Our marriage hasn't been good for decades. I can't say I didn't love my husband at one time because I did but that was decades ago. He was controlling, mentally abusive and cold back then.
When my husband was diagnosed with dementia in 2017 I wanted to keep him home with me to care for him. However he's been so mean, sarcastic and hurtful. He's just plain nasty. He's always been a very cold person. He drives everyone that loves me away. If I take a walk he questions me where I've been. His dementia started in 2013 but has progressed. When I ask whether he loves me or not he says yes. I feel nothing. Out of respect for the 50 years together I wanted to make sure he's taken care of with respect and love, hopefully under my watch. It's getting impossible.
He's 79 and I'm 68. He's been professionally diagnosed by a neurologist. He is on meds. He no longer showers, changes his clothes, has delusions, and is paranoid. He now is lying as well. He refuses to acknowledge he has dementia, rather he says he had a stroke which is true. He had 2 mini strokes. I literally am alone with him 24/7. I wait on him hand and foot.
I'm tired, feel unloved, used and abused. I'm done. I want to find some happiness before I die. I've never seen anything like my situation on this site. Is there anyone else out there in my situation? Am I a monster? Can I still care for him even though I want my freedom? Help me please.
How often do you get breaks?
Is your financial situation reasonable?
Is James in your home, too? If not, how are you caring for him?
Do you have any other younger relatives local to you?
Blessings to you.
I think even for those with loving relationships, when something like dementia comes the person is often transformed, and while still looking like the person they love is in fact not the person they loved anymore. They lose someone who is still living.
In your own case you were hanging in there with someone who you were already growing apart from. You are still very young. I would concentrate on making your own remaining years decent quality time.
Does your husband have any family? If so I would have a conference with as many willing to attend and tell them pretty much what you said here, and that you want only a fair and equitable division of your assets.
As to HOW all this works now, if you are unable to go on, to insure your husband is safe, and gets care or wellness checks, I wouldn't even know where to start. Perhaps with a visit to his MD if he has had one long term. I hope others have a clue where you might begin. I am certain you have been thinking about this for some time. It is a very hard decision.
I strongly suggest that you change your situation as far as being alone with him 24/7, waiting on him hand and foot. NO. You need regular breaks.
Since your husband has been diagnosed by a neurologist, it does not matter if he agrees with the diagnosis or not. It is likely, at least in my opinion, that he is unable to understand or remember the exact situation. That's OK. It is what it is.
Please find some people who can come in to your home and stay with hubby so you can go out on your own and do something for yourself. Go for a walk, a drive, out to lunch, etc. Anything, just out of the house, not being a caregiver.
You might also consider if he needs to be in assisted living or depending on his condition, a nursing home. This is a reasonable option, especially when the person with dementia needs more care than the caregiver is able to provide. It's not an easy "job" and is often very thankless.
Good luck!
So, you have two issues to deal with.
I have a question for you to consider: do you think if care obligations were alleviated by say, placing him in care permanently, that you would consider staying in the marriage?, or, do you feel the marriage has absolutely no chance of staying intact even if you didn't need to lift a finger for him?
So, if you feel like you could potentially find a way to stay in the marriage if your carer burden was reduced signifcantly - I would look into those options. You need to look for options, now, anyway - because you are behaving like a machine working 24/7, but you are not a machine, you are a person with needs and your needs are being neglected. You will break down. You have already broken down....
So, both relationships, caring and marriage seem to be in really bad shape.
When I was reading your story, I wondered whether some of his personality issues predate his brain injury - and you've been been absorbing quite a lot of neglect and abuse for a long time? I wondered whether this factors into your state of mind - perhaps it's not just the caring and the abuse in the present time?? Some people who have had very good positive memories keep them going... if the memories of the past are not positive, it makes it doubly hard to find something to hang on for......
