I do not know how/when to let go of caring for 85 yr old mom with early moderate dementia. I moved her in with me, have spent thousands to move her 146 miles by myself, withdrew money from my 401K, put myself into debt, take her to all of her doctor's appointments, do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. She receives excellent reports from her doctors and is living well... BUT the constant harrassment from 1 particular 60 yr old siblings is killing me.
This job is hard enough, I also work full time and my mental, emotional and even spiritual health are being threatened. My sister has been irresponsible in life, made terrible choices, blames mom for EVERY mistake she's made in life, has no job, savings, 401K, can barely pay rent (with government assistance) on a studio apt she's been in for over 30 years. She is now trying to pretend she "loves" her mother so much and continually harasses both of us. She is a sociopath who lives in an alternative reality and wants mom to move out of a nice townhouse with me, where she has her own bedroom, bathroom gets driven everywhere by me.. to help HER get a 55+ senior apartment since she has NO credit, NO job and negative employment history. She is an opportunist who only cares about people as far as she can use them. Mom CHOSE to live with me and is thriving BUT when my sister aggravates her it affects her dementia and my health as well. She never had a child and could barely care for a cat and dog she had. She is relentless and determined to ruin this for mom. The only reason I haven't made the decision to give this up yet is the fear of my mother rapidly deteriorating.. but I feel I am deteriorating. I have NOTHING for me and have to live with accusations of using up mom's money (because that's what she would do). Mom has more money in her savings account than I do and more money monthly than she had before she moved in with me. I have always worked hard, paid my own bills, traveled domestically and overseas without ANYONE'S help.
The lies hurt and anger me. This jealous, evil "sister" has hated me (the baby) since I came in the world but found a way to use me and benefit from me when I was younger.
I slowly began to dissociate myself from her years ago but now she has had access to me through mom since she lives with me. She is a liar, a thief and a manipulator who spreads lies to make herself feel better and has turned family against me. I do not EVER want her in my home again. How do I continue to care for mom while guarding my spirit and my peace? I feel trapped, like weights are shackled to my feet.. BUT I have put so much effort into keeping her healthy and feel if I give up she will decline. I should not be hated for loving my mother.
"This job is hard enough, I also work full time and my mental, emotional and even spiritual health are being threatened"
"I go above and beyond.. but am definitely burnt out. I am naturally a very optimistic, resilient person. The problem is she can be negative, depressed and complains a lot.. which can be draining to me.. I am now trying to get her in a Senior Day Care and some Home Health Care assistance."
"...feel like I'm going to go bankrupt caring for my mom (with dementia) in my home."
"...withdrew money from my 401K, put myself into debt, take her to all of her doctor's appointments, do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. "
In reading through your profile and past posts, aren't there more concerns than just your sister?
You have now moved your mother and yourself into a townhouse, and this happened towards the end of 2022? Have you found her Senior Day Care Home Health Care Assistance yet?
If you work FT outside of the home, who is there during the day with your mother?
Why are you bankrupting yourself to take care of your mother? She is only 85.
And don't forget that you are affecting your physical health, also. Aren't MS symptoms exacerbated by stress?
What happens to your mother if something happens to you?
And you have two siblings. What is the older one like? Are they doing anything to help you with your mother? Do they also think you are taking money from your mother?
The OLDEST female has visited and tries to mentally/emotionally torture her... blaming mom because she never conceived, yelling/screaming over any little thing, being disrespectful with vulgar, rude comments and complains about MONEY MONEY MONEY.. Not finding a job, Woe is me all the time. She is not mentally, emotionally or financially in a position to help. I saw my MS doctor last week.. exam went well. It's a miracle I haven't experienced a major flare up.. but I still have to get a new MRI next month.🤞
I had my mom
in my home for 12 years. She ended up driving 151 and 162 miles the wrong way back to back… I had to convince her not to drive. She left the stove on multiple times. So I looked into getting assessments done.
Mom was formally diagnosed with dementia in 2020. In late 2021,
three siblings had a dr reverse the diagnosis and claim it was just cognitive decline not dementia and promptly they opened up credit accounts to the tune of 42k in a couple of months in Mom’s name. Mom was upset as she had some call about debt. So I asked if we could pull her credit together and then I saw the accounts had been opened.
I filed for guardianship. I was already the poa. I won. But then all hell broke loose… harassment by cop via made up reasons to stop by the house. I talked to all of the police and they finally stopped coming by when the calls would come in.
These lovely older litter mates wrote to the court and said I don’t feed mom. Or allow her access to laundry, personal
hygiene or sleep
hygiene.
The court however fully vetted me and I became the guardian. I let them all know they are not welcome in my home ever again via the court hearing so it’s of record.
Mom can visit them or they can come to our state and stay in a hotel or air bnb but not in my home.
I finally filed to be removed as guardian as the harassment has been harrowing and has adversely affected my own health in terrible ways.
Now, I’m answering to complaints to the court about my guardianship, more accusations of wrong doing. I have had to meet with court investigators even though I am not even the guardian anymore.
Mom has since been admitted to assisted living. My countenance is better in the last four months since she moved.
Last week, I logged in to the bank account to pay moms rent (still her POA) and there was a check written by mom to one sib. Mom doesn’t understand who her bank is. Mom didn’t even have checks. They changed my password a couple
of times on the bank website and ordered checks. I learned that this week and opened up an IRS elder fraud case. I am hoping I can be removed as poa and appoint someone else and see how that person handles the harassment.
The biggest issue that has been uncovered in this process is that mom’s money has been accessed over and over. In the 12 years mom lived with me, we never charged her a dime for anything and with her income she had she should have had a decent nest egg but literally had nothing. So
its clear they were all on the take.
The hatred of me and accusations never occurred in the decade prior to filing for guardianship so I know it was all money being shut off that was the catalyst for the harassment and abuse.
Take care of you. You matter.
Caretaker compassion fatigue is real. There is a government study in the US about caretaker suicide rates.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35696056/
I suggest getting a space for mom in AL and then give distance for your health.
good luck. Stay strong. You are not alone.
here's the quote:
❤️🙂
"You seem to be on your own path. Unfortunately, there's a 'socio' in front of it."
You also need help negotiating some serious family issues, let alone the issues that are directly involved with caregiving.
People often come to Forum asking help of other caregivers (which is what most of us are or were) with issues that truly require expert advice of either MD in the case of illness, Attorney in the case of legal documents, or financial advisors, CPAs, etc.
In your case the help of a LSW will be of great value. They are not going to be interested in all the Freudian malarky, but rather in the day to day of your situation and they are well versed in dealing with life transitions, family relationships, available help and support for the caregiver.
I wish you the best. Your problems are far too complex for me to have any expertise, but the fact that you are using funds that are crucial to your own well being in this manner makes me know you need solid expert advise immediately.
Please seek out some therapy so you can attempt to overcome the issues you have with your sister. To villianize her to THIS degree and say "I should not be hated for loving my mother" yet your sister SHOULD be? Work towards finding and maintaining some level of a peaceful resolution here, for moms sake.
Best of luck to you.
She USES your Mom, and she villainizes you to try to make you look bad, because otherwise compared to you, she does indeed look very bad. Typical. Hopefully, you can cut contact with your sister. Those who have bad siblings know what you're going through. Those who have no siblings (an only-child) sometimes don't understand.
What plans do you have for being reimbursed? Not sure how the siblings can accuse you of stealing from mom. I hope someone responsible is her POA. I hope that you get things worked out