I came across this forum, and found many useful threads.
My question isn’t urgent.
How to explain?
I (I’m sure it applies to most of us) am constantly nervous, stressed, worried. (I’m a calm person generally).
I worry about the next message/phone call/emergency.
It’s hard to totally relax, switch off.
I care for my elderly mother. I’m an only child. We don’t live together. She has live-in carers in her house.
The major problem is falling.
The house is as safe as it can be. As we all know, not all falls can be prevented.
It’s very difficult for me to focus on my work (constant worry).
It’s not possible to prevent all the accidents.
I can try to switch off and say to myself: I’ve tried my best; I now need a mental break, even if accidents happen (I hope not); switch off my phone for some days.
Of course I continue to care. I just need to switch off a while.
(The reality is that when I help, together with the carers, my mother will get much better care at the hospital - when there’s an emergency. I speak with the doctors, etc. If I disappear from my phone some days, and she must go to the hospital, the carers will do their best, but it won’t be as good as if I help out).
How do others manage the stress/worry, when you’ve already created the best possible, safest environment (nothing more to improve)?
Thank you very much, in advance! Really.
I have a bed alarm and a baby monitor that I carry with me everywhere I go at home so when she gets up, I can get to her and try to prevent a fall. This in itself is a chain. Stressful.
At night when I hear her voice call me when I'm sleeping soundly, it's like an electric jolt. I literally experience adrenaline rushes as I get out of the bed. Stressful and unhealthy.
My stomach stays in knots waiting for the next issue to arise, and it's always something with a 95 yo frail person.
So there are days when I literally think I can't continue. Some days I just gut it out. With the help of the Lord - my faith - and determination to keep the promise that I made to her years ago when I had no idea what would it would entail, I carry on.
There's lots of advice to take care of ourselves, and I do the best I can. But when you are caring - and in some ways living - for two people (myself and my mother), someone is going to get the short end of the stick.
There just isn't any way to care for an elderly or disabled LO without experiencing any stress and it takes its toll. Peace and (((hugs))) and blessings.
"Peace and (((hugs))) and blessings."
To you too, of course!
"My stomach stays in knots waiting for the next issue to arise, and it's always something with a 95 yo frail person."
EXACTLY.
"There just isn't any way to care for an elderly or disabled LO without experiencing any stress and it takes its toll."
So true. But we must find a way.
Our mothers don't want us to be destroyed. (Some mothers do).
"someone is going to get the short end of the stick."
Please - and I'm saying it to me too, to everyone - please don't take the short end. There must be a way. We weren't placed on Earth to be sacrificed: I think then we've misunderstood life.
HUG.
Repeating BarbBrooklyn's words I just read: "You don't raise up a child to be your servant; you raise them up to go out into the world and pave their way."
Where can I get your book, Venting? I want more chapters.
I am an only-child with a 91 year old mom who lives in Assisted Living, 3 minutes down the road from my home. I pick her up for dinner every day; we play Scrabble together after dinner. She has some days that are good, and others that are meh.
I am married, two boys- (21) and (16) who help me and show tremendous grace and love, as they emulate what I project.
She has Parkinson’s, arthritis, —bottom line—she is old. I can’t fix old. You can’t fix it either. My peace is in accepting what is.
She had a mild heart attack in May and her cardiologist said the hospital visit isn’t helping her. She will not have surgeries or invasive tests or procedures, etc. The hospital was confusing her—lots of noise, constant interruptions, no sleep—it makes the geriatric set confused.
There is no perfect set-up for “old.” Hospitals aren’t ideal, assisted living isn’t ideal and home isn’t either. Try to do the best you can and that is all you can do.
Here is an article I read from time to time (over and over again) and it reminds me of the sheer fact that old is old. I need to live my life and do my best to help my mom live a good one as well. Heck, she made it to 91 and for that I am blessed. She isn’t perfect, but neither am I.
