How to deal with a mother who doesn't care about or love me?

Smurf: How old are your parents and how did you come to move in with them Were you asked to help out? You've been off drugs now for several years and that is a great accomplishment on your part. Were you seeing your parents during that time of sobriety or did you live far away? Where is your daughter now and how is she doing? What is her relationship like with your parents?

Lots of questions, I know, but I'm wondering if your mom is resentful of your presence because you have a relationship with your dad and possibly with your daughter.

You mom may also be angry that her health is failing and she can no longer care for herself. She may have decided that she is going to take those disappointments out on you. How long have you been living with them?

It's a shame that you mom doesn't offer you more kindness and appreciation for your efforts to help her. Unfortunately, she is who she is and that's not your fault. Maybe it would be best for you to find employment and live on your own. You don't need to be punished by her on a daily basis.

It might be helpful if you contact your local Area on Aging and see if your parents would qualify for some in home care so you can reduce the amount of time you have to spend with her.

You've had a tough life, made some mistakes, like all of us, and are heading in the right direction. You have years ahead of you to enjoy. Maybe you could get some counseling to help you accept your mom for who she is and release some of the disappointment of what she can't be.

Hugs to you, Smurf. Cattails

Sad as it is, this story is not unique. Oh, it has some special features -- your adoption and your daughter's adoption -- but it follows a pattern similar to other posts on here. I'm sure you'll bump into some as you browse around.

Here is the part that always puzzles me: Why did you move back in with your parents? Once I know that I'd like to continue "talking" to you. Compassion for your father's caregiving role? Hope of reconciliation? Financial need? Closure? Probably something else altogether, and if you don't mind sharing it that will give us all a little more to go on.

A few people have Normal Rockwell childhoods. Most people have parents who love them, find raising a family to be very challenging and very rewarding, and who manage to muddle through in a mostly nurturing way. Some people have one or both parents who don't or aren't capable of showing love to them, and/or are overtly abusive, and who blame them for everything that isn't perfect in the world.

I am truly sorry that you got adopted into that last kind of family. Obviously that was NOT YOUR FAULT, but the guilt burden is often overwhelming. You should be very, very proud of taking steps to turn your life around.

Whatever needs to be done, I bet you have the strength to do it!

Regards,
Jeanne

smurfgirl, I really feel for you. Do you go to AA or another group? You say you are off drugs. That should be your very first priority, your sobriety. I think you should move out and let your mother figure things out herself. I also think you should seek counseling and what does your sponsor, if you have one, say? This is not good for you to live under the roof of someone who hates you, negative energy etc. It isn't good for your health. Where is your daughter? I, too, would like to know why you moved in with them. But whatever the reason my advice to you is to move out immediately, if possible. No one needs to live this this. Life is short, enjoy it w/o your so called mother.

I would think that moving back home is a mistake -there must be some other place for you-your soberity should be the first thing on your list then a relationship with your daughter not being a servant to your parents which could be why she asked you back-you need to talk to your sponser first thing to gain some clarity on what is going on-your mother may be upset that you are handling your life.

I don't know if this will help you, but clearly, as you said, she is filled with hate. She really is the pathetic one and she's going to die soon. How sad it is that she has thrown away the chance to be thoughtful and loving to you. What comes out of her mouth is ridiculous and has no real meaning. You need to love yourself and not depend on her for love, she's not capable and she's a disgusting human being. You need to minimize the importance you give her. Chalk it up to her being crazy or spiteful or whatever. Seek out people who are loving and thoughtful and kind to you. Stay away from people who can't do that for you. She's only ONE person in the whole world and she's failed you. Make yourself much more important in your life because you are worthy of love even if she failed. Just detach for her emotionally because she's unworthy of your love and attention. Move out if you can, but if you can't, you need to see her as the horrible wretch that she is and really understand that you do not deserve it just because she's dishing it out. She may have looked good on the outside but on the inside she has no authority over you -- think about it. She's in the mother role, but she hasn't earned any rewards, so stop giving her the authority to hurt you. Good Luck and I hope this helps.

I moved in with my mother about 6 months ago. She just called me a bitch. I feel ya.

