Two weeks ago my boyfriend's mother died from esophigeal cancer. Two weeks before that she was told in the hospital (where she was for a month previous because she couldn't eat anything but liquids because the tumor was blocking the stomach) there was nothing more they could do for her so she came home on hospice.
For two weeks, my boyfriend, his sister and I watched the horrible deterioration of her health. Almost 2 weeks of getting up every hour to give her meds. She was home from the hospital for 5 days before she became irresponsive. Then 8 days of not responding. We basically watched her starve to death and drown from pneumonia. Just within the past couple of days everytime I go to lay down to go to sleep I see images of her laying in bed in her final days so frail and skinny. This was the first time any of us had been there when someone has passed on. My boyfriend and I are 36 and his sister is 33 so we are fairly young to have experienced this. We know we did everything right for her so there is no guilt. I hesitate to talk to them about these images I see in my mind because I don't want to upset them worse then they already are or imbed the image in their mind. The main image I see is when she passed was when she vomited a little and it just sounded like she was drowning and her breathing slowed way down until she passed. It is imprinted in my mind. I am not sure why it finally caught up with me now. I know she is no longer in pain and in heaven. I do have 3 years of good memories with her and try to think of those instead but it doesn't seem to be helping. Any suggestions?
Call around a few therapists and see which one clicks with you.
It can help to move your thoughts from the loop of the dying/death experience with an exercise of "then what happened?"
She was dying and her breaths were loud and agonizing.
Then what happened?
The breaths became shallow
Then what happened?
They stopped
Then what happened?
We wondered what to do next?
Then what happened?
We sat in silence
Then what happened?
Keep this up until you get your thoughts to a quiet peaceful time.
I am no specialist, just a caregiver . In the past two years , I went twice to beeing by their bedside when loved ones passed away ( dad and brother) , I will share with you two things that helped me. The first one I learned at work. I was in a field where some of our staff were exposed to beeing first to arrive on accident scenes or have to assist and stay on the scene . A rule was put in place that we could never let an employee go home , or allow him or her to, if he or she had not had the chance to talk , in private, about what happened on the scene. For major events, we had a list of specialists who could come right away, but even for what would have seem to many, as a minor thing, the rule was that you had to be able to talk to someone neutral who was there to listen. We had employees that were trained to do that in addition to their regular tasks . I suggest that you find someone who can be your listener. Maybe , this web community is a little bit that and I hope you feel that even though we do not meet in person, we meet in our hearts. Some associations have telephones lines or volunteers who can talk with you, maybe you can look at what is offered where you live. The key is to not wait.
The second thing is something a friend said at my dad's funeral. He had just lost his dad and we both had the same very close relationship with our dads. When he arrived at the funeral, he hugged me and just said " with time, it is the good memories that you will remember". My dad's final moments were not what you wish for and these moments and images also were very vivid in my mind at the time. But as time passed, I remembered his words when , as he said, it was the happy things about dad that were getting to the surface. I have nor forgotten the sad, but it is no longer at the front of the emotions.
Sometimes we think we are very courageous, but I think that for many caregivers, the hardest thing to do is ask for help. It is ok for you to get some too and I trust that with all you did and went through, you know that sometimes little things can make a big difference.
Call whomever you dealt with and ask what you need to do to receive the services that come with hospice.
Your friend was right, time is our greatest friend when we experience loss and trauma.
Can I also suggest being there for your boyfriend and his sister, talk about the good times, laugh about the funny things and cry together if needed. It really does help to remember the person before the illness and to talk about them.
Hugs to all of you, it is never easy to loose a loved one, no matter your age.
Again I refer to counseling.
What was helpful for me was to let the other person talk about the great times they had, especially as children, and to look at photos. If there seemed to be only hard family connections, search for an understandable and forgivable reason for them. All of these are such tender links and need support.
I know that the final image may seem relentlessly planted in your brain, but perhaps you can remember her next step and 'see' the release from suffering as well. It takes time and in the end will give you strength because you have been courageous enough to speak up and not deny the pain you feel.
