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Can’t walk at all. All day with no help. Both siblings feel this is ok. There are resources for a caretaker however they don’t feel it’s necessary. What can I do at this point?
Several years ago, I had surgery that left me helpless and in bed for two days. I had to have help to reach a tray for meals. If the tray table was more than a couple of inches away from the bedside, I could not even get a drink of water. I was terrified when I was left alone in the hospital room when the nurse left the "nurse call" handset hanging on the wall behind my bed. I cannot imagine the fear and anxiety that would be caused by being left alone in a house while bedridden, even for a few minutes. I agree with the others that this is at least neglect. Maybe it's mental abuse as well.
Bronco15, does your Mom refuse to move to a continuous care facility? If that is the case, could be that your sisters have decided to limit her amount of care by both of them so that Mom would finally decide to move. Or is it a case where your Mom refuses caregivers? My own Mom wouldn't allow strangers in the house :(
Maybe it is time for a family meeting, and for Mom's primary doctor to give his/her option on if he/she thinks Mom can be left to care for herself during the day.
From the information you shared, I'd say this sounds dangerous. A fall or other accident while no one else is home could be fatal.
Also, if your mother is basically bedridden, there's a danger of her developing pressure ulcers (bedsores) if she isn't repositioned regularly / doesn't have a mattress that helps relieve pressure. It sounds like it would be a great idea to get some expert advice and explore having someone come in for a few hours a day at least.
Barb, as to your ? My mother says she dosnt want anyone bothering her so she’s says she’s fine with no help. I have asked about fire or other emergencies that could happen and was told she has a phone.
Start with trying to convince the sisters, perhaps involving her doctor or a social worker or someone the sisters would respect.
If persuasion doesn't work, I think I would report this to Adult Protective Services. Mother is a vulnerable adult and she needs protection from neglect.
Oh yes, of course! Put emergency responders at risk having to break into a burning house to rescue the person who can't get out. That makes total sense. (not).
Flyer, She refuses to go to a care place or board and care. She is still compatent so she’s in charge of her care. I have talked to her Dr and she said as long as she is compitant there is not much anyone can do even though she can’t get around in her own. Her Dr has talked to her about the situation but my mom refuses any outside help.
Jeanne, I agree. And I have had the health care nurse talk to my sisters about the situation but things continue. It’s basically out of my control since my mom is calling the shots and my siblings do what ever she wants.
Ah. So it is Mother who is resistant to get the help we all think she needs. Your sisters are not preventing a safer care arrangement. All your sisters can do is decide about their own actions, and they are doing that. They do not agree to stay with Mother 24/7. That is their right. If Mother is living in Sister's home, Sister could evict her. Then Mother would be forced to make some decisions about her care.
For my own peace of mind, I would call APS. Depending on what they see as self-neglect and how that applies to competent adults, they may not be able to do anything. But at least you will have tried.
Yes, my knee jerk response to this was Adult Protective Services. And perhaps a second medical opinion. Your Mother's choices are not safe or rational. At least those would give you peace of mind. Again, think bedsores, nutrition and toileting. Basic needs.
Also please keep in mind that APS could very well take over the situation and remove her from the home or force around the clock care which could get your sister in trouble for neglect even though it is your mother's decision because she is creating a situation where she is a danger to herself ...unfortunately no as adult children we may be forced to make decisions for our elderly parents for their own safety because even tho they may be considered competent they are not making safe rational decisions so please be prepared for that after APS is brought into the picture ...they are legally bound to take control of situation if they feel necessary . ..if she lives with your sister that is sending false reality thinking she is being watched around the clock
I must be missing something. She lives with the sister, so I'm assuming the sister comes home to a mom who hasn't been to the toilet (all day?) Some kind of aide is needed, I'd think. If I were mom, I'd be more than okay with an aide at least occasionally helping me with that.
I think Kitty thinks that there should always be someone else in the house, and her sisters should comply with that.
You volunteering, Kitty?
I think it also depends to some extent how long mother is left alone in the house. All sorts of people do live alone who you wouldn't have thought it was ideal for - type 1 diabetics, who might fall into a coma; blind people; deaf people who wouldn't hear a standard smoke alarm; wheelchair users... all sorts.
