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I would like to get paid so he can stay home and enjoy his life. He would pay me from personal funds. His children want to interfere in our daily lives and control him. What are your thoughts?
I am assuming you have been together some time? If not, family isn't going to be accepting of this with a dementia diagnosis. If you are together some time I wish this had been thought of and addressed earlier. That said, I think given you are partners (my guy and I are AS WELL, with 37 years with one another) it is VERY crucial that you get things done legally and on paper. While he is still competent to make decisions this should be done for BOTH your protections. You will go together to an elder law attorney and make out papers--all of them. Good solid POA for health, medical, advance directives done and POA for financial. He will update will or Trusts and make certain everything will go where he wishes to go. You will do shared living cost contracts as well as caregiving contracts and etc and your attorney will explain legal options.
My partner and I are joined in our state as "Domestic Partners". We have many state benefits to this with California treating domestic partners basically as tho married (can even file joint taxes) while federal law doesn't always. Our Trusts are made ironclad, and must be.
Don't skip doing things legally. I will come back to bite. And it's crucial you do it while he can pass exam with attorney.
You're not going to be able to stop his children from "interfering" in their father's life, so grin and bear it, that's my suggestion. Lots of elders with dementia get taken advantage of by caregivers and others, so it's their job to look after dad.
See an elder care attorney to determine whether an agreement can be drawn up for you to get paid. Whoever holds FPOA for your b/f would have to agree, however, because that person controls the finances. And he'd have to be deemed competent TO agree to pay you a fair amount of money as well.
If the children hold Financial and Medical POA you really have no say. And if Medicaid maybe be involved within 5 years, you receiving money for caring for him needs an ironclad agreement written by a lawyer and notarized. Since your partner has Dementia, he may not be able to sign this agreement because he is incompetent to do so.
By law, unless you hold POAs, you have no legal rights. People living together do not have the rights that married couples do. I so hope you have your ducks in a row because if he passes, you may not have anything and are at the mercy of his children.
My late uncle had two relationships after his wife died. The first lasted 19 years before the gf died, after which uncle embarked on a caregiver/gf relationship for two years before he died in November.
She was under the impression that her 1500/mo stipend plus use of the house would continue. The children moved for immediate eviction. Months of adversarial process ensued. Totally Unnecessary.
I would have him talk to his kids about how having you is better than going into some Al for everyone involved. If he dies at home, that’s an asset that the children, not you, should inherit, It is better to view yourself more as “friend” or “employee” than as any part of this family, which is the point at which you negotiate for your salary and rent be continued for six months or a year. During that time, you handle the dispensation of personal property and the supervision of contractors. During which time you can actually work somewhere else, allowing you and them to part seamlessly when the year rolls around.
NCpartner, it all depends on how long you 2 have been together. If you are a new and a lot younger partner it looks to the children that you are, maybe the term cat fishing him, and the children have every right to be upset.
I'm not saying this is what's going on, but we do get children writing in that a stranger has taken over my days home.
On the other hand some children can really be difficult in a long term partner relationship.
Who is anyone has POA?
Let us know more information when you get time. Best of luck
You don’t provide much info. Who has POA? I am just assuming if he can pay you there is enough money. You also implied kids want control. That does not sound promising. If you read many stories on this forum dementia usually involves sooner or later 24/7. You need solid legal advice. Any contract should stipulate further increases in required care, with additional caregivers and respite for you. Contingency plans if you get sick. And protect or don’t use your assets for his care. What will happen to you after years of caregiving? Think of at least 10 years plan. Does he have enough to pay you?
I worked for a VNA. We had a Client whose wife owned the house before they married later in life. Second marriages for both and both had adult children. She died before him and in her Will he could live in her house till he too passed, and at that time would revert to her children. He paid the bills, upkeep and taxes. Well, he hadva GF who owned her own house but preferred his because he had a/c. Little by little she moved herself in. I was friendly with his DIL. When his health started declining his son told her she had to start moving out to her own house because the house was not his father's. She did not listen. Felt because she wasca GF and now practically living there she had rights. She was told a number of times she needed to move out. Well, he passed. So, the house reverted to her kids. The daughter lived locally and hadvthe GF move out back to her own home. The GF complained that she was kicked out onto the streets to everyone. Our nurses knew better.
What I am trying to say here, is you really do not have a leg to stand on. When he dies, your on your own.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My partner and I are joined in our state as "Domestic Partners". We have many state benefits to this with California treating domestic partners basically as tho married (can even file joint taxes) while federal law doesn't always. Our Trusts are made ironclad, and must be.
Don't skip doing things legally. I will come back to bite. And it's crucial you do it while he can pass exam with attorney.
See an elder care attorney to determine whether an agreement can be drawn up for you to get paid. Whoever holds FPOA for your b/f would have to agree, however, because that person controls the finances. And he'd have to be deemed competent TO agree to pay you a fair amount of money as well.
Good luck.
By law, unless you hold POAs, you have no legal rights. People living together do not have the rights that married couples do. I so hope you have your ducks in a row because if he passes, you may not have anything and are at the mercy of his children.
She was under the impression that her 1500/mo stipend plus use of the house would continue. The children moved for immediate eviction. Months of adversarial process ensued. Totally Unnecessary.
I would have him talk to his kids about how having you is better than going into some Al for everyone involved. If he dies at home, that’s an asset that the children, not you, should inherit, It is better to view yourself more as “friend” or “employee” than as any part of this family, which is the point at which you negotiate for your salary and rent be continued for six months or a year. During that time, you handle the dispensation of personal property and the supervision of contractors. During which time you can actually work somewhere else, allowing you and them to part seamlessly when the year rolls around.
I'm not saying this is what's going on, but we do get children writing in that a stranger has taken over my days home.
On the other hand some children can really be difficult in a long term partner relationship.
Who is anyone has POA?
Let us know more information when you get time. Best of luck
I am just assuming if he can pay you there is enough money. You also implied kids want control. That does not sound promising. If you read many stories on this forum dementia usually involves sooner or later 24/7.
You need solid legal advice.
Any contract should stipulate further increases in required care, with additional caregivers and respite for you.
Contingency plans if you get sick.
And protect or don’t use your assets for his care.
What will happen to you after years of caregiving?
Think of at least 10 years plan. Does he have enough to pay you?
What I am trying to say here, is you really do not have a leg to stand on. When he dies, your on your own.