How do I stop my MIL from constantly complaining about health ailments that she makes dr appointments for but never attends these appointments?
Then expects by demanding, not asking, that husband and me do for her what she claims not to be able to do, but she can conviently accomplish these tasks when she feels like it.
I clean her entire house.
I cook everynight for my husband and 13 yr old son.
Though I have made her aware multiple times that dinner is at 6:30 and leftovers are put away shortly after, so nothing spoils as WE do eat leftovers, even though she refuses to, she repeatedly texts my husband, from her bedroom always after 7 asking about dinner.
Or will just come downstairs sometime between 8:30-11 pm and complain that everything is put away.
Want to have extensive conversations while we are winding down and getting ready for bed.
She will complain that she's lonely but totally avoids being downstairs the hours we are active around the house... She comes down stairs between 8 and midnight (sometimes not even seeing her 13 yr old grandson at all) and doesn't go to bed until shortly before we wake up for the day.
We've tried talking to her about this, and she refuses, expecting us to accommodate her hours.
My husband works 9-6, my son has school and I work pt and even when I am not working, I have to keep with their schedule.....
Are you living with her? Because if you are it's a "her house her rules" kinda deal.
But you are going to HAVE to have it out with her. And you need DH to 100% support you.
You're not running a 24/7 diner, and I bet when she gets up and you hear her rattling around your stress level hits the roof.
If she were an AWARE person, you could simply explain to her the schedule you keep in your home, and insist that she join in. It's not weird or brutal--it just is what it is.
IF she can't find it in her heart to join in, then she can move to some kind of home that she can act on her own biorhythms. (Laughing, b/c NH's run on a pretty tight schedule).
Too bad that SHE refuses to listen or accomadate your schedule. She's not the boss of the house (and yet, right now, sounds like she is).
If you are OK with her bring there if she simply follows the house rules--then give her a trial period. If she can't, then help her find a ALF or NH that will accept her.
I can imagine that your son has less than nothing to say to Grandma and probably feels put out b/c she's there, obviously bringing a lot of stress.
OOps--YOU live with HER? Shoot, just move out! A 2 bedroom apt would be preferable to this living environment!! (I know, easier said than done)
Everything that you describe sounds like she feels that you need her and not her needing you.
Give her your 30 day notice and tell your husband that his wife and son are his 1st priority, not his mom. If he falls for her gaslighting then you may have to put your foot down and take your son and get a life. It won't take him long to figure out that his mom is unreasonable.
Best of luck!
Living in her house gives her the upper hand and your husband, and therefore you, will always be beholden to it. As she ages, her needs will only get more intense. In my own life it was very freeing to come to an understanding with my family that I no longer cared about them manipulating me through the threat of disinheritance. Once you kick this stool out from under controllers, things change for the better for you. Leaving her home does NOT mean your husband, or you, do not love and care for her. It DOES mean you and hubby have your priorities straight. And think about what your current arrangement is modeling for your son. You may not think he's paying attention, but as the mother of 3 boys, I can tell you with certainty that they ARE.
Deb RN