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Mom lives alone, is 90, doesn't walk well so uses a walker (most of the time.)



She's fallen a few times. Has medical alert, the wristband, which worked well until about 6 months ago when she fell & passed out, so didn't press the button.



So we got the medical alert upgrade, the pendant, to NOTICE when she falls.



Well she's accidentally triggered it 4 or 5 times. She has the medical alert box in her bedroom, plus a phone w/answering machine in the bedroom and another phone in the living room.



When it goes off and they call her through the box or phone, she usually doesn't answer. Says she doesn't hear it. Doesn't want to check her voice messages, though she will respond if she hears one of my sisters hollering at her through the speaker.



My sisters and I think it's a combination of things - her hearing is getting worse, she doesn't move very fast, and she just doesn't care anymore.



Both of my sisters live within 10 minutes of her (I live a couple of hours away), but we're hoping there are better options. My husband was thinking of something like a two-way radio; but even if that's a good idea, I don't know if she could learn how to use it, or WOULD.



We hate to move her out of her home just because she won't answer the phone, but we're kind of at our wit's end. There are other signs too, that she doesn't care or doesn't remember. Will wet her bed, then just hang the wet pad and wet nightgown up to try - doesn't care that they're dirty. She used to eat cereal in the morning, and now she doesn't. We think it's too much work for her to go back & forth to get the milk, get the cereal, get the bowl, etc using her walker.



Anyway - any suggestions?



Thank you SOOO much.

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Your mother is clearly presenting, from your description, with an change in care needs for safety reasons. You or sisters nearby or whoever has POA status should speak with her PCP, get him/ her to provide a " level of care needs assessment", assign a Geriatric Case Mgr , or Licensed SW to her and, you can all go from there based on what PCP assessment shows and,what options are recommended and available in her area. The PCP can assess also her cognitive appropriateness to make safe decisions. The Geriatric CM or SW should be helpful to guide you all through the decisions of if and how to keep her in her home or placement in facility with care assistance that meets her needs. In home care will need to be 24/7 if not already now needed; it actually sounds like it's already needed for safety reasons. Finances will obviously play a part in decisions for her care and the SW can help you all assess these. No easy answer, and obviously difficult for everyone. However, since you know these conditions in her home and health , you and family must address the changing needs .
Other professionals that may help you all include Elder Law Attorney who can help navigate the many considerations, needs, requirements of caring for aging family.
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What you describe are exactly what I noticed with my mom. You need to investigate memory care for her. Look for other signs that all is not right, too. And alert her doctor.
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Perhaps it’s time to talk with family about placing her in a board n care or assisted living..

casually mention it. Tour places close to you
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drat55: Your mother may require managed care facility living. That is of concern with her simply hanging up to dry urine soaked clothing and bed linens. Ergo, when are the items laundered? As well, apparently she is not eating well.
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Technology only works if the person is willing and able to use it. She may not be able and/or willing. So, it appears she needs somebody with her most (most likely ALL) of her day, Options are live with family, home health, residential care, and adult day care (usually Monday through Friday during business hours). Check her insurance and resources available in her (and your) area.
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A “baby monitor “ could be useful to augment the medical alert button.
Have you asked her if she’s aware of these things? We also have found that scheduled check ins can be shared with family members and the list of questions and time always the same. Protocols for what to do depending on response from mom could be shared as well.
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Device like Alexa, Show Me display: She doesn't have to initiate on her end. Works like Facetime, but she won't have to do anything on her end. You set it up, you call & your face appears. You talk and all she has to do is look at the little screen and talk back.

I also used three Zmodo cameras: living room, kitchen and dining room. Their window and door sensors are an excellent investment in addition. Inexpensive and relatively easy to setup bluetooth.

Best wishes. Every bit of effort you invest will have a positive effect. Never a 100% solution, but any effort and planning now will buy you a little time and eventually you will look back and know that you tried your best and that care was invaluable.
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My assessment:
1) She should not be living alone now. Period.
2) Sisters, living 10 m away take turns to stay overnight,
along with
3) getting overnight care providers.

This is a/nother accident waiting to happen.

Gena / Touch Matters
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MACinCT Nov 26, 2023
I agree. De Nile is no longer just a river
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What about RING cameras in her place that is what we had to do for my BIL it lets us watch and talk over the camera to him. Because he had the habit of not hanging up the phone.

Prayers
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This very situation is often the 'end deal'. IOf our aging parents can't/won't respond to the in home safety measures we set up for them, they are going to lose the privilege of living independently.

Mom had a fall pendant for years. She was about 80% compliant in using it, but uf it smacked against her walker (frequently) it would go off. Luckily her hearing was fine and she could communicate with the dispatcher.

The day she died, no one was home. She got up, and fell back down on the bed. That alarm went off and notified YB who was at church. He ran back home and found her. Better than one of the 'kids' wandering in and finding her, gone.

