Sorry to unload on all. But today, we moved my 79 year old mother into Assisted Living. It was a long time coming for her with her dementia. She was a very independent professional woman for a number of years. Today was brutally tough. The only way we could get her out was to kill the heat in her home (which she has lived in for a lifetime) and tell her that she cannot stay there while it is fixed.
The facility is great. It is everything we could ask for. Very modern. Looks like a resort. Great food. Great amenities.
But today was brutal. As the day went on, she became more and more uncomfortable about the situation. By the time the sun went down, she got erratic. Threatened to call the police to have them take her home. (she does have sundowners...so things get wacky later in day). She did not want to be left alone. I felt like I was leaving a small child at a facility somewhere. She kept trying to get me to reassure her that I was going to be staying in the suite with her. I am riddled with guilt and questioning whether we should have done some type of in-home care instead.
Ok...now for some questions that might help me:
1) How much involvement should I have in the beginning? The place is 2 minutes from our house and I planned on spending a ton of time there in the beginning. But tonight, I was questioning the idea and if it's better for her to get used to it and force her independence?? Thoughts?? Just not sure what to do.
2) Moving forward....any suggestions on how to get her to accept the fact that she might not be going home......ever? Just thinking of that phrase makes me upset. Can't imagine what she is thinking.
Again...I will take ANY advice that you can offer. This is a woman who LOVED her home and is really going to struggle with this. But her condition was so bad that she would turn off the heat by accident and try to light fires in a non-wood fireplace to stay warm. A disaster waiting to happen.
Thanks again for the support. Again, I will take any and all advice. I just need to be talked off the ledge :)
I think it is usually recommended that you step back for a bit to let her adjust to her new living arrangement. It will be hard on both of you but necessary. Ask the staff for guidance on this.
Dementia is a horrible disease that really changes conditions to make things we never thought possible into necessities.
each case is different but folks need to figure out the new reality and it’s tough. I would peek into the dining room at dinner and watch them learn how to interact with table mates and staff. It’s a little like dropping off the kid for the first day of school.
just remember , she’s safe now. You’re doing the right thing.
With dementia....she likely does not have the ability to understand that this is her new home NOR why. Expecting her to get it isn’t realistic, imo. I’d keep it simple and something she can deal with. She can’t process more. If heat is broken, they have to replace the furnace....jobs lined up...anytime...new part on order...in shipment.....any day, etc. Eventually, most residents forget about it. It’s often that they forget your answer not that they are contesting your answer.
Id keep in mind that no matter how much she loved her home, that would not continue to make her content. People with dementia often develop fear, confusion, anxiety, etc and they long for comfort that the house does not provide. People with dementia have brain damage they can’t do better. Leaving them alone to make on their own is risky for their own safety. If they could do better, they would.
I’d just keep check on how much help she does need. A regular AL may be sufficient up to a certain point.
Everyone's situation is different. But here's what I did after agonizing for about a year over whether, when and where to move my then 95-year-old dad in late-stage dementia to a memory care facility: I didn't tell my dad about the move, instead I just drove him there and he thought we had arrived at a nice hotel like we had done many times in the past. We ate a nice dinner together and I spent the night with him, showered him in the morning, and then we ate a hearty breakfast together. I watched as he ate lunch with his new friends and then I left while he was participating in an activity. Then I returned and observed him eating dinner. After the first day, I rode my bike the 10 miles round trip to visit him at least once every day (and my wife visited him a couple of times weekly as well) for the next 19 months until he died at age 97. During that time, I remained his primary caregiver, but with the facility's small army of aides and my daily bike ride I was a better rested, more fit and much more patient caregiver. An unexpected bonus was that my dad became more social than he had been in many years.
As it turned out, my dad didn't remember living anywhere else over the last 75 or so years, i.e. he didn't remember living with my family for the prior 3.5 years, nor any of the three homes where he and my mom lived for 70 years. However, almost every day he would ask me to take him home, but "home" was his childhood home where he thought his mom was waiting for him (or waiting for us, since he often thought I was his dad). I always told him it was too late today since all I had was a bike, but that we could go "home" in the morning after a good night's sleep and a hot breakfast. That usually satisfied him, but when it didn't, then we would walk the halls together looking for an exit and a ride "home." Sometimes other residents overheard us and wanted us to take them to their homes and I'd tell them the same things I told my dad.
I know the staff at some facilities advise family members not to visit for a while (my dad's staff did not), but you know your mom better than the staff does, and you should do what you think will be best for her adjustment. Like I said, everyone is different. Best wishes.
good luck & hugs 🤗
Ibe instructed them to not spend too much time sitting with her in her room, as she gets annoyed by this. But they pop n and out, make sure she gets to meals when Im not there, and have gotten her to some activities, helped with the new remote for her TV.
Ibe been there every day, eaten a few meals with her. Most people have been very welcoming. There are both ALivvin and Indpendent Living at all activities and dining room.
It's still been rough. I took her to a dr appt on Wed and she cried when I brought her back. But today I took her for hair appt and it was better coming back.. I made sure she was sitting at a large table in dining before I left
The hardest was a phone call I got the second night she called crying and telling me she was scared to be there alone.
This is hard, but necessary.
Will she be happy? Maybe, maybe not. The main thing is that she is safe.
Dementia is a family affliction. We ALL suffer the ravages, not just the person who's diagnosed. We worry, we fret, we wring our hands trying to figure out what to say to them, how to word it just right. How to lie when necessary, and how to stretch the truth or fabricate the details to help them cope with their new reality. They, in turn, will forget what we struggled so hard to come up with to begin with, so we'll just have to keep repeating ourselves on a daily basis.
Try not to take the backlash personally. It's hard, I know, and I give myself the same advice on a daily basis. Allow your mother to adjust to her new home and to make friends & find her place. Stay away for a bit if you can, and when you do visit, leave if/when her behavior goes south. Remind her that she's there under doctor's orders & she can't leave or 'go home' until & unless her doctor orders such a change. In the meantime, mother, please settle in and join the activities.
One day at a time. You're doing the best you can and have nothing to feel guilty over. Allow yourself to feel relieved that she's safe & being cared for. And allow yourself to feel sad that you've lost the mother you've always known......she's somebody different now, and continuing to change all the time. Dementia is an ugly affliction that robs a person of all they were and all they can ever be. All that's left is a shell of what used to be, and that's a sad thing. Allow yourself to grieve the loss, as it is profound.
Wishing you and your mom all the best.
Hind site, I know that I set a precedence for me being there too often. He did well but he was incredibly upset when the time came for me to get back to my life and only be a visitor. He wanted me around for hours everyday, I would have backed off sooner had I known.
One thing that I recommend, watch her while she doesn't know you are around. This will give you the true picture of how she is doing. My dad complained and everything was wrong, staff said he was doing great, no problems- reality was in the middle.
I was happy that I watched from the shadows so I could see what was really going on. Even staff didn't know I was present.
I hope that you and mom adjust quickly. Great big warm hug!
And I visit daily but she doesn’t remember that.
You have been a wonderful and loving daughter and that will never change but at some point we have to step back and let them adjust to their new environment and the loss we both feel. I’m working through that too! Sending good thoughts your way . . .