My mom and my sister have always been close, especially since the passing of my dad 4 years ago. My sister and I are different whereas I am more independent and I do not ask my mom for help and handle my own issues but my sister asks mom for everything with no guilt whatsoever! My mom is getting ready to retire and she is afraid of living alone as she is getting older. When my dad passed away, my sister sold her home and my mother sold her home and the bought a mother/daughter house out of state (where we are originally from) and slowly broke the news to me. I was hurt that they did that and my biggest mistake is that I failed to say anything in order to keep the peace. To make a long story short, the arrangement didn't work out after 3 years and they sold their mother/daughter house. My relatives were telling my mom that she was making a mistake and that it was unfair to me to even have made the purchase but she said she had to put herself first. Following the sale of their house, my sister and her family moved out of state and about a mile away from where I am living now. They are renting a house right now and looking to buy soon. Well, when mom was out visiting for spring break she started to talk about relocating as she missed the grandkids, etc. I would love for mom to be closer to us!!! So what is the problem? I am hurt that my mom and my sister purchased another mother/daughter house about a mile away from me and said NOTHING to me about it until the closing. They didn't even tell me about it - they went through my teenage kids and texted them the news. When I confronted them about how hurt I was - they told me that they thought I knew about their plans and that I need to not make any problems because we will all finally be together and that mom will be taken care of. All of these decisions were made without me. They basically called me and told me of the "terms and conditions" which I think was a pretty sneaky and disgusting thing to do. The mother/daughter house is quite extravagant and will be in my moms name - so she said it will be my house too. I just don't envision my sister and her husband maintaining a home that is part mine?? It's very complicated. In addition my sister is enjoying her new car and planning on putting her kids into private school next year - where is she getting this money from? MOM!!!. Ifeel my sister doesn't have my mother's best interest - she is enjoying her money!! My mom is to blame because she is enabling this situation and I feel very left out of all of it. I am hurt and upset as well as my husband. My mom and sister think I am being ridiculous - so that is why I am here - looking for advice as to how do I carry on - I am so hurt and disgusted. Has anyone experienced anything like this? I just can't go over there for family get togethers and pretend everything is fine - some people say it is what it is...other say walk away - I don't need the BS. But, it is my family! My husband says for me not to feel bad about anything because they obviously didn't care about me or my feelings when they were planning this behind my back! What a mess! Any advice would be so appreciated! Thank you!
Regarding the complaining, I think you may benefit by telling your sister and Mom that you don't want to be the mediator to their conflicts or differences.
I do get passionate and I had a run in with sunny yesterday very similar experience....but as we have our valid reasons for our opinion she may have hers and being new or a poor communicator did not phrase it properly idk I do like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt...
if we were to get back to topic yes....Karenga....there is just something that doesn't make sense with her story. Seems there is a bit more than what is on the surface...as a few had expressed! or it may be a little whiny for lack of a better term, no offense intended.
My apologies to all for my insensitivity in this!
Over n out on that topic!!!
I Do Not See Favoritism in JeanneGibbs story of her son helping out around the house. Have you ever lived in a home when the male of the household can no longer do the yard, the plumbing, the electricals, etc.???? I would have opened my arms wide if any of my nephews moved in here!! Instead,I paid the plumber $200 to unclog our drain because I don’t know how to use a snake on it. I paid the plumber another $900 to again drain the clog. I had to wait one week until my brother of next door deemed it time to fix our burnt out electrical outlet (he’s an electrician.) I was soooo stressed because that was the only outlet connected to the stove/microwave. I had 2 bedridden parents and oldest sis staying here. How was I to cook and warm up their meals thru out the week? So, darn it, if I had a son like JeanneGibbs, yeah, I would welcome him in!!!!
I will admit that I wasn’t happy when fave sis moved to the other side of the island…and that was only because we always spent a weekend with each other. When she moved, we both didn’t want to drive far for visits. So, we ended up seeing each other less. In the end, she wasn’t happy, and they sold their place and found another home closer to us. But, I did not expect to have any input on any of their potential homes. That is their decision..being both adults.
GOOD DAY!
I was told I was not welcome in a certain home for the thoughts on one of my posts and I say-- good! Wouldn't want to be there! --see, now if we had smilies I would have one with it's tongue out!
Will miss your smart advice Jeanne! Please come back as soon as you can!!
((((hugs))))
But, Jeanne, a break is a break. Sometimes we need them, but please don't be effected by someone who made an ignorant assumption.
Jealousy and sabotage often attempt to thwart wisdom. Truth and common sense withstands the onslaught. Take Care, Jeanne:) xoxo
I especially think sharing personal experiences is helpful. But it is the nature of discussion boards that when you reveal something personal you open yourself up to judgment and criticism. Based on reading two paragraphs about my life, a poster feels qualified to say that I am a selfish parent, that I play favorites among my children, that I promote sibling rivalry, and that I’ll be lucky if any of my children deign to offer me assistance in my time of need. Whew!
I know the nature of discussion boards, and usually I am able to take this kind of attack in stride. This is not from someone who has ever met me or my children or who knows anything about my family life. But right now I’m feeling vulnerable and a bit fragile. I just don’t need this kind of grief, ya know?
I’m going to take a break from this board for a while. I have a strong feeling I’ll be back – there are some really good and insightful people here. I just need to protect myself from personal attack for a while. Call it respite … and I’m always preaching about the need for respite!
