My sister, mother's Power of Attorney, decided that she is going to put our mom in a nursing home. What can we do legally, if 7 out of 13 of my mother’s children would rather take her into our home?

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My sister, mother's Power of Attorney, decided that she is going to put our mom in a nursing home. What can we do legally, if 7 out of 13 of my mother’s children would rather take her into our home?

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My mom has dementia, its been 9 years now. I quit my job when she first became diagnosed & watched her for 2 years. I had to return to work for 2 years then after that I quit my job to care for her. My cousin then came in and took care of her but then had to move. In August of last year my father had a major heart attack while he was in the hospital my sister became my fathers power of attorney. She last year also took my mom who supposedly signed her power of attorney form ,mind you my mom does not speak, feed herself or can not write for the last 3 years. My mother never authorized my sister to be her power of attorney. My brothers & sisters for the last year had made a calendar that we all took turns on, my mother has 13 children, all living. On the 4th of July, 2011 my sister had taken my parents for the weekend on her day back she was upset because my niece who was living with my parents took the day off, she sent out a txt to all of her brothers and sisters saying I'm putting mom in a home, without having a family meeting. There are 7 of us who would take her into our homes & care for she will not give up the power of attorney to either one of us. Yesterday I went to visit my mother at nursing home. She was limp i could not get the nurses to help me wake her, it was as if she had passed it took me 45 min. to get her conscious the nurses at the home said that she was fine & they could not do anything until my sister who has POA would arrived she would not answer our calls as we tried to tell her mom possibly was dead. When sister finally arrived 45 min. later mom came to. SHe then kicked me & my other family members out and said if we step a foot on the property she would have us arrested. What can we do if she has children willing to care for her in our own homes & how can we become POA, I dont want any money to take care of my mother she can have all the money which by the way my mother does not get alot. As for my father he has been afraid of disagreeing with my sister because she has threatened him that she would put him in a home so he has now agreed to putting mom in a home. What do I do please help!!

Power of Attorney (POA)

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Just FYI, the original post was 6 years ago. About 7 months ago someone else raised a very similar question.

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Do not call a social worker that is the worest thing you could do. I called instead working with me they went with the other side i just went to court trgi g to get my sister out nursing home who has dementia and i lost because of this soc ial worker the have been giving pshycotic meds 2 months later she is dying

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I hate when I read these, get upset and then see its 2011, ridiculous to keep them on here without going thru archives to get them.

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nanayaho, Is your daughter able to care for your mom 24/7? No, she is working and raising her own family. Your intentions are good, you want mom to be happy. Mom is being manipulative; when the tears start, you need to leave. Mom is having a tantrum, same as a little kid you leave with a sitter. Did you give up your night out when the kids carried on? No. So don't expect your daughter to ruin her own health trying to do what three shifts of nurses and aides have to do.

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My sister is my moms poa and my daughter wants to take her in cause my sister put my mom in a home my mom does not want to be there she wants to be with my daughter she cries everytime we visit how can we take her out of the home or how can we change poa

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Rhona1, if 3 people are listed as co-POAs, then 3 people have to agree to every decision before it can be carried out. (That is why this arrangement is discouraged. It can take forever to get decisions made.)

I think it will take all three of you to agree to change the status quo and place Mother in a care center.

How does your cousin feel about the care center?

It sounds like you have things well-arranged for your mother. But with the new complications that she was hospitalized for, might things be different when she returns home?

Here's my big concern: People beyond the early stages of dementia should not be living alone. It is wonderful that she is right next door to you, but she is still alone for large portions of the day and night. Even without additional health issues, this is just not safe. And your mom does have additional health issues.

Maybe the three of you POAs should discuss what is best for mother. Does her doctor think she is still OK to live alone? If so, what safeguards can the three of you think of to keep her safe where she is? Can you all agree that when (not if) the doctor declares her no longer able to live alone, that you together find a suitable placement for her?

This should not be about who has power to make decisions and how we stop one absentee sister from interfering, etc. but what is really best for Mom, now and in the future? How do we work together toward implementing what is best for her?

I told our children early in my husband's dementia, "If something should happen to me, please understand that your dad cannot live alone. He may put on a good show, and he will swear up and down he is OK and can take care of himself. He can't." Some people with dementia can get along on their own with a LOT of support longer than others can. But eventually they really cannot live alone.

We children saw to it that our mom had lots of support (nurse visits, meals on wheels, house cleaning and laundry help, etc.) and that allowed her to stay in her apartment probably 4 years longer than she could have without help. But eventually the dementia got to the point where she could not live alone. She lived with one daughter for a year, and the dementia and her physical health got worse. She is now in a nursing home, and the dementia continues to get worse, but she is content and being well taken care of.

