I picked him and his wife up off the ground for years. Took them to the doctor and hospital every time. He always has been narcissistic and puts me down on everything I do. My grandmother passed several years ago. She was diabetic and severely unhealthy. Tonight my grandfather was complaining about something. And I took advice off this site to just ignore it and not take it personal. He then called me a bastard and told me to go to hell. And said I’m killing him just like I killed my grandmother. I did everything in my power to make sure she had the care she needed. I picked her up off the ground time after time. Same with my grandfather after his mini strokes. I didn’t think twice about getting them to the hospital. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. I can’t handle it anymore. There is no other family or the funds to seek alternative care. I have no friends to talk to or family. I have a uncle that lives in another state but wants nothing to do with his father. He don’t call or anything during holidays or birthdays. So I’m on my own. My mother does what she can. She can’t drive so I’m the one playing taxi. I’m severely depressed and even considered suicide. I have nothing or no one because I take care of my grandfather and his estate. I do not have power of attorney. And if I could manage to save the money to leave. My mother and grandfather would be stuck in the middle of nowhere alone. I’m so upset I cannot even type coherently. After he blamed me for his wife’s death. It made me feel like that was the straw that broke the camels back. I’m beginning to literally hate him. I don’t know what to do. Or how to find counseling. I do not have the money to pay for it. I have no insurance so I can’t even go to a doctor for antidepressants. I guess I’m typing this because I want/need someone to talk to. If anyone is in a similar situation. Please tell your story and how you deal with it.
If you top yourself, your mother is in a worse situation than if you just hop on the bus, Gus. If your grandfather is in a worse situation, who cares? How about you just skip, and phone a welfare agency to look after your mother just before you go. It is a better option than pulling a wave over your head. You are in an unbearable situation, so don’t keep on bearing it!
Look after yourself, yours, Margaret
I am trying to get a picture in my mind of what part of Mississippi that you live in in which you could not find services that could help. My family has lived in Mississippi for almost 50 years and our experience has not been like yours. Several family members have very intense mental illnesses and they have never been treated like criminals and have always received the help they needed. It is my understanding that these services are available throughout the state. A quick search on the internet found several MS crisis lines and websites and the Mississippi Department of Mental Health.
Someone mentioned Adult Protective Services to you and you said that you don’t trust them, and you said that where you live is like a prison with no chance of escape. I understand that living in a very rural area would make it more difficult to get services, but this would be true in any state, but they do exist. I suspect that the “prison” walls started to enclose you at the age of 21 when you first started caregiving for your grandparents. How and why did you decide to do this?
There IS help to be found even where you live, but you are going to have to trust some of the entities set up to help you. Check out those AA/NA meetings again, even if you feel you don’t belong, especially if in the past you might have had a problem with these substances. These groups don’t focus on the substances; they focus on how to live in the world in a better way without them. Don’t let the fact that they meet in churches deter you. They do this because the churches let them use their facilities for free as part of their service to the local communities. The churches have no influence or control over what goes on in the meetings.
Ryan, the situation you describe is difficult, as it is for everyone who comes to this website. Your prison analogy is very apt, but the walls are not real. You have the power to open the door to your cell. I believe that just telling your story on this website opened it a crack. Sometimes we get so used to circumstances that we don’t believe that there is any other way and we remain in our prison, hating our life and hopeless. We see no hope for change.
Please call APS, the suicide hot lines, the MS Department of Mental Health. Go to an AA or NA meeting. Some of these people may fail you, but keep trying. You are worth it. Let us know how you are doing.
Social services can also help you to find access to mental health care such as counseling, psychiatry, etc. There are free clinics in some areas that are funded by grants and/or state funded that help provide these services to individuals who can't afford to pay or don't have insurance.
Hugs, please take care of you and your mental health. If you get to the point of thinking of suicide, please call 911. There is absolutely no shame in admitting when you need help. And please know that you are not alone, and that you have options and do not have to stay in this abusive situation with your grandfather long-term.
Your caseworker once you call social services can also give you some good resources on housing, shelters and the like also so that you can have somewhere to stay while you get back on your feet. Some of these types of places have programs that will help with finding jobs as well.
Please come back here as well and let us know how things go. I'll be praying for you too.
Maybe someone on the forum that has more Mississippi specific information can chime in.