Its only been since June 7th that my mother passed, but I have no friends (3 died). Went to 2 senior centers, tried to have conversations, & volunteer for stuff. At the first place, people barely responded & did not smile. Second place had very nice people but the person in charge of volunteers said she didn't need me: (later I was told she didn't like my ideas & just didn't want me to come back). I feel terrible that these places have been so heartless. What do you think? I feel like I did something wrong, but was nice to everyone I met. Not sure what to make of it...thanks.
I liked the many and various answers on staying connected through volunteering.
We are all so unique. We all carry with us pain and experiences from the past that shaped who we are today...
I found volunteering to be of a tremendous benefit to the receivers as well as to us, the givers.
I have tried helping at a food bank,
assisting with office work, packing food for “Food A Thons” but it was not for me. It did not touch my heart...
I wanted to be with a real person for whom I can directly become a sunshine... ☀️🌈
My trying, brought me to an adult quadriplegic Center. Bringing flowers, listening to their feelings and thoughts, playing a domino game or a game with cards gave them, and me a good feeling of satisfaction. Giving joy to someone automatically uplifts my spirits.
I found my satisfying volunteering match which I still do for the last 15 years 🤗
As the answers on this forum indicated there are so many varied opportunities for each one of us in order to make a difference. Try different ones until your heart
feels “ at home”. 🏡
Stay as much connected, or as little connected as you are comfortable.
There is no wrong way to go about it. There is no formula. Be true to who you are and what you need.
As a Volunteer YOU are very valuable when you discover the right opportunity, which will be a win- win situation.
You have been a Caregiver for others. Now,
BE A CAREGIVER FOR YOURSELF
one step at a time.
Your guardian Angel is guiding you❣️
Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving.
Did not mean to cause you or others any confusion by posting a hello to Tiger55, who has left the forum and become Anonymous828521.
When people leave, they are still a part of the caregiver family. Often, they are reading, following along, and have considered returning but hesitate.
By reaching out after they are gone, some have returned to rejoin us, or to just say a hello and give a brief update.
You did fit in here, on the AgingCare forum, but you left us.
Hoping you are feeling well, and that if you are in the U.S.,
have someone to celebrate Thanksgiving with and something to be grateful for.
So sorry that losing your Mom was so recent a loss for you.
Happy Thanksgiving!
What's up with you tonight?
I had a similar experience as you once-
It was After my father died in 2005
I lost my identity completely-
I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror anymore-
I forced myself to take a free seniors computer class- but everyday it was just emotional pain in the background of everything I did-
By chance there was a group of ladies in that same class--that were part of a grievance group that met once a week- -id sit around at lunch and listen to them while they talked about their loss-
One lady lost her boyfriend to illness-
One lady lost her son to suicide-etc.
One day I just exploded in tears at one nice lady-i asked her if the pain i was carrying around was ever going to go away-she reassured me that it definately does-it just takes awhile-
...That class was the beginning steps to rebuilding/building an identity,a life,a daily schedule....for 'me' to follow and heal behind-
I think you are being 'protected/led' right now-and these places you've been just aren't the right ones-
Don't be hard on yourself you are still grieving and adjusting-
You will slowly but surely rebuild an identity- and life you enjoy-and the right friends will come along with it-automatically-
I am an introvert.,I don't really do groups or lots of stuff. And yes, I know downside of it.
Op, maybe give yourself some time to grieve. Just a suggestion.
I am a strong advocate of volunteering. I volunteer with three different organizations throughout the year as well as at various weekend events. I also go to university full time and work 10 hours a week. During Tax season I am volunteering up 15-20 hours a week. Tax season and final exams fall into the same month.
Part of the abuse I suffered as a child was to be told I was unworthy of affection, caring or love unless I was doing something for others, or doing house work. Yup, the crazy amount of volunteering I do, is directly linked to the abuse I suffered as a child. The abuse continued into my marriage with me working 6 days a week, while my ex, 'worked' from home, for 4.5 of the last 6 years of our marriage.
It has been a challenge to allow myself the freedom to do what I want, when I want, how long I want etc. I am in my 50's learning who I am. Joining the quilting group was the beginning of the discovery.
So Tiger, please when looking at how to spend your time, give some thought to what you would like to do, not how you can serve others. You have had a lifetime of doing the bidding of others.
