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For ten years, my father has claimed he was going to die soon. There were times when I’m sure he felt impending doom as he was very sick. There were other times, however, when he said it to manipulate people into doing things for him. I calmly try to assess each time he declares his last days because one of these times it will be true, but I no longer automatically get upset. Sometimes he just wants a little more attention.
Over her last year my Mom made a similar comment a few times. Something along the lines of “I’m not going to be around much longer.” Despite all of her medical issues we didn’t have any real reason to be worried about her going any time soon. And it was disturbing to us. But we tried to have non-reactive conversations about why she thought that. She wasn’t distressed or anything and was quite matter of fact about it. She just seemed to be trying to give us a heads up so we’d be ready. Saying something like “that may be so and I’m glad that you feel ready when the time comes, but right now I’m thankful you are here with us” seemed to be the answer. Acknowledges what she is saying and let’s her know she is loved.
By the way, Mom was right. And I miss her every day but would not have held her back from her release from daily pain. I had a vision while we were gathered around praying for her as she was dying. She was golden and shining. She had wings draped down her back. She had her arms thrown out and her head thrown back and the most joyous smile on her face and was spinning and dancing and throwing out sparks. The sense of joy and energy was indescribable. My sister and I had a special relationship with her and we all just “got” each other in spite of any disagreements and frustrations we had. We know that this was her becoming truly free at last.
Re the church music: My mom complained about the constant music she could hear. She said it was so loud she could not sleep. Took her to the doctors and she was diagnosed with auditory hallucinations. Of course, my mom didn't believe a word of that, but it was helpful to family. Even now, in assisted living, she hears a chorus of male voices sing tunes that she knows. She hears a radio host (like a Lawrence Welk kind of dude) who introduces the songs, and at the appropriate seasons there are Christmas carols, or summer tunes - whatever works. Sometimes the news or weather is covered too. We no longer talk about this because from her perspective, we can hear it and we are lying to her.
You could ask your mother what songs are being sung or what's on her news or weather. It's real enough to her. Does she always say it's annoying, or is it sometimes pleasant entertainment for her?
Welcome to the topsy turvy world of dementia where logic and tact disappears out the window. There is no right or wrong way to deal with situations of which you write, we just have to go with the flow. I have found the best way is to acknowledge what my mother has said, even though it may be alarming, confronting or confusing. Then depending on what has been said and whether it needs a further response, either continue the conversation or change the subject. To illustrate, if she says something about non existent music playing and wanting to know why, I might say the residents upstairs are having a singalong around the piano. If she does not accept the explanation and move on, I might ask if she would like to go and join in. Knowing full well that she hates that activity, and I get the expected horrified No!, I can then safely redirect her. But if I were to say there is no music playing I would be setting of a confusion that will lead to major agitation, and a very difficult situation for staff to deal with later in the day. The same applies to your mother saying she is going to die today. Acknowledge and move on. I have not experienced that specific statement ... yet ... but similar. I dont like the denial approach someone suggested because the patient is not having their fear acknowleged and that in turn can lead to the dreaded agitation. We all know our elder best and need to approach such questions or statements in a way that will cause the least concern or agitation. Good luck with finding what that approach should be in your situation.
My father had vascular dementia and he often used to say he is going to die. I used to get phonecalls asking me to come home because he thinks he is going to die. I was not very sympathetic, long story but I ended up telling him that there is nothing i can do. We all are going to die one day. He said i didn't care. Just wanted to make me feel guilty. He would often say he wants to die. I didn't like that but now he has passed away in December of 2019. He got his wish. I do misss him but I don't miss the toxic relationship we had. It is not easy with dementia so try to be strong. I was alone with my dad who suffered for 7 years and it drove me insane too. I am relieved he is no longer suffering. May he rest in eternal peace
My Mother had lewy body dementia. She was always asking me how her mother was, and she had been gone for 40 years. I never told her that her mother was dead, I didn't want to upset her. I Just changed the subject or made up a story about her mother and how she was. She believed anything I told her.
Just smile & say Ok, then talk about something else. Went through this with both parents and disagreeing with them just makes them agitated. Agree and move on - you'll be fine!
