Mom took good care of her parents & my dad when they were all old & sick. Now it's my turn to care for mom but I hate it...

This has nothing to do with being a good or bad daughter or with what your mother did for her parents. Caregiving isn’t an owed obligation. It’s a choice. And it’s not a choice that everyone can or should make. Just because parents cared for others or even us doesn’t mean we somehow twist this into having to do it for them. It’s done out of love and a sense of wanting to provide the care. And I think it’s harmful to both you and your mother to do it when it’s not what you can handle, much kinder to you both to find care that’s better able to handle it.

"Now with school reopening, my husband is telling me to quit so that I don't endanger mom's health. I hate, hate how mom is ruining my life. "

Therein lies one of the issues.    Going to school for in person classes could certainly endanger not only your mother's, but yours and your husband's health as well.    This is an issue to be addressed separately.

And I think it's inappropriate for the conclusion that your mother is ruining your life.   You do recognize that patience is a factor, so be honest and not critical of yourself and figure out a way to care for Mom, whether in your home or at a facility if she or you can afford it.

Is your husband Indian as well?   If so, I would guess that he also thinks that women are the chosen ones to care for others.    Perhaps this is also a cultural as well as a personal issue?

I would never, nor should anyone, consider someone a "bad" daughter.    I think different avenues can be explored to meet an end goal, but please don't chastise yourself w/o trying.

Have a sit down talk with your husband, identify all the issues, read more here, and consider what alternatives you have.    Then identify alternate solutions.

Does your mother speak/understand English?

In other times, in other lands, in other cultures this was the way it was. And it was not questioned. Believe it or not, it was this way in the United States as well. There were more families living and working together of different generations, often on a farm setting, where many in family were present. You are the unfortunate one to be on the cusp of so much change, and it is not longer the norm here for many years. In those days people lived and died in their home, had wakes in their homes and were buried on their own property. No longer at all the norm in the United States and changing in other countries as well. It will be hard for you to now make a decision. For several generations now in my family it was not expected or accepted that the young cared for the elders. So for me it is so much easier. But for the middle generation in immigration OR in own country, it is the case.
You will grieve if you make the decision for your own life and it will be hard with your own inner expectations. Only you can make the decision. Sacrifice your life to this care, or accept that times are changed and changing, and accept the grief. I stress accept the grief. Grief is much different than guilt. Grief means that you must cry, that things either cannot or will not be different. So many things in life are worth grieving. But guilt means something else. It means that there is a choice, and you fear you are letting down your own moral standards by your choice.
You will have to make your own choice. Many on the forum have had to do so. Many are torn and sad whichever way they went.
My heart goes out to you. You can only make this choice on your own, alone. And there is honestly not a good answer; not everything can be made right, can be fixed.
I wish you so much luck, whatever your choice.

Life doesn't always go smoothly, and it's really hard when it doesn't go as you want. I get it -- my life also went on hold in 2018. It's something you have to get your head around even if your mom wasn't living with you.

You're starting the switch from being the child to being the parent. It's a delicate dance as you begin to balance respect for your mother with needing to help her with basics tasks as you would with a child. Just like raising a child, patience is vital. Please try not to lose it with your mother -- she can't help getting old.

A good daughter's job is making sure your mother is safe and properly cared for. You aren't required to do the job yourself, but you are required to see to those things being done. Time to sit down with your husband to make some plans.

I also suggest you check the Alzheimer's Association website to educate yourself about dementia and got ideas on how to best help your mother. You shouldn't go down this road in a bubble or expect yourself to instinctively know what to do. Education is one of the mort important tools you can have.

No you're not a bad daughter. I feel exactly the same, although my mum was not a particularly caring person when I was young and not a great mother. She has lived with me for almost four years and I have hated every minute. I had to give up work as I had to keep calling in and telling them I couldn't go in because of my mum. I am on anti depressants and have had counselling. My physical and mental health is bad because of her and I have decided that it will end when I am 66 and can have my state pension. She will then go into a home and I will have a proper retirement and a life!!!

Thank you all for giving me very valuable guidance on helping me think through my confusion and sharing your stories. Like AlvaDeer says there is no right answer and yes, I think Im worried about my own morals....I was struggling to put words to my feelings but you are all so wonderful to diagnose my situation.

After coming to this website, I'm trying to accep that my life matters too and it's ok to put mom in a memory care facility when the time comes.


God bless you all..