Take deep breaths —one day at a time!
Link to the article-https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm
By the way, how fantastic you play scrabble with your mother!!
Beautiful.
Back to everything you wrote:
THANK YOU.
Old is old, and I can't fix that. Right.
And, I read the article you posted, very useful: stop trying to fix everything.
Rather ----- I better fix things in my life.
THANK YOU. Happy Tuesday!
Take care of yourself, my dear. If you haven't already done so, file your fmla paperwork to relieve some of That stress. Talk to the HR folks about reducing your hours.
Take your mother out for ice cream.
I'll use some of them too! Have an awesome day!
“it’s a state of PTSD in my opinion”
I agree.
And it’s like Pavlov’s dog. In this context: I get small “heart-attacks” every time the phone rings - because 99% of the calls are huge problems or emergencies.
“when possible, hobbies.”
Yes. Currently my favorite hobby is screaming into a pillow. Next, writing about it. Next, trying a different pillow. I have many.
EXACTLY.
“it is NOT my job to keep my mom happy”
Very true. I’ll remember that.
Thanks!
“Good luck!”
Thanks! You too, of course!
"Do you have a hobby that could help you relax?"
Yes:
a. screaming into pillows
b. reading about screaming and pillows
c. buying pillows
d. ...."
You have a great sense of humor! Are you able to find the humor in things? Have you ever noticed how relaxed you feel after laughing about something?
If you are able to still see the humor in life, that is great!
My sister and I lived in a state of “Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop” all the time. To try to get some peace, she slept and I read. I don’t remember what I read (which tells me I wasn’t very relaxed), but at least it took my mind away for awhile. Do you have a hobby that could help you relax?
"My sister and I lived in a state of “Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop” all the time."
I understand.
"Do you have a hobby that could help you relax?"
Yes:
a. screaming into pillows
b. reading about screaming and pillows
c. buying pillows
d. ....
I might need to get new hobbies.
https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/
I learned to meditation through a class at our local hospital.
Please don’t take my words literally:
I’m not literally constantly stressed out.
(some people suggest I take medicine) (it’s not like that)
I work. I exercise. I read books, watch movies, have conversations. I’m able to think of other things. Enjoy. Relax.
THANK YOU for all your suggestions and empathy!!!
We will get through this in a good way!
I wish you to overcome this stress.
We’ll make it. We’ll find a way.
I myself simply switched off my phone. Holiday.
I don’t want any stress for a few days. Just focus on my life.
So glad you’re less stressed now, can enjoy life more!
I look forward to saying the same.
After that, for a better you, clock out from…pick a daily 12 hour stretch.
Go for a bike ride, or a swim. Breathing exercises, and/or meditation may help. Or just put your feet up and close your eyes for 15 minutes when you feeling (unhelpfully) whacky.
Or if you're like me, comfortably cinch up, put on some peppy music and dance around (sing?).
At least put on your favorite music.
I understand you.
And you understand me completely:
“I dreaded every phone call, because they only called when there was a problem.”
Precisely.
The phone (message or ringing) gives me (metaphorically) small heart-attacks.
It’s always bad news.
A few days ago, my dear mother called me. I answered, expecting something awful.
Actually, she sweetly just want to say hi.
I explained to her, I was very happy to hear her, but that every time I hear the phone, I almost get a heart-attack (because it’s always some terrible news).
She showed me lots of compassion/empathy, said she felt so sorry I go through that.
We now agreed that she can call me to say hi — but for bad news, she must call ER or caregivers.
This way I know that when she calls me, it’s just to say hi. Nothing to worry about. She agreed.
Hugs to all!
No. Otherwise I would have done so.
Like many of us, we’re on our own.
Thanks for your sweet message!
“You need some downtown time to maintain your health and sanity. That anxiety is very hard on your body as well as your mind.”
Exactly. Yes, thanks!
"when the elderly are involved the life gets sucked out of you its a constant battle and its never uphill."