My Papa has been hearing music every day, all day, for the past four years. He has Parkinson’s, dementia, and severe hearing loss - so who knows which one is causing it. The song on a loop in his head is Onward Christian Soldiers. At Christmas, it’s Oh, Holy Night ;)
We have a resident at the Memory Care where I work who says this same thing every single day: Today is the day I'm going to die. It isn't, obviously, as she's still alive & well with no physical infirmities at all. Mental infirmities, however, are another story entirely. Alzheimers/dementia sufferers will get a thought or idea stuck in their head and it can't be chopped out with an AXE!
Sometimes a soul DOES know when it's getting ready to pass, so one day your mom's statement will be true, I suppose.
In the meantime, I'd just change the subject & redirect her.
I suggest accepting the statement with little fuss and set aside your own fears in the moment. My mom (and house mate) speaks of her death often. I am her only child that doesn't reflexively say "oh no!" or "don't say that!". She needs to express it, and it often leads to jokes about the "great shopping mall in the sky". She doesn't seem to fear it, and is ready and at 93. I don't blame her, because most of her peers have died or have dementia.
Funny story. Had a recent trip to the hospital with a series of what seems to be T.I.A.s (mini strokes). The nurse asked her if she had to "go" now. Mom cradled the nurse's cheeks in her hands and slurred, "I might have to go now, but it's not your fault." And although we did really fear she was dying, the nurse was only asking if she had to go to the bathroom. We all had a chuckle, including my Mom who keeps her sense of humor under some of the worst circumstances. This very resilient woman is back to her normal - writing checks (with some mistakes to be corrected), showering and dressing herself, cooking (with varied results), and toddling around the house.
It is probably unnerving to hear this over and over. Dementia doesn't help. Some people might say this once and done, but with dementia they forget what they say/do all the time, so the repetition could be related to that. As for the music, who knows how the wiring in the brain works - with dementia it is clearly messed up, so it could just be old memories coming to the forefront of thought at that time.
Reading some of the responses regarding this happening for those with hearing loss, I am surprised mom hasn't had this happen. Her hearing loss is pretty profound - she's worn hearing aids for a long long time, but I don't think the one she still has helps much anymore.
So far I haven't heard of mom doing anything like this, but she has been slowly regressing and old memories are popping up. Nine months after we moved her to MC, out of the blue she asked if I could drop her off at Nana's house on my way home. Nana? Yeah, you know, my mother... Errrr... Look at watch, replied it's a little late in the day, not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow. She was okay with that. She periodically asks them to call her mother, asks me if I've seen her, how is she doing, etc. More recently she mentioned one of her sisters (a younger one.) All of mom's generation, on both sides, are gone. I said I hadn't seen her in a while, so she replied that she is probably busy with 'that baby.' The reference was to my cousin's younger daughter, born very disabled. The older one is also disabled, but much more functional. That "baby" was born between both of my kids, so she is in the 40ish range!
If she's just making a statement, and doesn't need a response, just let it go. Eventually she will be right, but if it isn't upsetting her, try not to let it upset you. Just acknowledge her, smile, change the subject and move on. If she wants to discuss it more, go with the flow. Perhaps redirecting her to good memories would help.
(generally I don't hear any random music, but once in a while a tune just heard gets "stuck" in my head and it can drive me nuts! sadly it is usually something I don't really like... overriding it with focusing on something I do like sometimes works.)
My father would always say a dramatic "the end is near". For him it was an attention getting mechanism. While I know sooner or later he will be right I can't be in fire drill mode every time he says this.
His mother's line was "this is my last Christmas". She had 15 of those.
To the person who started the thread: My wishes for peace for you and your mom. She sounds like a strong lady.
My father, who passed years ago, had spoken of his experience of ascending to see God and others who have passed on (in visions that my dad had) during a near death experience after a stroke. He would periodically speak of going there, wanting to die to get there, for the 16 years that followed his stroke until his actual death. The place in his visions was beautiful to him.
My mother, who currently is in fairly good health and living in memory care, had asked me more than once before her memory worsened to be there for her when she passes; she was there for others over many years (she is a nurse and was a caretaker) and had described her feelings that someone should be there to help assure the dying person it is okay to move on.