Do you all have any tips on how to get mom to engage herself? Mom will sit on the sofa all day and I have to put books in her hand or take her to the laptop. I tried to teach her to use the ipad/laptop for a few months but she couldn't get it. She only initiates food and asks about mealtimes and is blank the rest of the day.

I wish she would walk in the basement by herself without me reminding her (not walking outside due to Covid fears), do some small puzzles by herself (I've done this many times with her), or sit on the deck with a book (I've to remind her) .

Mom took care of her parents and your Dad because that was the culture she came from. It was expected of the women. She may have hated every minute of it but was not allowed to show it.

Wren, you have done a very good thing. Your Mom was too far away for you to have her properly cared for. Your brother would not take on the responsibility. We gave you reasons why bringing her here was not a good idea, and after weighing the pros and cons you chose to have her live with you. Which was a very hard decision.

I too got that stare from Mom. I did not want to engage her because she never made any sense. I had a hard time carrying on a conversation with her because I had no idea how to answer her. And she got frustrated when u didn't give her the right answer. I could not deal with the neediness. Trying to engage Mom in anything is fruitless. If she didn't do it before, she won't be able to do it now. People suggest puzzles, coloring books, games and cards. My Mom did none of these before, her shortterm would not allow it with Dementia. So she too just sat and watched TV all day. We took her out to dinner with us. She sat out on the patio but there wasn't anything she could do but maybe fold towels.

I was lucky that my Mom had a little money and I placed her in an AL. She had the run of the place. Walked around the halls and had a common area where she visited other people. But for your Mom there is a language and cultural barrier. So for now its how are YOU going to handle her living there. If she seems happy sitting and watching TV then let her. From what I remember, Moms decline has been fast. Look at Mom as a small child. Because that is probably how she acts. Try to look at it as this is where I am in my life right now. If u can, hire someone to sit with her while you get away.

And Mom will not live to be 100. Dementia will take her way before that. Her brain is dying. The Dementia will finally reach the part of the brain that controls breathing and heart. When that dies, so will she. What makes you think she is not ready for Memory care? MC has nothing to do with physical health its about mental status. Needing 24/7 care.

If COVID wasn't out there I would say to keep working, but it is. So maybe husband is right in you need to protect u and Mom and quit your job until this COVID has passed. Maybe you can take Family leave. That will give you time to make the decision to quit or stay. Or, maybe the COVID will have gone for now.

Having been a caregiver for my Mother for 7 years, live-in, full time with little help until closer to the end. I know we can be our own worst critic.
The saying “the parent becomes the child” is true. If you reframe the situation to being a responsible parent for a child you can see things differently and much less critical. Our parent cared for us, changed our diapers, taught us to be kind to others, read to us until we could read, fed us until we could feed ourselves.....etc etc. And now here we are at an age where we are supposed to be excited to travel in our retirement, pick up new hobbies, enjoy peace and quiet in an empty nest now that our own kids are grown..... and now, suddenly, with no warning, our Mother has declining health and needs someone to care for her... and we’ve been elected!

I wasn’t elected....I volunteered! For 6-9 months, the brochure with all the pretty pictures said nothing about potentially 7 years!

I would have been so much better off had I been able to see myself as the Mother of a 2 year old who looks a lot like Mom. I would have felt some control of the situation had I put myself in the managers position instead of wanting to stay the child and wondering when Mom would be Mom again.
Not going to happen.

Give yourself the first gift in an ongoing list....Find a therapist! I’m serious! You need someone to vent to about daily events so you don’t beat yourself up for the hyper-critical perspective. They listen, don’t judge and you leave feeling better.

Take a walk by yourself or with your Mother. A 10 minute walk to get away from the frustration will do wonders for your frame of mind and your Moms. Walking gets the blood flowing. She will be resistant! How did our parents get us to eat our pea’s when we hated them.......a treat! What does your Mom enjoy that you can use.

Try to remember dementia is a serious disease! She can’t help it! If Doctors don’t have it all figured out how can we be expected to know what to do.

Find a local Caregiver support group! Ha! Good Luck with that. People, please start local caregiver support groups! Churches and community buildings let AA use their facilities. Well, if caregivers don’t get some ongoing local support we may need AA. Just kidding!

You and your Mother get in the car and go for a drive. Change the scenery! Take a picnic to a park. Go to the mall and disguise walking as shopping. Be creative! Yes, these are all methods I used.

Last, but most important, Laugh! Find a comedian you enjoy, cable channels, podcasts, an audiobook, if you can get your Mom to laugh it will do more for her spirit and moral than anything.
My motto was “if I didn’t make Mom laugh so hard she pee’d her depends at least once a day, I wasn’t doing my job right!”