Never ever give your help energy love to someone even if its your mother if they dont appriciate you DONT DO THAT!
We all are here to learn to love and embarce ourself not to Abuse ourself.
I have so much I want to tell you......
I feel you if you need support or talk just give me a wink.
Listen to your little girl inside she Knows what she want or not want to do always listen and follow her advice.
Big hug miapia stockholm sweden

Well I can certainly relate - I have a biological mother who pretty much told me the same thing shortly after she sent me this locket telling me what a wonderful daughter i was - she had plans to leave me her home, etc but had a fight with my husband and has not spoken to me since xmas. She sent me a letter on March 8 that ws mostly in caps so I would know she was yelling at me and told me that she had instructed her attny, the funeral home, the priest and prob God that I would not be notified if she died. this letter was a response to my request that seeing as I ws no longer welcome in her household, could I please have the photo albums she had compiled with all my achievements thru the years which included many times in the city Newsaper, the DAR award, etc and also requested all photos she had around the house of me and or my husband. In her letter back to me she claimed she was responding to my demands (I never used the word demand one time in my letter) but it would take her time to remove the painting from my husband, the microwave cart from me, the convection oven she always hated (I never asked for these things) - I had asked her could she please put the albums and photos and a leather photo album of my Dads naval ship he promised me when I was about 10 in a garbage back outside the stoop of her house and we would pick it up...........she responded back with that she was going to rent a storag shed and we would have one month to pick up our stuff or it would go in trash.........she also claimed she was enclosing the key to our house , which she did not and that she had a "security system " installed..........I don't know what exactly she thought we were going to do............She loathes the day I was born and said so to my Dad who is in a nursing home a virtual vegetable thanks to her taking charge. Dad was fine with me from July to end of Feb - she took control of him and within 3 weeks he suffered massive stroke..........I feel for you as my mother has called me every name in the book and even left me a pornographic voicemail vividly describing a photo a boyfriend took of me over 35 years ago and saying she was going to make copies and send them to my step children and step grandchildren who are minors..........if you figure anything out, let me know. My Dad and my sister are also alchoholic - sister will not admit it but at very least she has to have Hep c as when she ws in hospital for something else, her sking was yellow...........in my case my Mom is listening to my sister even though her lic has jst been suspended for 10 yrs for duis because she was a "harvard grad" - sounds like we are both in a mess and I am sure that you also are very hurt as I am to have a mother who hates you............imagine if it ws your birth mother.......

It does hurt but you need to detach -she does not love you -love is not mean-my husband turned away from me when he was dieing-I blanked it out for a long time then had a flashback one night and remembered how he shut me out on his deathbed even though he reconinzed our daughter and son and grand-daughter so I know it was dilibrate on his part but that was his way of telling me he did hate me as he often said and I do not give him the power he tought he had at the end.

You simply must get out of this situation, NOW. Your are risking your recovery, which you should be so proud of. I highly recommend getting the CD collection of Melody Beatty's "Co-Dependent No More" and making it your bible. The library might have it, or at least the book. Just skip around and listen to whatever sections you key into (there will be lots!!!), over and over again until they sink in. That is what got me through the horrific things my mother did to me (before she told me to "GET THE HELL OUT OF" her life, and I still listen to them daily. I have not had to deal with any addictions beyond my co-dependency problem, but my mother was a horrible parent in all ways possible, yet my need to take care of people and solve problems is why I stayed in the mess for so long and took all the abuse. Behind many addictions, co-dependency is the actual problem, especially when it comes to aging parents or other needy people. I hope so much for you that you continue to go to a 12-step program and have a sponsor, and maybe you can access a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting too. Good luck. MOVE OUT!!!

why did you move back in? fairly pointless to talk to any of this without knowing that.

i have a horrible relationship with my mother too. i'd either live on the streets or cut both femoral arteries and bleed out before i had to move in with her.

so all i can think is, why the heck would you do this?

Smurfgirl, What I'm going to say here is going to seem harsh. In fact it is harsh in some ways. And probably, more than likely a lot of people will disagree with what I say and criticize me for what I'm saying to you. But please, please, take this to heart, this is food for thought. I'm sitting in a similar situation myself. With a Mother who is losing her mind, and a father who is dealing with health problems.

My Mother is a B... She has been mean and hateful to me all of my life.I married an abusive (mostly mental abuse) husband and stayed with him for 33 years until he died of a heart attack in 2005 and left me penniless with two children still in school. I am on disability from chronic depression and Fibromyalgia. I've been fighting depression most of my life. It runs in my family. So please read on.I know where your are coming from.

I congratulate you on being off drugs. You've done that on your own, and you need to remember what it took for you to do it on your own, without parental help or support. It is one of the most difficult if not the most difficult thing you will ever do. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. Look at yourself in the mirror everyday stand up straight and know you are a good person doing right by your parents, no matter what your Mom says to you.

