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I don't mean money! She believes that children should take care of their parents because of everything that was done for them in the past. For example, I drive my mother everywhere, as she refuses to use a driving service which she can well afford. She says that because she drove me around as a child, I should now drive her. While I say to her that that is very faulty logic, she refuses to back down. Do I just ignore her, make myself unavailable, or what? I have two sisters, but she claims they are "busy," and doesn't want to bother them. I am a retired widow and live nearby, but after three years ot waiting on mom (she is a widow also and is 88), I am just sick of being her servant. My plan is to limit my time to two days a week, three hours in the afternoon. I'm going to tell her and my sisters this is all I am prepared to do. Does anyone have an opinion on any of what I've written? I just hate being taken for granted!

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Do you have children? In my way of thinking, a parent owes it to their children to raise them. In turn, the children owe it to their own children. Obligation passes down the line and not up. Things done for the elders are out of love and kindness, not obligation. Setting limits on what you can do doesn't mean there is less love and kindness. It just means that you also have to live your own life.

Some elders are independent and have healthy, loving relationships with their children. Other elders can get a tunnel vision, where they see little outside themselves. In the latter case, children have to set the limits or the relationship wears down. No child wants his or her life to be consumed by a parent. It isn't healthy.
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Dear JessieBelle --

I totally agree with you. I have a son, and I have never expected anything from him but love and respect, and I did a huge amount for him as he was/is special needs. I think guilt trips are just awful. And to see my mother behave this way now is just so sad. She has such an attitude of entitlement, and this makes me feel more like a servant than a daughter. I realize that she gave me a wonderful childhood, but where do I draw the line now? I simply don't know how to create boundaries for myself. What do you think of my plan to limit my time as I have described it? Otherwise, every time she needs or wants something, I usually just do it to get it over with. I feel like a nincompoop!
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I think your plan to limit the time available to provide services to your mother is excellent. I hope you will stick to it, because you will certainly get pressure to make exceptions or give up the plan entirely.

Even if you were in an isolated setting where mother didn't have access to paid services, or if she couldn't afford them, or if you were her only child, even then you'd need to set some boundaries. Under the circumstances you describe it is really unnecessary and unhealthy to be at your mother's beck-and-call. With luck, she could be around another 10 years. It is worth the effort to establish healthier patterns.

When she tries that "you owe me" gulit-tripping, ask (repeatedly) by that logic why your sisters don't owe her. You don't think than any of the three of you "owe" her, but if anyone does, you do not understand why she only expects you to do it. Her logic isn't consistent. But it is kind of like religious views. She believes something and you don't believe that same thing. Logic really isn't the core of the problem. "Well, Mom, I understand that that is what you believe. I don't share that particular belief. For example, I do not think my son "owes" me anything but respect and love."

When you set your time boundaries, maybe she'll call upon her other daughters to help some, and maybe she'll hire it done, or maybe she'll just save up her errands for the times you are available. He choices are not your problem. You establish what you will do, and stick to it.