If mother is definitely competent, isn't it up to her to whether she accepts the risks?
From the sounds of it, If you were to ask her Dr., about her care level, more than likely the Dr would tell you 24/7 oversight. May want to check that first before you move into calling Protective Services. Then you have something to base your call on. My mother needs 24/7 because she has mild dementia, Parkinsons and is legally blind. She likes to lie in bed a lot during the day and tells everyone to go on and do whatever they need to do- that she will be fine. However, if there were any emergency she couldn't even dial the phone much less get to it. I have intercoms in my home and have a sitter when I am not around. Mother 'thinks' she is sending the sitter home but she is in the next room. Best luck to you
Why is it that when we get old, we don’t have a say in our life. I for one would be like your Mom. I would rather die in my home than go to a Care facility...at all costs! That is my choice.
Read On Being Mortal by Atual Gawande. A doctor may say she is 24/7 care because he doesn't want a law suit. And APS too has to worry about lawsuits. You have not provided a clear picture to say she is unsafe, and she is considered competent. Has she had skin breakdown? Is she losing weight? Does she voice feeling afraid or feeling hopelessness? Does she lay in dirty diapers or linens? Does she have access to fluids and food? Would her being forced by an outside agency to go to a LTC facility be detrimental to here mental health? If mother is definitely competent, isn't it up to her to whether she accepts the risks?, as Countrymouse asked. There are many people (not just elderly) who live in what we may consider less than ideal situations, and are permitted to because they are considered competent. From what I gathered the optimal would be have a home companion. That being said, your mom's total well-being should be the deciding factor, not your fears, nor what you see as your sister's neglect. From personal experience you can use the agencies to force a decision to move her to a facility, or have you as the caregiver, but then you have to share in your mom's misery and anger toward you, even though you thought you were doing best by her. Clear honest communication between all of you is the first step.
Maybe you could go over and care for her so your sisters can leave the house. Maybe you could meet with the home health care aides and screen them yourselves and pay for them. Rather than reporting your sisters you could contribute to caring for her. I agree with the family meeting idea. As a caregiver, it is very difficult and people have so much advice without actually helping. Have you offered to care for your mom so your sisters could get away. Be part of the solution not just a critic. Sorry, I just got so tired of well meaning advice but no one actually volunteers to do anything. Do you live far? Ask, how can you help.
I'm a little shocked by some of the answers. I am all about seniors making their own choices, but sometimes you have to intervene. This woman is (1) 89 and (2) bedridden. To be left alone all day, I cannot imagine. My mom is 91, has dementia, and is confined to a wheelchair. VERY occasional I will go to get us a carryout or ice cream. I do not go more than 2 miles. I first make sure she has used the bathroom if needed, get her situated in her chair with her TV program, then hightail it out and back within 30 minutes at the latest, all the while hoping and assuming there will be no fire or other danger in that short time frame. All day alone? To me that constitutes neglect. I would caution coming up with some solution before a neighbor or someone gets wind of the situation, calls the police, and then everyone will be in trouble.
Yeah....it's great that this mom is competent enough to make her own decisions, but what if there was a fire?
I thought my mom would be fine left alone, too. Then one morning the fire alarm went off. It was a false alarm, but it was good wake up call to me. My mother would not be able to get out of the apartment, let alone down 6 flights of stairs, on her own. She can't even dial a phone anymore. If there were a fire, she would die, helpless in bed.
But Dorianne, the whole world is teeming with people who couldn't get out of a building in a hurry. Not to mention the number of buildings that even fit athletic people couldn't get out of in time were they to catch fire. It just can't be a deciding criterion for whether or not you can be left alone for a given period.
Yeah I take your point, CM, but at least the fit athletic people had a fighting chance. Either way, I'm not going to be the one to leave my mom at risk of death by fire (especially in this dry tinderbox wildfire region), so that was my personal criteria, along with her fall risk.
Kitty, I agree with you, your mom is at high risk.
For those touting "elder rights", this woman is completely dependent on others for her care. IF she was self sufficient then I'd say let her do as she pleases. But she can't do anything so she needs care AND protection, even if she disagrees. She is not making rational decisions. It's the responsibility of the family to *override* her poor choices.
