I have great difficulties enjoying activities and my life in general while I know my mother is looking very bored and lonely in her care home.
I smile less and show less of enjoyment in my life because I feel guilty my mother is in a care home because of her cognitive decline (Alzeihmer’s). I am 5000 km away so I go visit her as much as I can (I need to fly) and I usually stay for about two months each time. While in the same city I visit her everyday for 3 hours approx. However when I leave I am feeling very sad and guilty because I leave my two siblings with all the visiting and care for her needs. Since my return fromlast visit, I notice that I am not as outgoing and cheerful as I used to be. I think I feel guilty to enjoy myself while my mother is struggling to find things to occupy herself during the day. She does not do a lot of things on her own and she often looks bored, sitting in her chair. **I see her with a camera that I have installed in her room in the summer. Because of her failing memory my mother often feels abandoned when truly she is not. (She is never more than two days without a visit). I choose to tell her calmly that her memory is at fault for forgetting the visits but she is not abandoned. Visitors (mostly family members) write their name on the calendar on the day they visited. That way I can review with her over the phone who came over that day and try triggering her memories. (My mother had no idea that my last visit was three months long!) She believes she has not seen me in a long time and misses me a lot. How do I keep smiling to life when her life is filled with anxiety, loneliness and confusion?Thanks for any input.
Don’t let it ruin yours too .
You can’t fix this for your mother , no matter what you do . You being miserable will not make your mother’s life better .
You are experiencing grief and sadness over your mother’s decline .
Your mother is where she is at due to attrition, she is old, she has lived the "Fun" years of her life.
She is sitting in her chair because she is old and tired, you are making assumptions, live your life not hers or before you know it you will be that old woman sitting in the chair looking bored and then it will be too late.
Your feelings of guilt are wildly out of place.
You didn't cause this and can't fix it.
Guilt is something that requires causation and requires a refusal to FIX it because you take joy in evil. That isn't you.
What you feel is the OTHER G-word which is grief. And grief is appropriate for what you must stand witness to.
As to sitting and staring out a window? I asked my own aunt about that and she told me she thought of memories of her entire life, and was quite content. Her body was exhausted and, while she loved and attended art classes, she attended very little else, finding most things profoundly tiring. She was more than willing to "go" and wished she could. I as a nurse was willing to hear her, and not negate what she said.
I am glad other siblings are there. You should be as well. Thank them and express your grief to them.
Stop constantly watching the camera in a place that gives good care. That is masochistic self-torment.
While you are NOT responsible for the happiness of another, you ARE responsible not to waste your life in maudlin self-torment. If you need psychological counseling to help find your way out of these habitual paths of repetitive negative thoughts, I would suggest that you as an adult are responsible to find help for yourself. You may suffer from depression; trying a medication for form a bridge over current focus may help.
You are not alone in all the feelings your cerebral cortex tosses at you. If you stay on the Forum for any amount of time you'll understand that. You're very welcome here. You will find a wide variety of advice. Toss what isn't helpful and use what is.
Fill in your profile so we know who you are and the loved one you are concerned for. We wish you the best.
My mother went to visit her SIL who was in an Assisted living suffering from ALZ. They had a nice visit and when my Mom was leaving SILs sister (another SIL) was coming in. Mom andcshe talked then SIL went into the room. SIL#2 said, "I see P was here". SIL one said "P was not here, have not seen hervinvages".
Thats ALZ and pretty much any Dementia.
Guilt is for when you've done something wrong, which you haven't, and grief is for when you're mourning the loss of someone you love even if they're still alive. It's called anticipatory grief.
And of course you're sad that you're losing your mother to the horrific disease of dementia. Who wouldn't be?
But your mother would not want you to ever give up living and enjoying your life because of her. In fact it would make her heart happy to know that you're going on enjoying your life even if hers is coming to an end.
It's really not about what life throws our way but is instead about how we choose to deal with what we've been dealt in life. And our parents getting old and sickly is all part of life.
I would recommend seeking out some grief counseling and even taking to your doctor about going on some antidepressants for a while to see if that will help you get a better grip on your life and happiness, as life is too short and too precious to not keep a smile on your face.
There is a point that that's all we can do to protect are mental and physical health.
Say those things to yourself as many times as you need to.
Best of luck
It could be worth a try for you and sibs to build some visit time around the homes activities or meals.