I moved back in with both my parents, and that my Mother and I sometimes cannot be in the same room together because of her constant bitching and complaining and picking on me and everything being my fault. If I say the sky is blue, she will say it is red just to disagree with me. She will lie, cheat, steal, and do anything she can to make me miserable. I cannot tell you how many times in the last 6 months she has made me cry.

My Mother and I have NEVER gotten along. I had a most painful upbringing, but I have long since let all of that stuff go. It is just too much stuff, too much time, and too many lives wasted because of what she did to me. But like I said, I have finally let it go and just deal with her day by day. I will not allow her poison to spread any further, or hurt me or my children. She is 82 and either Alzheimer's or dementia is slowly taking her mind, and what is left is a bitter lonely old woman that I truly feel sorry for. I love her because she is my Mom, and even tho we have fought, she, in the end, was always there for me. And here is the rub for you, your Mom has been there for you too. You wrote it yourself. She took in and raised YOUR child as her own when you could not, or would not for whatever reason.

Remember this, do not assign blame to anyone. What is in the past is gone, what YOU do with tomorrow is under YOUR control.

Do not let your mother's bitterness poison you. I'd almost bet that you became an addict to try to take away the pain you felt for not having the family you wanted, or thought you wanted. I'd also say that you were your father's favorite. And that the reason you moved back with them, back to a household that YOU KNEW would be hostile, was to help your father. Where is your daughter now?

You need to be strong for yourself and maintain your sobriety. Attend meetings if that is how you got clean, and if it helps you. Do not let your Mother's bitterness and poison spread back into your psychological health. Remain balanced.

Remember, your Mother is approaching the end of her life, she is, by your own word, helpless. You are in control now, not her, and that alone may be one of the reasons why she is lashing out at you. You are better than everything she can ever say to you to try to pull you down. Just be there quietly taking care of what needs to be done. If you feel badly because she is being bitchy, WALK AWAY. Go to your room close the door, then go back later, after the situation has calmed some, and try again. Be a rock. You are now the anchor for your family. Be proud of that.

You can listen to everyone else here and move out. But what good would that do? Where would that leave your Dad?

Think about what would happen to your father if you leave. Do you really want to put him in a home? Maybe the best answer is to put your Mom in a skilled nursing facility and concentrate on taking care of your father.

I know there are so many questions.... All of us here that have answered your post feel your pain. We all want the best for you and for you to feel good about yourself.

I AM PROUD OF YOU AND OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO HELP YOUR PARENTS. YOU BE PROUD TOO!!! YOU DESERVE IT.

Be well. Please answer, I'd really like to know how you are doing.

Sue

I appreciate this answer as well - my mother is the bitch of al bitches...........she actually mailed me back my xmas present which I re mailed to her and told her to donate it go Goodwill if she wanted as I purchsed it from the heart. I desperatedl want to move dad into a caring nursing home versus the one she stuck him in which does not even meet bare Fl standards - there is supposed to be at least one rn on every shift and there is not. I cannot file for guardianship as the same day mom had my husbands dpoa revoked, she added on her other son in law as health surrogate - dad deemed incompetent by the State of Fl prosecutors independent physc after spending two hours with him (stemming from a dui at age 85 - started drinking daily after surviving brain surgery at age 84 - Feb 2 I received a letter stating that they were not going to continue to press charges (the state) because based on the report they did not expect Dad to regain competency. Feb 15 Mom takes Dad to attny and his him sign revocation papers and health surrogate papers. Dad had already been diagnosed with senile dementia and residing one level up from memory care unit.. Mom was doing her usual power play. Attny she went to was sis's dui attny and he did the revocation without any exam - when I emailed him to advise he just did a revocation on a man deemed incompetent - he orderd a mini menal exam to determine dementia - seeing the VA already confirmed he did via ct scans, I do not understand how on earth Mom got my husbands dpoa revoked. Mom has nor does she pan on ever speaking to us again and she will nt even allow me to to to the house to collect my personal albums of achieements and personal photos - it is very painful to be shut out as a daughter when just 8 months before she tells you what a wonderful daughter you are - my mother too is poisoning my mind as I feel hatred that I nev felt before and I also succumbed to alchohol for time to try to ease the pain but it made it worse. It is very hard to try to not feel hateful in return when all I want is to get Dad out of that nursing home and closer to me so I can make him home made pureed foods and when need be bring him to my home under hospice. This has not even been a mariage except in ame - they legally separated in NH when I was around 10 and when I was around 13 she paid for one way ticket to CA and I did not see him again for almost 20 yrs...........i fell all of your pain.