Yeah...
My compassion to you!
Let's find ways to relax. Live our lives.
As others have stated exercise helps. I’m sure I should medicated but I just haven’t taken the time to do that for myself.
Another thing that’s helped is tapping therapy. Google it, I thought it was bull but if I’m so anxious that I feel like I can’t focus I do a tapping meditation and it does help.
We are many, in the same situation of daily worry.
I simply turned off my phone. Totally.
I need a break.
I try to squeeze in some quiet time during my day and maybe for an hour put your phone on silent. Constantly waiting on the phone to ring is a big stressor.
Your mom has a lot of help. You hired them and they may not do care the same as you but mom is well cared for. Trust them.
Get some green time everyday and enjoy the beauty of nature.
Some herbal teas are very relaxing. My mom swears by lavender chamomile for her anxiety.
Breathe!
Thank you everyone!
"Get some green time everyday and enjoy the beauty of nature."
Indeed!
"maybe for an hour put your phone on silent. Constantly waiting on the phone to ring is a big stressor."
Completely off, for some days.
I need a break.
sending biggest love for what your going through
i go through the same
I’ve posted a few times about my elderly dad. He went into respite, still had falls, still ended up in hospital. His needs have increased and is now in a nursing home, still has falls. he now has covid and I’m constantly worrying about if the carers at the home will strap his catheter leg bag properly, will he eat will he drink, etc. I know it’s anxiety. The logical part of my brain says he has a team of carers and nurses looking after him 24/7; they are better trained than me and deal with this every day, The rest of my brain is in a cycle of worry and guilt.
it’s not humanely possible for us to be alert, vibrant and strong 24 hours a day. We need to sleep for a start. We can’t be the best advocates for our parents if we are not in good health. Talk to your doctor, take some time. You’ve said exercise helps which is fab, can you use work as a distraction?
take good care
xxx
i go through the same”
THANK YOU.
Sending love to you, too!!
Yes I work (not to distract, but because I must work).
Yes I exercise a lot.
Love to your father, you!!!
Hugs to you too!!
“Give yourself a break.”
Starting right now - even a break from emergencies. Some days.
Recently neighbors were playing outside, one ran to catch a ball and almost knocked my father over. If my father falls forget it! I worry a lot about this.I live in constant fear for his health.
What I do everyday is go for an hour walk. This gets my mind in a different place and benefits my health in numerous ways. I definitely feel better when I return.
I would never turn off the phone. Me and my brother are recently estranged (He now wants me to pay for services that he assumed years ago simply because I moved close by). I have a good friend that I could call on for moral support but they are going through far worse things than I am. I won't hear from them in months, if not years. Rather ever!
Walking an hour a day, trying to do good in the world, treating people with fairness and kindness, eating healthy, no alcohol ever - those are the things that are keeping me together. For now.
See your doctor. Discuss how best to approach this. You may need a mild antidepressant or a mild medication to take as needed (be CAREFUL of this option) and you may also need some therapy. Social Workers are best at this, those specifically trained to counsel of life transitions.
Sometime you understand you are in up to your eyeballs and can't breathe. This may mean placement. It may not. But you could use some guidance in ironing it all out.
:)
No disorder.
Just normal worry.
But - I need a break.
I’m able to work. But of course I would work better, with less stress.
Placement no. As Lealonnie below pointed out, it’s the same in a facility (you worry; advocate; get phonecalls).
The amount one worries depends on how frequently emergencies are happening.
Of course you’ll then worry every time your phone rings.
Thanks! :)
“Things happen but they would whether you are there or not.”
Correct.
But I have a different point:
my mother will get much better care at the hospital (and after), if I help.
I’m speaking about when emergencies happen.
(My mother is fine right now).
I need a break however, even from emergencies.
“you need to look after yourself”
Thanks!!
That’s what I’ll start with right now. Switching off phone. I need it.
I wish us all well!