She knows who I am but does not realize I visit her at least 5 days a week. She barely easy and drinks but she just will not " give up". She can no longer walk (2 yrs now) is on morphine for severe osteoarthritis pain, halidol for hallucinations and outbursts and sleeps most of the time. I am torn between talking to her about why she might be hanging on and coming right out and asking her what her intentions are about eating, etc. the nursing home staff encourages her to eat even when she says she is not hungry. She has a health directive that says no feeding tubes, etc. Any advice on this sensitive matter? It is so difficult to watch her just waste away slowly and just exist.
I would just let Mom be, don't ask her any questions, if she doesn't want to eat it's her body telling her not to eat. Just let nature take its course, as difficult as it is to watch.
I hope your mom's case is different
May God bless
Elias
We do not know the exact time when our respective trails of life will end, but we do know that we are a lot closer to the end than the beginning..
You may want to consider praying aloud in her presence along the lines of "Dear God, mom is struggling so much....We know she will be coming home to you some of these days and we thank you that you have a place all prepared for her and that she will not have any more pain or confusion. Thank you for our wonderful life together....She is such a wonderful mother. Amen"..
Hearing such as that may somehow get through to her...Also soft music can often make one less agitated....Perhaps you know of some of her favorite songs over the years..
Kind Regards,
Bob
The only real experience I have regarding this issue is with my great aunt. She was 85 years old, but did not have dementia. She did have cancer and was very tired. She left the hospital and was sent to rehab. While at work I had this sudden and overwhelming urge to go visit her and take her this lovely little flower plant that I had bought her. (She loved flowers.) It hit me suddenly. I got out of my chair and drove their immediately. It was located in an adjacent county.
She seemed fine, but was tired. She told me that she was worried about her daughter. She is an only child and 9 nine years older than me and in her 50's at the time. She asked if I would look out for her. I promised her I would. (Her daughter lived mostly at home and was a little difficult.) I hugged her and told her I loved her and left. I spoke with her doctor in the hallway and he said she seemed to be doing better. She died later that day! I'm so glad I acted on my instinct to go see her. I think that by releasing that concern about her daughter it cleared her up to move on in her passing.
Since then I have looked out for her daughter. She is now in a Memory Care unit and has recently moved into the last stage of dementia. Life is so unpredictable.
We all left after that because she was very tired, and wanted to sleep. Later that same day I went back to see her. She was sleepy and tired of living, and having a very hard time breathing from lung disease. I pulled my chair up to the bed and held her wrinkled old hand and something (God) told me to say the Twenty-Third Psalm. When I got to the part "yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." her eyes popped open, I said it's ok mom and I finished saying it, and left shortly after. Mom died about 1:00AM that next morning, only a few hours after everybody got done saying good-bye. .
I truly believe that all of that was letting her know that it was alright to die. I still miss my mom. There are times I wish I could talk to her. She was the best friend I had.
Yes, ask. You may get an unexpected rational response but don't be too disappointed if you don't. One never knows.
My two sisters and I spent every moment with Mom at the end but because she was sedated we seemed to talk between us but did not spend much time talking to her. I regret that now, we should have been talking to her or including her in our conversations....like Mom do you remember when....happened?
The last day we were there my older sister was going crazy and left for a while and called us asking us to come downstairs and go to dinner with her. My younger sister and I spoke to Mom and I told her I loved her and that her Mom and Dad and sister and brother were waiting for her and it was okay to go, whenever she wanted. I finished by saying, "Don't be afraid Mom, its okay." We left for dinner.
When we returned we were suiting up because Mom had MRSA and I had forgot and was stroking her hair saying little things to her. I watched her take her last breath and not breath again. It was like she waited for us to return and then she left.
I would talk to your Mom, maybe reliving things you did in the past. If you feel it is okay you could tell her that whenever she wants to go, it is okay, you will be fine, you love her and always have, etc. I do not know your Mom's condition nor how long she may have but you will have to "feel your way around" this topic. Whatever you do, keep talking to her and do not let her go with anything left unfinished between you.
Do not talk about her condition with her doctors in her room and do not make phone calls to others talking about her condition or how you feel. You have no idea what she is hearing and understanding. We always made sure to step out of the room for these conversations as they told us that the hearing was the last to go.
Good Luck and God Bless You
Felicia