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My 87-year-old father in law is convinced that his 46-year-old caregiver is his fiancée (she told a friend she's just pretending to be his fiancée). She has isolated him from all of his family by telling him we don't care about him, and that we are "picking on her" because we don't approve of their relationship due to her age. She has blocked our phone numbers and even called the police telling them lies, saying we want to harm him and take his money. We are heartbroken and afraid for his safety. She's already conned him out of more than $300,000 and has taken control of his bank accounts. We have seen photos of him and he has had several black eyes and other injuries. We called APS and all they did was call his house and ask him, with the girlfriend next to him, if he was okay. He said "yes" so APS said there was nothing they could do. We feel helpless. The woman has installed cameras all over his house and electronically monitors his phone and email and has told him to never answer the phone. Two of my father-in-laws best friends, also in their 80's, tried to visit him and the supposed fiancée called the police and had a restraining order placed on them; she has said that she will do the same to any family member who tries to see him. We feel so helpless and can't believe this is happening. She has totally brainwashed him against the people who love him. What can we do?

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I find it hard to believe that the police and/or courts would take proceedings to place a restraining order on two people in their eighties trying to visit an old friend - unless there were a heck of a lot more to the story than that.
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Rosewater1 May 2021
There is more to the story. The abuser does not want my FIL talking to anyone because she's afraid he'll say something that will get her in trouble, she came up with lies about the elderly friends' visit. It's hard to believe and accept that my FIL is so brainwashed, but that's what has happened. Because we cannot communicate with him, hers is the only voice he hears.
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I smell a serial predator.    Seems as if she's covered all the bases, sequestering and isolating him.    People don't learn these kinds of tactics overnight.    There have been other threads posted here about these serial predators; one even cultivated her "marks" at a senior center.

I'd find a good investigator who specializes in elder abuse (if there are such folks) and do some background investigation, such as exploring her prior clients.   What the investigator should be looking for are past events and other co-opted clients, criminal records, including in other states, and if the investigator knows how to do this (I don't), access to her financial records to document the financial abuses.

BTW, how did your FIL find her, or did she approach him?  This could shed some light on her approach, and could be clues to past behavior.

If an investigator can produce this information, it could be used to get a TRO (temporary restraining order) and/or permanent injunction to remove her from his premises.  

"Two of my father-in-laws best friends, also in their 80's, tried to visit him and the supposed fiancée called the police and had a restraining order placed on them; she has said that she will do the same to any family member who tries to see him."   I'm finding this a bit hard to believe, i.e., that the police would initiate a restraining order against 2 friends, and for what reason?   Is this a TRO or a permanent restraining order?   

Another aspect that troubles me is that she has"called the police telling them lies, saying we want to harm him and take his money."    I would think the police would want some proof and wouldn't just take her word w/o investigating.  Did they provide any rationale for their actions, or inactions? 

I would also press APS to do its job.    The nominal "investigation" you cited is worthless.   Find out who the top exec is, and contact that person.  Also, if the state in which he lives has a elder law agency, or elder law advisor, contact those departments.
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MargaretMcKen May 2021
This is best advice from someone with legal experience!
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Time to see a lawyer about guardianship which will only work if your father is demented and you have MD proof of same. If he is not demented then there is honestly little you can do about his intention to give all his money to this "caregiver". If you do win guardianship that can be reimbursed by the FIL estate. If you lose the cost is yours, and courts are VERY loathe to take an elder's rights from him.
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Rosewater1 May 2021
Yep. We did hire one. We also found out that my father in law has been diagnosed with slight dementia, and has been dehydrated and under nourished under her care; but, because the abusive girlfriend persuaded him to list her as his medical power of attorney, we can't get the medical records to prove it; the abuser took our names off the list of people the doctor's office can communicate with. The woman who is exploiting him is a pro; she knows how to cover her tracks. She even made sure that when she was getting paid to be his caretaker, he paid her in cash, so there's no record of her ever being hired (she's my sister in laws "friend" so everything was done without a contract; we live out of state, so my sister in law handled the arrangements). And, yes, it's very expensive for us to pay a lawyer and an investigator to try to gather evidence to prove what she's doing. It's sickening to see this happening to our family. My husband is literally sick with worry about his father.
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How sickening! If there is karma, she will get hers. She is evil!

I am so very sorry that this is happening. I hope your attorney will be able to free your loved one from this evil person.
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There are pictures of him with black eyes? Did she send them to you? If not, who took them? If you have these pictures, then take them to the police
Have you seen proof of this restraining order? A caregiver cannot file for restraining orders for the person they look after,, the family would be contacted. It also takes a long time to get a restraining order and there have to be strong valid (and proven) reasons. And she can't just keep getting a restraining order, they are not easy to get. What could some 80-year-olds be accused of?
The APS has to go and investigate if called, they can't just call and ask. All of this seems very odd.
If this woman is doing all of these things, then you fight back harder. If someone was beating my parents then the fury would be unleashed..unleash your fury and fight dirty!!
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The police don't do restraining orders, that has to be done through the court system. With appropriate "proof" or sufficient words, one can get a temporary order, which will be issued to the person/people it is against, but it is only good for a limited time. To make it permanent, there has to be a hearing and both parties would have their say. Has this gone through the court system? If not, there are no restraining orders. She may have told them they exist, but unless they received something from the court, there isn't any order.

Too often APS is useless. Would it be possible to request a wellness check through the police, but you accompany them? You indicated you live out of state, so if husband is really concerned, he should go there, go to the police and request an escort/wellness check.

As far as medical records, if you pursue guardianship, the courts will order testing by other doctors. They wouldn't need his records.

You say she was hired through SIL, a "friend." Is SIL aware of what's going on? Has she said anything? Has your husband talked with her at all about it?

While an investigator might be able to find the scoop on this woman, it will take time. The lawyer you use should not just be any lawyer, they should have experience with elder abuse, aging, etc. A good one would know how to at least get him out from under her, perhaps a temporary hold in a facility that would test his cognitive abilities. While many issues take time to get through the courts, a good atty would know how to get emergency orders in place. If what you have described is really going on, it would be worth paying the cost to get to the bottom of it. His assets, if there is anything left, can reimburse the legal costs, if they find in your favor.

I should think if she has bled his assets dry, she would move on to the next target, so maybe. At the very least, if there is enough proof, you could get her off the streets so she can never do this to another person.
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You need an attorney. $300K out of an account since 'friend' has been there speaks loudly what this arrangement is all about. If Medicaid doesn't have something to show he is not competent, when all the money is gone - all those gifts will be penalty months against him. She'll be long gone at that point.

Surely there will be a special place in the afterlife for those who abuse elderly.
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CM, I think there IS a lot more to the story.
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So, do you want to be an a-hole? Call the DOL and IRS, turn father in for avoiding payroll taxes and if she gets DHS, turn her in for failing to report income, most of these types do.
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pamzimmrrt May 2021
That is hysterical,, and perfect!
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OMG 😱 Who hired this crook? Private or from agency? Did she ever have background check? She needs to be FIRED ASAP & be ARRESTED!!!!! You need proof of all the $$$ stolen & go to banks with the information. Get control of accounts & get POA from lawyer…Also change locks on house! I can’t believe this went on as long as it did. Good luck & HUGS 🤗
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