My MIL has thrown away every single alert pendant, watch, button, whatever. She sets them off by smacking them on the wall or counter top, is almost 100% deaf and cannot hear the 'squawk box'--so more than once, my Dh and his YS have shown up same time as the EMT's. They're preparing to break a window to get in b/c she doesn't come to the door--and when one of the kids unlocks the door, she is inevitably shocked to see all these people there.

Embarassed, she threw away THAT pendant and everything they've given her since. Her pride will truly go before the fall.

End of story? You CANNOT make someone wear their fall pendant. Period.

I'm sorry to say, but that, and the fact she is undisturbed by the wet clothing--she's probably ready for in home help or a move to a NH.
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For my mother in law, we have a camera and Echo Show for her. This past trip this summer to see her, we advertised on Craigslist.gig and found her a wonderful caregiver/housekeeper/light meal prep.. It was 10 dollars for the ad for 30 days and in 4 days we had someone hired and all references checked. She has been with my MIL now for 4 months and doing well. She is able to live in but at this time my MIL is determined to keep her caregiver/housekeeper/light meal prep M-F 8-4 p.m. It works well for her and a light meal is prepared for her dinner. My MIL is a critical woman and hard on her staff. We are grateful for this woman whose faith that God put her in this home is God’s best plan for her and for my MIL. Our prayers were answered as well.
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mom had a iphone. I got the Mint Mobile plane 15 bucks a month. I also got a stand up charger and zip tied the phone to it. iPhone has a feature where you can set it to auto answer and also only people in her contact list will autoanswer. Now when i call mom, the phone will ring and announce it is me, when i see it has answered I just start talking “HI MOM, this is….” We also got her an Echo Show from Amazon so I can drop in and see her and she can see me. We put cameras around (blink) and I was pleased to see her normal routine is quite pleasant, she washes dishes, drinks water, takes naps, straightens up and watches the tv that I leave on all the time. One time she was on the floor and I was getting a lot of notifications. When I looked and saw what happened, she dropped something and when she went down to pick it up, she could not get back up! That was a relief because she really didn’t remember how she got on the floor, she just knew she could not get up. I was able to see what happened, drop in and talk to her to see if she was okay and then scoot over to help her. She thinks the cameras are speakers for the phone and Echo Show. I have them in a place that gives her privacy but allows me peace of mind. When you call and the auto answer activates, you will have to disconnect when the call is over. Mom has no ability to disconnect or answer the phone.
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Christine44 Nov 26, 2023
You write: "she dropped something and when she went down to pick it up, she could not get back up!" I'll risk saying the obvious but here goes: you know what "grabbers" are, right? Of course, they take some getting used to, and if it's anything large-sized they won't work. And then you have to find the best model you can. But I now have two of them placed strategically in various places. Even if one doesn't fall picking something up, they can save a lot of wear and tear on the back/bending over, etc.
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There are cameras that you can put in place so that you can see what she is doing and how she is.
You can view on your phone. I am sure that your siblings can be linked in as well.
I have recently found out that if you have "Alexa" you can "drop in" on someone that also has Alexa. This might be a way for you to communicate, she does not have to answer the phone just talk.
You say you do not want to move her out of the house "just because she won't answer the phone" but it is much more than that.
She is falling,
She does not hear well
She does not always use a walker.
She may not be eating properly
Her hygiene is not as it should be
What other ADL's might she be having trouble with.
This is more than ...she won't answer the phone.
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If you are absolutely determined to let mom age in the home (read die there, perhaps), then I can only think perhaps a very well set up camera monitoring system. However, who is going to spend their life monitoring the monitor system?
In a home of any size the danger of falls, fires, scalding in hot water, a 100 other things increase. At 90, and to my mind, it is time to consider care options. Sadly.

Only your family can make the decisions on this, and it is for us to wish you great good luck. I hope you will update us what you decide after considering all options.
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I’d bet money she has dementia . Anyone who wets the bed , hangs up the urine wet articles and puts them back on is not functioning normally . My mother started doing that in Assisted living and they had to take her laundry basket out of her room as well because she would hang up the dirty clothes .
Not eating cereal or meals , another red flag . My mother lived on cookies at home before putting her in AL . She couldn’t even manage to make a sandwich anymore let alone reheat meals that I made for her . She was throwing out my meals , I found them when I emptied the trash . Your Mom either needs 24/7 home care or to be placed in a facility . She should not be living alone . I hope someone has POA.
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Update: last week my sister took Mom to a Breakfast Club at a senior day center. Mom didn't wanna go, she had a hard time trudging into the meeting room with her walker, had to stop a few times to rest.

Afterwards, said she was worn out but would be willing to go back.

TODAY - Mom had no problem going in, had enough energy to to not even slow down with her walker.

Enjoyed visiting. Was excited to have turkey for lunch. Decided to stay for bingo (didn't mind at all if my sister left her there for a couple of hours) and won a prize.

One of the ladies there commented that mom was probably the oldest person there that day, but also the sharpest!

She was animated and talking in the car on the way home too.