I don’t mean to sound like a know-it-all, I’m not! I learned a lot during 7 years with my Mom. I just didn’t learn it until long after she passed. It’s been 3 years and I’m just now starting to see things clearly.

Good Luck! My dear! Stay in touch with this forum on your progress or lack of progress....it’s ok!

Forum’s like this were my best source of medical and non-medical guidance.

All the best,
Dianne

You are not a bad daughter, #1.
#2, your mother could easily live to 100, my mother is 93.5 with more issues than Newsweek, including moderate dementia, and still not ready for hospice. She's like the Energizer Bunny; keeps going and going and GOING.
#3, your mother doesn't have to be in physical decline for Memory Care; she has to be in MENTAL decline, which she apparently IS if all she does is stare at your face all day and soil the bathroom.
#4, things will continue to get worse as the dementia progresses; the behaviors worsen, the incontinence issues mount (as a rule), and the dangers mount as well when she starts to wander outside alone, get into the chemicals under the sink, start cooking and leave the stove on, etc. Read all about dementia/ALZ and educate yourself about what to expect so you'll know what is coming up.
#5, cultural obligations are not a good reason to take care of a parent in your home. I know. My Italian father insisted we care for my mother's mother inside our home. For 25 years. They fought like cats & dogs my mother and her mother, making MY life and entire childhood a living nightmare. To this day I have a crappy relationship with my mother but one good thing came from it: I vowed NEVER to take my mother in to live with me. N.E.V.E.R. To hell with cultural obligations when lives are at stake. Why is YOUR life LESS important than HER life? Ask yourself that question, because you are sacrificing YOUR happiness for HERS. For no good reason, I might add. Assisted Living/Memory Care does a splendid job of caring for my mother........MUCH better than I could ever do, frankly. And she has lots of others to talk to and complain about, 3 hot meals and 3 snacks, activities, etc etc. Her doctor comes in once a week and she can complain to her about all of her fabricated diseases to her hearts' content. And I can be the daughter instead of the care giver, and everyone is happy. It's a win-win situation instead of a living nightmare.

Think about YOURSELF now and stop with the "I'm a bad daughter" routine. You are a human being and the quality of your life is being greatly diminished by the burden you've chosen to take on. What are you going to do about it?

Best of luck!

Lymie61, mom was a rather introverted housewife in her youth but was famous for her wit and one-liners. She didn't like company or people coming over for dinner etc and was deferring to her mom (my grandpa) re: cooking & keeping house.
I was taking mom everywhere with me before the pandemic.

We have cousins and other extended family in India. Here we are a multi-generational family ...my college-age kids are home now and at some point, inlaws might also move in (ILs are with their other son right now).

You may be right that maybe mom found her calling in caring for others....if I try to ask mom about old times, she tells me the same stories and same criticisms of my dad....so I lose my patience..

Thank you for your feedback - I appreciate your taking the time to write.

My mother has told me for decades that she did not want her children (read daughters) to have to take care of her the way her sister did their mother. So I have always planned on helping her find a place to live when the need came. She helped to choose Assayed Living, now she is in SNF, and today it was suggested she would get better care in a facility with Memory Care.

My duty is to make sure she is safe and well-cared for. Tomorrow I will call A Place For Mom to get their advice on a new facility. I take care of all the finances, finding resources, medical care, etc. I consider that I am fulfilling her wishes.

Why cant you're hire an aide again? My mom has one

A very honest post and also understandable. It is a changed world in many respects. Traditionally it has always been our lot as daughters, to take up the caring mantle. Maybe they resented it in the past but maybe it was not as much of a shock to the system when the time came, if the woman's role had always been one of unadulterated and virtually continous caring. We, on the other hand end up trying to both work, compete in the outside world and cover the care at home.
There is a good deal of respect for those who care and for some, their identity is bound up in caring and their sense of self is intrinsic in the role. We are not all the same though and knowing that you are not as patient and will resent it, in an era where there ARE alternatives, is important too. You can work out a compromise. Good luck.

