A nurse, home health sitter, and assisted living director who know or have met my father have all advised that he will react horribly and it will put my aging mother through the announcement too many times if we tell him or prepare him in advance. They all say he will refuse to go. They say that he won’t remember anyway, so we shouldn’t upset him ahead of time. It just feels wrong. What’s best for the parent with dementia and the one without? We just don’t know what’s right. We just know his behavior is too much for my mother, she’s said repeatedly she, “Can’t take it any more." My father is 85 and mother 83.
Queenly wave optional.
When you realize that his brain and functioning has changed, you will understand that the primary objective is to keep him as calm and even emotionally as possible. The way (or one way) you do it is to tell him he's going for a drive (,,, to where depends on what works best ... to visit a friend (his or yours)... to lunch ... to a museum ... to a garden.
Go to TEEPA SNOW's website and watch some of her videos. It will help you understand how to talk to your dad - for the best way for him.
It hurts. You have lost the dad you know.
Understanding that he is a different person inside (his brain, perhaps not his heart***) will help you feel 'better' knowing you are doing what supports him the most.
*** My client who has advanced dementia responds to me with a smile and emotionally 'moved' when I tell her I love her. I gave her a kiss on her hand today and she gets it. She knows she is loved. She talks 'giberish' - I never know what she is saying to me although I respond as if I do: "I understand ... I'll have to check into that... Once in a while she will actually respond to me. I say "Hi M" and she says Hi or something like that.
Telling your dad that you love him will matter and make a difference.
Learn to 'speak to him' without many words. Tone of voice, touches, smiles (you can learn all this on Teepa's website).
My heart goes out to you.
Gena / Touch Matters
I told her Sunday night, hubby and I set up the apartment on Monday (while caregivers were here with her which was sooooo helpful) and Tuesday I had her over there for lunch.
She was NOT happy. Cried and cried. Until the caregivers came and they did so much to pull her out of that. She's a people pleaser so she didn't want to be a big baby laying in her bed crying all day when she had company! Anyhow, she has adjusted pretty well and forgiven me for making her move.
I did not tell her almost exactly the reasons you are being told. I know she would have argued with me, cried, bargained, tried every trick in the book because I knew from prior convos that she was NOT interested in moving to AL. I knew she would ask me the same questions over and over and over and I just can not stand that dementia behavior so it was best for both of us for that to be avoided.
So, it's not a perfect solution but it's the less problematic choice.
I agree your mom should not be a witness to all this hoopla. Can she go somewhere to be with a relative or friend?
I would hire an ambulance transport (not the same as calling 911). They will be able to handle it.
I was an in-home caregiver for many years and have seen every kind of dementia. It's never the right decision to tell someone something like they're moving or some other bad news. All it does is upset them then they don't remember why they're upset. This can often lead to setbacks for them that makes caregiving for them even harder.
I recall when an elderly dementia client of mine lost her husband of almost 60 years. I put a sign on the front door saying that she has dementia and if you're visiting to please not pay your respects or offer your condolences. All it will do is upset her and it will be like she's hearing it for the first time, everytime.
Well one friend with zero self-control who maybe saw these people once or twice a year, had to come in crying and offering her condolences.
My client got hysterical, crapped her pants, and lost the ability to feed herself for almost a month. The upset really set her back.
You could tell your father they're going on vacation. Or that the house needs renovation so they (your parents) are going to stay in a hotel while the work gets done. Tell him anything that will minimize the upset.
Just don't tell him in advance.
also first I heard “benevolent trickery” - appreciate your perspective
You “just know that his behavior is too much for” your mother. She too deserves peace and safety. You have been told by trained care givers who know your father that it is not in HER best interests for him to be told.
Sometimes the care of someone with dementia requires decision making that is not comfortable or pleasant for any of the people concerned, but yet absolutely necessary.
If you can access a mild, calming medication from one of your father’s doctors, it may help.
It will be very difficult for all of you, but the end goal must be to get him to the new facility, and leave him as quickly as possible in the care of those who will be caring for him.
Remember as you move forward, that you are all working towards doing the best you can. No one can ask more of you.
Wishing you the best outcome possible.
The bottom line: Based on my mother and what I observed when others were moved against their will, you should expect some change in your father - anxiety, depression, anger, and/or some other negative emotion(s). That being said, while each situation is unique, I disagree strongly with anyone who says, "he won't remember" so don't worry about it. He may not remember in the sense of being able to verbalize to you what is going on. However, people with dementia still have feelings and the vibration and resonance of a situation make an imprint.
Best to you all.
On the day of his move, I agree that your mother should go ahead and then he can be told that he's going to see her.
Our dementia counselor, whom my husband hired to help us with his dad, calls it "benevolent trickery."
You may feel as if you should tell your dad ahead of time but I don’t see the point of telling him early. If you tell him earlier, he will get upset. Then your mom will get upset too.
I would also ask about meds to help with anxiety. Reassure your mom that he will be properly cared for.
Allow an ambulance to transport him. If he does get upset with EMT workers, they will know how to handle it.
Transitional times are the worst! When the dust settles, you will see that you made the best decision.
Wishing you peace as you move forward in this difficult journey.
Why would you want to torture him so you can feel better about things?
My usually cooperative mother tried to wrest the steering wheel from my husband in our car. Dementia makes people unpredictable and safety is paramount.
So sorry. This won't be without angst. It is something you simply have to get through to get it over. There's no way around it.
Poor guy, what a sad way of spending the rest of your life.