I am Just her friend. We've known each other over 25 yrs. (There is a complicated history involving men) We have been in each other's lives more as helpful acquaintances than friends and I've lived next door for 15yrs. Her brother and her are estranged, he lives 2 acres away on the same tract of family land.
I've taken care of her in my home after a couple hospital stays thought to have been from alcohol poisoning but now I'm thinking they were strokes. She Did have a stroke a little over a yr ago but Refused to go to the dr for it. I moved her in with me b/c she couldn't take care if herself. She is Silent most of the time and gives me dirty looks when I talk to her (So used to that). She wishes she would just die. She lives on the couch (she doesn't like bedrooms) and doesn't do anything but watch tv. She uses a Walker and goes to the toilet a couple times a day and changes her wet pants and pullups. I help her bathe once a week (if I'm lucky). I bring her food and drinks. She won't eat my cooking that she used to love so she eats chicken salad sandwiches and chips for lunch and supper.
She Very Seldom talks but when she does she is snippy, Negative, insulting something I've said or done or wanting to do (in my own life). She LOVES to disagree with me about something in her life and gets mad when I prove what has happened. I am a happy person and enjoy life and that annoys her. She agrees to do physical therapy for me such as leg lifts sitting on the couch and practicing standing up, I don't ask much of her, but she will do them like 2 days in a row when I call her on not doing anything to help build her strength. When I've gotten mad at her for being hateful to me she will 'forget' if she has eaten or taken her meds for the next couple days. I realize that she probably does have a dementia brought on by multiple strokes but sometimes it appears to be 'convenient' in her timing.
I guess I'm venting... my poor daughter is usually my sounding board but I've joined this forum to share with others going thru there same things. I asked her brother to take her in but he will put her in a home and she Really doesn't want that. I am her medical and her durable power of attorneys and I Really WANT to respect her wishes but I'm mentally exhausted. She refuses to have Any medical test done. She Only goes to the drs enough to stay on her blood pressure meds and her depression meds. She 'pulls it together' when she talks to ANYBODY but me. We got into it last night and I prayed for guidance and I was lead to this forum this morning. ANY advice or shared experiences would be welcome! Thank you
I think there won't be any right answer for you. Your friend's mental health is keeping her negative. You are doing a great thing in taking care of her as it's not your responsibility. Once you feel like this is outside of your scope, mental health, or ability to continue caretaking, it will be time to make the hard decision to let her go into a home.
We had to do that with my gram last Nov. Now she thinks she's in a motel and says the staff there are great. (She's also on anti-agitation meds, has had to be involuntarily held at the hospital for 3 days to get her medications and housing in order, etc). It's still a long exhausting road to get people settled in\ any type of home, so don't put tire yourself out too early.
I wish you well.
As others have said, the amount of care needed for her will increase and you will become overwhelmed in trying to maintain the level of care needed.
Most people have anxiety about placement which is understandable because it is the fear of the unknown.
Perhaps you can have an objective professional in the medical field or a social worker explain what life is like in a facility.
They can tell her that all of her needs will be met. That way she can’t argue or insult you.
Contact a social worker or facilities to help you find a suitable facility for placement.
Do not feel guilty about any of this. You are not doing anything wrong. In fact, you are helping her by finding the very best care available for her.
You owe this to yourself as well. Your life matters just as much as hers. Get back to enjoying your life.
Don’t be concerned about her brother. Obviously, he isn’t interested in her needs.
Best wishes to you. Take care, dear lady.
So that's answered.
Now another question. She is not your family. You had already a somewhat impaired relationship prior to her illnesses, whether they are alcohol induced or not. Then you chose with all that to move into a position of being her full time caregiver. So my question is "Why are you continuing to do this care? Do you understand that this choice is really in your own control, and no one elses?"
I certainly am no god's answer to a prayer, but it may not be good for you to attempt to continue doing this care. Just my humble opinion. And whatever choice you make for your own life I wish you the very best going forward, and hope for the same for her. She has had a difficult time in life. I am hoping (assuming) there is no longer any drinking going on.
Know when to say Enough is Enough and move on with YOUR life before YOU are the one who needs a doctor and anti depressants. Ask yourself WHY you are taking on such a burden, and then release yourself from it. Immediately.
Best of luck
Her brother is not in contact with her, yet he lives within the same property? Perhaps he is estranged due to her abuse, which she is now subjecting onto you?
Unless she has had MRI and or CT scans a "stroke," is likely to remain a vague guess. Which means your stuck with that friend until you place her into a care facility, which will eventually be a MUST since she will deteriorate your home environment into a 24/7/365 abusive environment.
Your next step is to contact your local Medicaid resource, to start her application, with the intention to place her into a safe environment, where she cannot abuse you nor her son.
I always look for your comments explaining how sick minds work. Love them.