Wren9184, you've received really good advice here, and I can see you are realizing that you have to think of yourself equally as well. Each of us struggles with the inner conflict of what we can provide without losing ourselves totally.
I've cared for my three aunts and my mother for several decades, but from a distance, taking them shopping and to doctors since none of them drove, and setting up in home care as each of my aunts declined and passed away, leaving my Mom at a healthy 86 and able to live independently in her apartment that she'd shared with her last sister. It continues to be that way at 93, although she needs more and more help as she ages. I have a neighbor who used to take her to Bingo each week before the pandemic while I take her out at least twice a week to shop, the dentist, etc., and she has neighbors who she visits and they visit her. The maintenance man will do any chore she wants, and even stops in when she needs a can opened! She wears a mask and keeps a distance, but needs and craves the contact with people other than me, too.
My mother is starting to have some early senile dementia, and I plan to continue bringing in services as she needs them and eventually consider Assisted Living. She is an extremely difficult, narcisstic person who is very demanding, but I set firm boundaries that I can live with since I have a life outside of her (I'm 64 and my husband is 66 and just had a stent placed in his main artery, sons and their families, etc.) that she could have cared less about before she needed help and even now. She tries all kinds of manipulations that she'd used on me from childhood (I'm an only child), but I have support from family, friends, senior social workers, etc. and her doctors work closely with me if there is an issue.
Bottom line, you are not a bad daughter, and your main priority is to keep your Mom safe and healthy as well as yourself. Finding the right balance for you and your Mom is very important, and no decision should be made that you can't live with in peace. I wish you and all of us caring for our loved ones the best!

I believe that you were up to this. I understand your feelings, I had similar feelings. I have a very similar story. My mother took care of my grandmother until she passed away. Five years ago I left my home and moved to a different city to take care of my mother. It has been the most challenging time of my life. I thought it would never end. I was afraid. But all things end. Two weeks ago my mother made her transition. I am so glad for the time that we spent together. I believe you can do this! Please get the help you need to take care of yourself but you are up to the task.

Hi Wren,

Taking care of our parents is a tough job, made even tougher by Covid, and in your mom’s case by language issues. Please “fire” your inner critic if you can. We do the best we can in taking care of our parents and that’s all we can do.

My mom just returned from the hospital from a stroke not long ago, and we had four different therapists coming into the home. One has to balance the benefit gained by having needed help with risks of Covid, which can be minimized with masks and hand washing, etc. Your mental health counts too!

As for activities for your mom, I would say keep the movies and tv shows coming. But perhaps there’s nothing wrong with your mom simply sitting there, giving her brain some quiet time to rest (maybe get her to meditate?).

You made me think about starting a care home for Hindi speakers at some point (I’m not a native speaker but I’m learning and love Indian cultures), but most likely, when I’m done taking care of my mom, all I will want to do is to not take care of anyone!😂

Big hug to you!

PS - Trevor is great, isn’t he?

I have the same sort of situation myself. My mother has always been so independent and looked after my stepfather when he was I'll and then I had to visit him every week in the home he went in to , plus sit beside him when he passed Away. Mam had kidney failure two years ago and was in ICU thank God she pulled through. I took her home to live with me and my brother is not one bit of help and moved in to my mam's house although he has his own apartment. There is a lot of tension between my other sisters and brother now who all live abroad about caring for mam but not one of them will come home to help. Mam does get under my skin from time to time but sure so does my husband. She does sometimes not clean the toilet properly but she changed my diapers when I was small so it's payback. My mam has no interest in anything either but loves looking at films on the TV, old movies and quiz shows so I put them on everyday for her and do my painting, sewing and gardening , so we are not on top of each other. Mam has worked so hard all her life now she just wants to relax , have her breakfast, dinner and tea handed to her. When you feel annoyed think of how loving your mam was when you were young and remember she needs you most now. My daughters really admire me for looking after their gran and I hope when I am at that age they will still love me and care for me the way I do for my mother. Sit down in the evening with your mam and watch TV or talk for a while. Your mam is the best friend you will ever have and when she is not there anymore, you will miss her. Now I understand if the time comes and she needs professional help then it's ok to do it but do it for her. Keep up loving you mam and well done for caring.

Your not a bad daughter and your definatly not a failure. Your heart is in the right place to want to help your mom but sometimes it's just not possible to give the complete care that they need. I think it's a personal choice but you shouldn't feel obligated or do it out of guilt. And not everyone is able to just put life on hold. I happen to be in a position where I could help my parent. Things are ok but we have had our share of ups and downs. We just take it day to day and try not to look at the big picture. What ever decision you make I'm sure will be the right one.