I'm in recovery for surgery after removal of cancer and in recent months, have more often than in the past considered what should I do to prepare for my own death. I do have faith in God and am comforted by what is promised in scripture. I'm not obsessed with it, however, I do not want to be in denial.
None of this is meant to be morbid or macabre, but here are some practical suggestions that were presented in an adult education class in my church:
If you are married, your spouse probably has this, but if you are not, your next of kin, children, or attorney may not have information about any of your bank, credit union, 401k/403b, IRA, brokerage accounts, pensions, life insurance policies, and other financial information. Having this written down in one place would be of great help to him/her/them.
It's possible to prepay funeral expenses and funeral homes have payment plans if one cannot pay in a lump sum. It will also be less expensive to pay now than several (or even 10-15) years later.
If you have strong feelings about your funeral or memorial service: where (church, funeral home, elsewhere), who should preside, burial vs. cremation, readings/readers, music/hymns/songs, what you want in your obituary...put it in writing.
There may be forms you can obtain online for this; we got this in booklet form in the class.
For my husband death was embraced, he had suffered for 12 years, his illness took us both down to our knees. It was the final solution, we are all born to die, so IMO we must accept it.
All I would say to your mother is "I understand", as for the music, I hear Tom Petty in my head on & off all day, God only knows why him! I have Meniere's, my ear doctor says that is why I hear music! So I just go with it!
Never ask your loved one to stay for you. They are ready to go and we should be able to accept that. Death is natural and certainly welcomed by those who are tired of living. My dad will say I want to die and I say, I know, dad. Or he might say, I might not be here after today, and I say, that’s possible. He wants to go on so badly and I want that for him too.
As Peekachu says, it is possible this brings her peace. She is ready, every day, to meet her maker. Be aware, sometimes someone comes to them to tell them when they will pass. I warned my DH and he actually saw his first wife (predeceased him)before he went into the Death Coma. His passing was very peaceful.
After my mother passed in 2004, I assisted my father for 7.5 years until he passed in 2011. Especially during the first year, he was hospitalized 7 times for surgeries.
I sat with him until he was taken to the O.R. and each time I said the same thing to him - "I will be here when you awaken but if you must go, tell Mom I miss her." It brought comfort to both of us. I never asked him to "hold on" for me and was thrilled for him the day he saw Mom again. The joy on his face said it all.
This is not unusual. I would recommend that you talk to her about any concerns she might have and see if she is ok if that should happen. Assure her that her affairs are in order and that when/if it should happen that everything/everyone will be ok and that you will miss her deeply. Not much more we can do when our parents do this. Thankfully, they are usually on to another issue - so you might have to keep saying the same thing.
Sounds like this is comforting to her. Many people with dementia are seeking comfort when they become anxious looking for their mother, or their car, or the way to get "home". "Dying today" doesn't have the same meaning to her that it does to you. Think of a response that feels comfortable to you, such as "but I am so glad that you are here with me now." Add a comforting touch and it becomes an opportunity to celebrate love. As one who lost both parents in the past year, I can tell you that your mom is right. She may not be here tomorrow, so appreciate her today and be grateful that "dying today" is not bringing her anxiety. You can reframe the meaning of that phrase. She can't.
Yes, I've heard beautiful fiddle music. It goes with hearing loss which I have, comes and goes. Also have had hymns. I can't imagine where the selection comes from. It is very real. I had my husband listening for it out the window. Googled what was going on and was reassured by reading about musical ear syndrome.
I agree that some people sense when their time is near. Some people who have experienced near death experiences have said they have seen or heard things. Others with NDE’s don’t remember a thing.
Those who are close to death experience parts of this world and the next one to come.
I agree with Julia that only God knows the time for sure. I wouldn’t disagree with your mom about anything she heard or saw.
I have watched a few YouTube videos about hospice nurses that listened intently to all of their patients before they died.
Many of their patients had stories about hearing things or seeing visions not of this world. They believe everything them. They are lovely videos of their lives as a hospice nurse.
Check out Deathbed visions by hospice nurses on YouTube.
I believe that some people are blessed with seeing visions and/or hearing from the other side. Heavenly music and those that have gone on before preparing them for their time.
Praise The Lord that she is ready and looking forward to going home. That makes it easier for those left to mourn the loss.
