My mother-in-law had a stroke last month and my husband is discovering all the things that have been slipping, eg. missed meds, finance, etc. He is picking up the slack, and now my MIL is frequently saying "I'm not a child". The irony of wanting to say "it's for your own good" to a parent is not lost on me. I'd appreciate anyone sharing how they reply would be appreciated.
Besides getting caught up with financial issues and managing medications, what else do you both do for her?
Depending on how debilitated the stroke left your MIL, there should be some effort to getting her back "up to speed", as much as possible. Does she participate in any OT or PT?
What are her current capabilities? You don't need to post them here, just make a list. Generally strokes affect more physical ability than thinking (not always, just generally. even though mom had dementia already, the stroke she had affected her right/dominant side, some difficulty swallowing, but it didn't really set her mind back further.)
Once the finances are stabilized, hubby should work with her, include her in the tasks. If she can't write well or sign her name, he can at least go over everything with her, get her acknowledgement and acceptance, and he can pay the bills.
If she has trouble with medications, using a timed/locked dispenser can help. It would open the slot for the current medication due and she could take it herself if placed where she can access it and have a drink to wash it down with.
Anything else she wants to do, let her try. The more she tries, the more she might be able to do. Obviously if she gets frustrated, you can gently ask her if she'd like a little assistance. That way it is HER decision, not a pseudo-mom telling her what to do! Skills may improve over time, if she is given the chance to try. After mom's stroke, they brought in PT to try to help her regain some ability to feed herself and help with pivoting when being moved from wheelchair to bed, toilet or vice versa.
As with children, the desire to do things is there. Sometimes the results aren't very good, but we can always finish/clean up after, when they aren't looking! At least give her the choice and/or opportunity to try.
But I just inform her that now the roles are changed. I allow her as much independence as she can handle but take a firm but gracious stand on everything else. She is not accustomed to other men or women telling her what to do. She is used to doing whatever she wants but cannot do that anymore. It helps her grow up mentally.
And perhaps stop there.
Some of the needed changes may need to be done without MIL knowing.
Saying its for your own good IS or feels disrespectful as this IS what a parent would (or used to) say to a child.
* It is important to validate a person, wherever they are in their head while also doing what you know needs to be done.
* Do not argue - this is such an easy 'trap' to fall in.
* You do want to keep the emotions as calm and even as possible.
- However, when a person has brain changes, it takes sensitivity in how to handle these situations.
(1) Agreeing;
(2) don't give explanations;
(3) change the subject;
(4) do what is necessary for their safety.
(*) Dealing with finances seems critically important to me. Is there an attorney involved? a POA? Change amount MIL can gain access to (checking, savings?) to a very low amount.
(5) EXPECT she will be angry and emotionally reactive. Be ready for it by role playing or figuring out how to respond IN ADVANCE. Don't be caught off guard (as much as possible). Agreeing initially seems to help ease the volume, brings down the anger level. Gena
Safety and doing what's necessary in a calm manner should be the goals.
Many people, especially men, I think, want to jump in and fix problems. They don't necessarily see the need to discuss this with the person receiving the assistance. Fixing the problem, in their mind, is sufficient. For the person on the receiving end, however, it is a crushing reminder of how much they've lost.
To answer your question, I would reply "I'm sorry. I don't think of you as a child. I love you, and I see you struggling with (finances, meds, etc.), so naturally I want to help. Tell me how I can help you." In other words, talk to her! Open communication is key.
Be patient. Hopefully this is temporary.
I'd rather have a husband who fusses over me a bit too much than one who would more or less abandon me in my need...
Remember: this too shall pass.
When I think back on the "chapters" of dealing with my mom after her dementia set in, each one of them required sheer brilliant calculus to find "the right thing to say," but then that whole situation morphed into something else. Cascades of solutions...
The distraction method mentioned below is a good one.
At the same time, I would urge anyone to keep this sort of stuff in perspective. It is really only of momentary significance. It will morph.
The important thing is that you all get through the day healthy, safe and reasonably content.
Glad you were able to find the right combination of words to get agreement, for now... Perhaps it was giving him the "choice" vs telling him this is how it will be?
Mom's plans, pre-dementia, included moving to AL when she felt the time was right. Dementia puts the kibosh on that! I couldn't even mention the "D" word around her, because her notion of what it meant was wrong (crazy.) She also countered any discussion of memory with "I'm old, I'm entitled to forget things now and then." Sure, but not when you are forgetting what you're forgetting!
