I am 79 years old and without family except a nephew who lives a 6-7 hr drive away. I use a walker outside my apartment because my balance is poor. If I fall I cannot get up alone due to knee replacements. I've had more than one cancer surgery in the past but am otherwise well and independent (but slow) in ADLs. However, I am so frustrated since I lose things daily (e.g. scattered phone numbers written in scraps of paper (I don't own a desk), my keys, my checkbook. I cannot do simple math nor follow my financial affairs on a computer, let alone compile everything for my tax accountant! I'm well-educated and sometimes I speak well, but often cannot recall familiar words or whom I've spoken to lately or regarding what.
It all seems alarmingly like Alzheimers to me. I'm a retired RN and have some professional knowledge in this area. I also failed the "clock test" a few years ago, but never followed up as I was advised by a visiting nurse whom I can't remember. Now I'm scared, feel like I'm barely hanging on. BUT nobody else I know seems concerned! Am I really hiding it that well? Or does no one else want to, or know how to, help me? My nephew is on my checking account and has a financial POA which he has never seemed to recognize a need for. I'm afraid of running out of money just to live anywhere.
Can you suggest any plan of action for me?
I use the camera on my phone to take pictures of where my car is parked or my shopping list that I always leave on my desk or in my car. I send reminders to my self via e-mail either to work or home depending on what I need to remember to do where or when. I set alarms and title them to remind me to stop at the store for something or pick someone up if it's not my normal routine.
I use calendars - at work I have a planner and use the calendar and task planner in Outlook as well as a monthly calendar that I track my staffs time off requests. I use the calendar in my phone for all personal and family appointments and at home there is a calendar on the fridge on which we all write our appointments in our designated color. When I look quick I can see that my husband has a medical appointment, the dog needs to have her medicine or go to the groomer, my son is on-call for the week and his GF has an interview.
Most importantly find what works for you.
You are more capable than you give yourself credit for.
knowing that you need to take control of your life is the first step. It is being organized enough to be able to carry it out.
The “notebook” idea is a great one! One with alphabetical tabs to be able to do the organizing for you. I found all my paper “notes” to do things were just piling up and getting lost like you mentioned.
It seems like you are computer literate so can you do online banking through your bank? I have found this to be my absolute savior. I have not written a paper check in almost a year. I no longer feel the need to “balance my checkbook”.
That alone saves me so much frustration.
I do keep both a paper paper calendar and another one on my iPad to keep my schedules. I still have a paper Passcode notebook. But I don’t adhere to a “daily” schedule anymore.
Reading is a good pastime and I enjoy going to my little library. I play solitaire on my IPad. Also read the News there too and check out what the weather will be. My family is very scattered but I enjoy “messaging” them everyday.
In reaching this age, I, like you, am beginning to realize there are more and more limits to our capabilities. It is very concerning. Some are just knowing what we can not do anymore and accepting it.
Anxiety is a a big problem with me. I find that keeping myself busy helps with that. Also keeping myself organized. I know I will need the services of a person who can come in to help with the cleaning will help also.
We just need to start somewhere and keep on going the best we can. Keep all of us informed of your progress and concerns. We all help each other here.
One important thing with memory. Quality of sleep every night is very necessary. Gets harder as we get older. Naps are wonderful too. Medications can interfere with sleep. Also pain and worry. Hope you can get some support people to talk to at least. Try not to worry and make yourself happy. Good if you can find some humor to laugh before going to sleep. I like to watch funny cat videos on YouTube. Good also if you have some friends where you live for company. I do and I am rather popular because I like to laugh. We are all in the same boat so it is good we can accept each other as we are. Best Wishes to you!
Certainly ensure all legal documents are up to date and absolutely get a full checkup. The "Free" Medicare Wellness exam is anything but. Insist on a full workup. Testing for cognitive abilities should be part of a preliminary exam and if deficiencies are noted, it should result in a referral to a specialist. At the least, you will have a baseline.