Good luck. And let us know how it goes!
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Just curious. Did your mother "owe" her mother, saw she at her mother's constant beck and call?
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its like I told my mom one day when she throught that crap at me-i didnt ask to be born because if I did, I sure wouldnt have picked you as my mother. I reminded her what she did do for me was because thats what mothers re expected to do.. Of course saying that didnt do any good and of course she sitll thinks all of her kids, five of us owe her. Her attiude and way of thinking as driven four of us away.
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I also agree about limiting the time. Maybe you can get senior citizen in the neighborhood to help occupy her time. I am the oldest of 4. No one does much but me. I feel the burden also, but I work full time and I cannot do what she expects. I have power of attorney over her bills and banking, so that is enough running around. I feel for you. Please worry about you first or you will not be able to take care of her at all.
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My mother raised three of us with just some Social Security she received from my stepfather's death and what work she could pick up with just a seventh grade education. We never wanted for anything we needed. We did not have a big house or expensive car, but we had a comfortable house, good food and the best clothes she could afford, (and sometimes could not afford). When she needed me, I felt a sense of owing her, not to the point of being her slave, she never asked for that, but I loved her very much and wanted to do what I could for her. I think your plan is a good one. Do only what you can do and let your sisters know they have a responsibility also. Good luck!
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It's really become more and more evident to me that there is this generation, this age group, that somehow learned this behavior of manipulation and entitlement. I have read more posts on here dealing with this same "entitlement mindset." I know exactly what avidreader speaks of, having been there. To me, this is part and parcel of the other "silly" statement that you owe your mother your birth, she birthed you, she took care of you. I have never placed one demand on my children for that silly reason. They did not ask to be born, they were a product of a sperm and an egg coming together. In fact, I did everything for my children with love and pleasure and only would like to be respected. It's a nice gesture to do nice things for people, for everyone, particularly for family, but it's a bonus and not an entitlement. And Playagrandma, I AGREE with you 100%. My mother has 3 children and only 1 speaks to her. She's burned her bridges with her mean-spirited, incredibly malicious and devious ways and basically, no one deals with her anymore, so exactly right--she would not have been who I would have picked. In some cases (mine) in took many, many years to finally say "uncle." She put herself into an assisted living facility (burned her bridges with my brother and his wife and then moved out) and doesn't bother to call ME now anyway, because all her needs are being met in her new digs. Indeed, the only contact I ever had with her over the last 15 yrs. was whenever she needed something or to b**ch incessantly. A more unpleasant woman I have never known.
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My mother-in-law has a similar attitude, but it extends to her nieces. We have set her up with Visiting Angels. One of the things they can do is take her to the beauty parlor. She said she is not going to "pay someone" for something her nieces (who live nearby) can do for free. When we said they were busy with their own families, she replied, "They OWE me."
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I suspect EVERY generation has had individuals who have tried to use "guilt" to shame the children into overextending themselves.
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I am in the same boat you are in but my is 92 yrs old and is my Mother-in law.
own a 2 family she sleep up stairs in her apt. down stair with us all the time.
Every hard to deal with. just in the pass week got her a helper finally but is only happen after a bad fight with her.She was another son who lives in the same town and is retired but will not help out. We both work still but it is me who does all for her.
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My Mom is like that too. She actually "makes work" for my daughter and I because she thinks we enjoy waiting in her. She never says please or thank you. Instead of asking nicely she says "I know what you can do for me". As if when we come to visit her we're just dying to wait on her. I do what I can. When I put my foot down she pouts, whines and complains. Every once and awhile she says thank you by ordering something hideously and ugly from QVC. I guess her heart is in the right place.
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I am glad to help my mom anytime any day that I can.
But, I am not available all the time and my mom would not think or say I owe her.
In her way, she is bullying you. It is time to talk with your two sisters and tell them that they need to step up and spend more time helping and being with your mother.
Make a schedule with them. Be flexible and let them know they are as responsible as you are. They should want to spend at least an evening, afternoon or whatever with her every week. Between the three of you that should cover most of what she needs. You also need to be firm and let her know that you cannot be at her beck and call. I believe you should set up days that you will help her. For example, Monday at 2 will be grocery day. Wednesday at 11 am will be doctor, dentist, prescription day. And maybe a flexible morning or afternoon to take her visiting, or to lunch, or just a drive.
I believe your problem is with your sisters. Not your mother. If she turns their offers of help down, then she should be willing to take the consequences. You are entitled to your life, regardless if you work or have other obligations.