When I tried, several times over a period of time, to mention AL, nope. Would NEVER live in one of those! Mentioned Meals on Wheels, PAUGH, I wouldn't eat that! I tried a different approach, asking what would happen if she fell and couldn't get to the phone to call for help. Her first response was "I don't go downstairs." I told her I never mentioned the stairs, but while on that topic, yes you do, I've seen you do this on the cameras we have set up. No response to that. Her final word was "I'll get help." Sure you will. Fall, can't get up, can't get to phone, HOW, but it was a pointless discussion, so I dropped it there. I tried bringing in aides, only 1hr/day, to get her used to it, to have someone checking on her daily and checking to see she took her meds from a timed/locked dispenser (despite audio and visual alarms, she would miss it!) Hope was to allow her to stay in her own place longer, up the time and care as needed, but less than 2 months later, she refused to let them in!
She also complained about it all being "too much" to do, but when I asked/offered to take over her bills, nope, keeps me busy, something to do. At some point I just had to do it - she was making mistakes, so I took the checks, took the POA to the credit union, changed address to my PO Box (2 of us were on the account, making the takeover easier), temporarily forwarded her mail to get billers and addresses, so I could add them to the bill payer system and change the billing address to my address. I did miss one bill - insurance, as it was only billed once/year and it wasn't that time! She got it and tried to have checks sent (this was over 6 months later.) I found out when a new book of checks arrived! She called them again and they told her I had them. She never said a word to me about it! I took the bill the next time there, updated everything and paid it.
There were times she also had appointments and when I called on my way to pick her up, she would say she cancelled it! I would call the doc office, nope. Thankfully she decided to do these things, but didn't follow through! I found it on her calendar - to call and cancel.
She hired a cleaning service, maybe every 2 weeks, but that didn't last. SHE could do a better job (not really), so she cancelled that!
All too often, full intention, no ability (or memory) to follow through!
" No, you aren't a child mama , but you are a little older and you do need help. I know it feels strange because you have looked after yourself very well for so long but there's no shame in needing help.
You are not a bother or a burden so we don't mind helping you at all because we love you and we want you to be at your best because we love you . "
Aso , do let her know that over exertion on her part might lead to yet another stroke so she needs to rest for sure . That might stick in her mind , who knows .
Good luck
L
Adults reasoning is different. It is matured. A reasonable adult understands we all have limitations and that allowing their family to help in areas where they need it like in keeping the checkbook balanced, paying bills, reminding about medications, household chores, cooking, etc... is not because the family members want to take over and treat them like children. It's done out of love and because they care. If your MIL is still lucid enough to realize she's slipping a bit and is having a hard time dealing with it, but she understands.
Children and teenagers don't understand this yet. That is why adults are in charge of their lives.
Try explaining it to your MIL this way and she might get it. You can even add a bit of a joke too. Years ago I had a very ornery and impossible homecare client who was up in his 80's. He used to refuse help and go on about not being a child himself. So I told him 'then stop acting like one or you're gonna be grounded'.
He looked like he wanted to slap me, then he started laughing about it and I never had problems with him refusing care and help again.
Does your husband have durable power of attorney both medical and financial? If not, then this is a conversation you must have with your MIL. Do not beat around the bush with her. Be direct: "Mother, you are right that we cannot take over your affairs without your permission or understanding your wishes. We've given it a lot of thought and you need an attorney to help you sort through these important decisions. Do you have an attorney you would like to consult?" Then be quiet and see what she says.
Having this conversation demonstrates that you respect her as an adult and are willing to help. It also gives her the power to decide who she wants making decisions for her. An attorney will help her get her important paperwork done i.e. living will, will, DPOA. If she refuses then step away.
When it became clear my in-laws needed help managing their affairs, I insisted that my husband get their authority to help. Fail to plan or plan to fail. She's an adult so treat her like one. Adults plan and her needs will only increase. *She* must be prepared for things to change whether that's bringing in help at home, renovations to the bathroom (raised toilet, grab bars), etc. *She* must understand what is within her financial means and what isn't. And whoever has financial POA can help.
A dear friend of mine who does not have DPOA either medical or financial has been living a 5-year nightmare with her parents who chose a distant cousin to be DPOA. Yet whenever her parents need something, they call her. She's exhausted and I keep telling her to stop driving the 8 hours to get to them because she's not their POA. She won't listen. She keeps expecting things to change. She's given herself an ulcer.
? Whatever the current issue is, she needs to feel support and help finding a way forward. It’s not on you to fix everything, you’ll go nuts trying, but make her a part of finding answers
Now that you have found the things that slipped her management abilities, see if you can find a way to put her back in charge of some of her own things by providing oversight. By keeping an eye on what she's doing, it won't get out of hand again. By involving her in letting her do certain things will make her feel a little more independent again.
