My mother has early dementia and is 86 years young. My problem is not with her it is with my older brother and youngest sister, my middle sister gets it! I have been taking care of mom for 9 years, the last 5 with POA. My parents built our house, it is a two story round Deltex home with the bottom half built into the side of a hill, able to withstand a category 5 hurricane. Mothers dementia has progressed to the point of not wanting to leave her home, it is her safe place. There are two types of dementia and Alzheimer's, I call them the stayers and the leavers. The neighbor down the street is a leaver, she walks away from her home quite often. My mother is a stayer, she will leave to go to the doctors, that's it! Every time it storms (We live in N. Florida) My brother wants to move her to his house 2 and a half hours away. Mother refuses to go, my brother and youngest sister thinks it is me wanting her to stay! Mother's doctor agrees with me and my middle sister's mom should stay where she feels safe, moving her against her will causes confusion and exacerbates her condition. Both sisters have experienced mom's melt downs when they have taken her away from her home! Let me tell you they are scary!!!
I have tried to tell them it is part of her disease to no avail. I have asked them to speak to her doctor, look up the disease on line and or talk to people who are caregivers, again, to no avail! Neither one visits her more than three or four times a year, when they do she is good at playing down her illiness. They are now taking me to court for POA. My middle sister, neighbors and friends, both of mom's doctors are on my side, I have a better case than they do. I am ready to shoot both of her slacker children! (Just a figure of speech!) My brother and sister talked about sedating mother to move her, it will be over my dead body! They believe that it is just an inconvenience to mom and nothing more. How do I convince them it is the disease stupid! And not me?
with the court nonsense or backed off?
I used to ask at work, when do the elephants arrive... when I would get the perplexed looks, I would then state 'the clowns are already here!' Your clowns are there... hopefully the elephants never arrive!
Our mother was becoming a "stayer", but I did have concerns about that changing. How dementia affects the brain and thought processes does change over time! Mom refused to move in with anyone and absolutely wanted nothing to do with a facility (AL/MC not NH), even though before dementia it was part of her "plan." The first 9 months she hounded my YB to take her back to her condo. Then she forgot the condo and focused on the previous residence! Additionally, a UTI can throw a spanner in the works! She got one and was adamant that she needed to get out and go to that older home, because she had guests coming! YB initially insisted she would prefer just AL, but because he had no clue how dementia works, this would NOT have been a good idea. When I said there is no one to stop her walking out the front door, his reply was 'she doesn't do that now.' No blunderboy, because she is becoming self-isolated in her place. This would NOT be her "place" and she would probably wander off looking for her "place" (so many time she told staff she was going to walk to her place, my place, her mother's place, clearly she WOULD have become a "leaver!")
As for the two siblings understanding - not likely they will. As someone else called them - ostriches! Too many family members do NOT experience the whole scenario and have no clue what it entails. You say mom is in early dementia, and too often they can muster up enough to appear mostly "ok." That WILL change.
Neither of my brothers understood anything much about dementia. When I tried to provide information, I was called a know-it-all. Due to "sticker shock" at the first place we checked out, they both said "for that kind of money, I will take her in!" Neither did. OB isn't local and the last time he was up to help with condo, he visited once without me and refused to go again, as he "didn't know what to do with her." THIS from someone who was going to move her 2 days away and care for her himself?????
As for educating them - you can try. Have the doctor send something, have flyers sent to them, add them to email listing for dementia sites, etc (they probably won't appreciate that and will likely just ignore/unsubscribe.) You say they have visited and cared for her, but since you indicate she is only in the early stages, it is hard for the ignorant to understand where this all leads to. In their eyes, mom might just be a tad forgetful or whatever. I don't think either brother saw past that initial stage (I had started reading up on it myself, to know what to expect.) We can only provide the information, we can't make them read it, understand it or accept it.
Although it is sad that you have had to shell out your $ for fighting them, your attorney could petition the court to have them reimburse you when they lose their case! Typically the person's assets are used to pay all the court costs, but this may be different, if they are suing you. I would discuss all that with your attorney. I would also, if he thinks you have a good case (most likely you will, there is no abuse, mom is being cared for and her wishes are being honored by you), perhaps someone could "enlighten" the two clowns that they will likely have to pay for their "parade." They should also be warned that the court could appoint a 3rd party guardian, removing all decision making/control from all of you!
Wishful thinking that we had a magic wand or magic words that could enlighten all the people in the world, in this and all situations!
"I have been taking care of mom for 9 years, the last 5 with POA."
The secondary issue is that the siblings could apply for guardianship, which would override POA.
Courts do not grant POAs, only guardianship/stewardship. POAs have to be assigned by the person who needs it, generally through an attorney and before they are too far down the dementia road. Sounds like mom might still be able to agree to POA, but again, OP already has that and the siblings are going to court, so they are attempting to get guardianship.
I would tell my attorney that I want it to kick their butts so hard it creates precedent.
I am sorry that you are having to fight their control issues while caring for your mom. Some siblings aren't worth the powder to blow them up. Lucky you, you got 2 of them 🤯.
You will prevail, her doctor will be the winning witness. Be sure and keep him/her informed and make sure that they are willing to testify. I have heard of some that won't. Believing that they will happily protect your mom.
Well done for caring enough to do the hard job and fight the hard battles. Great big hug!
I moved my husband for what was to be temporarily and not understanding his dementia. His doctors all gave the okay. He was in the the hospital the very next day and went downhill from there. "It was scarey!" He was hospitalized 3 times, went through several bad months, then went from the last 2 week hospital stay to a home that specializes in allowing him the life style, activities and medical assistance he needs. I feel fortunate all has turned out well for now and he is happy. But the move definitly took its toll on everyone.