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Danjen it seems that many of your mother's children want to take her home and care for her but you and they have to consider if that is really possible. Can whoever cares for her lift her, get her to the bathroom, deal with poop everywhere in the middle of the night, go without sleep and watch her 24/7? If your mother has had dementia for 9 years and cannot speak or write it sounds as if she really does need professional care 24/7.

Perhaps a physician can determine if she does or does not require care 24/7 and his/her findings provide answers to everyone's satisfaction. It's all about what is best for your mother.

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It wouldn't hurt to speak with an attorney. If mom is unable to speak for herself it makes it difficult to know what she would want unless she has spoken about her care as she ages to someone. I would think if family is willing to care for mom, why not allow that? She'd receive better care, by people who love her. I would think home care would be the best if you all are sure you can do it. Your sister can't transfer a POA, the client must sign to appoint a new POA, however you need to read the poa form to see if it names another child as POA. Good luck.

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Both my sister and I have along with niece have poa for my mother. She has dementia, visual impairment, poor mobility, diabetes and few other health issues. My sitter does not keep well and has a tendency to drop out of situations depending on her mood and health. I moved my mother next door to me with my mothers wishes and consent all done through a lawyer at end of January. My mother has now been admitted to hospital due to complications of diabetes. I and other family members are keen to bring her home once she is fit but my sister is determined to put her into a care home. My sister had visited her 3 times form end of oct , 2 days before Xmas and day after Mother's Day. Ayer that the visit were approx every 10 days until hospital,admission mid April. My mum has a great cate package 4 times a day , I have breakfast with her every morning, district nurses administer insulin 2 x daily, family friend prepares and has lunch with my mum every day, my son goes in after school, my husband prepares her dinner where she can have in our house or own home and myself and my family see her in th evenings. My brother is delighted with this, as is other close family members. Only this sister and her children neither whom visited my mother unless my sister did(usually just her daughter and grandson ). This is such a stressful time. I understand my mother mental health has deteriorated but nothing that can't be treated at home. My mothers wishes were to stay out a care home at all costs. I also am aware if my mother does deteriorate beyond care that can be given at home we would do what's best for her.

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Thank-you for your opinions on this very delicate matter,yesterday we left a picture of my sister whom is harassing us at the nursing station,every phone call and everything she does is being documented,my mom may suffer from dementia,but she still knows whom she wants to see and doesn't.My sister is also a bad alcoholic and I wouldn't be surprised if she showed up at the home drunk wanting to see my mom.We can't stand her she's a thorn in our sides,she hasn't been in the family picture for 2 and a half years,it's all about the money,which there is not a lot,won't she be surprised.

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Tell her to get a lawyer, its a bluff, unless she is rich!!

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rockinronnie, she certainly does not have a right to see the will. That is preposterous.

She has a right to try to contact your mother. Your mother has the right to refuse contact.

In some states the POA document must be registered. I assumed she'd have a right to view it in those states.

What does she want a lawyer to do for her? Make her mother talk to her on the phone? Force you to violate your mother's rights to privacy? By all means, encourage her to get a lawyer. Let her pay to hear a professional tell her what her "rights" are. They do not include harassing you.

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lawyer

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My mother was put in a home by her doctor may 4th 2014,she has dementia,congestive heart failure and bone marrow cancer.My sister and I the two youngest were put in a position to get power of attorney to handle my mom's affairs.We have a sister that has not called or seen my mother for 2 years,finally she called my mom to find out her phone was disconnected,she is now harassing us with phone calls threatening to get a laser,she wants copies of the power of attorney and will.My mother never wants to see her again,my sister calls her and mom refuses to talk to her.What are my sisters legal rights,if she has any?

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We had not asked the doctors for a letter of incompetence, so when our mother consented to go to VA for a "visit," we couldn't stop it. The incompetence was established after she left FL, but it doesn't hold water in VA.

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anguished, once he left the state with her, why did you not report this to the police? Sure looks like kidnapping to me...

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We have spoken with an Elder Law attorney in VA, and my mother will have to be brought before a judge in VA to be declared incompetent in that state. The only way to do this to have papers served to appear in court and see if our brother will comply. We are not sure if the incompetency paperwork by doctors in FL will be recognized in VA. We have an appointment with an Elder Law attorney in FL this week. The DPOA clearly states that I am responsible for my mother's medical health, but apparently I am powerless to do anything while she is in VA. The DPOA also states that it is our mother's wishes for me to be guardian if declared incompetent, but my brother wants either for my mother to be declared competent and sign a new DPOA with him in charge or he will legally attempt to become her guardian. What was the point of the DPOA in Florida?

