I have an update on my mother. Should I go up to the hospital?

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I have an update on my mother. Should I go up to the hospital?

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I am so friggin scared. I need your help!! She is back in the hospital. She called me at noon. They went to her house at 4:30am and she said she didn’t get to the hospital till 6am. They couldn’t pull in her driveway because nobody had plowed the end of it yet. My son and I had shoveled everything but the end. They couldn’t get in the back door because it was locked. They went in through the front door because it was unlocked. She was upstairs short of breath, and shaking. They helped her down the stairs and cleared a lot of junk out of the way in the dining room. I’m over here now taking pictures of this hell hole. I contacted her primary doctor and they contacted APS and left a message. The social worker at the hospital called me and left a message to call her back. She wanted to meet with me and my mother tomorrow. I called and let a message and said she needs to go to assisted living. I can’t help her anymore!!! I can’t be there in the morning I have to work tonight. I told my mother when she called at noon I would stop up today. Should I go up to the hospital? Should I stay away? What if she calls me at home? Should I tell her she needs to go to assisted living? I am so scared right now. I’ve told everyone everything!!!! Help me please!!!

Burnout Care Decisions Hospital Mom

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I agree, you need to do what you feel is right for you. Just except what you can't change and do what you feel you need to.

Please come back and tell us how things are going. You can also come back and just vent. My daughter was taught years ago that when she was made at us write it all down. What happens, by the time you get to the end, the anger is not as bad.

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Yes I would go visit but if possible rest 1st. No I don't think u tell her about assisted living. Let SW evaluate her and make recommendations. Make sure you talk honestly about your concerns but not in front of her as it will likely not go well.
Let SW know u cannot meet in morning because u will just be getting off work.🙏🏾💪🏾♥️

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If she is gettIng cranky that may be UTI, and/or old age. They are allowed to get cranky. It doesn't mean you have to sit there and take it. But you can ask her to please quiet down a bit. You should be POA and it's hard for her to acknowledge she needs help and to make these little changes. It's like the elders and their cars, they cannot hand over the keys quietly. They are not in control anymore.. :(

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You should see your mom when you have time and patience. If you don't that may drive you crazy too.

Social worker should advise you that mom should go to a nursing home for the 30 days they give you on medicaid/medicare. If they offer, take it. They won't ask again. This will give you time to breathe and figure out the next step.
LOng story = short. Aunt was given the 30-60 days stay. After that time, the social worker at the nursing home told me I had a few days to figure out where aunt was going. I handed her the papers for the 6 pack I found a few minutes away from me. She was stunned. She never had a person find a place so quickly. It's not my first rodeo..
My MIL put my FIL in the 30 day medicare nursing home, just so she could rest. She was up all the time, waiting on him, get him this, that, and the next thing. It does tire you out... If you need the rest and knowing she needs 24/7 care, then take it.
Then again, if you don't have POA, or she doesn't allow you to make decisions for her, then, I guess, it's out of your hands. Don't shut her out. Be there when you can, and tell her when you cannot. If it's too much for you to handle one day, then stay away, go another day.

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Dear Elaine, I could not find this thread, but finally did and want to say I've been following along and keeping you and your Mom in my thoughts.
You have done all the right things to help your Mom even if she fought you every step of the way. I hope you find some peace of mind for you. Take care of yourself as you are taking care of her.

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I did what I could. Case closed. Nothing more I can do about it. I wish things were different but they aren’t. I’m done fighting for her safety. I couldn’t live with myself if I went no contact. Never went over there. Nobody to plow. Nobody to mow the lawn. Nobody to get her mail. Nobody to mail her bills. I couldn’t live with myself to carry on as if my mother didn’t exist. I did everything I could. I will keep stepping back but she writes the bills I mail them. She gets the garbage together and I take it down the end of the driveway. I have to do this. I can’t go no contact. She’s 95 1/2 now. But the good news is I never went to the hospital year or today. The cab sent her home. She called me when she got home. She didn’t know what I was doing behind her back. She has a doctors appointment on Thursday that she said she would take call a bus to and from by herself. She doesn’t want any home visits from doctors or home health aids. I told my brother everything. He said he’ll come up at the end of February to see her. I did my best. I was all prepared for her to go to a facility. I appreciate everything you have all done for me. You helped me so much these last few days. But please respect my wishes to still see my mother, back off her when I need to, and walk away from her when she is verbally abusive to me. I love you all. I couldn’t have gotten through all this without you. Thank you, Elaine

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Elaine...do what is best for you. Please take care of yourself, you do matter in this whole mess of a situation.