They're not mean, or rude, they simply don't listen to us, as in general conversations and they treat us like slightly addled toddlers.
As DH is still working a VERY difficult job and I run all the things home and family related as he has to travel--and have done so for 45 years--this slow change to being treated like slow children is hurtful and baffling.
I can babysit the grandskids, take them places in my car, keep them safe and even take them on outings, etc., but when decisions need to be made, the kids kind of get together and say "what do we do with mom and dad?" Like we're sitting in a rocker drooling or something. (That will come, I suppose, but we're far from it NOW)
It's that they feel we are no longer relevant. We've lived long enough to have seen and experienced some horrible things in life--my kids really haven't. We worry about the future world for our grands---they have SO MUCH!
This really bugs my DH a LOT more than it does me. As a small woman, I have been routinely discounted and ignored my whole life, but for DH, it's very hard and very demeaning.
I feel for our mothers, who are both 90+ years old and truly needy and 'checked out' but we still TRY to give them some respect. If they are acting out or being difficult, we still treat them respectfully, as much as possible. Of course we have trials with them and they do get under our skin a lot--but we are always fully aware that they are our mothers, and as bad as it is to get them to care for themselves, we don't yell or push them.
I can babysit the grandkids, take them places in my car, keep them safe and even take them on outings, etc., but when decisions need to be made, the kids kind of get together and say "what do we do with mom and dad?" Like we're sitting in a rocker drooling or something. (That will come, I suppose, but we're far from it NOW)
If your MIL is driven to say "I am not a child" then your husband - you too? - is addressing her in a way that makes her feel offended. It is no good saying it's for her own good, you're only trying to help, her safety is more important, etc. All of those things may be true, I'm sure they're true, but they're not the point.
We all do it. I still do it myself, in spite of my conscious efforts not to. When you are anxious about a person and tightly focused on a particular task, your attention to their dignity and their feelings slips. I was guiding a lady onto a chair once and suddenly "heard myself" talking to her as if she was a bit dense and not familiar with her own feet. I bit my lip and said ruefully "I'm sorry, G___, I know you're not six."
I should think you and your husband have been tearing your hair out and the rest of it is standing on end. Many of us have had that nightmare of finding enough packets of meds to fill a warehouse, often half-full, labelled COMPLETE THE COURSE and dated a couple of years back. It is a depressing exercise to discover how many tasks have gradually been becoming difficult and been overlooked or neglected or abandoned altogether.
But do not, do not compile a list of criticisms and accusations and nag her about it. Don't. It doesn't ease your stress and it won't help.
If between you you are able and willing to correct errors and oversights, get routines organised, and support her to get back to managing life on an even keel, that's great; it may be that it won't be possible for her to return to full independence, but wait and see. Use the next 1-3 months to let things settle, let her continue rehab, and assess what support is going to be needed going forward.
When clearing out stuff in mom's condo after she moved to MC, I found a large plastic bag and a smaller one in a kitchen drawer chock full of pills! Every color in the rainbow! Different sizes and shapes!
I have no idea what any of them were for or who they were for. I certainly have no clue why she would "save" them, esp not in containers or dated or labeled! Later, when tackling a bathroom that was also the laundry room, I was horrified to find fentanyl patches that were for dad. This was probably 2017 and dad passed in 2008!! I ripped the label off and gave it to my daughter to dispose of at the PD (she's dispatch), but also worried if she was stopped for any reason, they may ask why she has them, where she got them from, etc!!!
I'm hoping to find a way to donate the last meds ordered. I was going to cancel her extra insurance for this year, as it is expensive (about 260/m) and she was on hospice, so I ordered a last round of yeast powder and BP meds, to cover a few months at very very low cost. Only certain places can donate meds. Someone suggested a vet office - they won't even take back meds THEY prescribe!
Given the hard times for so many, it is such a waste not to put these to good use. If anyone has a suggestion, let me know! These are good for quite a while. I may try the hospice chaplin - see if he knows any other clergy who goes to other countries, where this would be welcomed.
If at the end of all this, you cannot "talk it out" a bit, then perhaps there is no real good answer. That's so often the case in life. You do the best you can, and on your go.
I think I'd say to her in response to "I'm not a child", of course not mom, I'm just here to help you sort out some loose ends now that you're recuperating from a serious illness. Just till you get back on your feet. Something along those lines. While she's not a child, her mind is likely going down that road to where she IS becoming childlike and realizes it. Nobody wants to face that eventuality!
Wishing you the best of luck with a tough situation.