If you do end up moving to be closer to family, check your MA plan for coverage. This IS one of the reasons one can change plans OUTSIDE of the normal sign up period. You mention HMO, so more than likely you will be outside the coverage area and will be allowed to change if/when you move. Have a good discussion, preferably in person, with your nephew, so you can be sure he can take on your potential needs. IF he has any issues with it (ask him to be honest!), you will need to set up alternate arrangements. A good EC attorney might be able to help/point you in the right direction.
One time I stopped to see my mother on the way to work, I found her in a befuddled state. Needless to say, it wasn't a "work" day anymore. In her case, because of so much focus put on drinking X amt of water/fluids every day, she was drinking too many fluids! Washes out the electrolytes in your system. Diuretics were not helping either. Potassium was the culprit for her. Once they restored her system with various fluids, she returned to her sharper nastier self!
Forgetting where you left items, such as keys, is very common, esp as we age. Keeping them in the same place does help. If you do misplace something, try to work out in your mind the steps you took that day, retracing activities can sometimes "jog" your memory. If you forget a word, someone's name, the name of a movie, I find trying ever harder to recall it just drives it deeper into the depths! Often when focusing on something else, it pops up. Crossing thresholds flips a switch in your brain, resulting in you forgetting why you went there! Silly as it sounds, I read about this years ago and LiveScience has some recent articles (studies) about it - I do KNOW this happens to me! Sometimes when you just throw up your hands and return through the threshold, the thought comes back magically!
Do eat a good diet. Do stay socially active. Do exercise your brain and your body (as best you can.) Word games are good. Maybe see if there are any math games too or practice your old school tables for add, subtract, multiplication, division.
As for documents, using the folder/envelope (and notebooks) are good ideas. I have to collect tax stuff for both my mother and myself and currently my filing system is stacking everything into one room. Means I have to search for it all! I have been trying to put mom's receipts (supplies/meds not provided by the MC facility) in a folder to save some time.
Checking/bank - if you use checks a lot, be sure to take the time to write down each one and how much, and force yourself to keep a tally. Using a calculator is fine. Makes it easier to reconcile with statements. Mom stopped doing this and it took me HOURS to balance her checking account (3 years worth)! I finally got it down to a few dollars and said good enough for now. I had to take it over when she started making errors on payments or forgetting to pay them. Personally I don't use many checks and rarely use cash (that flows out of your pocket too easily and then is difficult to account for where it went!) Most everything I pay by credit, using one that gives me cash back and pay it off each month. Then I can search online for payments made, if I need to. I still get paper statements, so I can search those piles in that room if I can't find it online! I also keep a monthly record of balances and bill payer payments, so I know what the bottom line will be at the EOM.
Stay with us!
But, it sounds a lot like you are ready for assisted living instead of independent living. I know that sounds like a huge step - but it might be a huge relief to have someone else doing things for you.
Good luck, sweet lady.
As far as others not letting on that you are having problems, most of the time they are trying to be kind and they are repeating things to you or helping you without you noticing. I'm sure they have the best of intentions but only you know yourself well enough to judge, so I applaud you for being so aware and for seeking help. I wish you the best of luck.
I have ones for gardening plans, literary research, taxes, medical bills, crafts, tech purchases, phone calls, credit reports, Christmas card lists ....literally everything.
After my sister died, I set up Trust notebooks with sections on assets (house, cars, financial assets), pet fostering or donation, monetary or asset donations, etc.
I expanded that when my father died, with all the legal data related to Trust management, contractors, asset disposition options, etc. Contact lists are included, especially since I'm dealing with more contractors than I have in the past. And given that I've encountered some real jerks and a few nutcases, I add those notes so I don't accidentally call one of the jerks again.
I LOVE my notebooks! And to make it easier to deal with challenging subjects, I cut out photos from gardening catalogues, glue them to 8.5 x 11' paper and insert them in the clear plastic fronts. Then I at least have something lovely to moderate my anxiety when I have to deal with an aspect that I dread, like Trust taxes,
Segregation by category really is a good way to focus on individual aspects and keep notes and stuff separate. And eventually you can either consolidate or eliminate some of the categories.
