My Mom has not eaten any real or nutritional meals for 5 months.
The past 5 months she may have a little yogurt or ice cream or cream of wheat. But the last 2 months she has really only had hot chocolate or some ice tea.
Now she is getting pressure sores on her feet. They are being treated, but we know she will only continue to get more since she has not been getting any protein or proper nutrition.
Over the past month or so, one day she seems she is on her death bed, the next she is doing okay. Hospice nurse says she is holding on for some reason. She suggests we all meet next week along with the Hospice nurses and Chaplin and tell Mom it's okay to let go.
Has anyone done this? Do you think it is a good idea? She has declined so much physically. Any advice from those of you who have had the same situation will be appreciated.
I think meeting with the chaplain is a good idea. I did that when my brother was being treated by hospice.
Can you also speak to a social worker? The social worker was very helpful to my brother and our family.
The hospice nurses had the same discussion with me before my brother died. She also said a person should feel like everyone is at peace with them leaving this world.
Some people want their loved one to stick around past their time. So if you feel like you should ‘give her permission’ to go, then do that. I did with my brother.
Before that, every time I left that evening I would say that I would come back the next day.
The nurse said that I had to stop telling him that I was coming back to see him. So, I told my brother that it was okay to go and that I knew he was ready to leave. I was at peace and I believe he was too.
Many, many hugs in this tough transitional time.
If it was me, I would tell her that I love her and she did a great job raising me and although I will miss her I will be ok. Plus, their is ______(name) is waiting for you.
Sometimes people need a little push to go.
I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this difficult time. I have a feeling your mom will go once you and your family tell her that you guys will be find and you guys will see her again.
Hugs!!
Is there anyone that she could be waiting to say goodbye too? If not then it is a good idea to tell her that it is okay for her to go if she is ready.
My best friends dad lingered in a similar situation and when her mom told him that she would be okay and he could go when he was ready, he squeezed her hand and passed away. We all believe that he needed to hear she would be okay with him dying.
May The Lord give your family strength and grieving mercies during this time. Hugs, it is so hard losing a loved one.
You know your Mom the best. Is she waiting for someone to come visit her? Is she waiting for someone to graduate from high school or college? Is she waiting for someone to have their baby?
I think that the meeting with the Hospice nurses and Chaplain is a good idea. It will allow you to say "Good Bye" to your Mom, to thank her for all that she has done for you over the years (even if those years were not so great or fun or were stressful), and to let her know that you will miss her and will remember her. Think of this as giving your Mom one last "Greeting Card" that says "I LOVE YOU".
{{{HUGS}}} and Prayers 🙏
My niece lives in Georgia. My brother waited until she arrived. He was at death’s door too. He perked up when she walked through the door. She may have been a grown woman with kids of her own but he still saw her as daddy’s little girl.
I got the kindest note from someone on my end of life thread. Tell her you will be ok.
Tell her you will be ok and it's ok to,let go.
Peace to you in this transition and to her too.
Another Aunt was injured in a fall down the stairs and held on for a week until one of her sons away on vacation in Maine could be located and return to Philadelphia. Shortly after his arrival and visit with her he exited the room to see the other siblings she passed quietly. She waited until all her children were together.
That is not to say, though, that there aren't useful, meaningful and comforting things that you and your family and your mother's Chaplain might take these last opportunities to say.
Certainly I would hope the Chaplain would be able to speak gently to your mother about preparing for the end of her life.
I told my own mother that we all loved her, and that we knew she loved us. I said this more on impulse than with any particular intention, but I won't forget the look of contentment and relief it seemed to give her. I'm sure you'll have your own idea of what the very most important message you want to give your mother is; and perhaps that will be the one that lets her let go.
Right now I wouldn't think of saying something to my mom like that because I think she would feel like I was telling her I was tired of her or something. If my mom was in an unresponsive state, almost comatose, like my dad was and she was suffering, then it would break my heart to say it, but I would let her know I would be okay. I don't think I could say it is okay for her to go, but I would say I will be okay and I have always loved you and you are the best mom ever. I believe they should be actively in the dying transition, not doing poorly and then rallying. How long someone "hangs on" is really up to them. They have such little choice and free will of their own remaining, we need to allow them what we can.
Unfortunately there are too many well-meaning people (who do not understand the "process of dying" ) who are giving this type of advise to family members whenever an elderly family member becomes ill.
Having held the hand of many a person who was actively dying, I learned when it was appropriate and when it was not appropriate to say this.
I think that the meeting with the Hospice Nurses and the Chaplain will provide you and your family with the answer that you need as what to tell your Mom. {{{HUGS}}}
I told my husband and aunt they could let go only when they were in the dying process, but I liked that comfort my dad got from the statement "when it is time, I'll help you over."
BIG HUGS Caregiverhelp11. Sending loving energy to help YOU through this process.
Yes its been years but my Dad was holding on until my husband held him and said he'd always take care of me. I did this in Dec 2017 when my husband was dying and was able to thank him. Blessings to you and your family.
A friend had a mom in this situation. My friend spoke to her mom telling her it was ok if she felt she needed to leave this earth. She told her that she (my friend) had been well cared for and would be good going forward. Mom had done a good job.
Her mom passed away that night.
Total peace.
It's tough to experience what you are experiencing. It's heart breaking. Yet, assure her everything and everyone is ok and she can go if she wants and you'll see her later.
Blessings
Bless all of you. It is a privilege to attend the death of another. I'll be holding you all "In the Light".
Thank you
Two years later when my Mom was near the end and also holding on, I did the same, adding that her beautiful granddaughter was all grown up and had been accepted at four top colleges. I promised to take care of my brother as well. She grunted (she had stopped speaking weeks before) and passed away a week later.
Both of my parents died on the same date two years apart...my dad on New Year's Eve 2014 and my mom on New Year's Eve 2016. I often wonder if my mom knew somehow and held on for that specific date.
If someone you love is suffering and holding on for whatever reason, yes it's alright to reassure them and tell them it's ok to let go. If I'm holding on for some reason when my time comes I hope my family does the same for me.
I told him I would miss him but it was not fair for me to want him to stay with me. Odd thing...maybe not so odd his daughter and family had been estranged for a while but when I got word to her that her dad was not doing well she came to visit and was there every day. It was then that I was able to write his obituary and he died that same week. I do believe he was waiting for his daughter.
I read a pamphlet Crossing the Creek (you can download it and it is well worth reading) and one of the things that was mentioned is that much of the sleeping that is done is a way to process "unresolved" things. And I think the estrangement was an "unresolved" item on the list.
Saying goodbye and telling her you will be alright, thank her for all she has taught you is important for her but important for you as well. She needs to know you will be all right but you need to tell yourself you will be all right. She has done her "job" and raised a strong independent individual. She can rest easy. And so can you knowing that you have done all you could.