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If you pick her up at the hospital, this just gives them more reason to think she is fine for discharge. the hospital is operating from a standpoint of protecting themselves legally. I'm not defending the hospital, I'm just hoping you can step back and see what is going on. The hospital is going to discharge her because she says she wants to be discharged. She has that legal right. It's nuts considering the way she lives, but it is true.
As for your mom being angry with you. It looks to me that she is an angry person who is going to be angry with you no matter what. Just because she is angry, does not mean that you are doing exactly the right thing.
If she wont' give you the checkbook, the bills don't get paid. Tell the social worker that she won't give you the checkbook. Then when the power goes off and you call for a welfare check, the social worker sees the full extent of your mother's inablitly to cope, of her illness. You can monitor the situation. When it gets bad, call for the welfare check. your mom does not cooperate, she does not respond to your tears, your pleas etc. That is what is going to make her end up in AL. Let it happen. Don't bail her out,or it never will.

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Elaine, please keep in mind that one battle is not the war.

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Mentally challenged or not mom likes the attention. She sounds similar to a lady who was on 2 hour season finale of Hoarders, season 9 I think. She was a trip and fall a half

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I agree and perhaps if Elaine steps back, depends more on hired services, separates herself from mom's drama, she will feel less stressed.

(4)

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It is time for you to break away before you lose your sanity.

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Yeah well thank you everyone for your advice. It came around full circle and bit me in the ass HARD!!! Your advice was wonderful but unfortunately the law is on her side. No 2 ways about it here in New York State. She passed all her tests. I was crying on the phone at the social worker and crying to the nurse at her family doctor. The family doctor called the hospital doctor and said they were letting her go home. There was nothing more they could do!!! They didn’t even bathe her or wash her hair like I told them yesterday. I tried. I tried everything. The doctor called APS and they closed the case because she was in the hospital. She called me at 4:30pm and said she was home. The hospital told her I came up earlier and she was sleeping so I left and they called a cab for her. It was the hospital van and the hospital paid for it. It was a total lie. I never went to the hospital. I told the social worker over tears to tell my mother I love her but I’m done!!!

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I am so sorry for you, and your mom, You did your best, and I hope you have all the records of your talks ( just dates and who you spoke to may help) This is a nightmare we all hope we don't have to have, and I am amazed it came to them letting her go home, alone. to a situation like this.

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Elaine, let this play out. Mom will undoubtably call 911 tomorrow or the next day.

Talk to her doctor about how to get a neuropsych exam which will show her inability to reason.

Call the local Area Agency on Agency about getting a needs assessment.

Call the eldercare attorney tomorrow and discuss the options.

((((Hugs))))))

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I would make sure I got something in writing saying the Hospital felt Mom was competent to go home. This way your tail is covered. Did APS evaluate? If so, get a copy of their findings. Put everything in a file. If u want, do what u can for Mom but don't stress urself put. In a few weeks, run by the place and see how it looks. If bad, call APS again. If the neighbors have complaints, then tell them to call APS. That way when the sh*t hits the fan, you have documentation you tried to get Mom help and the system refused to help.

Allow her bills to go unpaid. Her lawn to get overgrown. In my Township that gets you a letter and a fine. Eventually, the electric will be turned off and the water. Where I live, you cannot live in a place with no running water. The police had to go and take a women, who hoarded, out of her house because it was unsanitary to stay in a house where there was no running water. When they remove her, let the County take over guardianship. This way, they will have to do for Mom. She will be placed easier than u can do.

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That lets her off the hook legally, but nothing lets her off the hook emotionally. That is where Elaine struggles b/c there is nobody else to care for her mother at all! I think it's impossible NOT for her to be stressed out. How does she allow a 95 y/o woman to have her water turned off? I don't think I could do it, if it were me.

LOVE your ideas Joann, and I'm not trying to 'argue' with you. Just looking at the situation from an emotional standpoint vs. a logical one.

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Well, this SUCKS and there's no other way to say it. Hard to believe the idiots are sending a NINETY FIVE year old woman who lives in a HOARD home to live alone. That's incompetence at its absolute worst. Just b/c she scored a 26 on a MOCA test does not mean she's competent to LIVE ALONE for godsake! It just means she does not have DEMENTIA. I like Joann's idea about calling her doctor. But at this point, you may have no other choice but to accept the fact that your mother is going to live and die on HER terms, at home, alone. It's a matter of time before she's back in the hospital again with another panic attack or shaking episode or whatever.

Here is where you have to decide how much you will and will not do for her, I suppose. Like I had said to you in an earlier post, this isn't about HER, it's about YOU. Make a list of what/when you will go over and what you will do for her. Maybe once a week; bring some food, pick up the mail, etc. Otherwise you are going 'no contact' which I know you don't want to do. So you have limited choices here, which is really unfortunate.