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I also want to emphasize ALZ or dementia research, ESPECIALLY contributing factors. More research is revealing such factors, including sugar consumption. And sugary foods can bring on mental confusion from a sugar high.
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2018/01/the-startling-link-between-sugar-and-alzheimers/551528/
Work toward a more plant based, organic diet if you can afford to pay more for some of the organic foods. If not, choose plants that aren't as contaminated and toxic as others:
This is an excellent chart for identifying foods most contaminated by pesticides:
https://www.consumerreports.org/cro/health/natural-health/pesticides/index.htm
You might even work with the community management to see if they'll implement a trip to a Farmer's Market for the residents. That's a safer way to shop than by transit bus.
This can actually be exciting if you can view it as a turning point in your life.
Good luck!
Many of the suggestions made, I already do, in that I keep daily notes, and start each day with the date and time, and can refer back to. Also, as suggested, anything which seems important (Appointments, results, password changes for computer PC and TV channel pass-codes like Netflix, etc.
During conversations, I "lose" intended words, so my conversation appears stilted, If my wife of 32 years is with me, she'll fill in the empty words for me. Oh yeah, about the clock test, my NPN schedule me for a Ultrasound on my Carotid arteries (both, I presume checking for possible Venal Dementia to the brain. I had a brother who due to falls had the arteries damaged, and eventually lost it all.
I wanted to offer other helps, as suggested, to let you know I do understand (too well) for some of the other productive suggestion, but being in short term memory kinda of got lost. And yes, we have all those other documents in planning. (DNR (not yet) POA, etc.
I am fortunate in that I have several caring family within a few miles, both here and in our vacation home. Our new-to-us home we downsized to, I am glad we made that transition and not leave it to my kids (bio & step).
Sometimes I wonder if that old platitude "don't worry, everyone gets a little forgetful as they get older!). While my mother was hospitalized, I found people on her ward could still have brilliant minds into their 90's and 100's but whose bodies were falling apart, and those with excellent bodies, were playing with 49 card deck or simply no longer knew the difference? Or worse, the light in their attic had already burned out. (my mom was in care from her fall to the EOL, about 8 years). (Maybe out looking for Where The Sidewalk Ends)
I use humor a lot as a coping mechanism for my self.
Sorry if I over-stepped, but in my anxiety to learn, I also felt I could share as a part-time caretaker and also as an impending patient (eventually). :(
Robert
You did not mention the other legal documents: medical POA, DNR, living will, will... Now is the time to get to a lawyer and have those documents.
You may want to think about what is the best plan for you as your abilities diminish - round the clock caregivers in your apartment (my MIL does this option with her dementia and my BIL manages her care from afar), moving into a phased senior complex that moves residents from independent living to assisted living to total care. Move closer to your nephew. Ask your friends to help care for you.
Immediately, I began my own research on how to prevent or reverse early ALZ issues. Here is a book which is a MUST for all to read so that you can begin taking self-responsibility on things that regular doctors do not yet put into practice or may not even know about....this is the latest research. I have been on their program, followed their advise now for a year. Cognition is better.
Please read and follow the instructions of Dr. Dale Bredesen's "The End of Alzheimer's - The first program to Prevent and Reverse Cognitive Decline."
Be the most important part of the team which heals you! Don't wait!
As others have suggested, keep a bowl or container in sight where you will always keep your keys.
The exercise of saying things aloud is a good one- I do this myself (I'm 56 and forget at least one thing at day, it seems).
As to the memory issues, not sure what to suggest. I've seen ads on TV for memory loss supplements but honestly, taking any kind of drug seems to be rolling the dice (you see an equal number of ads for lawsuits being filed against pharma companies, too.) Maybe time to consider assisted living?
Regarding medical POA, I suggest you discuss your Advance Directives with your doctor. There is a wonderful booklet about planning ahead called 5 Wishes.
