My mother was 90 years old and had congestive heart failure and COPD from asthma. She never smoked. She was able to walk around without a cane, and she had her full mental faculty.
Last summer and this April she had a COPD flareup, which always meant that she retained too much CO2. She also had a leaky valve from her heart, which caused some fluid retention in her chest. So she spent the month of April in the hospital.
She was stable, released from the hospital and sent to the rehab facility. We found it odd that night she seemed confused as she would often get when her CO2 levels were high. Her arms were very swollen and bruised from the IV, too.
She didn’t have an infection but she thought that she saw me and I wasn’t there.
Anyhow I got a phone call the next morning that they were doing rounds and found her not breathing with no heartbeat that morning. She had the BiPAP on and was sleeping at a 45° angle.
They did CPR and got a heartbeat and rushed her to the hospital but she did not make it. This was two weeks ago.
We were shocked. I really thought my mother had at least another year or two. She wasn’t all that oxygen dependent but I guess she was having problems with the gas/blood exchange and had respiratory failure? I don’t know?
So I assume that her heart just gave out. She did have a pacemaker with a defibrillator so I doubt it was afib.
When you ask the doctors they don’t want to comment or speculate. So I’m just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I thought I’d have her much longer but I’m thinking maybe people with congestive heart failure have a tendency for their heart to just stop?
She died in her sleep in the early morning hours. I haven’t even been able to feel anything because I’m still shocked. I was very close with my mother.
Her death doesn’t match what I thought would happen. I thought she would have a slow decline where she would be bedridden and too weak to get out of bed and then pass at some point but that would be further down the road.
She was getting frailer but as I said, she could still walk around without being so breathless. I think the high CO2 levels made her heart work harder, perhaps. She had CO2 up to 104, which is critical. Then it went down to 70. Then finally to 20s.
Thank you for providing any perspective on this matter.
I say this not to be mean or dismissive of her passing… but at 90, her death wasn’t unexpected. Somewhere in the back of your mind you probably knew her time was limited. You may not have allowed yourself to truly see it, and that’s normal.
CPR on an elderly person is rough. Very easy way to break a rib, severe bruising. It’s very hard on the body… it’s a trauma. It’s no wonder she didn’t fully bounce back. Her body just gave out, as a body tends to do in old age.
It sounds like she was a spirited, sharp, and energetic person. Would you have preferred her to have the slow death you mentioned? Would she have? Watching her deteriorate mentally and getting extremely weak can be devastating. It’s like they already died and only their living body is there. You mourn twice, first for her inner self, and then mourn again when the body dies. Seems that would be much harder on both of you.
Expected or no, death is a hard thing to face and accept. Take the time to grieve.
So, I thought my mother would pass in a year or two, but not when the hospital discharged her and I got on a plane back to Denver, never understanding that it would be the last time I’d ever see her again.
That’s the problem. She was upset that I had to fly back for work and I was so flip about it because she was worse off the year prior and came out of that fine.
And, it’s frustrating because I was used to talking to my mother and using an Echo Display at the house 3x per day to see her, but while in the hospital, the phone was behind her and tough to reach or hear.
Cutting me off like that was difficult. Getting on the plane to leave was hard, but I really thought I’d come back in a few weeks.
I know overall in the scheme of things it is better that she went the way she did. I would not have want her to go through a dragged out decline and suffer.
Im sensing that you may have lost a loved one due to a slower decline? That way provides more closure with chances to say goodbye for the family. This way is sudden loss, which innately comes with no closure and shocks people. That is what you are sensing in me.
So no, it doesn’t help to say, we’ll your mother was 90, what’s the mystery? That sounds obtuse in summing up things based on age, because within the context of her health, she didn’t seem ready to die just yet.
I’d be careful on how you dispense wisdom on here. It sounds like your situation may be you to have blinders on with other situations. The last thing you’d want to do is make someone feel worse or defensive.
Did mom have a primary cardiologist? If she did, and you think it might help you to process what mom went through, maybe call the office and ask if you can speak to the doctor and/or one of the primary nurses in the practice, to help you gain some perspective. Make it clear you're not looking to "blame" anyone, you just want to have a better understanding.
My impression from what the hospice nurses told me is that death by CHF can look very different to different patient. My mom had that steady, slow decline, but she had literally no other comorbidities. We were just "waiting", in essence, for her heart to give out. But she was displaying much confusion (like your mom) in the last few weeks of her life, to the point where I was beginning to suspect she was having TIA's.
