Katsmihur Asked November 2022
Mom‘s neighbor got in touch today saying mom was found outside at 2 am going through the neighbor’s trash saying kids are in there. Any advice?
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She was going to drive to diner, but car didn’t start. She was in pjs and a robe. Neighbor walked her across the street back home. APS has been involved prior to today & called them with this new incident - waiting for a call back.
I have POA, but mom won’t go to neurologist or any other doc because she says they will throw her in a hospital. The primary administered a moCa and scored 22 in March (when she went to doc to get script filled).
Question is, who do I call next?
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I get the sense you don't live local to her. I think I would make a trip to visit her, PoA paperwork in hand. Whether or not she allows you into her home, and if she seems cognitively off, you should call 911 to be taken to the ER. She may get worked up. If so, call over the neighbor who helped her back into her home to verify to the EMTs of the recent wandering. Assure her she's going to get checked for a UTI, which is treatable. If she gets agitated, the EMTs can take her (show them the PoA paperwork). Once at the hospital you will have more options for how to move forward once you know what is going on with her (as it may be only a UTI). Hospital staff needs to know in no uncertain terms that she is an "unsafe discharge". Do not go get her, make sure she doesn't have her address book or phone so she can't call people to retrieve her. Ask to speak with the hospitals social worker. I wish you success in finding the best solution.
A true story a man was out of his home and was going around the street his was on during winter. Guess the outcome? He was found frozen to death on the porch of a home nearby. The neighbors expressed sympathy all the good that did since he was dead.
If this were me, I'd disable her car to prevent her from driving to the diner or anywhere else for that matter.
I don't know who you can call to have mom evaluated properly; you may have to wait for a crisis to happen before she is. Once she's hospitalized and they refuse to release her back to living alone, THEN she'll be placed in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing.
I'm sorry you're going through such a thing. In fact, I'm sorry such situations exist where our hands are tied with stubborn elders who refuse to accept help for their issues. It's sad and scary. I wish you the best trying to help your mom.
It is sad, but she’s not safe by herself now.
Your mother refusing to go to a doctor because she thinks they will throw her in a hospital sounds like a symptom of dementia to me. Your mother can't be making the decisions anymore. She is not safe living alone anymore. If you have her POA, please go and talk to her doctor and tell them what happened.
More often than not APS can be pretty useless. They will go charging in with swords drawn for some senior who lives a good life and has good care. Yet for a senior with very obvious dementia that goes through the neighbor's garbage in the middle of the night because she thinks her kids are in it, they drag their feet.
Please talk to the police where your mother lives. At least the cops will make wellness checks on her. Tell the neighbors that they should call the police when they see her wandering. Go out and help her of course, but call the cops because you want to have a record of it. She needs to have a live-in companion or needs to be placed.
the police have been notified about mom a couple years ago after license was suspended, and again the other day about her roaming at 2am. Neighbors now know to call 911 and then call me, if they see something wrong.
I agree she needs assistance. But crises staff wasn’t allowed in Mom’s home and I don’t see how a companion will be allowed in there. Unfortunately, I think Something has to happen to her so that she can be assessed and then placed.
I called her township police dept. and have visited them a couple times over the years. They can act as transport, if mom won’t go willingly or if threatening self/others.
Agree with last sentence. She’s not safe at home now.
Hopefully, it is a UTI and her baseline comes back.
Prayers that APS will speak with the neighbors and mom is having a really bad day. She truly needs some intervention.
Hugs to you!
Not much happened. Crises number APS gave me a while back came out, but mom didn’t let the two women in. She seemed confused at the door bell and seemed to think it was some sort of alarm going off. She also said she was waiting for her husband to get home (he has been gone 8 years). Moms answer to the 2am question was that she doesnt remember. They gave her resource sheets and said she didn’t seem interested.
They won’t make a recommendation to 302 her, but will help write it and said it’s better to have more written in the 302, in the effort for it to be okayed by two doctors, before submitting to a judge. If it’s not approved by the docs, the information in that 302 cannot be used again in a future 302. Also, she said APS had not contacted the crises center about mom, and many times they do work together on referrals.
So, no intervention yesterday. I did let the neighbors know to call 911 if they see something wrong, then call or text me.
Exactly right. These things do happen all the time. When a person has dementia they need to be living a supervised life. The same as a child cannot be left living on their own to fend for themselves.
Best of luck.
The fact that she fears they will “throw her in the hospital” indicates to me that she knows something isn’t rite so I would start by finding ways to assure her that whatever the problem they don’t just lock people up and you will be with her with the power to protect her. As a matter of fact because you have that authority they are far less likely to just “lock her up” especially if she is cooperative and you work as a team. The first step is going to a specialist for a good assessment, just like having a heart condition or cancer can be helped with the rite treatment so might whatever is going on be. You can’t just assume the worst and you can’t. While there are obviously some cognitive issues going on here she doesn’t sound out of it all the time and there are many different ways to control those issues and keep her safe which don’t all include putting her in a locked facility or counting on neighbors to escort her home or call the police. If you don't live close enough to stop by daily it’s probably time for a trip to asses and talk with her in person.
She doesn’t trust anyone, is paranoid and hasn’t ever worked together on a team - even with her family. Not working outside the home - ever - didn’t give her opportunity to learn that skill.
Crises team visited her Thursday and could not go in, they said, because mom was adamant about keeping them out. I cannot get mom to see a specialist, or any doc, to confirm progression of her mild cognitive decline diagnosis 3 years ago. She wants no part of treatments or pills or activities or food/water intake that would help her.
You say she doesn’t sound out of it all the time. Until the 2am incident, I had not seen her ‘out of it’ or heard from anyone who said she was. Since then, I now know she’s wandering at 2am, making up ‘stories’ and living them out, she told crises staff she was waiting for her husband. There has probably been more of these types of things happening than I know about.
But, no matter. Crises team saw mom was getting ready to go out and looked like she was handling herself okay.
How is mom getting food?
I feel she sees it as a weakness and insists on not taking help. She’s said she can care for herself. So, she depends on people taking her to the diner or going out to eat. I have seen a dozen take-home food containers scattered in the kitchen - on counters and her table. She hasn’t cleaned out the larger fridge and now the apartment sized fridge/freezer is full, so her leftovers sit out. She admitted the other day that the house doesn’t smell that bad, so I’m assuming she hasn’t cleaned either fridge out. She says she’ll have to get to that task, but never does. Refuses my offer and the neighbors offer to help clean them out. Over, and over and over again she refuses. Insanity.