Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while and hope everyone is doing ok. My parents finally moved near us, in fact, in our condo complex and are renting. I packed and unpacked every single box for them and was away from my husband during his chemo and radiation treatments for 2 months so they could move from Florida to Virginia. My husband was with me during my breast cancer journey and I feel awful that I couldn't be there for him. We actually felt their needs were more important, but we have sacrificed our lives for my parents since we were married and before (that's another story in itself!)
Now here's the problem - she is getting upset when I tell her I need to go downstairs to care for my ailing husband and to straighten up my home. She has my Dad who can care for her. I'm starting to resent them being here. I told her I would like to use my own bathroom and I want to put some things away and stay home a little bit. She made a face and asked me why and I said I'll be back later and she said you don't have to - stay down there (angrily). I'm starting to get my nervous stomach back and to be honest I yelled at her the other day. As many posters know, my mom has always been "needy". I will fill you in with details later on, but for now I need help! I am neglecting my husband, my dog and my own needs! Thank you my wonderful friends!
Yet you CHOSE to have this living arrangement set up.
You will now have to CHOOSE whether it can work, or whether your mother may require placement to fulfill her needs.
The best way to handle this is to handle "yourself" first. You need to understand that your mom hasn't been really any different, that you are not responsible for her "happiness." all day every day. There will be many times she will be UNhappy. That's life, as they say.
The limits are yours to set. They are mom's to live with. And the choices are yours. Life has been long for your mother; there have been many times in her life she was unhappy; this is but one more. And for you, I am certain there have been other times in your life when you were simply not able to fulfill the expectations others had of you. This is but one more time.
If your parents are so feeble and weak that they could NOT muster the energy or wherewithal to pack or unpack one single box then they should have been moved straight into a long term care facility not into a condo that they clearly are unable to handle. In short order you will be cooking their meals, cleaning their house, and wiping their behinds 24/7.
You seriously need to cut the umbilical cord you have attached to your parents. It's time. That thing must be heavy and dirty since you have been dragging it around with you for decades.
Even now you can't be a grow adult and tell your mother that you are not going to spend all day and night in her condo with her and that you will be spending time in your own house with your husband and you are not going to see them daily.
How sad that your parents have this much control over you.
Even worse it's almost like you set yourself up for this by moving them into the same building as you.
Your parents are hungry souls that will never be satisfied until they finally smother and consume your physical being into their own. They are like the Borg on Star Trek.
Unfortunately if you haven't been able to stand up to them and create your own autonomy by now (with ALL the good advice you were given last time you posted) I don't think you are going to succeed without some serious mental health help.
Shaming and bullying, which violates the code of conduct for this forum. Therefore I'm reporting this comment for removal.
I've been there, I've done that. And I'm still healing and learning, to not go back there.
There is another way, there is a way for you to be happy, to be able to spend very much needed time with your husband, with your pets. For you to do what you want to do and not what mom wants.
First thing first you need to realize and admit, that you deserve to be HAPPY. Why do so many of us caregivers not feel like we deserve happiness? How much damage have we all been though in life to make us feel that way. Why do we owe are life to give to are parents, We didn't ask to be born, we didn't tell them if you give birth to me we will literally kill are selves for your happiness, the rest of are dieing days.
There is a book about a sick daughter, the parents litteral had another daughter to give the sick daughter blood, or something I'm not remembering it enough, I'm just remember the fact that the healthy little girl was used over and over to keep the sick one alive, and how wrong it was. But isn't that exactly what many of are parents did to us, gave birth so they could gaslight us to be there slaves in older years
Id say let mom , pout , let her be angry! Do what's best for you, then hubby, then mom.
If there is a Senior Center or Adult Day program that she can get involved with that might occupy some of her time. the Senior Center will get both mom and dad involved and they may both find programs, trips and projects they both will enjoy.
Just check in on them once a day. You don't need to stay for hours. Tell Mom to pretend they are still in Fla and your in VA.
https://www.alz.org/media/cacentral/dementia-care-39-the-light-beyond-shadowing_1.pdf
If you are her PoA and she's never had a cognitive/memory exam then now is the time to get her in for her "annual wellness exam" that Medicare provides for free. Sometimes the medical provider won't consider prescribing meds for anxiety/agitation unless they've had a full exam. Make sure you sit in on the entire exam appointment, don't tell your Mom she will be getting a cognitive exam. Make a note to her doctor in the medical portal that you defintely want her to have that exam. You may be shocked at how poorly she does. If she still drives, this should also be reconsidered.