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Anguished, thank you for the update... that does put a whole difficult light on the situation. Sounds like he is more interested in the dollar signs than in your Mom's health.

As for what you can do.... my only suggestion is to see an Elder Law attorney to give you advice on how you can legally reverse what your brother did.

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That is good advice, fregflyer, but given my brother's history, he will let our mother sleep all day on the couch and deteriorate. He won't bring in PT, will leave her alone in the house, etc., because he is in denial about our mother's condition. My born-again brother keeps telling our mother there is nothing wrong with her and that she is competent to handle her own affairs, although the doctors in FL have declared her incompetent. He wants power over her money and has seen a lawyer in this regard. He has said he may or may not give her prescribed medication. I don't believe his intentions are righteous; it is more about control and money--he took her out of the nursing facility in FL and brought her to VA with no discussion or no plan in place--and he has no spouse.

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Anguished, let your brother see how difficult it is to duplicate a nursing home within his own home. If your Mom is thriving at your brother's home, then just sit back and watch. I wouldn't be surprised that before you know it, your brother will realize that Mom needs more care then he [or his spouse/sig other] can provide.

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I have durable power of attorney (DPOA) of my mother and have taken care of her for years. I made the difficult decision of putting her in a nursing facility for memory loss. She has Alzheimer's. My brother came to Florida to "visit" our Mom, and decided he was going to take her out of the facility and take care of her. He not only took her out of the facility, he took her out of her resident state of FL to VA. I want what is best for our mother, which is 24 hour care, PT, and all the services available in the nursing facility. What are my rights and responsibilities as DPOA? Can I legally bring my mother back to FL? Sincerely, Anguished Daughter

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We're going through a similar situation. Me, my brothers and sister took care of Mom the majority of the time and my sister occasionally. My Mom started to get dementia and she convinced my Mom that we were out to "steal" her stuff (cookie jar, knick knacks, stupid stuff). Mom had over $20k in a lock box in her house that was NEVER touched by any of us. She finally convinced her to not speak to us, had us banned from entering her apartment complex, etc. Now my sister moved her daughter in with Mom to "take" care of her. She brings guys over, parties and barely feeds her. She stays in her room for weeks. She was finally hospitalized for mental dementia and we were told my sister got POA. Doctor recommended 24 hour care in nursing home and my sister is refusing. We think it would be best for her since we worry about her falling etc. Sister refusing because the state will take the house once insurance stops paying. It's all BULL over money and how do these people sleep at night?

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Does the nursing home have to give a sibling a copy of the POA poxy when
asked or how do I find out if my sister has POA.

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I would let the social worker know it is not safe for your mother to go home. Let them know there is no power and home is unsafe. Call adult protective services. See if they can take passion of your mother due to unsafe environment. In Indiana apps would take control and place your mother in a facility until your sister could get power, food and home safe before they would let her move back home. Hope this help. Bridget.

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my sister sent my mother to hospital and has not shown up at all It has been 7 days/ She is schizophrenic and has power of attorney Mom has dementia. the hospital had my number on file and contacted me I live and work in another state. My sister called hospital from a cousins house because she had disconnected the phone and power to my mom 's home( where sister resides with her and sister now had mom sign over to her) Mom is being released on Monday. Sister says she has POA but has not presented herself to the hospital. I am concerned for my moms immediate wellbeing and longer quality life issues sister has legal athority I already went through the court last year when siter was taken away to hospital for an episode. mom was hospitalized I went for guardianship,. the judge said it had to go to the next level and would not rule in probate said it had to be decided guardianship vs POA through superior courts in Rhode Island. What can bedone Cant th department of elderly affaris do something or protective services? they are telling me I have to go to a lawyer and go to court for guardianship this does not seemright! I dont have the means to accomplish this. Any suggestions Can sister me removed from her power in a cheeper way Laast night after visiting my mom in the hospital i went to see if my sister was alright becasue my relatives have been contactimng me that she is out of control I found her in a dark hosue window broken she woul not open the door Talked through the window and told me to mind my business She was talking about people listening in on her thorugh wires, stealing things national grid doing things etc. I called the police They came but she would not let them in Apparently the officer looked at the power meter and determined that there was no power to the house. I reported to department of elderly affairs and the hospital social worker. there has to be some more immediate thing that can be done. Mom will be released Please help!!!!!