My husband has been saying this at regular intervals for about 5 years! It’s unnerving because you never know if the prediction will be right, but so far, it hasn’t! I try not to take our time together for granted. Yes, the funeral is planned. I ask what it feels like and try to comfort him if he needs it.
Sometimes, our loved ones know when their time is coming. They will start to hear things and see people who died before or angels. They may talk about going home soon. Only God knows when it will occur, though.
If she has a sense of humor I would say ..Ya know mom one of these days you're gonna be right! I would also say..When that happens we are going to miss you and we will be very sad. (By the way if she is able to express her wishes ask her what do you want for your funeral when that happens? Best to plan early with a clear head than later with a broken heart) Hearing music might be just a form of tinnitus or she may be hearing it from a radio nearby, the TV or even if she has a cell phone if she gets "alerts" that might come up as "music" (I get alerts and they drive me crazy, have tried to stop them but it still happens) Reality is we are all gonna die one day, can't argue with that. If telling you she is going to die does not frighten her, worry her I would not be concerned. If she is frightened maybe a talk with someone from her church or place or worship if she has one.
She had a big smile on her face when saying this yesterday morning. She doesn’t have a cell phone and no one else heard the music. And yes she does have her funeral all planned out. She is looking forward to Heaven. She has been a wonderful mother; but wore herself out taking care of her husband, our dad, for many years. Thank you for your kind words.
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Musical ear syndrome is fascinating. Thanks for the info on this.
By the way, Mom was right. And I miss her every day but would not have held her back from her release from daily pain. I had a vision while we were gathered around praying for her as she was dying. She was golden and shining. She had wings draped down her back. She had her arms thrown out and her head thrown back and the most joyous smile on her face and was spinning and dancing and throwing out sparks. The sense of joy and energy was indescribable. My sister and I had a special relationship with her and we all just “got” each other in spite of any disagreements and frustrations we had. We know that this was her becoming truly free at last.
I have found the best way is to acknowledge what my mother has said, even though it may be alarming, confronting or confusing. Then depending on what has been said and whether it needs a further response, either continue the conversation or change the subject.
To illustrate, if she says something about non existent music playing and wanting to know why, I might say the residents upstairs are having a singalong around the piano. If she does not accept the explanation and move on, I might ask if she would like to go and join in. Knowing full well that she hates that activity, and I get the expected horrified No!, I can then safely redirect her. But if I were to say there is no music playing I would be setting of a confusion that will lead to major agitation, and a very difficult situation for staff to deal with later in the day.
The same applies to your mother saying she is going to die today. Acknowledge and move on. I have not experienced that specific statement ... yet ... but similar. I dont like the denial approach someone suggested because the patient is not having their fear acknowleged and that in turn can lead to the dreaded agitation.
We all know our elder best and need to approach such questions or statements in a way that will cause the least concern or agitation. Good luck with finding what that approach should be in your situation.
Sometimes a soul DOES know when it's getting ready to pass, so one day your mom's statement will be true, I suppose.
In the meantime, I'd just change the subject & redirect her.
Good luck!
Funny story. Had a recent trip to the hospital with a series of what seems to be T.I.A.s (mini strokes). The nurse asked her if she had to "go" now. Mom cradled the nurse's cheeks in her hands and slurred, "I might have to go now, but it's not your fault." And although we did really fear she was dying, the nurse was only asking if she had to go to the bathroom. We all had a chuckle, including my Mom who keeps her sense of humor under some of the worst circumstances. This very resilient woman is back to her normal - writing checks (with some mistakes to be corrected), showering and dressing herself, cooking (with varied results), and toddling around the house.
Reading some of the responses regarding this happening for those with hearing loss, I am surprised mom hasn't had this happen. Her hearing loss is pretty profound - she's worn hearing aids for a long long time, but I don't think the one she still has helps much anymore.