Shadowing is a phase of dementia and the length of this phase depends on the person and whether they get on meds or not. My Aunt, on meds, still did it for at least a year or more before she finally went on to another phase.
May you receive solutions and peace in your heart on this journey with your husband and parents. Please do lots of self-care!
You first responsibility is to yourself. Next, is your marriage.
Please get home health care for your parents.
Just be clear that they ARE your choices.
There is nothing anyone can do about what YOU choose.
This is the same old same old. You come here for advice and NEVER take ANY of it.
Your husband seems very patient, but what if he gets tired of this situation? What if he wants a full-time wife instead of one who is always having to do something for her parents? A wife who will be around when he's having chemo or other life crises? Don't think a disappearing husband couldn't happen to you. It happens all the time in situations just like this. There are plenty of women out there waiting in line to find a kind and patient husband. THINK AHEAD!
Please don't get upset at one another on this forum! I do appreciate your advice and kindness!
Since when does ones parents come before a husband and marriage?
And who in their right mind would sacrifice their lives for their parents? That is beyond sick and I truly hope that you'll seek therapy to get to the bottom as to why you don't feel that your husband and marriage should come before your parents.
You have already neglected your husband, yourself, and your home for far too long now. It's time to stop the insanity.
And why you felt it a good idea to have your parents live in the same complex as you, I'll personally never understand.
Your parents have had their lives and now you and your husband deserve yours.
You say in your post below that you "do have a backbone" but I'm not picking up on that in any of your posts or replies.
In fact, I'm picking up on just the opposite. And sadly I don't see a happy ending here for anyone because of the poor choices you have made.
You are a "prisoner" of your own making, and that is the worst kind of prisoner you can be, so I do hope you're in therapy to help you figure out this hot mess you've gotten yourself into.
And why do you care if your mom screams at you if you don't do something right away? Have you tried telling her that if she can't wait that she'll have to do it herself?
Why are you so afraid of this 93 year old woman who you honestly owe nothing to?
This is again so beyond disturbing on so many levels, and I honestly don't think that we on this forum can truly give you the help that you so desperately need, as you really need some deep mental health therapy.
She knew at the time. Maybe a little immersive nostalgia therapy would wake her up.
I can still see my parent's faces when I said "no" to getting two dozen bags of mulch from a local hardware store, something I use to do for years. It was just to difficult to get the bags out of the vehicle at my age. I told Dad, call the store and have the bags delivered. Dad didn't want to pay the delivery fee. Talk about guilt, but I held my ground.
Was talking to my dil yesterday about moms horriding stuff, like me at 60 , I have my own stuff, I don't need a whole house full of more stuff.
And mom just thinks that we are all going to fight for her "stuff" like she is sitting on a gold mind, at 60 plus honestly i don't want anything.
My dad needs a lot of care (Parkinsons Disease, 70% hearing loss to name a few).
I have to go to the gym (the tension release is absolutely necessary and go to church--Jesus and the Lord sustain me so I do services and bible studies).
My mother accuses me of cutting out and says "You can just disappear downstairs" and "Okay you can go out and maybe we will see you later". It's like she's accusing me of something bad by leaving the house. They are not believers and think the gym is a vanity thing.
I tell her multiple times in the simplest terms and do not digress... "I need to do this in order to be a NORMAL person. There is no way I can help you and dad if I don't get these two things integrated daily in my life."
I reiterate this over and over, remind her she can go out as much as she wants, she can ask the caregivers to take her out (she doesn't like having caregivers in the house....me...I am so grateful for them.)
Stand your ground Romeo13. You have control on how you act and react. She can't do a number on your head unless you let her.
I'm talking about these people went to Argentina and Europe for 3 months at a time in their 80's ALONE and when we want to do something alone - which I'm afraid to even tell them we want to go alone, they would and will say - how could you not include us???
They love us so much and we love them to bits, but what happened here??? That's what I'm trying to understand. Such intelligent people, lived in beautiful places, traveled, business owners, pilot, friends - they do what they want alone - and we can't??? Why the heck can't they let go of us???
PS. Another thing - my mother was always protective of us as kids - I wasn't allowed to take a train to NYC by myself when I was a teenager. I never left her home alone and cancelled dates when my Dad went away on his trips. I didn't have my own friends either because I enjoyed adult conversation better, so I was never left home - always with them.
I created this. I created the problem where I can't talk to them without saying - Oh, we were such bad parents or oh - you know everything and you're so perfect, yet they say they don't know what they would do without my husband or me and then not give us a break?
