My husband is the love of my life. The last 4-5 years have slowly uncovered memory loss that has him frequently not remembering things I've told him in the last 24 hours. He writes things down a lot, but if he doesn't he can't hold on to things like what I am doing. Last night I told him I was walking with my friend Jacq this afternoon. This morning I reminded him, he said he remembered. Then an hour or so later he asked where I was going again. I told him. Then as I was getting ready to go he said, "I can't remember what you're doing, tell me again." I admit, I got upset. That made him mad. He stayed mad all day and went to bed mad. This happens more and more. I just can't get used to losing him so slowly like this. He's 76, I'm 69. Will I ever get used to this?
I know it is hard especially when you are required to be repetitive constantly but try not to allow it to aggravate you. I lost my husband a few months ago and now those times I lost my patience with him haunt me. He was not doing it on purpose to aggravate me he was just trying to keep track of things as best he could and I WAS THE ONE HE TRUSTED TO FILL IN THE BLANKS.
He was my souldmate my love and I would give the world to just spend time with him again- it is painful beuyond measure Towards the very end he often did not know who i was specifically. He knew he knew me but he actually could not make the connection that i was his wife. you cannot imagine how traumatic that was. He kept calling me by his sisters name which was something that really rubbed me the wrong way. Once I lost my temper and yelled at him " I am not your sister!" and he looked at me and said all pisse of " Well - then who the hell are yoiu!"
I was devastated but it really drove it home to me how deeply it had affected his ability to stay connected to his life and how distressing it must have been. he did not remember our home when I brought him home on hospice or me most of the time and I was told by someone that there were days when he was not sure who he was if you can even imagine how that felt to him. Terrifying no doubt.
At least so far your husband just cannot remember specific details like what you are doing for the day. No matter hoe annoying that can be - it could be some much more difficult and sad. try to enjoy just having the love of your life there and knowing who you are - the details just do not matter as much anymore when you get a little perspective. Take it from someone who regrets no having had more patience.
Just do the best you can and have patience.
She asks me the same questions everyday and I answer them as it's the first time I heard them. Again, she can't help it just like your husband can't help it. It's part of the disease.
When we expect more we set ourselves up for disappointment. It's better to accept, easier for you and for your husband and less stress for the both of you.
You will learn how to deal with your husband as it's a progressive disease and will get worse with time. What helped me besides this forum was watching Teepa Snow youtube video's. She explains so much and also teaches you how to deal.
I feel for you I really do. I know how frustrating it can be when someone we love doesn't remember. Again, I really miss having conversations with my Mom but those days are long gone. All I can do is be the best I can for my Mom with the time she has left on this earth.
Best to you,
Jenna
hang un there, use laughter and friends i use a verh large calendar - desk size - on the wall - gor for us both to use - it hasnt workef very well for obvious reasons so..,,, shrug... its a hoid visual just for my remembrance and a reminder to adjust my own expectstions... best to yo
keep walking. I’m glad you have a friend to walk with. At the moment I do not.
I grieve too.
Dont grieve yet. You still have her to talk to and have her talk back and to touch and to hug and to tell her how much you love her. There may come a day that you wont be able to do any of those things so try to remember that and just love her like you do.
Sad but True it will only get worse with time.
You need to just answer the same question as many times as he asks. Just as if it's a little child that keeps asking the same question over and over again.
One day you may be like that so treat him the way you wojld want to be treated.
Your husband doesn't like not being able to remember more than you don't like repeating yourself.
Be glad you don't have Dementia.
For example if you plan on meeting friends tomorrow at 2 PM for a walk don't mention it today. Tomorrow you can mention that you are going for a walk but just say "I am going to go for a walk today" if he asks when just say "after lunch" After lunch say you are going for a walk at 2.
If you wrote things down on a white board would that help him? Place the white board next to a clock. Either set the white board up like a weekly calendar or just make it for the day if 5 days would be more than he could handle.
Good luck to you. I hope you can find an Alzheimers support group, because our county here in Ohio offers none. Just depending on a few friends to talk to for helping me get through this.
However, you can get an Alzheimer's clock to assist with dates and medications. You can write the daily schedule, including walks with your friend, on a white board. You can check with a neurologist for medications that help with dementia symptoms.
It's a horrible disease that never gets better.