So far I haven't heard of mom doing anything like this, but she has been slowly regressing and old memories are popping up. Nine months after we moved her to MC, out of the blue she asked if I could drop her off at Nana's house on my way home. Nana? Yeah, you know, my mother... Errrr... Look at watch, replied it's a little late in the day, not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow. She was okay with that. She periodically asks them to call her mother, asks me if I've seen her, how is she doing, etc. More recently she mentioned one of her sisters (a younger one.) All of mom's generation, on both sides, are gone. I said I hadn't seen her in a while, so she replied that she is probably busy with 'that baby.' The reference was to my cousin's younger daughter, born very disabled. The older one is also disabled, but much more functional. That "baby" was born between both of my kids, so she is in the 40ish range!
If she's just making a statement, and doesn't need a response, just let it go. Eventually she will be right, but if it isn't upsetting her, try not to let it upset you. Just acknowledge her, smile, change the subject and move on. If she wants to discuss it more, go with the flow. Perhaps redirecting her to good memories would help.
(generally I don't hear any random music, but once in a while a tune just heard gets "stuck" in my head and it can drive me nuts! sadly it is usually something I don't really like... overriding it with focusing on something I do like sometimes works.)
His mother's line was "this is my last Christmas". She had 15 of those.
My father, who passed years ago, had spoken of his experience of ascending to see God and others who have passed on (in visions that my dad had) during a near death experience after a stroke. He would periodically speak of going there, wanting to die to get there, for the 16 years that followed his stroke until his actual death. The place in his visions was beautiful to him.
My mother, who currently is in fairly good health and living in memory care, had asked me more than once before her memory worsened to be there for her when she passes; she was there for others over many years (she is a nurse and was a caretaker) and had described her feelings that someone should be there to help assure the dying person it is okay to move on.
I'm in recovery for surgery after removal of cancer and in recent months, have more often than in the past considered what should I do to prepare for my own death. I do have faith in God and am comforted by what is promised in scripture. I'm not obsessed with it, however, I do not want to be in denial.
If you are married, your spouse probably has this, but if you are not, your next of kin, children, or attorney may not have information about any of your bank, credit union, 401k/403b, IRA, brokerage accounts, pensions, life insurance policies, and other financial information. Having this written down in one place would be of great help to him/her/them.
It's possible to prepay funeral expenses and funeral homes have payment plans if one cannot pay in a lump sum. It will also be less expensive to pay now than several (or even 10-15) years later.
If you have strong feelings about your funeral or memorial service: where (church, funeral home, elsewhere), who should preside, burial vs. cremation, readings/readers, music/hymns/songs, what you want in your obituary...put it in writing.
There may be forms you can obtain online for this; we got this in booklet form in the class.
God bless.
All I would say to your mother is "I understand", as for the music, I hear Tom Petty in my head on & off all day, God only knows why him! I have Meniere's, my ear doctor says that is why I hear music! So I just go with it!
After my mother passed in 2004, I assisted my father for 7.5 years until he passed in 2011. Especially during the first year, he was hospitalized 7 times for surgeries.
I sat with him until he was taken to the O.R. and each time I said the same thing to him - "I will be here when you awaken but if you must go, tell Mom I miss her." It brought comfort to both of us. I never asked him to "hold on" for me and was thrilled for him the day he saw Mom again. The joy on his face said it all.
Those who are close to death experience parts of this world and the next one to come.
I agree with Julia that only God knows the time for sure. I wouldn’t disagree with your mom about anything she heard or saw.
I have watched a few YouTube videos about hospice nurses that listened intently to all of their patients before they died.
Many of their patients had stories about hearing things or seeing visions not of this world. They believe everything them. They are lovely videos of their lives as a hospice nurse.
Check out Deathbed visions by hospice nurses on YouTube.
Praise The Lord that she is ready and looking forward to going home. That makes it easier for those left to mourn the loss.
May you all be comforted when she goes on before.
Sometimes, our loved ones know when their time is coming. They will start to hear things and see people who died before or angels. They may talk about going home soon. Only God knows when it will occur, though.
God bless
Hearing music might be just a form of tinnitus or she may be hearing it from a radio nearby, the TV or even if she has a cell phone if she gets "alerts" that might come up as "music" (I get alerts and they drive me crazy, have tried to stop them but it still happens)
Reality is we are all gonna die one day, can't argue with that.
If telling you she is going to die does not frighten her, worry her I would not be concerned. If she is frightened maybe a talk with someone from her church or place or worship if she has one.