The last time we visited my mother in-law and her husband in FL, we asked what's going to happen when you or your husband dies? She laughed it off saying we would take care of her. I said no that we didn't take care of my parents that they ended up going to a nursing home up the street from our house and both ended up living together and dying there. We still had and have our jobs and couldn't manage taking care of them.
I'll call her Dora not her real name. In early Sept. we received a call that Dora's husband died in his sleep. She had been taking care of him...he had dementia. Dora has her own health problems. COPD the biggest. She's 82 yrs. old. Dora has been living with us now for 3 months. She is not a wealthy women. My wife has left her job with 2 yrs remaining before retirement. She's being the caregiver. To make matters worse Dora was never a good mother. Not abusive or anything like that but an alcoholic in my wife's teen yrs. Always away while our kids were growing up. Really couldn't care less about our lives but only hers and her new husbands.
We've lost all our privacy. We set up a room for Dora but she's in our living room from morning to night. We need to let her know at least on the weekends..I work nights...that she needs to stay in her room after supper so we can have some privacy and intimacy. We don't want her to feel unwanted. How should we go about it? PLUS What should I be charging Dora for the care and home we're giving her?
Thanks
RJ
I'm no expert on entitlements but Dora qualifies for Medicaid and other services for the aged in Florida where she paid whatever taxes one pays and property taxes.
"She has a few dollars in the bank. Less then 10k and property in Fl. which maybe is worth 25k." Why not buy her another trailer that's in better shape, or a new one that can be financed and place it on the property in Florida?
Ah, The Things We Don't Think About Until It's Too Late. We could write a book on the subject.
Edward: Listen to what NYDaughterInLaw is telling you here, k?
How did that morph into "she had to move into our home"?
That's where we are all having a problem figuring out the thought process that went into this.
The first thing to do now is to get her a "needs assessment". You can request this from her doctor or from the local Area Agency on Aging.
You need a dispassionate and professional person's advice on whether she can live independently or needs a certain level of facility care.
Once you know what her needs are, you ascertain her resources and what financial help she is qualified for.
There is no "have to". Especially not in NY.
Figure out how to get your MIL out of your house and how to get your lives back on track before it's too late.
Good luck!
Me, I would apply for Medicaid for her and find her a place to move to.
You have probably already figured it out...this is not going to work. Good Luck!
Eventually, she is going to need other arrangements.
You can tell her that you care about her and want to help, but you cant do it alone and need help to help her.
What would prevent MIL from toddling right into their living room, just as she is now? unless she’s somewhere that she can engage with others daily, she’s going to try to put herself “where the action is” whether she’s welcome there or not.
Human beings are social animals. We need interaction.
You all sound very timid about saying "this isn't working out for us". What are you afraid of?
Is there a paragraph missing?
Para 1 you give your MIL a perfectly clear, sound explanation of why you will not be allowing her or FIL to come and live in your home once one of them is widowed.
Para 2, all of a sudden, MIL is widowed and has been living in your house for three months.
What went wrong? You were out and your wife got ambushed or something? - how did MIL get into the house?
There are various ways to approach the question of how much Dora should be paying. Here is one straightforward way, easy to keep records for Medicaid and simple to work out. If she is, say, a third of the household then she contributes a third of shared expenses: taxes, utilities, groceries (if they're pooled and you all eat together) etc. If you also have three teenagers and a toddler living with you, then obviously her share of the household costs diminishes. Medicaid isn't going to get antsy about a single cellphone bill, they want a justified rationale of what she's been paying out and what for, and you have to show that she was paying her fair way.
You say you don't want Dora to feel unwanted. Unfortunately, Dora IS unwanted. Especially after supper, apparently.
I do honestly think you'd better make another plan. Please explain what happened and maybe forum members will spot how the family can retrace its steps.
We could not leave MIL in those conditions. We live in upstate NY her in Fl.
We had to fly down and drive back. We had no choice at the time were to relocate Dora. What happened, happened.
We will be figuring all the money situation out shortly once her SS check is current and up to date. It was not the right amount for the last 3 months but should be correct next check. The county has sent us a form to fill out and we'll go from there.
Then you skipped to she is living with you.
So yes, it seems this is a done deal. I do hope you and your wife spoke about it before it happened. Because quite honestly it is too late now.
I would schedule a meeting with your wife once a week in which you sit together over a nice glass of wine (or two) and discuss how it is going for EACH of you. What is the UPside. What is the DOWNside. And if it is not working, what is not working and can it be fixed. If not, then you need to go to Dora and say that you are sorry but it is not working to have her living with you. That the three of you will now begin to explore her options of where to stay on her own nearby or in some level of care. But that there is NO option to stay with you.
That's about the only choices isn't it? You let her stay and you make it work, or you don't let her stay. This is all made more difficult by the fact none of these things were discussed BEFORE she came, including what her costs would be moving in. If she is to pay to income in exchange for care, or income to you for staying with you, it needs to be done by contract drawn up, and I would use a lawyer, because of course there are tax implications and you will need to find out what they are.
Wishing you all good luck and hope you will update us as you go. Every caregiving experience on the forum is an education to others on this journey.
She has a few dollars in the bank. Less then 10k and property in Fl. which maybe is worth 25k. We are both now listed on her bank account and her SS check goes toward her shared expenses with us. My wife and myself have come to realize that we need to talk to her about our space. That we need more alone time. We plan on doing this after the holidays. But you're right about keeping the channels of communication open with my wife about the overall situation at least once a week. Once we find out exactly what her income is (SS was not correct the last 3 months but should be in her next check) and what her health expenses are we plan to fill out the paperwork that our local county has sent us. After we find out what she is eligible for and if the situation worsens then we would need to discuss her future living arrangements would be at a that point.
Thank you and everyone for sharing their advice.