NeedHelpWithMom Asked May 2019
If you knew then what you know now, would you still be a caregiver to your parents?
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This is a tough one! I would not have my mom living with me. I would have insisted that she not waste her money by helping useless brothers who never did a good job managing money. That money would have paid for assisted living.
I would not do it again. I do love mom but this damaged our relationship. It puts a huge strain on a parent/child relationship. It’s too much pressure on the caregiver. It’s too hard for the parent to allow the child to have the upper hand. From what I have seen many times over, parents don’t want children telling them what to do, even if it is for their benefit.
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Have they lived with you full time? Part time isn’t nearly as bad. Manageable and there are breaks. Full time is a killer! Don’t think anyone chooses that of their own free will unless they like to self abuse themselves.
My mom and I were always very close and I have kind of taken care of her for many years before she was diagnosed with Dementia. After my dad passed away she leaned on me for advice and support even before I moved her in with me over 10 years ago. Because of these things my situation might be different. My mom and I had already established our role reversal of sorts prior to her becoming completely dependent on me.
As long as I am able to do it, she will be in my home and I have not one regret.
It would have been an honor for me to care for her more than I did as a 10 year old.
I did sort of care for my Dad, again as much as a 10 year old could. I put lotion on his chest and back after Cobalt treatments for the cancer. And watched him slowly waste away.
Would I have wanted the chance to care for my Mom, my Dad my Grandma you bet. But I think what I witnessed as a child shaped the type of caregiver that I became.
I truly hope that you find relief soon. It’s a nightmare. I realize no one wants to be a burden to anyone or to have a medical situation but it gets to be too much for others to deal with. I wish you all the happiness and peace the world has to offer. Hugs!
But yes.
If I could do it all over again. I would have asked my mother (and her lawyer) to separate the financial aspects from the healthcare aspects, and agreed to take charge and responsibility for all of the financial, tax, insurance and bill paying things, and tried to have my mother convince my sister (only have one sibling) to handle the medical/healthcare aspects. Why? Because between the two of us, I'm the one with the business/financial/legal background, but never been married, never had kids, not even a pet, and I am more brain-oriented than emotionally oriented.....and my sister, even though she is divorced, is the more nurturing one, with a son and always had a pet. And, it''s not as if I made this up. For my whole life, my mother always said, to me and my sister, and friends and relatives, that I lead with my head, and my sister leads with her heart.
As it turned out, I am responsible, from the documents, for everything. And, I have lost jobs because I had to be on-call for emergencies and leave work, way too often, and my sister has been able to keep her same job for 8 years and save money, while I am going to be broke in 2 years from not being able to work reliably, and now being basically unemployable because of the long gap in employment.
So, yeah. I would do it differently.
As OPPOSED TO WHAT OTHER AVENUE?
Ward of the state? Good luck. There have been so many people, whom, for what ever reason, have done. And the state is fed up.
I actually had to investigate due to a sibling.
I probably could have managed much better taking care of my parents [they were under their own roof, and I was under my own roof] but they needed logistical help, if I was still in my 40's or 50's. But I was over 65 and that wasn't easy. I use to say "who would picked me up if I fell?".
Looking back I should have set boundaries, and stopped saying "yes" out of guilt. The stress had a major toll on my health. I even told my parents that they were going to outlive me.
NeedHelpWithMom, you are so right about parents not wanting their child to give them advice. We are just the "kids" and what do we know :P I had to use plenty of "therapeutic fibs" to get my parents to do things that were important. Example, their Will was older than dirt, so I told Dad that the way the Will was written the Gov would get half the assets. Even thought I knew that wasn't true, it did get Dad's attention and he had me set up an appt with an Elder Law Attorney. Whew.
My parents had saved up for those rainy days and it was storming out there. Oh why couldn't they have sold their house and moved into Independent Living? That way Mom would have had weekly housekeeping and weekly linen service. Meals in the main dining room. Transportation to church, grocery stores, etc. And being around people closer to their own generation. What was the huge draw staying in that house of theirs? All it was doing was stressing me and their neighbors out big time. Neighbors would be running over to pick Dad up any time he fell at the mailbox or when he was doing yard work.... [sigh]
Oh yes! I love your reply. Thanks.
Absolutely, we do what we have to do to get the job done. You’re obviously very smart!
I knew my mother favored my brother over me, but I never knew 1) that it was this bad and 2) that she would give to him no matter what he says or does to her. She would literally put herself living on the street just to give him money. She just can't say no to him ever! Oh how both of them hate me sooo!
I would just had done a lot of things differently. It is hard living and caring for a person who never cared for you.
But would I go through those years again? Would I recommend our choices to anyone else? ROFL! - No.
He passed 15 years ago. Mother is still there, after 22 years.
Brother has stated over and over it was the single worst decision he ever made. I have been, off and on, a PT caregiver and I agree. They had the money to buy a small condo and mother has a LTC policy, she could have been living independently all these years. Brother has raised a family of 5 kids with mother there....it just has not been good. His wife does not even speak to mother.
I do feel for mother, she knows she made a bad decision, but what can she do now? I voted 'no' to bringing her and dad to brother's but it wasn't my call.
FIL living with us X 13 continued through his natural decline into old age, and we should have forced him into Independant Senior living right from the get go. The Toll it took on our family, our marriage, was just too much especially those last years until his last major illness (Cancer) and his death on Hospice care, us caring for him, dying in our home.
We still and Always would have been there supporting him along the way, but we definately did him and ourselves a diservice by not encouraging him to stay active and amongst his peers, and which would have alowed us to have better boundries and more control over our own lives. Live and learn, I wish I had found this forum 15 years ago!
It’s such a strain. I get the grief thing too. Often we don’t address grief properly which sets us up to deal with it later. Just hard. Very hard. Doesn’t get easier down the road either. Keeps getting tougher.
1. I would insist on having them fit into my life rather than focus on them living out the rest of their days.
2. I would not move closer to them but rather have moved them closer to me and insisted they use their money to set themselves up in a home where they could age in place.
3. I would have established healthy boundaries from the start and avoided the caregiver burnout and compassion fatigue that compromised my health and mental wellbeing.
Does it make it any less awful or painful for those not in that circle? No.
This is just awful. And I don't wish on worst enemy. You guys who are carrying the mantle of responsibility are in my heart. Strength to us all.
That is just my personal opinion, everyone has their own situation to deal with. I send you love, hugs and prayers to make the best decision :)
Without question is look after my mother. Life is hard you make the best of it. Best wishes too all.