You can go to the seniors centre and not volunteer, just enjoy the activities. You can pick up a hobby, take a class, learn a new skill.
Going back to university was the best thing I ever could have done. I have met people from all over the world, I have made some incredible friendships with people younger than me.
The quilting group has allowed me to explore my creative side, and this spring I went on a trip from BC to Missouri to meet some quilting stars. It was an incredible 9000km road trip and I had a wonderful time.
I am still learning about what I enjoy, what I want to incorporate into my life moving forward.
Tiger, this is your time to shine, not serve.
My SIL volunteers at a local hospital as an Angel. She helps in the ER when patients come in alone, sits with them and comforts them, get warm blankets etc. Of course no hands on stuff, but she’s such a kind soul that this is a perfect fit for her and she loves it.
My friend who lost her DH a few years ago, has joined a group called Oasis. They have local chapters but I think it’s national. They have an online catalog of educational classes, and field trips. She’s always off somewhere with them on a bus trip, just returned from gardens in NJ and Pa. Mostly singles, some couples, but always interesting. It’s a very safe way to travel and get your “feet wet” in an easy social setting. You may like to check that out.
Good luck as we try to find ourselves again.
Give yourself a bit of a "vacation" even if it is a weekend away. Be a "tourist" in your own area if you can't get away.
Next..What is it you really LOVE doing?
I volunteer at the Hospice that helped me care for my Husband. I could not have done what I did without their help. (Medicare requires that 5% of the patient cost be filled by volunteers so Hospice needs people to volunteer with patients either in their homes or in facilities but there is office work that also needs to be done)
I also volunteer at a Veterans Transitional Living facility office. I volunteer when the food bank is open. Again I could not have done what I did without the help of the VA so this is my way to give back to a Veterans Organization.
I have met some great people volunteering.
I also attend Support Groups and have gained friendships from the groups. Do I "need" the groups now? probably not but I continue to go because these are now my circle of friends and I CAN help new members of the group that join because I know where they are and what will come. So I still can contribute ..just like I hope I do here.
Do you like animals? Lots of shelters need volunteers
Kids? Boys and Girls Clubs. Schools need volunteers to help teachers, schools and community colleges need volunteers for tutors and helping students that do not understand English (ESL help) and even more gut wrenching..CASA Court Appointed Special Advocate (Guardians ad Litem for children)
Any group that you volunteer with that does not want you, does not treat you well, does not deserve your help as there are hundreds of other places that will welcome you with open arms and hearts.
If you enjoy working with children, another way to help is The Boys/Girls Club, a scouting group, or even a preschool as a substitute teacher.
I used to work at an indoor pool and we had a Silver Sneakers program for both water and land exercise classes. The classes were paid for through insurance and it became a social group for those who attended regularly.
Also, maybe look at groupon.com to try out a potential new hobby. I am going to take my family for a glass blowing class to make Christmas ornaments - there's a great deal on groupon in my area.
Also, please be patient with yourself as you navigate this new chapter in your life. When my dad died, a friend gave me the advice to be as kind to myself as I would be to a good friend.
All I can tell you is keep trying because you will find something; Somebody will see your good qualities and want you on their team!
The ones that didn't want you it is their loss. Keep your chin up. You'll find something.
There is some great ideas here for you!
Hugs!!
Some volunteer work can count as employment on a resume. There are some programs available that pay you as a Senior citizen or someone re-entering the work force. I am an 85 year old woman and they still need people like me.
Don't give up and please do give yourself some time to grieve. You not only lost your parent, you lost your job. No wonder you feel adrift. ((hugs))
I'm not the type to volunteer at a senior center. Often seems too clicky to me, but they work well for others and they sometimes sponsor day trips by bus.
You will find something...lots of opportunities.
I did not a soul in the group, which meant nobody knew about the ugly divorce I was going through. I had not made a quilt in 25 years, but wanted to start again. It was quite wonderful to be me, not a mum, exwife, etc. It was a good option for me because it had no links to my past life.
Tiger, we have discussed being raised by abusive parents, even once they have died the abuse remains. Please continue your therapy during the grieving process.
A group of my high school friends reconnected on FB and meet every couple of months for a dinner. Interesting enough, we all have or are caring for aging parents.
There are also some book clubs on FB where everyone reads the same book and discusses it online. I'm a reader and a techie so something I can do from my home (where care giving or my asthma often pins me these days) is useful for me.