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One thing that seems to have escaped this generation's thinking is "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!"
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Lindarose, that would never have worked with my mother for two reasons. No matter how much time you gave her, it never would have been enough. And God forbid, if you had to alter that schedule or call and say you couldn't make it because you were ill or something came up, you would never have heard the end of it. See, that's the issue. When people are nice to you, and don't expect anything much at all, it makes you want to do everything in your power to accommodate them. Not all of us are blessed with sweet, nurturing, caring and understanding mothers. But I know when I watch shows like the Waltons and all those other lovely, schmaltzy shows, tears run down my face because I never knew what it was like to have someone hug me, comfort me or call me "honey." Yet, somehow, her children "owe" her. I won't ever understand that mindset, even from a caring, loving mother! This maternal instinct of nurturing is something I feel I owed to my children.
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Ok I am shocked by most of these answers, My mother lives with me and I am her 24 hour caretaker for the last 6 or so years, I do it because I love her and she has always been there for me, do to certain things going on in my life such as going to be getting a divorce, she will in about 6 months or so enter a nursing home hopfully getting medicaid but yes I don't think you driving your mom around is alot to ask, I wonder sometimes what has happened to this world, where is the empathy, is this how you wanted to be treated when you are that age, get a grip, she isn't asking for that much, be glad you still have her because one day you won't, sorry if I sound harsh but I beleive we should do what we can for our parents are they did what they could for us, as the bible says honor thy mother and father, hugs
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Such a shame. This "entitlement" thing is out of control! I am afraid our thirty something children are teaching their kids the same thing. I cannot believe the way kids talk to their parents with such disrespect and demanding to be heard or always have it their way.
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Avidreader, I don't agree with ejbunincorn. I do believe we should be there to help our parents, but not at the expense of our own physical and mental health. If your mom was in true need then you should either help her yourself or arrange for someone else to do so. But I don't think you are obligated to be at her "beck and call" every day.
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why do women have such trouble understanding the concept that "NO" is a complete sentence? You are being emotionally manipulated and I imagine this is a life-long pattern that only YOU can change. Allowing yourself to be used and feeling resentful is not "loving behavior" - on either of your parts. Sit down, figure out your limits, discuss them with your sisters, and put the plan into play. Your Mother, and your sisters, do not have all the power you have given them - unless you collaborate with them to let them keep it. Your plan is sound - start to take care of yourself. if you dont respect yourself why should anyone else?
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Ask her if she drove her parents all around? I really wonder if this insisting for you to drive is something that started with her generation and not her parents! This conditional business our parents dish out is very frustrating. I'm 60 and would never set all the conditions on my children that my mom has set on me.
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Wow...that is pretty harsh of your Mom. Seems like you,ve done alot for her & probably getting burned out ( like the rest of us ). I like your idea of giving her 1 or 2 days to get her stuff done may work...and you have to get your sisters involved...by her way of thinking she did alot for them too. Just go to them and set up a plan for days that work for them...even a few days a month between them will help ( notice I haven't said ask them...they could have volunteered in the past to help you ).You need help don't let your mom guilt you into not taking it...
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ebunincorn has a situation that is ideal...she adores her mother and her mother was a nurturing mother to her all her life. Do you understand that this is COMPLETELY different than someone who takes full advantage of everyone around her and has burned out EVERY person (including cousins, siblings and friends) who have been simply USED for whatever could be gotten from them and when they can't "do" for her anymore, she discards them. You are using your situation to compare this to a manipulative mother, which it does not sound like you have. Oh yeah, one more thing, my mother would call me on the phone and ask me "when are you going to retire?" because this way, I would have been much more available for her. This is a woman who is in the family's opinion, the reason my father died so much earlier than need be. He had a death wish that he shared with me all the time, that's how difficult a woman we are dealing with here. Resentment? You better believe it.
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I'm going through a similar situation. My mother was a wonderful, caring and loving mother, but now that she is 82, unable to drive or do much for herself anymore, she's suddenly become extremely selfish and demanding. I'm retired and married and trying to enjoy my time with my husband now, and I do what I can for for mother, but it will never be enough. She has someone come in for 4 hours a week to help her with housework, but I take care of most of her finances, laundry, garbage and I do take her out at least once a week. But does that satisfy her? Never. I plan to take a 5 day trip to Florida with my daughter and she had a fit, saying that she would have to ask a neighbor for help while I'm gone. That is ridiculous. She'll be fine, I'm going for 5 days, not 5 months. But she's jealous because I have a life of my own and she doesn't. She then starts the guilt trip about how so and so is such a good daughter and does everything for her mother, insinuating I don't do enough. Now I'm resentful and can't stand to even be with her. I'm an only child and have no one else to help, so I get the brunt of her nastiness. Now I feel I do things for her out of obligation and I hate the fact that I feel this way in her last years. It really sucks, but it's very important to set the boundaries and stick to them even if they don't like it. Otherwise, you will have NO life at all other than being her servant.