When you are in a heightened emotional state, your brain records sense memories better. This is a basic survival adaptation to help us remember sights and smells and sounds, etc. that are meant to signal when we are in danger. That way, the next time a similar danger is near, it helps our bodies to respond quickly by sending signals to arouse the sensory part of our brains so we react. Think of a tiger in the jungle, stopping to smell and listen and watch for sensory clues about its environment.
Things like lack of sleep, and the general heightened emotional quality of the situation is producing your very normal reaction, and as others have said, it should diminish with time. You can think of it as a kind of PTSD, but not something to worry too much about. If it goes on for a lot longer, or you find you are having trouble coping with it, you can seek some grief or trauma therapy to help you process it.
The way you process the memory, and the thoughts you attach to it (the words that you say to yourself in your head) can make a difference in how you move on. So, tell yourself that it is normal, and it will slowly get better and soon pass. See if you can come up with positive messages to attach to each sense memory. The breath is peace, the sounds are the energy of love flowing from one state to the next, etc. If you need help with this, a grief counselor or trauma therapist can guide you through it.
I thought of myself as lucky to have had the experience of being with my loved ones when they passed. Some people shy away from death and live their whole lives without the benefit of understanding impermanence. How lucky are we who can witness the transition at a younger age! It can deepen our compassion and encourage us to live thoughtfully and intentionally. It can help us see the bigger picture and set aside things that are less important. It can teach us how to love each other and love ourselves, and be gentle with those who suffer, (which is every single one of us in one way or another at one time or another.)
But, the worst of this experience is over for now, and it is good to rest and take care of yourself, and the ripples should slowly spread out and away from you with time, like a drop in a pond of still water. When you have a difficult memory, picture it slowly flowing away while you float in that water. Like all things, it is impermanent too, and you are going to be ok. Lots of people have been there too and are there to help you if you need help with the transition.
Sending you gentle hugs of loving kindness and compassion to help you through!
I don't know if this would be considered a 'healthy' exercise or not, but it worked for me and now when I think of mother, the memories are good ones of when she was alive and vibrant. When I do think of her death- like writing this- I remember the pretty pink nightgown she had on, that she was surrounded by her family, all the visitors she had, and that she wasn't alone when she drew her last breath... comforting images.
Find what works best for you because I think it's different for everyone. And kudos to you for being an outstanding girlfriend- you gave his mom a great gift by being there for her kids and I'm sure she would tell you that if she could.
For me, at the funeral, looking through pictures and talking about her life before alzheimers helped me to put her death in perspective as a few moments in a full life raising children, and being a wife, sister, mother and daughter.
As I've said in other posts, these days we watch babies being born and rejoice. But death is still a Tabu subject, not talked about much, feared, not witnessed and not understood.
I've been both a maternity nurse and a hospice nurse. We pretty much know what to expect in a delivery room and society has welcomed opening up the whole birth experience of seeing your newborn come into the world. No one thinks twice about mom grunting and groaning, leaking amniotic fluid or blood and sweating. It's a happy time and we take it in stride.
Not so with death. The gurgles, body fluids and noises scare us and we perceive our loved one in distress. Most times it is their body doing its natural thing to prepare to stop functioning. We have such mixed emotions dealing with the permanent separation, that we are at a loss to emotionally handle normal bodily functions during the dying process.
It's hard to comprehend death, WE still exist but the loved one has come to their end. Even animals of the same species stop and ponder a dead member.
Maybe this was your first witnessed passing. Your brain may need to play back the scene a few times for it to make sense. It will seem more "normal" as time goes on.
If you are bothered by this recreation in your mind for longer than a couple of months, it may be useful to speak to a counselor. I believe that any hospice would open its counseling services to you even if your boyfriends mom wasn't in hospice.
Maybe check out some info on death and dying on the internet. It may help with your perspective.
The Bible refers to death as "sleep". We will awaken in Heaven. I hope you can process what happened and be comforted and carry on.
God bless you.