My mother abused me most of my life and my father just let her. I adored my dad until she got dementia and his actions made me realise that he had facilitated her abuse so that she wouldn't turn on him, but also because he could never really believe that she was the evil person she was. He bought into her narrative that I was the bad one who was horrible to her mother. My heart was so broken by him, and my mother worked really hard after her diagnosis to badmouth me and break up the last of our relationship. Dad died suddenly in 2021 and I never got to really resolve our issues, although maybe I never would have because he thought the sun shone out of her a**.
When he died it became clear very quickly that my mother couldn't look after herself so I had to stay and look after her which I did until the beginning of June when she had to go into hospital and then to a care home.
I hated every second of looking after her, she was so awful to me, suspicious of me, paranoid, abusive, and just generally difficult. My poor husband and I had to live with her as she needed full time care. He helped every way he could and was often a buffer between us.
I thought that her going to the nursing home would fix things and let me get on with my life but I just feel worse. I feel so tired and anxious, so depressed and sad. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am a musician and I've been unable to make music for months now because I can't concentrate. I'm trying to sort out finances for the nursing home but we are absolutely broke even with the Fair Deal. Please someone tell me this will get better, I just want my life back
The problem is your mother is a narcissist with dementia . Which is like throwing gasoline on a fire . I know it , because my Mom was the same .
You can’t fix Mom, she’s old and ill . You also didn’t make her this way .
Are you speaking with a therapist to sort out this baggage your parents created ? Perhaps a visit to your doctor as well , they may advise an antidepressant that also is used for anxiety for awhile until you can make some progress. You seem stuck right now.
You have hit rock bottom . Get help and it will get better .
You are not required to visit your mom . In fact if you do visit her limit them once a week 20 minutes . If she is spewing venom at you at all you leave , cut the visit short . Come up with an excuse why you have to leave , or tell her you will come back when she can have a nice conversation .
It takes time to get your life back . You will be relieved when your abusive mom is gone.
I’m sorry about the finances . I’m in the US . I don’t know how the Fair Deal works in your country . I googled it , it looks like you may be in Ireland ?
It sounds like you're suffering from some post traumatic stress and anxiety now, after mom left your home. Sometimes we hold up in a stoic manner DURING stressful times, then fall apart AFTERWARDS. That would be PTSD. I went thru that in 2000 after finding my birth family which was very traumatic. My doctor put me on Paxil and it helped me stop crying and feeling so anxious and not sleeping. It allowed me to focus and think clearly again, and get myself together. Why not speak to your doctor about your symptoms and situation and get his or her advice?
Best of luck.
I promise it can and will get better, but you have to want it. Ive been where you are so I know what I'm saying.
For me for starters was learning I wasn't alone, secondly was reading this forum anything that related to my situation, actually answering questions, was and still is good for me. It reminds me where I was and how far I've come, and the fact that I don't ever want to go back there again. You may or may not want to get on antidepressants, that's up to you, and therapy. I'm not sure exactly what country you are in and your medical services there.
I'm thinking you may have some missed place guilt, if you do stop! It's not guilt it's greif. You are grieving. We grieve every loss are parents loose. The loss of freedom, the loss of brain health, the loss of walking. The list is endless.
I also want to say can I borrow your line on the sun shining? That really made me giggle.
I feel like I have more to say but my mind is drawing a blank. So for now I'll leave it at that.
I find it hard to talk to friends about this as they literally can't understand the struggle of being responsible for someone you absolutely despise, and who even though they have dementia continue to be abusive towards you. People just can't relate and then I feel like the monster, particularly when they assume I'm grieving for my lovely mother. I'm grieving for losing 3 years of my life and now being broke in my 40s because of it. Anyway I know it will get better but at the minute I just feel very dead inside
It sounds like you're grieving the mother and father that you've never had, so you may want to talk to your doctor about going on a antidepressant at least for a while until you deal with the tangled web your parents have weaved around you and messed you up.
I think the only way it will get better is when you step as far away from your mother as possible and let the state take over control of her.
Often time those of us that have been abused by our parents have to distance ourselves from them for our own mental health's sake, so we can heal and be whole again.
You owe your mother NOTHING! As in NOTHING! Please don't forget that.
But you do owe yourself and your husband your best self, so please do whatever you need to to make sure that happens.