Been married (2nd time) for almost 3 years. Been together for 8 years. His Mom lived with him since 2016 when he needed help and she couldn't afford to make her payments. 4 kids between us, 2 married with kids of their own, 1 in the military and 1 under our roof temporarily to relocate. He extended the "move in" offer to my Mom in January. We have a large (very large) house ... BUT... his Mom uses our only guest bath as "hers", my Mom comandeered the half bath as "hers", our middle son and my Mom share the downstairs shower. BOTH Moms use the common areas upstairs. I am losing my mind living with these two old women! Beyond launching me into early menopause (due to their lack of hormones) they do everything LOUD! Eat, walk, sleep, talk, drink, cough, fart, laundry, you name it, they do it LOUD!! And my MIL is the biggest "butt-in-ski" I have ever met. She butts into every conversation and everything related to the house. She thinks she needs to know what is going on with everything and everyone. She thinks she is "cute and funny" when she is really just conniving and manipulative. There is ZERO privacy when she is around. ZERO! Now add my mother. She wants all the same things my MIL has (including MY parking spot because it is up front by the garage door.) And she respects NO house rules. If she wants to move or displace or change something she just does it. My past with my mother is rocky at best. She was very Pro-Woman and very Gloria Steinham so my happy marriage where I am the Beta and he is the boss just grinds her gears. I hate all of this. I'm surrounded by old women and it makes me want to scream. One who wants to challenge every single thing I say and one who thinks she is her son's emotional support wife! I have tried talking to my husband and he simply says "it won't change so why fight it". I am not trying to fight it. I am just trying to breathe. Just trying to survive. - Anyone got any tips for this side of it?
You handled the meeting like a true CEO of your company!! And if "the mothers" don't want to be fired, they'd better follow your lead!
...btw, your mother's deflection about your manicure was very funny!
Side note: 1 hot flash in 48 hrs and that 1 was AT WORK!!! Read that again...
It was great to read how well it went over. Now, the consistency from you and hubby to prove that what was said, was meant and these are the rules ladies.
Again, WELL DONE BETA! From another BETA and happy to be so.
I suppose the coming weeks will tell if they heard or received anything I had to say. Again, appreciate all the ideas and tips and thoughts! As for the naysayers, I am not Sandra Bullock and this is not the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Never did like that BS. Additionally, one of the most freeing and valid statements I ever heard and I intend to fully digest and practice is "My grown adult children owe me nothing" - Fact right there. They do not. I will live homeless in a tent on the street before I would do this to any of them.
Appreciate Y'all and look forward to peace on the mountain!
I certainly hope that all of you will be able to live in harmony from here on out. Fingers crossed 🤞for you.
I am with you. I don’t want to be a burden on my daughters.
Conversation is tonight - Unless one of them manages to escape, it will all be laid out on the table and managed - I have pinpointed a few items that are what I feel (ME, not you) are hard boundaries.
1. It shouldn't have to take him to say it for it to be a thing. We are a team, he and I, so if it comes out of my mouth, he and I have ALREADY discussed it and it IS a thing. There is only 1 queen bee and it is me.
2. We will tell you exactly what WE think you need to know about our life. Butt out and stop with the nosey questions. If you didn't live here, that would be the case. Mind your business. Period. THAT is what WE consider privacy.
3. We are GOING to re purpose the craft/junk/crap room into a seating area that you both can use and the FR/LR is OURS. Leave our stuff alone.
4. You will BOTH make dinner or provide dinner 1x a week every week. No excuses. And when there is food on the table, SERVE it! Do not wait for us to come serve it.
5. There are a few rules about the house that will be absolute and non-negotiable... they all fall under number 5.
Thanks for the support and I'll let you know!!!
Good luck tonite!!
Your options are: you could finds lots of activities to do outside of your home so that you are rarely there. Or you could have a stern/serious conversation with your husband and give him a "it's them or me" ultimatum. Or you could just put up with it and live every day with resentment and anger.
biggest advice is set boundaries and try to enforce them if Mom & MIL are cognitively capable. Good luck
If your husband has total disragard for your comfort and mental health in this scenario, maybe you need to re-assess why you are in this relationship.
If the mothers cannot be moved out, maybe you need to.
I wish you luck, the good news is you are a Women and will find a solution. We are strong and never give up. You deserve happiness.
Phyllis
on the couch and watched TV. When they were ready to start squabbing about dinner I told them to make what they wanted, then took my husband out to a nice dinner. I washed my clothes, and left theirs for them to get done. After a couple of times, I laid out the rules we live by. If they were going to live in my house, use my hot water, my electricity, my washer they would have to respect MY HOUSE ,and MY RULES. If they didn't want to, I showed them on map where the nearest Motel 6 was. After that, there was no question who the Queen was!
sent me into menopause early 40’s twenty years ago.
Amazing and serious what high levels of daily stress will do to our precious health. God bless you.
Get earphones for their TV programs
There are day centers the ladies would like for activities and friends. Look them up.
Give each one a project like gardening or recycling.
Charge rent for your parking space.
Go to the gym everyday and forget about them.
Learn how to play Bridge. You might be 4 players on a cold winter's eve
Consider yourself lucky if you have privacy in your bedroom.
