Hello, I really thank God for this forum, because it can be hard to honestly relay my feelings to my friends and family without feeling I’ll be judged. My 90 yr old father was with me for four years and when he started to continually fall. I told the case worker at the hospital (during his last fall at home) that it was unsafe for him to be home since I’m a single (at the time, 47 yr old retired veteran) with disabilities of my own w/ no one living with us. Yes, because dad had no substantial pension or property, he was given a care provider but only for about 23 hours a week. Nevertheless, my dad ended up going to a nursing home located 6 minutes from home and I’ve diligently visited him 2-4 times a week, bringing him his favorite foods and whatever was needed. He blamed me then for putting him in the nursing home and now at the end of his life, he’s still guilting me. He does have a diagnosis of dementia, and I do believe it - however, my dad is pretty keen and remembers a lot of what he seems to want to remember. At this point (the since Friday), his food and drink intake is hardly nothing. He looks gaunt, and he’s basically sleeping all day. Since Saturday, when he does open his eyes he’s not too alert, but has managed to say some things, like “thank you very much” or will motion for me to give him a kiss. BUT, he has also said these things last night - “You don’t care, NO YOU DON’T”, “Why me?.” He will not drink water for me, but if a nurse comes and presents water, he will. If a CNA or nurse come in that he likes or doesn’t like, he’ll motion his feelings. If I ask him to eat or drink or speak to me, he just looks at me with either contempt or helplessness. He has been saying for months that “He’s tired” and expressed anger due to his situation (since being at the nursing home). This is the second time that he’s refused food and water, and during the first time (about a month and half ago) I decided to put him on hospice with the encouragement of the social worker at the nursing home. That first time of refusing food and water, he made sure I knew that it was my fault that he was in the situation that he was in. I told him that I wasn’t going to allow him to guilt me, that I’ve done the best that I could. Even the hospice social worker has tried to remind him that some patients that she sees don’t even have their children around to visit them. She’s pointed out that I make myself known to the staff so that they know he has an advocate and I’m there almost daily to every other day since he’s been in under hospice care.
I’m on a roller coaster of high emotions. I just don’t really believe that he’s as bad as he wants me to believe..I know that sounds crazy, but my dad has been telling me for years that he wants me to “live my life” and “not burden me” yet he has only made me feel guilt the past few years. Just need to vent and know if anyone else has gone through this? At this point, I just want him to pass in peace and not anger or fear.
He sees you as the strong savior, his only hope, the only light in his dark world.
When we have elders and loved ones who have failing minds we ALL go through this.
This is manipulation to try to get you to do what they want you to do.
And that isn't possible.
You need to switch out your words. You use the word GUILT and it has no place here.
Did you CAUSE your father's aging?
Did you CAUSE your own injuries and inabilities?
Did you refuse to FIX something that isn't fixable?
Did you do all of this with evil purpose?
Because all of the above is required for you to qualify under guilt. You didn't cause and can't fix this. Your Dad is old and he is dying and he has lost his home and his mind and he is in pain. Even in the fog of all that he loves you more than anything.
Change that G-work for another. What you are going through is GRIEF, and there's no way to avoid that. But Grief is normal here and now and in these circumstances. Grief over loss and over standing witness to suffering.
When you Dad's able to pass from this life I hope you will feel only relief that his torment is over, and that your torment in standing witness to the losses of one you love is over as well.
No one here is a victim other than to the vagaries of life, the certainty of life's losses. This comes to all and our feels due to our limitations are always heartbreaking and complex.
But I hope not to hear such a loving person as yourself use the word "guilt" again.
My heart out to you and your beloved Dad. I am so sorry.
This sounds like my dad. For many, many years after my mom died, I was his caregiver until he started falling and etc. I finally got him into a facility. He has said mean things to me since I was a child. I know that now he has the beginnings of dementia but he has also always been this way as long as I can remember. He often tries to make me feel guilty and worry about him by constantly saying he needs to go the hospital and etc. He has also turned some of his friends against me, portraying me as the bad guy. He is doing well at the facility but tries to make it seem like he is not. The nurses and etc are in contact with me often so I would know if things were not good. His own family has now admitted to me that he will lie.
You have done all you can for your dad just like I have. But I know it is hurtful to you. What is most hurtful to me is that my dad would lie on me. Therapy has helped me along with this wonderful forum. My dad has never told me he did want to be burden. He actually told me once that the only job I should have ( I work) is working to take care of him. So I know what you are going through, Try your best to hang in there and ENJOY yourself. Also, I do understand the roller coaster of emotions because sometimes I feel so very sorry for him due to his physical decline but then I get angry because of the way he has treated me. Blessings to you!
You have gone above and beyond for your father and you must now rest in the knowledge of that, and have peace about that.
I'm glad that you have hospice on board as they will make sure that he is comfortable and pain free as he leaves this world for the next.
Just make sure that you leave nothing left unsaid with your father.
God bless you.
My mother said so many awful things to me when her dementia progressed, things that cut to the bone and literally nauseated me. She seemed particularly sharp when she was cutting me like a knife, too. Almost with a gleam in her eye.
At some point we have to cut thru the B.S. and the Dementia to realize and acknowledge that we ARE good children to these parents! Know it in our hearts so we're able to let the ramblings go. Chalk them off to a demented mind and that's that. Nobody's gonna convince me that devoting myself to my parents for over 10 years was in vain! It wasn't, regardless of all the foul things mom said to me. I was a good daughter to them and sacrificed my own wellbeing many, many times to make sure of theirs,
Let logic prevail and let emotions go. Remember what dad told you when he was lucid, to focus on your own life and yo not let him be a burden. Now he's not in his right mind and can't remember that. But you can and should.
Best of luck.