I'm so glad she had a good day; at least for now we'll take her there more often.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 21, 2023
Wonderful! I tried to get my mom to participate at our senior center. She refused to attend.

There are many activities in senior centers that provide seniors with socialization.
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"Just because she won't/can't answer the phone"?

Do you think not washing urine soaked sheets and nighties is okay?

Is she washing her hands?

Could she get out in a fire? Or would she "not care"?

It's not that she doesn't care. It's that her brain has stopped processing the steps she needs to do, in what order to accomplish tasks.

She needs either full time in home care supervision or to be in a facility. Finances usually dictate that choice.

Good luck!
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We had a medic alert for my mom, who lived in the upstairs apartment of my home. So literally 30 seconds away.

When she fell - and it was almost always at night - she could push the pendant, the Life Alert people would contact her through that "squawk box" and she could tell them she needed me. They would call my cell phone, and off I would go upstairs to see what she needed.

For quite some time, it worked very well. Until it didn't.

Towards the end, when she went into hospice, she set off the alert without even realizing it a number of times. And when the LA people would try to call to her through the box, she didn't hear them. And there was nothing wrong with my mom's hearing. She was just off in her own little world, not paying attention to things around her. I suspect by that time, she was having TIA's on a fairly regular basis, which further complicated things.

One of the last times she fell right before she passed, she completely forgot about the life alert, and even if she had remembered it, it was underneath her and she had no way of being able to reach it. Fortunately, this fall happened in the daytime, and I heard her calling for help. She was flat on her back in the middle of her living room, with no recollection of how or why she fell.

My point here is that a Life Alert system, while having its positive benefits, is not the end-all, be-all to "safe senior living" that the commercials would lead you to believe. Towards the end, as my mom was falling more and more and becoming less and less engaged with the world around her, hospice told us to seriously consider finding a nighttime aide to stay with her, and I had started that process when mom began to transition. Once that happened, there was no sense in continuing, because we stayed with her 24/7 until she passed 4 days later.

I'm glad you are going to see her at Thanksgiving and discuss this with your siblings and with mom. You can feel free to share my mom's story with her or them, if you think it will help make the argument that mom now needs a higher level of care than only having a simple medical alert system can provide.

Good luck!
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I appreciate the answers, and will share them with my sisters (we're heading to Mom's for Thanksgiving - we DO feel it will be the last one in this house). The stark replies that we need to move her ASAP are, perhaps, the kick in the pants that we need.

She does eat, though she seems to be eating less meat (deli meat) than she used to. She grazes all day, eating fruit, popcorn, cheese sticks & Boost, mostly. She doesn't cook. (BTW she also has tremors in her hands, which makes it hard for her to do things - like she used to crochet, but can't anymore.)

My sister took her to a Breakfast Club for seniors last week, which she liked, and she's going again today - will see how that goes.

We do have conversations with her, and most of the time she seems fine - but definitely not as she was, and it's getting worse.

We have done some research on assisting living facilities nearby, and visited one, but sounds as if we need to step it up. No idea if there would be a waiting list to get into one we like.

Again, thank you.
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The raising alarm part is a big warning flag - what others are there?

Is Mom eating & drinking ok?
Taking any medications properly?
Staying hygienic?

I suppose think about the type of risks, the frequency of risky behaviour & the consequences when things go wrong - from the mild to severe.

Balance that with the want (hers & family) to stay where she is, at home.

Know that some families will choose home even with all risks, other families cannot abide any risks & would step in for the take over.

Family Meeting time. What's right for YOUR family?
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My mother couldn’t hear what they were saying to her on her medical alert device, so I ended up speaking with them. Honestly, calling 911 is faster.

Your mother sounds too far gone to know how to reach out for help. It’s dangerous for her to remain at home alone. She needs to be cared for in a facility.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Cognitive issues for sure.
She needs to be in full-time care.

About a device, you could get her a smartwatch. My Apple Watch has a feature that registers a hard fall. It then makes sure I’m okay. It can notify 911 if I’m not. However, your mom probably wouldn’t be able to understand or use it. She might not realize that she must faithfully charge it and then put it on correctly. And it isn’t infallible. There are times when it hasn’t responded to a hard fall at all.

Good luck with getting mom the help she needs.
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Your 90 y/o mother is no longer safe to live alone and she's giving you all the signs! She is not eating, hanging up urine soaked garments and pads to dry, has hearing issues, cannot answer the phone, has mobility issues and uses a walker...what good is a two-way radio for a compromised elder who needs 24/7 care???? She's falling and passing out even, but you "hate to move her out of her home just because she won't answer the phone." OP, your poor mother has a host of issues WAY more serious going on than not being able to answer the phone!

She needs care 24/7, whether that comes from her children or she's moved into Assisted Living or Memory Care Assisted Living depending on her level of cognitive impairment. Please address this matter before a life threatening crisis occurs and it's too late to save her life.
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She needs memory care now. She is no longer safe. Part of her lack of hearing may now be an inability to process words.
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