Also think about hiring someone to shovel the snow, pick up the mail, do the grocery shopping, etc.........the outside stuff since she won't allow anyone inside the home. He can leave the bags on the stoop. You can pay him a pre arranged fee per visit or something like that. That will cut down your workload. As far as the phone calls go, limit those to one per day MAX. Let the rest go to voice mail. Since she insists on living alone, there is ONLY so much help she can get, and that includes phone calls.

Sending you a hug. I'm really sorry things turned out this way, Elaine. I'm frankly shocked at the system for doing this to both of you.

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The mail will build up in the mailbox, the trash will build up. She’s going to need groceries. She can’t even walk down the driveway. Certainly not in the winter!!!!What do I do???

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Maybe you just give an ultimatum. If she wants food,heat,water,telephone the rules have to change. Why should everyone be subjected to her state of insanity? I hear how tired you are. I don't know your whole history with her but I imagine it has wrecked havoc on your nerves. I have been in that place with my mother. She has showed signs of mental illness around me going back to when I was 10 and earlier in stories I heard from my late father. It hasn't been chronic but there have been enough times to make me disengage for my own sanity. Thankfully she is cared for in AL. Ironically it was a young doctor in a NYC hospital who told me my mother should never be living alone due to her medical conditions. I heeded that advice,made sure she knew about it and she never returned to her apartment.

I feel for you greatly. I hear how tormented you are. Something has to change and however that comes about only that will bring a different reality to this nightmare you have been living.

(4)

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She’s going home today by cab. How the hell can she live alone!! I was telling this to her doctor and the social worker at the hospital. She is of sound mind and Did well with physical therapy test. Who going to get her mail? She can’t. Whose going to take out her garbage down the driveway. She can’t. Whose going to shovel, mow the lawn? She can’t. They are sending her home anyways!!!!!!!!!!

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Is it possible that they do know all this, but legally they must let it play out to disaster? Sometimes that IS the ONLY WAY!

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Elaine, Barb's advice to go grey rock will help you keep your equilibrium -- use this for everyone, including family. With family, keep things to summaries with no details they can pick apart. With her hospital admission, ask if her admission is classified as "under observation" or "inpatient". This makes a difference in what Medicare will cover after she's been there 3 midnights. Inpatient is what you want.

She's going to be mad at you and lash out - that's a given. Don't let your fear of her being angry with you or upset with you guide any decisions. Your job is to see that she's taken care of, not to do the 24/7 care yourself. You know you're looking out for her, while protecting yourself. You're doing great -- many of us took far longer to set healthy boundaries.

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Elaine,

My heart is broken for you. The people we trusted to intervene don’t seem to feel the urgency we do. I wonder to myself, what would it take for them to act? What is the threshold that must be met in order for them to intervene?
I am so very sorry. I understand your exhaustion, hurt and anger with the process. You have done everything and more, only to be horribly let down again.

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I would talk to the Doctor who was assigned to Mom. Tell him they are discharging her to an unsafe place. That she has a mental illness. That you can no longer do for her. You need to work. She needs 24/7 care you cannot provide. She needs to be evaluated. You refuse to pick her up and return her to an unsafe house.

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I told the social worker to tell her I love her but I’m done!!! I’m done helping her. She treats me like sh*t!! I’m done!!

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I’m sorry Elaine. Your mom has been a victim of “falling between the cracks” of our inadequate system of healthcare. You can truly say that you’ve done all you can. At some point self preservation has to happen and that point has happened for you. I hope you’ll do something good for yourself, get some rest, and be at peace

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I don’t believe this!!! I just talked to the social worker and she got a 26 out of 30 on her mocca test and they are sending her home by a cab!!! I was livid. I said this is a unsafe discharge!! I told the worker then you better call the cops to do a welfare check, because I’m not going over there.,I’m not mowing the lawn, I’m not shoveling the snow. So if she is so competent she can figure out a way to do everything. I’m done!!! What more can I do???? I’m so pissed!!! The law is on her side!!!!

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The advantage of having the cops do the welfare check is that mom's situation gets on a paper trail. You should have a consult with an elder attorney - I found it extremely empowering to know exactly what my obligations were and were not. I was armored against lies and manipulation. I knew where I stood and didn't have to waste time and energy guessing what the law was. A poster above suggested looking into hiring services and standing back personally. If at all possible I would suggest doing that. You truly must take care of yourself. But please keep in mind that you cannot help someone who refuses help. And a mentally ill mom who is bent on "suicide on the installment" plan is definitely beyond your ability to help.

