My husband’s elderly aunt who raised him since he was born (his mother and father owned a business and were always working so his mother brought her sister from overseas to help look after him and his siblings) has been living with us for 5 years. My husband and I were living with his parents with our child to save for our house. His elderly aunt also lived there. When we finally saved enough, built our home and were ready to move out, my mother in law told my husband (did not ask him or me) just told him a few weeks before we moved out that he is to take his elderly aunt with us or she’s putting her in an aged care home! I love his Aunty she’s been more of a mother to him and is the most selfless person so I said of course she can live with us. Everything was fine when we all moved into our new house. I took her to her doc appointments (she doesn’t drive and has severe arthritis in her knees so needs a wheelchair when out and uses a walking aid) I also did all paperwork for her, took her out every week etc.
Fast forward 4 years and we have now a second child. And boy it is tough. When my baby was 4 months old, elderly aunt had a fall and everything changed. All of a sudden we had to install handles in our toilet room, shower, we had to remove all rugs. I had to empty her commode every morning and have long meetings with different aged care case workers etc. My husband works long hours so I’m home all day with her and my young child. I do school drop offs, pickups, tend to young baby and cook meals for his aunt. I have to still sit with her and case worker every fortnight because her English is limited and I find that she always wants me to make the decisions for her which is VERY annoying. My husbands siblings live far away and only his brother and wife help out sometimes by taking her to doc appointments but that’s about it. I’m so done. I can’t do this anymore and I feel really guilty that I don’t want to care for her anymore because she will have to go into a home and it’s all my fault because I’m the only one who doesn’t work that can look after her. It’s so hard because she’s not my mother or aunt so I feel like I can’t be really firm with her when she doesn’t want to wear her hearing aids or tell her she needs to stop relying on me to make decisions for her or tell her we need a break and if she can stay with my brother in law for a while because she always gets offended.
She literally sits ALL DAY watching tv and so I never have personal space (our house is small) so sometimes I take my young child for walks for long hours out of the house just to get some space. We finally found an aged care package which has someone come take her out once a week for 2 hours. That’s all that she can afford in her package. I’m tired, burnt out and my husband doesn’t understand. It’s come to the point where I’m feeling resentful towards his aunt and I really don’t want to be like that at all because it’s not her fault. Im 33 yrs old and drowning. Don’t know what to do. I’m ready to talk to my husband’s siblings and tell them how I feel.
Are your parents-in-law still with us?
I ask, because I'm thinking that Auntie is first and foremost their responsibility. They shipped her over here and used her free childcare services for many years. It was not unreasonable for them to feel that she could be cared for in her old age separately from them, but it was unreasonable for them just to dump the whole issue on their children and provide no further input.
I think you're absolutely right, that it is time for a whole family conference on where to go next. You love this woman, and I'm sure your husband and his siblings do too or even more so; but that does not mean it is reasonable or sustainable for the entire burden to be on the hands of a young mother with a young family to bring up.
Never fear! There will be good answers out there, it's a matter of finding the one that suits her and all of you too.
Are you and hubby paying for her living expenses?
What are her financial means?
What is her cognitive condition?
I think the first thing to do is try to get your husband onboard with your decision (yes, I would consider it a made decision at this point as your current arrangement cannot continue since she will only require more and more care). It will help this discussion with him and other in-laws if you came to the table with some solutions to present. Visit some NHs to find out cost and what they can do about the language issue (if anything). Ask if they accept Medicaid. If she has no real means she will need to apply for Medicaid, even if she doesn't go into a NH right away, in order to receive temporary services from the county. Your husband should be her durable PoA, if he isn't already. Since your house is small I don't think in-home care is an option, as yet another person will cramp it further.
Don't have a family meeting until your hubby will back you up. Do give him a realistic deadline of when you are done caring for her. Be firm and just keep saying you are not able to do it anymore, no one asked you if you wanted to and now with kids it's exhausting and will get worse (especially if you are footing the bill). Then, have a family meeting and have hubby let them know that you won't be doing in-home care for her anymore. She will be going into AL or LTC due to her degrading health. Her language issue is not your problem...she had a lifetime to learn it but didn't. Make sure you and hubby keep your cool at the meeting no matter what and don't allow anyone to shame, guilt or bully you into doing something that's detrimental to you, hubby and children.
You should of course tell the auntie at some strategic time so she's not the last to hear it, but she doesn't get to make the decision. Tell her you love her and you're working to find her the best care since it's more than you are able to provide. If others don't/won't agree with plan then you inform them it will happen with or without their participation. If auntie is resistant, the plan is still the plan but come back to this forum for further advice from the community. Blessings and wishing you peace as you move forward!
This is not to say that you need to exclusively care for her for the rest of her life. Speaking with your husband’s family is an excellent idea. Approach this meeting with an idea of putting a plan of action into place. Be honest about the fact that you need to be a mother now and less of a caregiver niece. Be firm. You are giving notice that change must happen.