She blames everything on my husband (& never my SIL). Thankfully, my SIL (who lives in Georgia we are in NJ) TRIES to set her straight. All decisions were made as a family… Not by my husband independently.
My MIL is on an antidepressant ... has some short term memory loss… But no dementia ...any advice on how to handle these rages? She called me yesterday & bit my head off & sent me to tears....thank you.
I'm sorry you and the family and your MIL are going through this rough time. "Teething troubles," I hope, but all the same painful enough while they last.
Just a bit of background - so your mother moved in to her ALF only 2-3 months ago. Is the ALF in Georgia or New Jersey?
I'm glad that the family was able to work together on this, and I'm sure you did make the right decision not to attempt to care for her at home if it wasn't something you were confident and happy about taking on. Good for you for not rushing into it, and for not doing it in spite of your reservations! Many people fall into that pit.
So, anyway, here we are and MIL is not a happy bunny. First thing to say is - it is early days. She'll need time.
Second: what is she getting so upset about? It doesn't have to make sense, but what are her main grievances?
Third: you say she has some short term memory loss but no dementia. Your profile also mentions cancer, is that correct? What would you say are her main health issues?
Sorry for all the questions, but the better we understand the better our chances of suggesting anything useful.
Give the situation some time, your MIL's moods may even out. There's not much you can do to facilitate the adjustment process, she just has to go through it. But you can try to help her feel as if she has more control over her life. Give her choices whenever you can, "Mom, do you want to come to dinner on Saturday or Sunday?" Or, "Should I pick you up at 9:30 a.m. or would you like a little more time to get ready?" Look for opportunities that give your MIL choices and if she decides she doesn't want to do something, allow her that for now. Help her regain some control back over her life.
If the facility can't test her, then get her to a doctor. UTIs are serious in the elderly. If Its a UTI, problem solved. If not, Mom needs a good physical. Labs especially.
She he has suffered a lot of change and loss. Hear her out, agree with her, ask her follow-up questions to show her you are listening.
When she insults or screams, try to remain calm. Yelling (even yelling back) at the elderly is akin to yelling at a child.
So I called her HH nurse and requested a UTI check. Sure enough. She has an infection.
Get your MIL checked ASAP. Of course no one wants her to have a UTI but it’s a relief to have a reason for the acting out that you feel like you can actually do something about.
I know it’s not easy but try not to take anything personal.
thank you 4 ur kind informative answer
always.
I Know everyone is different but this one is especially difficult for me because I’m of the “ you can’t take it with you” group....I’m constantly purging my house ....but my husband’s family is all about “stuff.” So probably to be expected that she gets very upset about it.
Yes, she has an extremely slow growing lung cancer ....she is in nebulizer treatments but declined other treatments ( chemo, radiation, etc) We all were onboard w/ her decisions & support them completely.
She also has active DVT ( clots) behind both knees ....she has filters in both legs but is no longer on any anti-coagulant drugs.
I’m a retired nurse ( 40 years!) I keep
close eye on her health issues.
thank you 4 ur answer
If she doesn't have any dementia than setting boundaries with her is completely acceptable and I don't understand why people don't do it. What allows her to have the authority to climb your frame and tear you apart and you just take it. You wouldn't let a bratty child do it, why would you allow a bratty senior to do it?
Enough, please don't talk to me that way! Then you hang up if it continues.
Of course she is scared and confused and in a new environment with lung cancer but not all of her cherished stuff. She is probably angry and you should help her deal with her emotions instead of barfing them all over you. Get her a therapist or a friendly visitor that can help her adjust to her new reality.
My wife is about to come home after about 20 months in either a hospital or a SNF with rehab. Every time she went to the hospital (about 12 times, with admissions form 2 weeks to 6 weeks), her biggest concern was and is always "her stuff". Did the facility pack it up yet? Have you checked on it ? The little bit of "stuff" she has room for is her whole world, and she has become very possessive with her things. Little things that you would not think matter are very important to her.
She is 59, I'm 65. She has some memory problems, but not serious. I spend at least 2 hours a day with her, and up to 6 hours. I have missed maybe 15 days away from her during this whole time.
Also, national news has been reporting a link between anti-depressant pharma meds and extreme swings in behavior, rage, and dementia.
I had a terrible time with bad temper and behavior from my Father. Although he is in care facility it was terrible and upsetting. The doctor for the care home said he did not have dementia although agreed odd behavior. He took a stroke in January and was admitted to hospital. They did a brain scan. Found he had brain damage from 2 previous strokes. Areas affected caused the odd behavior. Once I knew this have found it easier to accept situation.
I just either agree. Say you are possibly right or I am not sure. This answers most and I feel much calmer. On his really bad days I suddenly remember an appointment or have to meet someone and leave. Takes a lot of practise but gets easier. Good luck
I went through all this with my dad. I had to be the mean, bad, daughter, who put him in the independent living center, and my brother was the good guy, who finally was able to talk him into it! Three years later, he is now in a nursing home, and delusional most of the time. Let it go.
Double whammy is right, it is the lack of control most of the time. My Mom is still in her home with my Dad. They have 24/7 care. I do everything for them: grocery shopping, clothes shopping, paying their providers and their bills, doctor appts, meds.
At first it was difficult for her. She was in a rage everyday for months then she was better. Yep, that rage was directed at me. I'm evil and she lets everyone know it.
Something would trigger the fact that she was not in control and then here we go again.
It rattles my nerves sometimes, more than others times but That's the way it is. OUR NORMAL HAS BECAME DYSFUNCTIONAL. THAT'S OUR "NEW NORMAL".
It's a road we didn't ever expect but it's a road I know I don't walk alone. Many like me are on it with me and that makes me keep going.
BE STRONG MY FRIEND.
My boss at work is so understanding, but I could retire in 3 years and now I don't even see the end until they are gone.
when this first started( the pretty constant screaming and rage) I took her into a geriatric specialist to be evaluated for dementia. My otherwise calm, quiet stepfather had accused my sil of stealing just before he noticeably began Alzheimer’s behavior. At the time she was diagnosed with memory loss but not dementia. That was a little over 3 years ago and has moderate vascular dementia with behavioral changes now.
Often it is helpful, as we go along our day, driving where we wish, eating what we want, sleeping or not - depending on OUR own choices, to see how much freedom our parents (and others) have lost. Dementia does often change not only personality but perspective on life as well. As with children, they may strike out at those closest to them - those they, on the deepest levels, trust to love them no matter what. The best reaction is often the hardest thing to do: DON’T take it personally, or try to explain or reason it out. You will only end up frustrated & make your elder more upset.
That said - violent rage can pose a danger to the elder & others. A doctor can prescribe something to help & it goes without saying that a violent person should be in a unit where caregivers are trained to deal with the behavior.
I never told Beth or her husband about going through all their things and clearing out their condo in order to sell it. I just did it. I saved all the family stuff--old photos, letters, etc.-- to send to family members. Furniture was given to native American community members or Bridging. Their bicycles and tools went to the kids next door.
Their apartment in the memory care facility was set up to look just like their bedroom and den in their condo, with the same furniture, pictures, etc. arranged the same way so it looked like home. Fortunately, it worked and they never asked about leaving.
Neither Beth or her husband could care for themselves and were not coming back. The sale proceeds went right to their checking account to help pay for their care.
Good luck with your efforts. Since my friends had no children or close relatives, my job was easier in not having to deal with them and their issues.
But it still took me 2 1/2 years to get everything taken care of and the place sold. I gave myself a big window of time, since I had my own life to lead, too, and didn't want a lot of extra pressure in taking on their care. And I didn't have to deal with rage or anger, thankfully.