My MIL is 65 and just a few months ago, told us she had been diagnosed with Parkinson's after her physical health has been declining.
She failed to tell us that she was actually diagnosed 6 years ago, and told nobody but her husband and told him not to tell their 2 sons. We were none the wiser all along, as she was in denial and wouldn't accept the diagnosis. She actually went to see several doctors over the last few years, saying there was a problem with her thyroid. They all found nothing - it turned out, of course, it was all down to the Parkinson's. It wasn't until a couple of months aho, when we had to force her to go to the emergency room, that they did further tests and observations and confirmed it.
Since then, she has rapidly declined. She has mental health issues, has stopped properly eating, and can't manage much movement. She complains of stiffness and pain.
Her eldest son lives overseas with me. Her youngest, just 28, has become her carer along with my FIL. But my MIL is a very difficult, awkward and demanding person outside of this condition and she is now worse than ever. My husband is currently there giving his brother a break but the family are at breaking point, with all 3 of them now on anti depressants.
The problem is, my MIL won't let them get in any additional help or introduce helpful aids. When they try to implement things that would make their lives easier, such a pill boxes to keep on top of medication, speaking to someone about physio and enquiring about home help, she refuses. Her son has basically no life - he works all day, travelling around the region, comes home and she gives him no break at all. My husband has been there since Sunday and he hasn't even had chance to open his suitcase. Whatever they do isn't good enough and I fear she's killing them all slowly along with herself.
I believe she needs neuro physio, as she spends most of her time in bed. She is depressed too and any weakness she feels, she goes to bed. Her muscles are getting no movement, she is living on half bowls of soup. She cut everything out of her diet, saying she was allergic to everything, without consulting a doctor. She now will only eat liquid foods. She is on laxatives everyday to help her bowel movements.
She has lost so much weight. She retired only 1 year ago and its like shes a different person completely. She refuses any care as she is worried they will tell people in their town about her condition.
I don't know what to do. I've suggested tough love, make the case to her that she is making her family ill too, and tell her what we intend to do for her. But she will cry to get out of any conversation and change the subject. She is so difficult to deal with on the best of days so now shes impossible.
She has now asked us to fly over again in a couple of weeks to care for her. But I don't think its fair to not let us get some additional support in as we can't do it all ourselves.
How do you deal with a difficult patient? She is slowly wasting away and we're so lost. We've gone from knowing nothing to having to completely transform our lives in a matter of weeks, yet she has known about this for years and not told us.
The doctors have recently changed her meds, and they will take weeks to settle in. FIL is reluctant to do more until they kick in but I feel the time is now otherwise waiting lists and processes get delayed.
A frail, possibly demented, possibly mentally ill elder doesn't get to drive the bus into a ditch, ruining the lives of others.
"No mom. We are going to hire help."
As long as that goes on nothing will change.
Everyone needs to sit down together and tell her that while SHE may not need help she is quite literally KILLING EVERYONE ELSE.
You are all enabling her. You need to attend some counseling together to get straight how things will go or it is entirely possible that your MIL will outlive every single one of you.
I am sorry to be so blunt, but I heard Dr Laura on this same subject just yesterday, and if you think I am blunt you should have heard her. At some point you are accepting your MIL's choices as your own as though you all have no free will. She is 65 and she has a long way to go, and sadly it is a long way that is not going to be pleasant for herself or for anyone else. As long as you continue as you are you must accept it somewhere as your own choice.
I call this throwing the family on the funeral pyre, and it was once done quite literally. I have seen at least three correspondents here today doing exactly this. Please get help from a licensed social worker in private counseling practice.
Diana, your FIL needs to hire help before your MIL causes his death.
The adult sons need to get back to their jobs and lives.
And if she cries oh well, tears aren't going to work anymore.
What she is doing and expecting of her family is cruel and so very selfish and needs to stop now. Both sons need to quit enabling her and her bad behavior.
Perhaps you may want your husband and his brother to read the responses on here as it just be may what's needed for change to happen.
"But we can't let down older brother! He needs our help." Same with other brother and father. "It wouldn't be fair to them to leave them holding the bag." Truth: by enabling each of them, you're enabling her to go on with this charade, dominance, whining, lying, waiting, etc.
If you could all get on the same page and tell MIL that she needs more help than nonprofessionals (like family) can provide, and if you'd stop enabling them and her and maybe even the family dog, you could perhaps get her to a nice place where she can be cared for by professionals.
Enlist her doctor's help. Surely doctor would agree that she needs more help and understand why family isn't the answer.
Good luck.
Hire help and step away, this is not her decision, it is yours. Also, at her age, this could do on for decades, and only get worse. Set the boundaries now and hire/rind help.
A geriatric psych evaluation may be helpful , IF the woman was willing .
My mother went off the deep end as well , finally had EMS take her to the ER and Had her evaluated at the hospital. Ended up being told to put her in a facilty and that she could not live with or be cared by family due to her psychiatric problems worsened by having no filter anymore because of dementia . The doctor said that my mother will never do as I ask her and will drive me to my grave and needs to be taken care of by NON family . There was no other way or I would have lost my mind or died from her constant demands and complaints . My mother would not eat , bathe , dress get out of bed etc . Once in a facilty and she didn’t have her daughter to boss around. She got up dressed, ate etc . She gave me a hard time , guilt trips etc . I visited but also got to leave .
Keep this in mind if having help come into the house is not working out and she is still refusing eating , getting out of bed etc. or behavior is still demanding , driving family crazy . Some of it may be deliberate for attention . In a facility she can’t pull this stuff on her family 24/7.
This has to change. A facility or paid in-home carers. If the change is in-home care, and she continues to reject a sensible diet, the silver lining is that she may kill herself quickly, without killing other people. Quite honestly, with nothing much left to live for, a quick death doing exactly what you want, is not such a bad way out.
You say MIL "won't let them" get additional help,
That you fear she is slowly killing them, apparently without care,
And that you don't feel it is fair that she asks you to come again to care for her without any additional support, and you don't feel you can do it all yourselves.
The way you feel is very clear, and you should not feel bad about expressing it.
How do her sons feel about it? How about her husband?
There is nothing wrong with the husband and sons taking care of her if that is their choice.
It is not up to her to make unreasonable demands. If her family is not able to adequately provide the care she needs, or if it is too much of a burden, then it is time to check out the Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing facilities available to her.
If spending these last month or years with his mother is something your husband chooses to do, then you should fully support him. Let him know your own boundaries where caregiving is concerned, and be as supportive and patient as possible, as he decides what his level of involvement should be.
If you've read many of the statements from caregivers on this forum, you might know that caring for a loved one as their physical and/or mental health declines is challenging at best, and should never undertaken out of guilt!
It should only be done as a labor of love, and with appropriate support.
It is extremely difficult and can lead to burnout, as well as resentment and anger if the caregiver feels coerced into the role. Families can and do choose not to even attempt caregiving on their own. There are living facilities which are equipped to handle the job with experienced and knowledgeable staff, along with access to Doctors and nearby hospital.
yes, boundaries must be set, but that is easier said than done. I was/am in a similar situation, except that it's my widowed mom and my only sibling insists he cannot get involved.
The best choice I ever made was to see a therapist! She helped me understand why the tug was so strong and how to set boundaries both with my mom and sibling, It is still a struggle, but I (and my spouse) are now happier and mom is less able to manipulate me or monopolize my thoughts.
please set those boundaries and see a therapist. Insurance often covers this. Best of luck. You are a good person and will be a happier person again once you've learned strategies to set boundaries and observe them.