Your nephew will need more than financial POA to manage your needs. You need someone to make medical decisions for you as well and have in writing what your wishes are. You need to call him and tell him he needs to come see you because you are getting worse and some serious decisions need to be made. Involve your doctor as well. It is in your best interest to move closer to him so that he can manage all of this. It is not easy to manage someone's care and you want to make this doable for him.
We wish you well and I am sorry you don't have more family to rally around you during this difficult time. Take care.
Here are some suggestions based on my cousin’s and my experience:
1) If you're having trouble keeping up with your finances and need your nephew to take over, tell him; otherwise he won't know until it becomes so obvious that there will likely be some complicated messes for him to sort out. (In the case of my cousin, she just stopped paying bills and started hiding them, so some of them went into collection.)
2) Is your nephew’s name already on all of your bank accounts? I know you said it's on your checking account; if you also have a savings account, you may also want to add him to that, as he may have to transfer money on your behalf at some point.
3) Is your Social Security deposited automatically into your account? If not, set that up, because they do not accept PoAs, ever. Your nephew will have to apply to be a "representative payee" to make decisions about your Social Security.
4) Make sure that if you have investment accounts, they recognize your nephew’s power of attorney. We discovered they did not automatically accept PoAs -- there was an application process that required a couple of layers of paperwork. It got complicated at tax time, because I couldn't get hold of her year-end statements until the paperwork cleared.
5) If you’re ready for your nephew to take over your finances, get duplicates of your bills (or the bills themselves, if you don’t want a copy for yourself) forwarded to his address. It’s very little extra work for me every month to write checks for my cousin’s bills, because they come to me and I write the check from her account (which has my name on it, too).
6) Make sure his name (and PoA and presumably healthcare proxy) are on file with your doctors. And if he is taking over your finances, make sure the medical bills go to him -- a couple of my cousin's doctors didn’t have this information, and by the time I found out there was money owed, they were threatening collection.
7) Do you expect your nephew to use his own funds to travel to your location to check on you? Or do you want him to reimburse his travel-related expenses from your account? (If so, make sure that’s in writing -- it’ll help if Medicaid becomes necessary.)
8) Are you wedded to your current location? If not, you might want to consider moving closer to your nephew. I live quite far from my cousin -- I’m in NY and she’s in Fla. -- and it’s too late for her to move, but she feels extremely lonely. If I could do it over, I would have my cousin look at continuing care facilities near me because I would be able to check on her in person more often, and she'd be closer to family, which she often says she wishes she were.
One other suggestion. There are professionals who will handle bill paying, etc. For you. If your nephew cannot take on the POA responsibilities, then that is an option to consider.
Michael from St. Louis
My guess is the stress of this worry is complicating things, and may even impact scores if you are tested. Clearly you are sharp enough to communicate here (an on the computer!!!) and to have awareness of your concerns.
Even in the worst case scenario, you will be calmer knowing that you can make plans that would make you more comfortable. Assuming you have a good relationship with the nephew I would communicate with him. Find out who the best and most compassionate neurologist is in your area...it can often take a while to get an appt to see the good people. In the meantime I'd find a good certified elder law attorney who charges by the task, i.e. a flat rate for a consult and they can guide you through the process. I'd guess you don't want to impose on the nephew any more than you have to, so doing this "leg work" prior will probably make things easier.
Assuming you are close with this nephew, would you want to consider moving closer to him?
You have a lot on your plate, but things have a way of working out. And as someone else said, if you have a local office on aging (can you call 211, or your local city hall to find out?) they may be a resource for you.
take good care and let us know how you are doing...
Dosmo, so sorry to hear about the loss of your kitty. We recently lost our 16 year old kitty (lymphoma) and I must say I'm having a terribly hard time with it even though I'm not alone as you are.
Look for senior agencies in your area which have referral services for things you need help with at home. Consider part-time in home help for things that are too difficult to manage.
Continue the activities you enjoy. Don't beat yourself up about the games and activities that you find frustrating or confusing. Is there a book club in your area that you could get to? That is sometimes a nice supplement to your reading choices.
