My mother is getting older and can no longer do a lot of things she used to do so I try to help her as best I can. It's sad to watch her not be as independent as she used to be. As a kid, I used to have a hard time keeping up with her fast walking. Now she uses a cane and walks really slow. It's heart-breaking to watch. But I manage. Anyway, I feel because she is so dependent on me, she does not tell me when I say or do something she does not like and her resentment comes out in other ways that takes me by suprise. When I find out how she really feels, I get hurt because, I never knew she felt this way and I feel deep down she really doesn't like me and she resents me and she only tolerates me because she needs the help. At that point, I don't feel like a beloved daughter, but like an unpaid Caregiver and I just want to walk away. If she told me, I would have stopped what I was doing that offended her or we could have talked it out. She is not being real with me and I feel like I am in a fake relationship with her and I feel resentment towards her and don't want to be around her because she's not acting how she really feels and I don't want to say or do anything that she doesn't like. I'd rather be alone than in the company of someone who resents what I say or do. My question is how do I not feel resentment toward her? When I feel resentment, I don't want to help her or be around her. I feel she is being fake with me. I resent this a lot. Last night one of these situations came up and I have not spoken to her since yesterday. I have always felt she doesn't hear me or see me.
People like this are 100% phony. The treat others with the utmost of sweetness and light, then talk behind their back. Others think they're so lovely, yet we see another ugly side that nobody else has the displeasure to witness. For my whole life I've said that while I love my mother, I surely do not like her. Not one bit.
When you don't like a person, you don't want to be around them. You don't want to help them because they make you feel like crap. They act fake and make all interactions extremely negative and difficult.
So what you do is this: you limit your contact. You do the minimum you can get away with. You do only what is absolutely necessary and then you vamoose right out of her sight. She's never going to 'learn' to speak the truth; it's likely too late for that. People like this aren't really able to properly love others; they're too self absorbed to see how their behavior affects others. So rather than trying to get through to a brick wall, you make concessions. You back off. You force her to ask you for what she wants instead of hinting at it, right? And you do what you must and then say goodnight.
If she can't be real with her own daughter, then she is probably not capable of it. By all means tell her how you feel, if you want to, but don't expect any real changes to come from it. The few times I've tried to have a heart-to-heart talk with my mother, I was turned into the Bad Guy because she's never made a mistake in her life. I don't know if your mother is like that, but if she is, then you're fighting a losing battle. Set down boundaries with her and then stick to them like glue. It's the only thing these women can really comprehend.
Good luck!!
How are you going yourself? Your post sounds stressed (understandably), and you are running out of patience with her behavior.
If your mother is only 73, has serious health issues (eg diabetes), and is very dependent, she is probably really frightened about the future. She may be too scared to talk about it. Her reactions to you vary all over the place from submission to resentment, which is particularly hard to deal with. You need to be aware that she will probably need a care placement, perhaps sooner rather than later. Unless her health problems result in an earlier death, you cannot cope with this for another 20 years. She needs to know that she will postpone this by keeping you both dealing with her problems in sympathy with each other. If she is mentally competent, this may make her think more carefully about her own behavior. Best wishes, Margaret