Make some goals with your man like a five year plan for home improvement and work on a scrapbook.
Help to keep that good provider man healthy.
Put a name tag on your favorite chair.
Have a wall space for a calendar of appointments and important info.
Do Church work on Saturday.
Remember you will outlive them. And someday you may need what you are giving now.
I made the mistake of moving in with my mother and later buying a house large enough for the both of us to live together. I had no idea, after living away for many years, that she is bipolar on top of all the other physical and mental challenges of an old person. She was doing okay on medication, but she stopped taking it and is back to her old ways of cursing and insulting me.
If I could do it all over again, I would not have had her guilt me into living with her. If you live with them, you have to set hard rules from the very start. There are no tips or cure to their behavior. These are old people set in their ways who think they can do anything they want because they are your parents, and you will just have to put up with it.
You and your husband need to devise a plan to move them out or sell the house if you have to and downsize to a place for just the both of you. I have no idea how your marriage will survive two mothers living under the same roof. One is enough for me! I will never do this again for anyone else's parents after my mother dies.
You need to TAKE control.
State RULES ("house rules") and keep to them.
You are giving all your power away. Why?
If you do not take control of your home, they will. They are.
You can scream - get out your frustration through therapy and exercise.
Do not scream at them. It adds fuel to the already burning fire.
No one is 'conniving and manipulative WITHOUT your agreement.
You are allowing this behavior. Once you realize it is up to you - in your own home - to create your own house rules and stick to them - they will either abide by them or pay the consequences.
You then need to figure out the consequences.
Tell them to leave?
Find alternative housing for them?
Talk to your spouse to get him on the same page as you (yes) - ? or is he already?
Nothing changes until YOU do.
And then if you do not change, the question is why not?
What are you afraid of?
What are your underlying issues / needs / old patterns of behavior 'running you.'
You need to give them the 'tough love' I am giving you.
The bottom line is that you do not want this situation to continue as it is.
If you need to lock (bathroom) doors - your bathroom, do it.
If they are cognitively unable to 'understand' or abide by your direction/rules
- get them to a medical provider to be tested for cognitive functioning
- see if medication is needed
- get caregivers in there to 'help' them abide by / (enforce your rules).
If you do not give them boundaries, they believe (and are) at free will to do as they please - as they are. You're 'kicking and screaming' here won't do any good beyond getting some anger out expressing the powerlessness you feel - in your own home. You need a united voice with your husband and get into therapy, even short term.
Gena / Touch Matters
You need counseling. ESPECIALLY if your husband will not stand up and be the leader he needs to be - for both older women. He needs to protect you - not brush off your concerns.
It is not their house. Yes, it has become their home but they need to step down from their command position.
I get the LOUD thing. My parents in my home are the same. Put a earbud in one ear and listen to something fun or gentle or an audiobook on YouTube. Mandate they wear hearing aids. If they hear themselves, sometimes it turns down the volume.
You didn't say if you were still working. Volunteer/work outside the home. Sounds like they can still drive so they don't need attention - find your "quiet time" away from the house.
And give everyone a break. It sounds like everyone is adjusting to the new normal. We watched Golden Girls and thought how awesomely they got along - but that is either not real life or they have learned to adjust. It must be pretty hard on the old gals having nothing of their own - they are fighting for their place here and it is not easy to give way. They don't know where they fit, either.
How are the finances? Are All contributing to the finances? Both moms? Your son? Money really helps a LOT to ease the strain. If they are paying for it, you can relax and say that they "bought" what they are using. If not, it may be time to have that money talk. They can contribute - even if it is just enough for your attitude to ease. And don't think your son is not adding to this - he may not be an older woman- but he is a warm body!! That has to add some stress to the situation.
Lastly, be good to yourself. Find your quiet place in your home. Even if it is a closet. God can meet you there and give you the love and patience you need at this time. Or just a nap.
OR - get a cheap trailer and stick them in it together.
To restore some sanity and preserve your mental health ( which of course affects ones physical health) some sort of formal intervention with the support of a professional needs to happen. Why not start with speaking with the PCP for each " too loud" aging women and, share the in home situation and request that a geriatric case mgr who is usually a licensed social worker be assigned to help you and the family look at realistic options to continue living under one roof. Aging relatives can become very beligerant, angry, selfish, controlling, demanding and, if their cognitive abilities are such that they can comprehend a conversation and retain the information, then they should be a part of the meetings. Be sure that each of the mothers has a current level of care needs assessment from their PCP , as this may reveal any forms of dementia that may be contributing to behaviors.
Insist that rules and boundaries be set and respected . Having a professional on board with you to assist with this establishment of rules regs and boundaries and maintaining them will help you greatly.
Also get 1:1 emotional, spiritual support for yourself to facilitate your own self care needs.
Since your home is basically operating as a senior aging in place facility for the two mothers, getting in home support help with them started now will be vital to everyone surviving including your marriage and your health. Be sure also that you have POA documents and all other legal paperwork in place for each of them for decision making
purposes for them if and when they are deemed incompetent.
You would most likely benefit greatly from conferring with an Elder Law Attorney for your own information and guidance regarding the situation you are in.