You are not a bad daughter for feeling this way. You are human. I really have no answer, but I have encouragement for you because it is TERRIBLY hard to do this. We all have our strengths and weaknesses so possibly your mom had exactly the right combination of something to care for everyone for so long. Possibly she hared it too. Its NOT easy knowing this could go on forever and a day.... I am in same situation with my husband’s dad living with us because I am working from home to care for him at 94 with no end in sight. He has beginnig dementia and is an Alpha male. His relatives lived to be 100. I used to be patient and empathetic but am not so much anymore because it is tiring and wearing. Cut yourself slack and just do what you can do, then take breaks when YOU need one, for everyone’s sake. I realize i need to find moments or an hour in every day to do something pleasurable for myself, to recharge myself so I can keep going. I hope you find that something that takes you out if the situation for even an hour a day to pamper yourself and your mind. Saying Prayers for you!!!

Earth to male siblings: women today are in the work force. ALL siblings need to participate in parental care. Caregivers (mostly women) also deserve to be paid for work, just like other workers. Enuf of this traditional role of women! There was a time when it worked; that time is long gone. To be expected to leave or reduce paying work to care for children OR elderly should have nothing to do with gender - and shouldn’t be necessary. Caregiving is an honorable profession and should be paid accordingly!

wren, I thought I remembered your name. I am curious; what did your parent do to your brother 30 years ago that he wants nothing to do with them? I also read that your ils live with you 6 months of the year. When your H's brother who has them the rest of the time doesn't want to continue, will you get them fulltime? You wrote, "at some point, inlaws might also move in (ILs are with their other son right now)."?

I admit to not understanding the cultural norms that give all the burden to you, the daughter. Even in the U.S., it is still expected of the daughters to do the caregiving most of the time.

Most here weren't like I was. I felt so resentful of the way my mother treated me (and she didn't live with me) that I told my brothers I expected compensation. And I got it. ($20/hour) So I treated the caregiving I did for her as a job. (And it wasn't personal hygiene help.) And that put the necessary emotional distance between my mother and me that I needed to continue to do for her.

I know this doesn't help you, but what kind of retirement is it going to be for you at 66 if you insist your mother go to a facility but then have your in-laws move in?

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's an exhausting job caring for older relatives. I would say keep your part time teaching job to save your sanity.

If it is possible can you hire more help or at least cleaning help? Does mom wear depends?

Taking care of mom can mean making sure she is cared for but you do not have to do it all. We are all made different and some people can do it and others cannot.

I am caregiving for my mom and husband's aunt. My dad just passed and I would have done everything for him. Love the aunt but dementia is getting worse. She may have to move to memory care in the future. Hate caring for mom, we never had a good relationship. With all I had plenty of sitters thank God.

Husband has to hear you about this being just too much.

My mother has laid the same guilt trip on me many times.....i was put on this earth to take care of them/her specifically as she says she took care of her own parents/father. I don't know the truth about that as she lived away from her parents her adult life until they died. After 3 weeks of exhaustion when dad went to the hospital this month, to get mom to visit at the hospital, organize interview new home care company, keep trying to keep my own life together, and keep on top of ever changing mental and care status of sis in a nursing home. Mom has no clue she is sucking the life out of me-what retirement, what time to my self, what boundaries???? I had a few weeks of time out in early covid away from my parents. No I did not miss them and Yes I felt more like my old self. Other paid helpers abandoned ship at the same time so mom is calling me telling me they have no food etc. I had to go back to "work" unpaid for them no one else will do it-including lazy selfish sibling.
Mom has completely forgotten everything she said to me over the last weeks and is happy I am coming over to do Pills and bills. I set up mediset for dad etc. Lazy sibling has taken them to dr. the last week and says geez this is real work and finally understand why sibling (me) is exhausted. Mom is having memory issue now too telling me caregivers are misbehaving-not doing their job-drinking "her" wine, turns out this is not true. New team in place is contacting their manager to verify their responsibility/job details so they know what to do. Mom is causing the problem, mom is not remembering what is going on, she will be the one to make a mess of things. I had a good relationship with mom years ago before she got weird, yelling ad dad because he could not help her/do her bidding when he was diagnosed with Parkinsons, now he has heart issue, dementia, and all kinds of other problems. They are at home-where "they" want to be with all the complications of home care etc. Mom will never see/believe that facility care could be better, safer, social and simplified-all in one place. I grieved the two of them years ago. I will miss that time-but not the chaos and crazy that is their life now. I minimize my time with them and will only do the needed appointments as I feel I can do. I could never have either one of them in my house full time. I thought about it for my sister when i was having trouble locating a good facility-but realized i can not do the work of 5-6 people all day every day.