I admit Mom should be Looked after and it seems you are doing this Job, Living NEARER.
As long as mom is Not a Risk to Herself, Keep it Going and Flowing, angel.
Just a thought, but your doctor may be able to provide a written report to counter your siblings views. Plus have you considered informing them of all the time it takes from you? Do a diary for a month and put everything in it. It will sound depressing when written like that but may be one way to let them realise what is really involved in caring for your mum in the way she wants. Not what they think she wants, based on a few, limited visits a year, which doesn’t sound suitable for your mums disease/ needs.
Her doctor may also be able to vouch for the way you are handing her affairs and managing her needs.
Personally your siblings need a kick up the bum for putting you through this at such a time. And sedating your mum?! What do they think she is - no way to treat a lady that’s their mum- besides that puts her at increased risk of falls due to sedation and can induce further confusion. How much longer before they just want to palm her off to a nursing home to visit instead?!
Keep up the good fight and thank you on behalf of your mum. Let us know how it goes.
Oh sorry, I misread it. I thought you wanted to evacuate when you were talking about a hotel room. Some people just like to get away during the storm and look at it as a vacation. It’s about doing what is best for your personal situation. We have to consider different things, the elderly, our pets and so forth. My little schnauzer was always a pain to travel with. She was a nervous Nellie in the car. My greyhound did fine in the car but he was such a big dog. He was 85 pounds. I had to board him because I didn’t think the hotel would want a large dog. Funny thing is though, he was more laid back than my little one.
Same here in Louisiana. Many, many times people were able and are able to stay home or as some say, vertical evacuation, just go to an upstairs location if flooding is a concern. Like I said, Katrina was a unique situation, a different kind of storm. Our levees broke and so much of the city had horrible flooding. That was a mandatory evacuation.
I am so glad that your area is okay. Generators are so helpful too. My daddy grew up in Panama City Beach. I went every summer as a kid. I love it.
I wasn’t accusing you of putting your mom in danger. Of course, I understand that you know what is best. I have crappy brothers too. I get that as well.
Sorry if I misunderstood your post. I have been stressed out lately and I misread it.
So happy that you are in a safe spot. Florida, Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana have all taken their hits from the hurricanes. I’m thrilled you aren’t in a vulnerable location.
So many people think they can ride out a storm but why go through that agony. My mom complained the entire trip to Houston from New Orleans when we evacuated for Katrina. It took so long. Traffic was horrendous due to so many people evacuating.
I am with you, be as comfortable as you can be while away with conveniences rather than being home in the storm without power.
So many people died in New Orleans because they didn’t evacuate. Katrina wasn’t an ordinary storm though. Horrible that mom lost her home but our lives were spared. That’s what is most important.
We were lucky to get a hotel suite. Hotels filled up quickly. I called my friend that lived in Houston. We were friends for a bazillion years before she moved there and I was so happy that I would be able to meet her for lunch.
She was so sweet. She has a huge home. She invited my entire family to stay with her in their home until it was safe to return to New Orleans. We gave her money for groceries and she wanted to refuse it but I insisted that she accept it. I shared with cooking and cleaning. She has a housekeeper but when kids play there is always picking up to do. Her kids and my kids get along well. Her husband is a sweet guy. He and my husband played golf.
My friend spoiled my mom. She even took her to her favorite hair salon to be pampered. She’s a great friend. We could see and hear from the news that mom’s home was most likely destroyed.
Mom didn’t have a home to return to. It was horrible. She had nine feet of water. There was only one thing left hanging on my mother’s wall, my graduation picture. My nephew said to me, “You’re a true survivor!” Hahaha He was cute and made me laugh with his remark. Oh well, there were a million stories like that after Katrina.
Mom only had the clothes on her back, the small suitcase for the evacuation she had packed and her purse when she moved in with us. I was amazed at the kindness of others.
When I was able to take mom shopping to replace her wardrobe the store manager would not let me pay for them. She told mom it was free!
I will never forget the kindness of my friend, everyone in Houston, back home. Some people did pull together and others acted like animals.
Every junkie went nuts in our streets not being able to get their fix. My friend who is in the National Guard was stationed in the super dome and said he actually had PTSD afterwards because he said they were withdrawing from drugs, fighting each other, stealing from businesses, not talking about people who stole diapers and baby formula because they had to. I’m talking about the people who were stealing televisions and that sort of thing. Just disgusting! So yeah, in some cases it’s best to evacuate.
Good luck to you, sending prayers.
On a related note: my 2 aunts in south FL (97 w/dementia and 100 no dementia) get taken to their nephew's house in the same town during hurricanes. He and his wife entertained the daylights out of them for 2 weeks during the last one -- aunties thought is was great fun! I too was nervous about them being taken. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. Next time they want to take your mom due to a storm, why don't you both go stay with them? If you are her PoA you have every right to request this.
I am sorry that you have to deal with their behavior. I hope one day they will be able to understand what the situation truly is.
And so, I will put money on it, will the court. Your brother and younger sister - I would say, they have a lot to learn; but the fact is more likely to be that they don't *want* to learn and they would much rather believe that you are a control freak than go to the trouble of really understanding dementia. Which, let's agree, is pretty hard work.
They are not doing it to be evil, they are not doing it with the intention of making your life harder and more stressful, they sincerely believe that mother would have a *lovely* time and you are a spoilsport/wet blanket/dog in the manger etc.
They are ignorant as... all get-out.
Take deep breaths. Invite them to visit. Try one of the widely-recommended books, such as the 36 Hour Day; or put them on the Alzheimer's Society's mailing list. And then do your best to forget about it - heaven knows you have enough to deal with.
Or - I suppose you could tell them to Ask A Question (should we sedate and uproot my mother from the home she feels safe in? Surely that won't bother her much?) on here!