Any ideas of what I can do if he continues to refuse someone in the house to help? I can't live there and can't fit them in my home. I work part time, have a teenage son and husband. Try to go there as much as I can but he leaves her alone which isn't safe, and when home usually just leaves her in front of the TV all day which is not good for her brain. I don't know what to do, he is so stubborn and after 70 years together insists he doesn't need help taking care of his wife.
But. There is still a lot he must learn about Alzheimer's Disease if he is to remain in charge as his wife's primary caregiver, as well as her devoted husband.
How does he get on with their family doctor? You need someone he trusts, who has some authority with him, to get the message through to him that your mother's safety needs extra care now. He doesn't have to be a prisoner in his own home, but he does have to make sure that if he isn't there to keep her safe then somebody else is.
Baby steps, one at a time. As long as your mother is happy to watch t.v., leave "stimulating activities and socialisation" for later, once your father has accepted that a person with dementia does need extra support (as does an elderly gentleman who is handling all this responsibility so bravely).
- "gift" them services whenever possible. A few Christmases ago I sent my 2 very senior aunties several weeks worth of high-quality, home delivered frozen meals that are easily microwaveable. I had tried to talk them into this service but they poo-pooed it. Once they got it as a gift and tried it, now they order it themselves from the catalog. Same goes for a housecleaning and lawn/yard service.
- see if there's a reputable in-home care service local to them (like Visiting Angels). Get info on prices. Again, I tried to talk my aunties into this. Same poo-poo. But then several months later they said they were ready for more help and all I had to do was place the call. Now their helper comes 6 days a week, 4 hrs a day and they adore her. Maybe start this discussion with your dad, letting him know there's no contract, and he can get someone for 1 day a week, just to give him a break. He can discontinue at any time. Once he sees how nice it is to have help, he may change his mind.
- you can do some preemptive research on adult daycare and MC options (availability, requirements, costs, transportation, etc) Maybe you don't share this with him immediately, but these places don't publish their rates and someone really does need to eyeball them in person. It takes time and effort. Then when ready for this discussion you'll be able to tell him how nice they are because you were there in person. I would take pictures of the places so he sees they're not just "stock photo" people from a marketing brochure. Or even take brief videos if the facility allows you.
Wishing you success!