We put my mom in memory care this past Monday. We (my father and siblings) were not allowed to see or talk to her for three days. The fourth day my dad was allowed to see her for an hour+ and the fifth day a couple of us were allowed to see her for two hours. I went to see her on the 6th day (yesterday) and stayed for 7 hours. My dad popped in and out. Each time we visited she sobbed and pleaded for us not to leave her again almost the entire visit. She was shaking uncontrollably. She kept saying to my dad I love you so much , please don’t divorce me. She looks like she aged 10 years and looks traumatized. Her lips are swollen and so chapped and she has sores on her nose. For me it was the worst week of my life. I knew she was suffering horribly. I was the only one in my family (have 7 siblings and my father) that wanted to keep her home and get increased home health care. It’s killing me to know she is in constant fear (petrified) and is crying all the time. Any advice you can give will be so helpful.
What led to her placement? Is dad burned out from caregiving?
Would you like to have her come live in your home with increased care?
I’m sure if that were an option, OP or her siblings would have done so.
I am, as a nurse, honestly not certain how I feel about this.
Yes, she is in distress and is afraid, but the truth is that this is her new home. Not everything can be fixed or made good when dementia is a factor. She may need medication and then you are in the difficult territory of what cocktails of meds works for her without making her seem almost comatose or without making her fall prone. It is being between the devil and the deep.
You need to recognize this is a hard time, allow yourself the grief. Recognize the limitations and power to fix and hope and pray and do whatever else comes to mind, all the while knowing there is no "perfection " in this sad transition.
Make sure Mom's bedroom is set up the same way she had it at home, if that is possible. It can be scary waking up at night and nothing looked familiar. When my Dad moved into senior care, I was able to have his high boy dresser to the left of his bed, the way he had it at home, plus his night stand. Did the same when later moved into Memory Care. Keep the same bedspread and towel she had at home, unless the facility supplies their own linens.
I gave Dad a couple of weeks to get adjusted to his new home, and to become familiar with the Staff. I would call daily. I would visit only an hour each day, then cut back to every other day, and eventually once a week. Dad finally settled into a routine. He wasn't a social butterfly, not into crafts, but would attend the weekly music sessions. During meals in the common room, the facility would pair Dad with another resident who either was from the same home State as Dad or who had similar interests. If they clicked, they always had their meals together.
I hope your Mom settles into a routine sooner or later.
Seven hours may be too long. Mom needs to feel comfortable with the staff. Don't visit the whole time in her room. Walk the halls. Now the weather is warming up, take her outside. To the common area where people are. Be there when there are activities to help get her interested. My Moms AL brought in entertainment. I went to a few. Staff should be getting her involved but maybe you being there Mom is more likely to participate.
My daughter never said she was going home with Mom. She would say, need to go to work, have a hot date, see ya later. We never used the word home or house. Yes, its hard but Mom is in the best place she can be. I would question the chapped puffy lips and sores. They maybe using something when they wash her she is allergic to. Maybe something they are feeding her.
Most likely you who love her are suffering far FAR more than she.
You placed her because in spite of the best efforts of everyone involved, she needed placement.
She needs to adjust to allowing herself to be cared for by others. For you to stay for seven hours so early in her entrance to care may make it harder, not easier, for her to begin her process of adjustment.
My mother said “I’ll NEVER FORGIVE YOU” as I left her for the first time. I was crushed. As it turned out, her life at her residence was much more comfortable AND PLEASANT than the life she’d known in the little cottage where she’d live, by herself, during the years after my father died.
Have you had a child who had fear of going to school, but who once there would be as happy as the other children? Her situation may be similar. Once she becomes more familiar with her “new” life, she may relax and begin to enjoy it.
I have a cherished snapshot of my mother, taken at a residence party. She’s wearing a HUGE sun hat, smiling broadly and looking like a Queen.
For YOUR SAKE, give this a good long period of adjustment. Call periodically and ask her caregiver(s) how she!s doing. When you visit, keep your visits to a few minutes, and if she becomes upset, give her a hug and tell her you love her and that you’ll be back soon. Then leave quickly- no scenes, no returns to her.
HARD? It was for me. But in retrospect, I knew that the safety and surveillance and monitoring and activity were the VERY BEST I COULD DO FOR HER.
Be good to yourself as YOU and your dad adjust.