You ask "what happened here???" and I can tell you that what has happened is that you have chosen not to grow up and live your own life, but have opted to stay under your moms rule, and now choose to make one excuse after another for your parents(mom in particular) that one minute you describe as being abusive and the next minute you "love them to bits."
It's ok to come here to vent, but I honestly don't believe you have any plans on making any changes, so for that reason I won't be commenting on this post anymore, because you've made it more than clear all the reasons you can't change or don't want to change.
So I wish you well in this dysfunctional hell that you're living in, and I hope that your marriage will survive when this is all said and done, but won't be surprised if it doesn't.
What you can control is how you react to her manipulations and how you set boundaries for how much time you spend with her.
Stop explaining all the reasons you need to leave. That just gives your mother ammunition for an argument, which is probably entertaining for her, but distressing to you.
Say "it's time for me to leave" and then leave. Be calm and cool, not angry or scared. Don't wait around for the histrionics and don't take the bait of getting into an argument with her.
PS: You don't mention whether or not your mother has dementia. If she does, and the whole ordeal of your leaving is what upsets her, find a way to leave quietly when she is occupied by another activity.
You already said that you've sacrificed a lot for your parents previously ...and you described a really interesting and fulfilling life that they've led. You need to grow more of a backbone now! You're spending way too much time dissecting how and why they're acting now as they are ...and start backing out of all of the time that you're spending there. Change it up - NOW!
They can go to senior day care to meet other people...they can hire a part-time caregiver if your mother requires it....and you can fib and tell them that you're starting a new job and that's where you'll be - even if it's a job remotely from home. Whatever it takes to break this cycle.
You have your own life and they have theirs..separate it and stop being so enmeshed. I personally think it's mean for them to "guilt" you like this. You really don't need to share with them everything you're doing and everywhere you're going - try to be more private - come up with fibs/excuses so you make your life easier. So, you say that they ask why you don't include them now when you go out...well, I bet they didn't include you and your husband when they traveled Europe and Argentina prior...hmmm, that's not very fair!
Wishing you all the best ~
PS - My Mom moved and left her own mother for 4 years while we lived in a foreign country. She loved her mother, but she did what she wanted to do and now and then I can't do what I want to. Another thing is - she would NEVER leave her husband. I know that for a fact!
-@the.holistic.psychologist
Your mom is not going to change. Only you can. Theres not going to be a way to handle this that pleases mom, so just say at the end of your dinner today that next week, you and dh will be going out for a couple’s dinner instead. When she acts up, just leave saying “of course we’re a married couple who needs alone time” as if it’s the most normal thing in the world.
All Senior Brats cry and whine to get their way. They’re never happy even when they get their way! The only thing they understand is action. So speaking of which, arrange to spend time away regularly on vacation when you can. Give your dad a list of agencies he can call to arrange home help if he chooses to. I would tell them that I will be in a place with cell reception to call you each day at 6 pm. Thats it, that’s the new rule.
You two have a retirement to live, and a limited amount of time to live it. Your first priority is your dh undergoing chemo. My MIL had two rounds and needed round the clock tending to with every single adl at points in time. The physical cost is substantive, let alone the emotional cost. If anyone needs to be entitled to your time, it’s him. He’s the sick one.
I understand what your saying, After my dad died, I started taking mom on every errand I had to go on. To get her out of the house, she lives one town over from me. I enjoyed are trips to Michael's, Kohl's, drugstore, ECT.... But after 3 years of this I wanted my own life, I wanted to walk into a store by myself, and not to get something for mom. Not only was I not doing that, but I was also feeling, no appreciation, and just got do do do, more more more.
But I honestly did enjoy a lot of my trips out with her.
I think this is what your feeling??
Then give her some numbers for a HIRED caregiver for your Mom 3 days a week. That SHE PAYS FOR. Otherwise, she orders groceries delivered by WalMart, and starts using Amazon for everything else. If one of them needs a ride, call UBER.
Or they can go into Assisted Living, if they can't handle living independently.
Keep telling your Mom it's "DOCTOR'S ORDERS. Sorry, gotta go!" If she starts on the phone, say "Sorry, I have his doctor calling---gotta go!" CLICK.
I cannot believe you actually moved them into your SAME bldg. That was the worst thing you could have done. You need serious counseling to snap yourself out of being so manipulated by your Mom. She isn't neglecting her husband, is she? I am sad to hear this situation.