A few months after the diagnosis I held a family meeting, with the distant daughter on speaker phone. Each child and each older grandchild got a folder with various materials about the disease, a copy of the DPOA statement, a copy of the Advance Directive, a wallet card about what drugs should not be given to their Dad/Grandfather, and telephone numbers of the specialists treating him. I told them of my intention to keep him home as long as humanly possible, and my promise to see that he got appropriate care if I could not provide it. I asked them if anything seemed inconsistent with what they knew of their father. I asked for their help as the disease progressed, in whatever form they could provide it.
I kept a blog on Caring Bridge and anyone who wanted to know the latest activities and crises and decision points could read it.
But I did not think it necessary or important to discuss my living arrangements with them. And none of them seemed to mind. And I did not think that accepting YS's offer to move in and help out was showing favoritism. If anyone else did, they didn't mention it to me.
MishkaM, I too think there is some odd behavior in the OP's situation. But just because Mother says she intends to leave the house to the poster in her will doesn't mean, in my book, that the daughter has a right to give input on it. Those who are going to live there get to make that decision. After Mom is gone, the other daughter can cash it in if she doesn't like it.
I wouldn't have been so closed-mouthed about the house purchase, I think, but I still don't think it is an issue that should divide a family. I just have a feeling that something else more fundamental than when/how Mom announced the new living arrangement is at work here. Figuring out what it is and confronting the real issues is my advice.
In the past two years a brother and a sister each bought a new house and moved and another sister bought a retirement home and spends her weekends there now. None of these people thought to talk to me (or to our mother) about this major change in their lives until they'd made the purchase and even the moves. I guess in our family we expect each other to lives our own lives ... and to be invited to the housewarming parties! :)
See-this is one of those situations, no offense karengra, when I wish we could hear both sides of the story. Maybe we, as strangers unemotionally involved, could be bipartisan-is that the right phrase?
I feel we do not know your whole story karengra-maybe you could fill us in on details like -how communicative is your family on other issues? Is there a feeling of a favorite in the family? Does sis have a history of getting money from your parents? How is the relationship with your Mom outside of this manner?
Anyway-either way-good luck.
Sunny:)
It appears you may be a very selfish mother and maybe even have a "favorite son." I am a mother and know we love our children and since they can be so different, we treat them according to their individual personalities but "partially knowing it" and "partially showing it" are two different matters and we should not show partially. How could you hurt the others like that and not care?. What is wrong with families who do not discuss their problems or keep them together by allowing each one to be aware of what is going on in the family. One day the son cleaning the gutters may not be the one taking care of you when you need to be in unable to make your own decisions. But, if you continue to act like you are with your children, you may only have one willing to help you when you need each of them to be there for you, and the favorite son may not be there for you should he marry and no longer need you. I could understand the others reason for not wanting to be there for you when you are unable to take care of yourself? Discussing these family matters is a courtesy that we owe each other. I hope your other children will not hold this against you when you finally need them. Family's were put together to be together and help one other and it hurts when your own parent shuts you out.
Sunny
Apparently you and your husband and your friends all think that they done you wrong by not consulting you. I have a hard time relating to that conclusion.
1) Why would Mother need your input or permission or consultation to decide where/how she wanted to live? Does she have dementia? Is she not competent to make her own decision? Did you have a long-standing pattern of the three of you talking her decisions over?
2) If she had kept you informed of what was going on, perhaps invited you to inspect the houses they were considering, and generally kept you in the loop, how to you think the outcome would have been different? What did you want the outcome to be? Did you want her to buy a house for the three of you + spouses? Did you want her to live alone? What would you have advised? What are the chances you could have convinced her to do it your way?
It sounds like perhaps you feel that your sister was always the favorite, always got more from your parents than you did. And perhaps your sister was/is taking financial advantage of your mother. Those kinds of "wrongs" make a little more sense to me. As Perseverance suggests, figure out what is really bothering you about this situation, and talk honestly about your feelings, with Mom and maybe with Sister.
My five children are not carbon copies. Even the identical twins are unique individuals. They have different personalities, different strengths, different needs. Though I love them all equally, I don't treat them all the same. I don't have the same kind of relationship with each of them. I would hope that if any of them ever question the inequities or feel slighted they would confront me about it and give me a chance to explain and assure them of my unconditional love.
I think your situation is what it is. You may be able to clear the air and come to some informed decisions about it if you carefully identify what hurts you and disgusts you, and in particular how you would like it remedied, and then talk calmly with your mother about it.
At the time when I knew my sister was getting things out of my Mom I felt bad when they didn't tell me either what was going on. But it just shows that one or the other may know something is not right with what they are doing.
But on the other had if your Mother is being taken care of and your sister is willing to care for her I would just keep and eye on things.
I realized too late that my Mother was not being taken care of and she may have died from the stress of a child that was so needy.
Good luck with the family. I'm there with you.
Why can't you be honest with your Mom and tell her what *really* bothers you (ie "Mom, I feel like you love xxx more because you help her out financially" or "Mom, I am hurt because I wanted you to move in with me and my family" or "Mom, I think XXX is taking advantage of you and I am concerned that she is relying upon you to meet her financial needs, and beyond"... you get the picture.
If possible I would try and just enjoy everyone being close together. For your own sanity-not for them. For you. You know they were wrong, your husband does as well, forgive them for their faults and try and be happy with what they can give. I know it is hard but I think it will save you some wasted energy--some people just will not change.
Good luck. And ---these are just my suggestions from what I gathered from your post---if I am way off base I am sorry. (((hugs))))