Did your mother's parents have dementia? Because dementia is its own particular hell. I think and hope that you already know that you are not a bad daughter, that that was then and this is now, and each situation has to be evaluated on its own merit.
First you need to understand your options, and for that, you need to do some research. What services are available to you? If your brother doesn't talk about helping per se, can he help to pay for some of the care? Can you initiate that conversation? Does your mom have funds for her care?
I honestly don't think you are trained or equipped to deal with someone with dementia, and you already know that. You at least need home based help, pandemic or not. You need to know what your options are, should her dementia continue to increase to an unmanageable level, which means you need to know about Memory Care in your area, how much it costs, what places are recommended and so forth. Go visit those places.
It's your duty as a daughter to take care of your mother, yes, but HOW you take care of her is the question here. Taking care of yourself first is your duty too, because if you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of her? Taking care of her does not mean giving up your life for the next one to fifteen years.
If possible, try to take the emotion out of the research, and look at your options with objectivity. If you need help with that, ask your husband, friends, your brother, or a senior specialist.

You are not a bad daughter. You have a different temperament and different life expectations. You don't mention mom working out of the house and that may be a cultural issue or her desire was to work at homemaking and caring for others. She probably kept so busy doing that and did not make time for other interests or hobbies.

You want to work and since it is important to you, please work. I am in the process of finding work in my 50's after caring for our children and moving about 24 times in 30 years of my husband's military career. It is harder finding a job with COVID and my age. My mom and grandmother cared for the seniors in the family and both are dirt poor. My mom has only a small retirement and a small inheritance which she will most likely burn through in the next 15 years... and we live into our late 90's in our family. She could work but is afraid of computers and feels she deserves to enjoy this time in her life. She will be dependent on us and I need to work to prepare for those days as well as to secure a retirement of my own. Did I mention that she has the tiniest bit of dementia starting?

As for school, be diligent with wearing a face mask, washing your hands, and social distancing and you will be fine. I have worked as an RN for 10 years and I have taken care of patients with diseases worse than COVID. I only had the little paper masks available to 8-12 hour shifts and never came down with their diseases.

Get help - volunteer or paid - to help with caring for your mom. Maybe involve her in some television shows, listening to music, helping with small household tasks, and doing simple hobbies now that she has nobody else to care for.

You are a good person no matter what. Your Mother's choices were her choices. They should not have anything to do with your choices. Your mom is going to take more and more specialized care has her dementia progresses. If there are funds available, you should start looking into memory care for her. But just remember, she made her choices in life just like you have to make yours.

You are not a bad daughter. In fact, you align with the majority. The institutions and living centers, by all names and which care for patients through all stages, comprise a thriving, lucrative industry, because many people just can’t and/or don’t want to tackle this problem.

if these initial difficulties are making you feel this way, caretaking at home will never work for long.

Give your mom an advantage by settling her in a situation that is the best for her, and to her liking, while she still has the faculties to choose.

Moving her in later would be more disorienting.

Once she gets settled, you may be able to best appreciate time with her because you will be outside the primary caretaking burden.

This is a familiar tone! Agreeing with some of the responses I've seen....please keep in mind.... As we age, things change. Our hair greys, our body wrinkles up, hard for us to get around, can't drive and we cannot continue to be expected to live on our own like we have the past 50± years. No one particularly likes the aging process and what it brings with it. Just keep in mind while you are going thru the motions of your decision, that staring in your face and soiling herself, more than likely isn't what she wanted for herself either. With that in mind, if she was the "helper' before, maybe you can have her help you as well. Even if it's 'pretend' help. Folding clothes and matching socks was always in my back pocket for my mom to help me (It got to a point where I had the same bag of socks that I would pull out for her to help with....just so I didn't have to re-do it all again). You are not a bad person by any means. But something to keep in mind while you are feeling the emotions and living them.... she is also aware something different is going on. When you're frustrated, take a step back.....out of your world for a moment, and step into the world of Alzheimer's \ Dementia. Keep in mind this is her disease, not yours. Trust me....no matter what decision you make, it's so much harder living without her. Seems like you have a loving relationship. Continue to Guide. Protect. Be her eyes & ears. Speak with her not for her. And you mentioned you have children, so I know you have patience. May not be moms type of patience....but it's patience. Use this as an opportunity to teach your children. They can help without even knowing. Reading to her (that was a HUGE hit with my mom). She was so animated when we'd read, it became comical & fun...instead of a 'chore'..... So I don't have advice on your decision per say, but you're not a bad person. Just keep your head on your shoulders while making that decision. Best of luck. It's not easy. Matter of fact, it ranks right up there with the most difficult decision you'll ever make.