My mom came to live with me about two years ago because she was being evicted from townhome she owned. We had repeated conversations about what things she could bring and I even paid for her to come and see the house and her room prior to her moving.
After she arrived, she told me “not sure how I’m gonna pay for my stuff off of the moving truck.” Trying to be a good daughter, I called the credit card company and increased the limit to pay for her things (to a tune of around $10,000 [price includes car]). Truck arrived and enough boxes to fill my two-car garage. 😔
We’ve been talking about reducing all of her items for the two years now. Long story short, she finally gave up some items to donate on Sunday. Went to doctor appt yesterday and with the dementia, she told the doctor “she had no meds to take because she had a helper taking her meds.” Of course I was like (huh?!?!), and told the doctor “no, she’s taking all her meds."
On the way home I asked her about the comment and she told me “yes, I saw you taking all of my Tylenol and putting it in YOUR bottle, so now I have none! Well, not true. A huge argument ensued most of the way home. Get home, I’m leaving for work and started loading her donation items into my car. One of the box bottoms tore and items spilled all over outside. She opened my car door and yelling outside she started taking items out. I asked her to please take her hands off of my car. Long story short. She removed her items from my car forcefully and took them back in the house and I left for work. Mad, emotional, you name it. I asked my son and BF if they could go to the house after work. Around 4:30pm, my BF gets to my home to find out my mom is at the neighbors and the police have been called/on their way to my house. Police said “just so you’re aware, she’s claiming elder abuse. That we do not want her here and she feels unsafe.” WHAT?!?! You’ve GOT to be kidding me. She’s the one that has put her hands on both myself and my BF within the past two weeks. Police found nothing aray and left me a case #. Of course all the neighbors on the block saw the COPS episode as it unfolded live. Police suggested I call APS and report. Not sure I should/this is a good thing where I’m concerned? She is well taken care of, attends her doctors appts, fed (even my BF also cooks for us if not me). Yes, APS could go well, but just don’t want them coming in judging my every move/comment/action. Police now have been driving past the house every couple of hours. I’m humiliated. My house is quiet. I go to work/come back. No parties etc. single child and even though we haven’t had a good relationship, trying to do what is best because there is some love in my heart to care for her. I don’t want her to go to a home, and in addition, I now have $10,000 of debt to pay. Regretting I paid for her things now, but when you’re trying to be helpful, who knew. She’s refused the Psychiatric meds, says she needs no more counseling, what do I do? I’m humiliated, broken, and shocked. Oh yes, and trying to maintain my job to pay the bills so we’re both not homeless. My own mom called the cops on her child. Cannot get passed this one.
Did the police not realize that she is suffering from dementia when they listened to her story of 'elder abuse'??? I think it's very important you make YOUR case that mother is delusional and reporting falsehoods, and that it's all documented properly!
Then I'd look into immediate placement for your mother. Things will only get worse as her dementia continues to progress. You can apply for Medicaid for her if she can't afford to self-pay. Cut your losses NOW, before the $10K turns into $20 and 30K. She can take some of the hoard with her when she moves, and then you can donate or trash the rest of the stuff in your garage.
Sometimes, as much as we'd like to, we cannot care for demented parents inside of our homes. It becomes way too much to deal with, as you're seeing, and the dangers just keep mounting up on a daily basis. What if she starts to wander at night? Or cook on the stove and starts a fire? Or or or..........there are literally hundreds of scenarios that can happen where she may cause herself or both of you harm. Consider the fact that you're no longer qualified to care for someone with her level of dementia, and place her in a community where they ARE.
Best of luck. Sending you a big hug and a prayer that all of this works out for you. It's a LOT to process.
As already very well stated, your mom has dementia and you can not argue with her nor get her to understand the most basic of logic. You can not expect her to remember prior conversations, etc. It's a very hard adjustment, but you need to quickly swallow this bitter pill. Sorry to be so blunt.
If your mom will not agree to some meds to calm her down, etc. then I think you basically have no choice but to look for an appropriate facility to place her in. For your safety and sanity.
Best of luck.
They won't come search your house and put surveillance on you.
They will assess your mom and they could be the catalyst that gets her placed.
Right now you have to be proactive and not reactive.
Believe me when I say a parent with dementia can drive you to upsets you never thought you would experience. Then you add the fact that she lives with you and you can not win.
It is time to get a needs assessment done and get a diagnosis from her doctor(s), these are the steps to get her placed in care or qualified for in home services.
This is kinda the beginning and you are already dealing with law enforcement, I understand wanting to keep her out of a facility, but you have to look at reality and listen to the professionals on this. She is going to need more care and her paranoia and accusations will increase as she is lost further into dementia.
Best of luck, this is a tough disease for all involved.
Your Moms world is now all in her mind. Hard to do, but just go along with it. You r going to have to make some decisions. If she can afford it, u may want to place her in an AL. Better now when she can adjust better than later when its really hard.
I could kick myself in retrospect but what do you do in that moment when it’s you’re parent. 😞
I have thought about placing her but since I work in healthcare, I know it’s not the best place (but that ALL places are not bad either).
The comments are so comforting, educational, and make sense. Please keep them coming! Much appreciated!
anyway good luck... It is difficult... Tell her where the door is... she can close it if she wants too.... (HARSH)
All she knows is she is losing control...AND THAT IS A HARD THING TO LOSE.
Her destiny is not in her hands anymore,... she knows it.. and is scared