My mother and I have NEVER gotten along, and I can safely say she has never liked me as a person, although she claims to "love" me. My step father died in March 2023, and without even asking, it was just assumed my mother would live with me and my husband temporarily.Temporarily is absolutely not temporary to her. She intends to stay put.It is awkward and tense. She picks fights with me all the time (usually just me, but occasionally in front of my 3 year old granddaughter who I care for a few days a week. she does it when it's just me because that way she can paint me to be unstable and cruel and unhinged if I dare to react, which I rarely do). My husband is miserable and sits in the basement all night to avoid her. I don't see my friends anymore because I feel like SUCH a drag to be around. I cry daily, and I am NOT an emotional person. And ot make it worse, my brother, who is 11 years older than me and with whom I have always been very close, has completely blown me off, and I HAVE told him what's going on. He pretends to care, and then I don't hear from him again for weeks or months, and he lives 10 minutes from me. I need my life back and my house back, and my marriage back because we are a very happy couple. She will not move out, claims she cant live alone (she can) and then gaslights me into just retreating. It's everything I suffered through growing up, but I am 47 years old, and I just want a shot at being happy in the stage in my life where my home is just mine and my husband's, but that doesn't look like it can happen. To be clear, she is not ill (but seems like she wants to be), has financial stability, and appears to be fully aware and in control of herself and her mind. She even brought her dog along who was suffering from pain and illness (from feeding him cheap food, which I fixed) and he has become another of my dogs. She literally does NOTHING and has never done anything to help others. She's a very entitled and judgmental person. So what can I do? I don't want to be the villain here, but my god, I have to stop feeling like this. It's awful and it's taking over every aspect of my life. I don't even enjoy the things I used to love (I write novels, I do yoga, I love nature and outdoors, and my dogs, etc.) I am fried and just sad, which has now morphed into a level of anger I have never known possible.
This post has made me so angry at your mom. Why on earth are you putting up with this a minute longer? And to do this in front of your grandchild. Mom needs out now.
Unfortunatly your state will probably require a 30 day eviction notice because she has been there too long to just require her to leave without eviction.
Stand up for yourself and stand up for your granddaughter. It’s not your concern if she lives alone. It’s all on her. Don’t argue with her. Don’t talk back. Look up gray rock and Google “how to evict a family member without a lease for your city, state”.
Then follow the directions.
Get your husband out of the basement and get back to enjoying your life.
Plan a move out party and invite your friends.
Tell her you will not be back in her life until she has moved out and gotten therapy.
Mean it.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Don't beat yourself up over taking your mom in. That's in the past and you can't change the past. But you can change the future. If you want your life to be different you need to stand up to your mom and force her to find another living arrangement. It won't be easy. Knowing you're in for a major argument is terrible. But it will be worth it in the long run to get your life back. You can look back in 10 years and see all the fun you had after getting your mom out of your house. Or you can look back and see how miserable you were with her making your life hell every daily. I hope you choose joy and freedom. Your grandchild needs you. Do it for her.
Until she leaves I recommend standing up to her. Don't take her bad behavior. It is your house not hers. Stand up to her and you'll feel so much better afterwards.
And I told my mom and my best friend and her mom the same thing. Saw too many just a day or two become resentful decades long hands on caregivers. Save yourself and your marriage now.
Gove mom until the end of the year to find a new place. Stop making living with you pleasant. If she wants a fight, give her one. She is counting on you to fold, so don't. She is not going to change, you have to. Tell her temporary is now over. And if she cant find a place in two months she goes to brother's house.
You know, I'm just sitting here thinking; do we actually love these people or have we been trained to think we do with all of the gaslighting, fake guilt and fear being thrown in. It doesn't sound like love to me if we end up so bitter and burned out on a daily basis. If it doesn't work for the caregiver, it doesn't work for anyone. And, to throw entitlement and attitude on top of everything else, makes it 100'x times worse. You can't bite your tongue forever in these matters.
Give mom a date and get the court eviction date thrown in. Don't fall for tears and I'll do better routine.
You ladies are too nice. With my temper, this woman would be living in the dog house along with her dog!
Oops, I'm not helping matters. LOL
When you sit down to tell her how it's gonna be (her moving out) make sure you and your husband are both sitting across from at the table. It won't matter if your brother knows or is even on board with it. If you need help with finding and defending your boundaries, then consider seeing a therapist to help you through what will probably be a difficult thing.
Your husband and children are the priority, not your Mom. Making her move out doesn't mean you are a monster or you don't care about what happens to her. You are just restoring what is morally correct for your family.
May you receive wisdom, strength, courage and peace in your heart as you make things right.
After caregiving my lifelong narcissist of a mother , I learned to “ own being the bad guy “ . My 4 siblings were fine with me doing it all until I had to place Mom in a facility , yet no one else wanted to replace me . Only one sister who did not live nearby to help , supported me placing my mother .
This type of mother are all the same with the guilt trips and gaslighting . Don’t worry about what she thinks or says to you or anyone else . My mother pitted her children against each other our whole adult lives . Then called us her “ rotten kids “. and said she “ had no family “ . Even after Mom died , we have little communication now , Mom killed her own family .
No matter what you do it will never be good enough anyway.
She will be miserable no matter where she is because she’s miserable and she’s taking you down with her .
Kick her out !! Tell you want to live with your husband only . Tell her this was temporary and she now has 60 days , and offer to help her find a place. Get your life back .
Wishing you the best of luck being The Bad Guy now. I had that role for years and oh well, at least I had my LIFE. As much as I did do for my mother, I had peace in my own home which is what you deserve too.
I have mentioned looking for a place nearby for her, and it turns into a whole blowout. How I never loved her, how selfish I have always been. That it must be my husband who wants her out.
But you're right. It's time to be The Bad Guy. Hell, if I'm already seen as it, what's the harm in proving it? Thanks for the tough love, sincerely.