My father in law died during the pandemic and we have not been able to plan his service. He was an atheist and wanted a party for a celebration. We had him cremated and we are holding on to the ashes. His wish was to be buried in his Unitarian church’s memorial garden. My mother in law has not willingly talked about the burial or any of the details. My husband is their executor, it feels like he is in over his head.
It is an unusual time but I feel like something off about the complete avoidance about planning any kind of burial or service. In the meantime, I am not comfortable having his ashes with us because he was so vocal about his intention. Any advice?
Not everybody wants to plan funerals or memorials or services; some people can't handle the topic of death at all. I imagine your MIL is still grieving the sudden loss of her husband and doesn't really want to face the whole finality of the burial. Can't say I blame her. Which is why you and your DH can just move ahead with your FILs wishes, thereby letting MIL off the hook. When my father died, my mother was such a zombie there was NO WAY she could even answer a question never mind plan anything, nor did I expect her to. I did everything, and just picked her up for the service at the cemetery.
My condolences for your loss; best of luck moving forward with FILs wishes
I arranged through our funeral arranger for a small military service with a Chaplain and one soldier at the nearby National Cemetery. Just our son, his wife and their twins. My husband was not a sociaI person and had no close friends. I gave the chaplain some information about my husband, my daughter-in-law made a small bulletin board with various pictures of my husband over the years, and a newspaper article of him. The twins were almost 6 at the time, and were thrilled to see the photos of their grandpa on display. I arranged to have two flags presented, one to me and one to the twins (mine will go to them, so they each have one of Pap Pap). Just as the Chaplain started to talk, two waitresses from my husbands favorite restaurant arrived. I was surprised. That's all we had. After the small service we had planned to have lunch at a certain restaurant, and invited the Chaplain and soldier (who declined), and invited the two friends. The chaplain said grace at the restaurant and a few encouraging words. During the lunch we said very little about husband/father/grandpa. The chaplain shared some words of encouragement and for the rest of the luncheon we had laughs and talks, that's the only thing my husband would have wanted. We were just wife, son, family and those 2 friends, and the chaplain.
He died in the summer and had many elderly relatives so heat and getting people to a funeral would have been a hardship to many. So we had a memorial service with pizza and cookies. Instead of solemnity and grieving we were able to enjoy memories and stories. I made posters with pictures from his life and my siblings brought momentos of his life.
This was easier on Mom, too, not having to make so many decisions at such a traumatic time. And quite frankly saved up a lot of money on a funeral.
Now my husband wants a big funeral which has been paid for and wishes to be buried beside his mom and dad who had a 3 person plot. But, he flat refuses to finish the planning by purchasing the vault required and a headstone. He has picked out his casket and told me what he wants to wear. I just wish he would finish the purchases needed to be complete.
So we're delaying things indefinitely at this point until covid-19 is under control then we'll plan our big memorial party to celebrate their years together on earth and in the afterlife.
Maybe that's an option for your mother in law to wait and have one big memorial to honor the two of them. Just a thought, good luck to your family in working this out. Grieving is not easy.
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