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This is a common attitude among people of your Mom's generation. I have heard it too as my MOM lives with us for 6 years now and will turn 86 next month . The thing is I do NOT want MOM to drive and neither does her DR so I am OK with taking her to the store and dr's etc etc. HOWEVER...make her aware that you only will do it a certain number of days per week.. Two times a week usually is what I will do ....unless like yesterday Walmart didnt have one of her prescriptions so I will take her back today to get it.
I am trying to retire now but I worked during this caregiving and it can be overwhelming.
I am sorry if I am repeating anything previous people have written but I do not have time today to read all the responses. One thing I know for sure is I DO NOT WANT to have to move in with my children down the road and hope to not have to. My Mother did not do as much for her mother and really didnt do a lot for me growing up . That really isnt important though because I am a certain type of person and do things that feel right to me. I suspect most people on this site are the same type of person that I am...we are caregivers and helpers and for some reason this is the way we are ...and it is a good thing as far as I can see. HUGS TO ALL THE CAREGIVERS AND GIVERS ! Without us the world would be a sad place indeed.
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Oh and I forgot to mention that when HER mother was sick for years with cancer, my mother NEVER, NOT ONCE, went to help her. They did live 2000 miles apart, but she never flew out to be with her and the one time she planned to visit her mother, she died before she got there. She's full of excuses why she wasn't there for her mother, but I'm expected to give up my life for her.
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why are you shocked over these answers? Not every elder person is nice.
I n my case all my mother-in-law thinks about herself and only herself. All her life was like this. She never what out of her way to help anyone not even her own mother. In my mother-in law words she would say I sign to bring over for my mother,father,sisters and brothers so, they own me. and quess what her only has me because I AM A DOOR MAT and I can not hurt her.
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Your mother is using guilt to manipulate you. Your mother probably knows your siblings don't succumb to her guilt tactics. Stand firm with your mother, allocate the time you have to assist her and let her know that helping ones parent is out of love and respect not payback for bringing you into the world. She made the decision to have children. It would be a different story if your mother were financially challenged and needed the transportation aid you give, but sounds like that is not the issue. The issue is control being forced upon you by your dear mother.............Believe me I have experience with this issue.
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My mother lived with me for 20 years and it was fine until she was diagnosed with COPD. She wanted me to stay home and be her companion. I still worked and had friends. She wanted me to forgo my friends and my significant other to be with her.
When I did stay home a few times, she didn't interact with me. I saw that she had food and her meds, but continued to lead my own life.
All caregivers need to have a life, have friends, and enjoy other activities.
My mom wouldn't go see her mom when she was dying but wanted my attention.
Amazing what the attitude is when the shoe is on the other foot.
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Just a thought. Ask you mother if when you were a child, did you demand everything to go YOUR way. Did you tell your mother she owed you because she gave birth to you. Did you get everything YOU wanted. Expect everyone to jump at your beck and call? I thought not.

So why does this logic or lack of logic seem to apply with you. You were not given everything you wanted when you were little, so what makes her think she can have everything she wantsm now that she is old?

My mom is exactly like your. Only she was extremely selfish when I was growing up and, no, she didn't help with her mom either. Did the minimum for any of her relatives.

I am sure if you really look back, you will see a pattern of this behavior. I know I finally did and now I just refuse to have anything to do with my mom. Hope it doesn't come to that for you. :)
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I suspect that most of these elderly parents have the same thing in common -- they have reverted to childlike behavior. I think this sometimes happens because of mental decline but also happens because they are trying to assert control in a world where they've lost most of the control of their own lives. Just think about how you would react if you lost the ability to go where you wanted to go, when you wanted to go there. Again, it is like being a child to be in that situation and children don't behave graciously or logically when they want their way. But that is also the answer -- you wouldn't always dance to the tune that your child played and you cannot do it for an elderly parent. You have to set limits and guidelines. Once they understand those limits, they'll mostly live by them. Just remember that, like children, they'll periodically test the limits to see if they can push them out a little.
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