Good luck to you and to us. I am likewise on my own in my late 70's and trying to plan ahead for managing life as my own abilities decline.
I'm starting to feel concerns as well....about how I'm going to cope and manage stuff like survival. I cannot rely upon my only child, my daughter who has sternly informed me that she doesn't want to be stuck helping me, that if she has to help me financially, then that will be akin to me taking food out of the mouths of her children....she does NOT want to have to help me, should that day ever arrive. Btw, at this writing, she's not married, no children.... she's just now finished her education, and has been busy at work as a resident doctor, but now she's a bonefide doctor.
I don't know where to turn, especially as I grow older and begin to experience a diminishing of my capabilities. I'm praying day and night to the Lord to take me home very soon. I don't want to burden my daughter anymore than she hates me to become a potential burden.... it's scary when family doesn't want to be there for you, in case you need to be assisted.
Right now, I'm in great health, but having big trouble already financially. Like I said, I'm praying that the Lord Jesus Christ has mercy on me, and will soon deliver me out of this Shadowlands...to borrow from C.S.Lewis. 😃
My anxiety level reduces my NEEDED sleep, my pleasure with homely old activities that I once relished, and positive, comfortable interactions with friends and loved ones.
It seems to me that I have read about some services run by the AARP for seniors with concerns like yours, Dosmo. Personally, I feel more confident about your sorts of questions if I can research them to some extent before actually talking to the humans involved in running them.
I concur with the suggestions previously offered for getting some formal assessment of your current circumstances. Although from your background, you must know, a diagnosis of something as nebulous as cognitive status can cause more concern without yielding information, there’s still a certain amount of security brought by getting more knowledge about what you’re dealing with.
Margaret, I've begun to use a something like your "bag 'n hook" system for remembering important items. It does help! Also my new walker has a neat little bag with extra zippered pockets under the seat which has become a replacement for my purse. And I never lose my walker. Your big envelope labeled "tax info" is what I'm doing now. It will be a relief, if need be, to turn it over to someone else to figure out. And a businessman recently reminded me that it's most likely all on computer somewhere, so misplacing some things is not necessarily a crisis.
As for the clock, I haven't used a digital watch for years. The old "two-handed" type watch face worked better for my job anyway. And I always had trouble setting a digital type watch.
I live in an active independent living facility. They all play bridge, poker, rummikub (?) hand 'n foot etc. Not FUN for me because I can't remember the rules or what cards I've played. Nobody plays Scrabble ( I used to be really good at that....maybe not any longer, I don't know) I can still play Bingo, however, and I love to read! Also, I'll try to get back to word search and crossword puzzles on my own.
My favorite activities used to involve pets. But I recently had to have my 18 yr old cat put down due to diabetes and kidney failure. I still cry sometimes missing him. Maybe I could get transportation to help socialize some animals at a pet rescue. But would I be allowed with my poor mobility? I liked getting outdoors to observe wildlife, but don't know how to do that anymore.
Anyway, I appreciate all your suggestions.
I will make some neurological testing a priority, AlvaDeer. And I'll let you know how that turns out, but don't know how to send you a private e mail.
Dosmo
I lost my "last" little dog last weekend. About 9 days ago. Hard. At 77 I won't get another but will continue to foster as rescue in my home. She was such a sweet good girl, 16 years old, never sick until the last week, and no suffering, just more sleep. Had to have the vet come a week ago this last Saturday. Painful for certain. Have always had pets, both cats and dogs. Hard to imagine no more, and yet, if I am scrupulously honest, an odd relief of one less thing to be responsible to/for. So many passages are tough. Hope you stay in touch on the forum, and I love word search and such stuff. You can play scrabble with yourself, you know! And see which of you wins.
I also like Caroli1's suggestion about hiring a financial trustee, but that doesn't solve your help and care issues. If you have the financial means, you can hire a reputable in-home service (I have used Visiting Angels) to help you daily while you sort things out? Or, can you move to AL now if your community offers it? Wishing you blessings and peace!