I know this will likely be small comfort, but my mom lingered for 4 days, bedridden, in a semi-comatose state before her heart finally gave out. I wished every moment of those days that she would just pass peacefully. I had to listen to her labored breathing and watch for signs that she needed more pain medication - thrashing about, moaning. etc. - it would have been more of a blessing to have come into her bedroom one morning to find she had passed in her sleep. As hard as it is to reconcile an unexpected (for you) death, you did not have to watch your mom linger for days as her body was shutting down, just waiting for the heart to "catch up".
(((hugs)))
My mom’s hospital in town stopped taking her insurance. But, her insurance treated her stay as in network since she went there as an emergency.
but, that meant that her cardiologist wasn’t affiliated with the hospital. He was new to her also. So, I didn’t get much out of him.
Both of my parents passed suddenly at different times, late 50s and early 60s. It is different when people go suddenly. However, someone going “suddenly” at 90 is not puzzling, as others have said. And, I don’t think that is really what is troubling you.
It sounds like you feel like you should have been able to “intuit” that she was dying imminently. Don’t do that to yourself. Having had more than the normal experiences with death, the only thing I can say for certain is that it happens when it happens. I don’t say that to be flip. Sometimes we get a hint it might be coming. Just as often, we do not.
I know I have said this before, but our society has a kind of weird expectation of control in these situations.
It might be better to reframe your thinking than to ruminate on “why”. Try to remember a few things… you did nothing wrong, you certainly cannot predict death with any certainty, you were able to see her prior to her passing (which many, many people do not get to experience), and everyone dies alone… it is a solitary journey, even if someone is in bed beside you.
I happen to believe that God is ever present when we make that transition. To my mind and my heart, that is a beautiful thought. You may or may not believe the same. Either way, you made a good choice to return to your life. When the body is done, it is done.
I think much of the advice here is wise and has been trying to steer you to that realization because the people writing it may be seeing something more in your words than simply a request for more medical information.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find peace in your heart and are comforted in knowing your mother lived a long life and you really were there for her in every way that counts.
CHF is serious on its own. My neighbor had to literally be drained of fluids every so often. Was Moms swelling brought to someone's attn? Was Mom given a water pill? When the heart does not pump well, fluids build up in the lungs. You Mom's lungs were compromised with the COPD. I don't think anyone is to blame here. Mom was 90 years old. Her body gave out.
She got frail from being in the hospital last year and this year. But, she could still get around.
Death can come as a surprise and her external looks didn’t match with what was going on inside.
thanks
I understand your being surprised, especially when so many of our loved ones hang on for years, slowly losing any ability to do anything for themselves.
But others do die in their sleep and I know that is what I would choose.
We still grieve, of course, but it is wrong not to recognize that the end of life is appoaching with this advanced age,no matter WHAT the cause.
I was wrong. One day, on a Tuesday this past February, she went to bed b/c she was literally exhausted b/c her heart was giving out. She never wound up getting out of her bed again, but dying exactly 7 days later, while remaining in a semi-comatose state the entire time. I was able to spend time with her and sit at her bedside every day for 7 days, so that gave me time to process the fact that she was dying, so it didn't hit me like a brick in the face.
My condolences over the loss of your dear mother. God bless you and help you achieve acceptance as you grieve this tremendous loss.
Your mother lived to the ripe old age of 90 years old and you should be thankful that you have had a close bond with her. Do not dwell on her sudden death as this will only cause you grief, but console your thoughts on the happier times you have had with your mother during her lifetime. You were hoping that she would have had “a slow decline and then get bedridden” before she died. The question you should ask yourself is if your mother had become bedridden would you have been able to handle this life-changing situation? Have you thought of the possibility of your mother being bedridden and languishing for many, many years in this state? Be assured that God had a plan for your mother. Because God saw the love and the great bond that you had with your mother, He did not want her to be bedridden as He knew you were not going to be able to handle her life-changing situation.
With time, you will come to accept her sudden loss. In the meantime, reminisce each day about the happy times you have had with your mother and you will eventually come to accept and overcome her sudden loss.
Good luck.
This is probably a symptom of my anxiety disorder and being too attached to the outcome.
Ive always dreaded this day and thought many times I might have to be sedated and put away. But, I didn’t fall apart. Good to know I’m not that weak.
But, forecasting out to the future isn’t a great coping mechanism, as I’ve just learned. Life can take us by surprise. That’s the scenario I didn’t plan for.
Thanks for responding.