Patience is a vertue . I pray for you and him!
Now he has difficulty remembering from 24 hours prior. Then that too will close in to something that was said or took place only minutes prior. The person with Alzheimers can not learn, only we as loved ones/family/caregivers can learn and change as needed. No it is not easy but it can be a bit easier for you once you learn how to accept/handle it.
Years ago as my mother’s caregiver I learned in order for me to keep my sanity, I needed to adjust and not be surprised by anything. Training for taking care of my hubby now. My favorite saying is “That’s OK”.
Keep things calm. Get into their world. Take one day at a time. Stay calm. When asked the same question 10 times in a row, just make believe 10 different people walked into the room one by one and asked the same question, so you would think nothing of answering each one of them. Adapt. I do everything I can to keep everything simple. Conversation is next to nil, but what I say to my dear sweet husband of 60 years is simple. Amazing how we enjoy conversation about the birds, trees, sun, etc. That’s OK. Try to enjoy simple things together. Try not to be sad.
I look for blessings. So many things that we did together over the years. Things that we enjoyed together, even though he does not remember any of it. That’s OK. We live as if everything is normal, he seldom knows other than that and if he does, I calm him by saying, “That’s OK”. But also, Remember to take care of yourself.
I have found that my Mom and now my husband felt/feel my love for them. By my voice, holding their hand, etc. So don’t ever hesitate to give that love and kind words.
My mother has full blown dementia & lives in Memory Care. I find her forgetfulness to be frustrating, to tell you the truth. When my own DH forgets things I've told him, it drives me up the wall too. I keep my thoughts private, but I FEEL them nevertheless. My mother drives me nuts in general, so my frustration with her is nothing new. With my DH, it's FEAR that drives me to feel frustrated. Fear can make us act in ways we're not proud of.
I don't know that you'll ever 'get used to this', but you'll find work arounds. Ways of doing things that take his compromised cognizance into account. Learn all you can about cognitive decline and what to expect moving forward. I think we can often learn more from boards such as this than we can from the 'best Neurologists' in the world. Once they do the testing and write the prescriptions (if there are any to write), that's when their part is over with. But that's when WE are left with the daily grind of everyday life with a person who's lost his memory and ability to function normally. The tips we get here are more valuable than gold. There's nothing like talking to people who walk the walk to get the best ideas and information about how to cope with your new life.
Wishing you the best of luck. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
This forum has been great, these last few days were really tough. Thanks again.
Try to come to peace with this. Argument or losing it won't win the day. But accepting, talking about it, trying hard and approaching with humor the best we can may not help, but may make it a tiny bit easier. A tiny bit.
Please have Rick screened for dementia by his PCP. Besides the “forgetfulness”, what other problems do you see in his day to day life? Does he get confused about doing simple things like operating the TV remote, remembering where he placed something, or how to write checks? Before his appt., write down what you observe about his behavior and bring that with you. If his PCP suspects dementia, Rick will be referred to a neurologist who will conduct several other tests to find the reason for his dementia. Dementia has many causes, so it's imperative to determine the cause. Please get back to us after his PCP appointment.
My husband and I have been experiencing something SO SIMILAR to you, with similar reactions from one another, and I can trace this back to when we were first locked down, and some forgetfulness (both of us) before, but not nearly as much has been annoying us both since.
My husband has severe anxiety, and I’m depressed, and neither condition makes for reasonably strong cognitive functioning.
I’ve JUST been able to get “in the line” for vaccination, and I’m hoping and praying that SOME sense of normalcy can help us figure out how to restore some semblance of reason to our lives. We’ve been hit somewhat more than many people by the outer effects of this horror, but fortunately are STILL healthy ourselves.
In the meantime, we’ve promised each other NOT to “fill in the blanks” for each other for the time being. We BOTH hate the fact that the other notices our slips, and fact is, in our house, we’d rather CHOOSE not to make each other mad, and honestly that has helped some.
You need to adapt to his reality. Don't tell him you already told him something -- he really don't remember. Just treat it like it's the first time he asked.
Few things will make you crazier than trying to force him back into "normal." It won't ever work, so try to relax and go with his flow.
Check out the Alzheimer's Assn. website, too, for useful info. They deal with all types of dementia, not just Alzheimer's.