Your last sentence, can I still care for him and have freedom? Only if you put significant care arrangements in place very very soon, and you are able to get away completely from the caring role several hours a day. Or, several weeks a year in a residential care facility so you have regular, long, proper breaks to recharge and restore.
Ahead of you are worse troubles... It only gets worse. No sleep is a big potentiality if he is awake at night... Lots more things can happen so you need to act now.
So, again you do need to move quickly with the little energy you have left I think getting him into the "system" by organising residential respite (while you take a trip away), or a care assessment will start the ball rolling so you are starting to make links with professionals in the aged care and social work system who will help you. You need to start the ball rolling, even if you don't have a particular direction in mind. I think JUST GETTING STARTED will be a big help to you.
Good luck.
Explore with lawyers whether a divorce might be advisable to preeerve your retirement assets.
Many are in this situation, few are brave enough to admit it.
I would think that a divorce or legal separation would require your husband to have an agent of some kind. Is a person diagnosed with dementia able to direct an attorney to act in his interest? It seems to me that any legal division of property would be expensive and complicated because the courts would want someone to act on your husband's behalf.
I'm very sorry that things are what they are. Many hugs to you...
https://www.warrencountyny.gov/ofa/contact.php
The phone number for Hamilton County is 1(888) 553-4994. Office hours are listed as 8 AM to 4 PM.
giving some care alongside trained professionals. You MUST take care of yourself first. Best of luck...
Another alternative is put in him psychiatric care -- if you feel he is a danger to himself or others you can get him Baker Acted and they could put rearrange his medications. There is a possible chance his behavior may alter for the better. I said a chance. No guarantees. The biggest plus are SOCIAL WORKERS in the hospital.
I don't think you should care for your husband at home anymore. It is not about your physical ability to care; its about your mental and emotional health in caring for a very abusive personality. With dementia, the paranoia gets worse and the "social filters" on speech are removed. If he is so verbally negative, it may be hard to find home health aides to care for him in the home and give you a break. The verbal abuse will not go away but only get worse. It seems he needs care in either an assisted living facility or memory care unit. Both are rather expensive, but medicare and medicaid might help pay for them. Ask the elder lawyer about this.
Ask both lawyers what would happen to your husband should you divorce him and take half the assets from your marriage. - that is all you can expect financially. If you leave the marriage, you also do not have the right to decide on his care. Do you have children from this marriage that can assume responsibility for decisions on their dad's care? They should be brought in on the discussions of his care as well - if you decide to leave. If not, he will probably have a legal guardian appointed if you divorce and this person will decide on his care.
You would probably be happier if your husband were not in the house at all, but I don't know if you can force placement in a facility. If you hired home care, you would still be subjected to your husband's unpleasantness when you were home.
Do you have the resources to rent an apartment for one of you so you didn't have to share the living space? Would your husband's personality run off a lot of hired care givers?
You have shared a desperation felt by many. Good for you for initiating the conversation.
The very worst thing is his being nasty
if he was like this before the dementia will only make it worse. I finally TOLD my doctor that I wanted to put him on an antipsychotic med. he did and immediately things got better. It is still a lot of work and very lonely but his temperament is good. A lot of doctors will say these meds could cause problems but I believe in quality of life
both his and mine are much better now
blessings to you
If he is able to leave the house, adult day care could be considered as a start.
Prayers to you for finding relief and comfort.
I have been caring for her since 2006. 13 years. I am 68 now.
There are resources, depending on your state program.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q0V7xuz1f0
My mother would not sign anything so I am stuck with a lot of no-win situations and siblings on my back.
As for divorce, again a lawyer can guide you. But, if you can, try getting an aide in for a few hours. Being able to leave the house and knowing he is ok might help. Some agencies send aides who can do some light housework.
As others have said, a divorce leaves him free to remarry, and that person might suck him dry. After your experience, you deserve some comfort.
It is a hard road. Good luck.
Hugs 🤗 hugs 🤗 hugs 🤗