You could hire a caregiver to be in the other room and check on her hourly. Granted it seems to be a waste but at least someone would be there. So what that she doesn't want anyone in the house. What's she going to do, get up and throw them out?
Seniors like this need to be saved from their bad choices.
If the home was inspected by either the Fire Department or APS, they would both declare it an unfit situation and demand that your mom has supervision.
It probably will fall on you to change the situation, since your sisters won't cooperate.
You could tell your mom that either she allow c/g's in the home or you'll need to contact the FD and APS. Then she may wind up in a facility.
I suggested the fire department (as opposed to APS) because, at least in NYC, firefighters are sensitive, handsome and VERY good at talking to old ladies. Seriously, if you can get in touch with your local fire department and ask them to have some of the "boys" come out to explain to your LO that she's putting THEM in danger, it might be useful.
If Mom is considered competent to make her own decisions I assume she is competent to push the button on a medical alert device. Just make sure she can't get it off herself. I wear mine on my wrist like a wrist watch, I agree with everyone no one in this Mom's situation should be left alone for long hours. Is this really the Mom's decision or does sis not want to spend the money. if sis has a low paying job and Mom just has SS it must be hard to make ends meet. They probably would qualify for some Public Health help but that would not be all day. I think we need more background on what is really happening here.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
How does mom feel about being left alone?
This could certainly be construed as neglect.
Maybe it is time for a family meeting, and for Mom's primary doctor to give his/her option on if he/she thinks Mom can be left to care for herself during the day.
Also, if your mother is basically bedridden, there's a danger of her developing pressure ulcers (bedsores) if she isn't repositioned regularly / doesn't have a mattress that helps relieve pressure. It sounds like it would be a great idea to get some expert advice and explore having someone come in for a few hours a day at least.
Start with trying to convince the sisters, perhaps involving her doctor or a social worker or someone the sisters would respect.
If persuasion doesn't work, I think I would report this to Adult Protective Services. Mother is a vulnerable adult and she needs protection from neglect.
For my own peace of mind, I would call APS. Depending on what they see as self-neglect and how that applies to competent adults, they may not be able to do anything. But at least you will have tried.
And perhaps a second medical opinion. Your Mother's choices are not safe or rational. At least those would give you peace of mind.
Again, think bedsores, nutrition and toileting. Basic needs.
You volunteering, Kitty?
I think it also depends to some extent how long mother is left alone in the house. All sorts of people do live alone who you wouldn't have thought it was ideal for - type 1 diabetics, who might fall into a coma; blind people; deaf people who wouldn't hear a standard smoke alarm; wheelchair users... all sorts.
If mother is definitely competent, isn't it up to her to whether she accepts the risks?
Is she stable on her feet or is she unsteady?
I thought my mom would be fine left alone, too. Then one morning the fire alarm went off. It was a false alarm, but it was good wake up call to me. My mother would not be able to get out of the apartment, let alone down 6 flights of stairs, on her own. She can't even dial a phone anymore. If there were a fire, she would die, helpless in bed.
That put an end to my free and easy ways!
I agree with you, your mom is at high risk.
For those touting "elder rights", this woman is completely dependent on others for her care. IF she was self sufficient then I'd say let her do as she pleases. But she can't do anything so she needs care AND protection, even if she disagrees. She is not making rational decisions. It's the responsibility of the family to *override* her poor choices.
You could hire a caregiver to be in the other room and check on her hourly. Granted it seems to be a waste but at least someone would be there.
So what that she doesn't want anyone in the house. What's she going to do, get up and throw them out?
Seniors like this need to be saved from their bad choices.
If the home was inspected by either the Fire Department or APS, they would both declare it an unfit situation and demand that your mom has supervision.
It probably will fall on you to change the situation, since your sisters won't cooperate.
You could tell your mom that either she allow c/g's in the home or you'll need to contact the FD and APS. Then she may wind up in a facility.
Have you had your mom tested for dementia?
I agree with everyone no one in this Mom's situation should be left alone for long hours.
Is this really the Mom's decision or does sis not want to spend the money. if sis has a low paying job and Mom just has SS it must be hard to make ends meet. They probably would qualify for some Public Health help but that would not be all day.
I think we need more background on what is really happening here.