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Elaine, let the process play out, the social worker said she’d get back to you, so wait. And yes, waiting is hard, but please don’t let it make you do something you’ll regret. You’ve done great, made it this far, don’t turn back, stand firm. You’re advocating for your mom, you’re her champion even if she never sees it, she’s blessed to have you looking out for her. It’s for the best that the advocating be done from a distance right now, but it’s helping her nevertheless. You’ve said and done all the right things, keep it up! Best wishes, know it’s so hard

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Did the SW say anything about sending her home in a cab?

Isn't it likely that your mentally ill mother has been going on all day about her daughter is going to pick her up and won't stand for this? And ranting and raving about how she is being held against her will, or something like that.

Yes, she has rights. And the hospital needs a good bit of evidence to be able to overstep them.

This is not about how she treats you. This is about HEr living conditions and her ability to take care of herself.

And if they say she is competent, you are more than justified in letter her be .

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This is turning into a nightmare!! She has rights!!! I feel like I have unleashed everything to everybody for nothing!!!! Talking to doctors, unleashing to the social worker, getting APS involved for nothing!! I feel like it’s all for nothing and my mom is going back home to her pig pen and she will never speak to me again because I tried to “PUT HER AWAY”. These are all my thought and fears. Not my mothers. I haven’t even talked to her yet.

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Elaine if your mother never speaks to you again, you will no longer have to deal with her. Resign as POA and take your life back.

you have done everything to inform the authorities that Mum is not safe at home. The ball is no longer in your court.

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She is not going anywhere willingly!!! The damn law is on her side!!!! I’m sure they think she is competent!!! I told them she is mentally ill and needs a psych evaluation!!!! They need to friggin sedate her. It is an unsafe discharge!!! Nobody to help her. I’m done!!! Period!!!!

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I just talked with the social worker from the hospital. I told her everything. She’s not bathing or changing her clothes, a hoarder, how the EMTs took 1 1/2 hours to get her to the hospital because of all the junk in her house that was in the way. How she is mentally ill, how she is verbally abusive to me. How she needs a psych evaluation and when I was all done talking she says to me “does this mean you aren’t going to pick her up from the hospital and bring her home????” I screamed NO!!! Now I lost it!! I yelled back at her and said if you let her go home in a cab it is an UNSAFE DISCHARGE!!! If something happens to her when she gets home then you are liable not me!!!!! I’m not helping anymore!!!! I’m done with it all!! My own mental health is at stake!!! I have pictures of her hoarding house. She says well get back to you. I’m fuming right now.,Likr barb said, if she is so friggin competent then she can DO IT ALL!!!! Everything by herself!!!!! If the driveway never gets plowed again ever. Oh well!!! I’m not her guardian!!!!

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I'm so happy and relieved for you. You're doing your part. Stay strong my dear one. Keep us posted, please. Here's a hug and more for you!!!!

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Elaine, visit your mom if you have the ability to be a grey rock and not respond to her provocations.

"Mom, would you like your bills to get paid?".

(If yes)."Then I'll need some checks to do so". (why aren't her bills set up for auto magic electronic billpay??).

If she makes a fuss, get up and leave. Inform the social worker via email, phone and snail mail that your mother is not cooperating with paying bills and you regret the fact that you need to resign your POA. Call mom's lawyer to arrange to do that.

Do not engage in any conversation about going home. "We will have to see what the doctor says, mom. How is the food? Can you work the TV okay?"

Keep the conversation neutral and if she acts out, get up and say (nicely) I'll come back when you are feeling better.

Do. Not. Engage in arguments with her.

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Still waiting to hear back from the social worker. I called her family and talked to the nurse and she is waiting to hear from the social worker too. I am just feeling like I should call my mother. Tell her I’m sick and can’t come up. How are you doing? Or something to that effect. The longer I go without talking to her the more I know she will have resentment towards me and never speak to me.

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Elaine, the FOG is getting you. I know how hard it is to get through sometimes. It's only been a day. The bills can wait a couple more days (at least). Right now the main thing is YOUR state of mind. Try to stay calm and let the professionals do their job. Your mom is not all alone on some deserted island, she is in a fully staffed hospital, safe and getting what she needs.

If possible wait this out until some decisions have been made. You want things to change, right? In fact you know they need to change, right? So your mom is going to go through some transitions until she settles into LTC. She is not going to remember that you didn't call for one or two days in the hospital. IF she does tell her you were sick and lost your voice (or some other therapeutic fib).

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I mean I’ll have to talk to her at some point, right? I have POA and the bills at her house still have to get paid. I think she has her checkbook in her purse which she has on her at the hospital. I get her mail for her and the phone bill is due.

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I have an update on my mother. Should I go up to the hospital?

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