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I feel so bad reading this, you're poor Mom must have been over medicated as a lot of nursing homes do. She could be indeep depression also as they go downhill fast in nursing homes I have heard . My moms Dr just told me the stress of them is what gets them if they are not happy there. Even with dementia, they sense and know whats going on. I think if you have more than one sibling on your side that you can all overpower your sister. You can apply for guardianship also and the courts decide but that a lot of money and time, which you dont have by the sounds of it. Demand the healthcare proxy and get to a laywer right away. This has to be done ASAP thou before its too late for your poor Mom. Best of luck to you.

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GET AN ATTORNEY! ITS AS SIMPLE AS THAT. GOOD LUCK.

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First, let me said that I am not in anyway being harsh toward you. I just want to pass along some info that I have learned.
I have Durable POA with my mom. Right in the document it states that my rights can be revoked. Contact an attorney and try to get her rights revoked,but you will have to prove neglect of her POA duties more than "she put mom in a home without families consent," cause legally she can make decisions like that. In my Durable POA paperwork mom declared me guardian if court precedings would be filed for guardianship. Mom did that so my siblings couldn't fight me for guardianship for mom because siblings are money greedy and would throw mom in a home. I on the other hand quit my "LIFE" to help with mom so she can remain at home till the end. So you will need to get a hold of existing POA papers and check for that. In that case you might not be able to retain guardianship.
Just to add another thing: I was told by a professional(not sure if actually correct for every state)that as long as one is not deemed "incompentent" throught the COURT. They are not incompentent even though family feels differently. Until paperwork is filed and court proceedings happen to deem one incompentent. Your mother can still legally sign documents even if she doesn't understand and make a legal binding document. All she has to do is make an "X" or other marking and be witnessed and its legal. Its really up to the attorney or whomever is legalizing documents to make that moral call. So that is probably how your sis got POA done.
The Doctor can conclude that your mom is "incompentent" but again it has to be ruled through the court system. Because that is taking away your moms right for everything. So its more than just a doctor signing off on it. But don't be surprised if doctor doesn't want involved in matter. Because the doctor will have to provide detailed documentation and probably have to go to court to defend his decision. I was having problems with my sibling stealing my mom blind and I talked to her doctors about her mental status and they all refused to get involved.
I hope some of this info helps. I wish I had my siblings wanting to help with my mom. Your sister needs to realize that she has the support. There are lots of caregivers out there who WISH they had help from family.
Everything will work out, just stick together, and stand your ground.

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I also forgot to mention that your mother had to be in good health and in a clear state of mind. Your sister can be replaced as power of attorney. Many POA are being sued because they are giving themselves money and making financial transactions beneficial to them. Have your sister, in court, submit ALL financial transactions from the time she appointed herself as POA. Look at this case and good luck.

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It is very simple. All of you can all challenge the power of attorney. Maybe you can tell a police officer that your sister is not to enter the nursing home either without supervision because there a court case pending against her. Take her to court and tell the judge that your sister has abused her POA privilege. Tell him that your mother can neither speak, feed or write and your sister has threatened to put your father in a nursing home if he talks. Bring the text messages she sent. That is senior/elder abuse. How can your mom give power of attorney unless your sister FORGED your moms signature to get power of attorney???. And please tell the judge about the nursing home situation where she refused to show up and the nurses refused to revive or resucitate your mom until she got there 45 minutes later. The same thing with your dad. Did you actually see him give her power of attorney? Did you ever discuss it with your father? Something is just not right here. Besides there is one person, your sister, who wants to put her in a home and SEVEN of you who would like to care for your mother and hopefully care for your dad at home. Challenge the power of attorney in court, not in private and make sure all of your sisters/brothers are there to support you. Make sure they have statements/texts of what they witnessed your sister doing as far as alienating her from you guys and saying shes going to have you all arrested. I am praying that you will win this case and probably have your sister removed from the premises and tell her not to come near your property or near your mom and dad. Your mom and dad God Bless them but they're probably in fear for their life of your sister and GOD FORBID, but who is to say that your sister didnt deliberately put something in your moms food/drink to make her limp that day. Get your parents back home with you guys and moniter them, nurse them back to health with natural foods to help their blood pressure, cholesterol, memory with B vitamins, all of that. Do it quickly and you are in my prayers.

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My sister, mother's Power of Attorney, decided that she is going to put our mom in a nursing home. What can we do legally, if 7 out of 13 of my mother’s children would rather take her into our home?

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