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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Perhaps I'm not understanding your post correctly, but are you saying that your MIL is calling you names and that your husband accepts that and agrees with her? If that is the case then you need to see a divorce lawyer like yesterday. Your husband should have your back not his mother's, so if that's not the case you need to leave as you deserve so much better.
You say that you no longer feel capable of in home caregiving and you place your mother in care. As I just said to another, in the latter stages of illness several shifts of several people each are required to do this care.
If your husband cannot agree to this care then you see a divorce attorney and you get a division of assets and move to your own place. I think you husband will soon enough realize he ALSO isn't up to this caregiving.
Does MIL have dementia or has she always been a nasty piece of work. I wouldn't have anything to do with someone calling me names. Like a therapist told me years ago, let you husband deal with his parents.
This is a marriage problem you have, not a MIL problem. If your husband agrees with and accepts his mother's horrible treatment of you, why are you married to him? He can marry his mother and you can take half of everything you both own, if you get a good lawyer and file for divorce.
Best thing I ever did was to divorce my difficult MIL.
My DH was then all alone in CG for her, I did not see nor speak to her for over 4 years when she died. DH kept saying I would be sorry for not being the bigger person--well, I WAS the bigger person for 45 years. Putting up with mean, nasty, hateful comments every time I showed up to help with something. She didn't allow me to use the bathroom. I had to run up the street to my sister's. I had to drink from the hose. You get the picture.
I'd go, dutifully, with my Dh over and over again and take the abuse and nastiness. The final straw was when I went there after I had finished a 6 month bout of chemotherapy. I was bald and pale and sick as a dog. BUT, I was in remission and for that I was grateful.
She refused to let me sit down. I had to stand in her kitchen while DH fixed something on her computer. I grew tired and weak and asked (nicely) for a chair and she sighed and said "Why didn't you just die?".
Dh didn't hear this--I was so shocked, I mean, who says stuff like that?
I gathered my thoughts, slapped her on the back, grabbed a Diet Coke and told her I would never see her again and good luck with her life.
Walked out and never returned. She died 4 years later, a long, awful death. I didn't hate her, I didn't 'anything' her. Seeing her laid out in her coffin--I felt absolutely nothing.
The last year of her life, my DH had to do hands on care. It was brutal. He finally came to a place where he 'got it' and didn't ask me to do anything for her care.
It's OK to divorce yourself from toxic people. In fact, it was the best thing I could have done. She hated me, and was open and vocal about that hatred. It was hard on my kids, but they all understood.
She was my DH's mother. I respected that, but couldn't respect her.
Handle it by reading and rereading the wise words of MidKid below. She lived it and came out whole by having the courage to stand up for herself and provide no caregiving, no visits, nothing at all, for a nasty mother in law. No one deserves verbal abuse. No one deserves a husband who won’t stand up for his wife. Do nothing for this woman, including listening to her at all. Decide if your husband and relationship is worth keeping. I wish you peace
This is a marital problem. You need to have boundaries for yourself and standards for your marriage. Please go to a therapist who will give you objective perspective and help give you the tools to make decisions regarding the qualify of your life going forward.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you make create and defend your boundaries.
If your husband tolerates this that is on him. If he is witness to your MIL's abuse of you then that shows a GREAT deal of disrespect towards you. Is this the only way he disrespects you or are there other incidences? You do not have to play her game. You let your husband know what the priority should be and the rest is on him. I love Midkid's response and I admire what she did to remove the toxicity from her life. If nothing else it sounds like the two of you need to schedule a few sessions with a therapist, or counselor if he does not see there is a problem then you should talk to a therapist alone.
Your husband and his brother need to set boundaries.
Your husband needs to stand up for you? Does he really agree in what she says? Or just lets it go. If its he justblets it go, he needs to tell Mom the name calling has to stop or he will not help her. If he agrees with what she says, time to leave.
If you are helping with her care, then set a boundary. You will not be helping with MIL as long as she is being allowed to verbally abuse you. You will help DH in the background but you will not allow her to abuse you. You will not be entering her home. If she needs intimate care that DH does not feel comfortable doing, then MIL needs to hire an aide.
You don't have to handle this. Your husband does. You tell him if he's not willing to put you first and will allow his mother to behave so to you, you'll be seeing a divorce lawyer.
Honey, please. You deserve better than to be married to a boy-husband who's afraid to speak up to his mommy.
As for your MIL. The next time she says something to you, tell her to go 'love' herself then walk away. If she calls your house looking for your husband, you hang up on her. Or block her number from calling.
The ball is in your husband's now. Either he wants to be mommy's good little boy or he wants to be your husband. He can't be both.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I imagine it’s going to get old fast.
If that is the case then you need to see a divorce lawyer like yesterday.
Your husband should have your back not his mother's, so if that's not the case you need to leave as you deserve so much better.
If your husband cannot agree to this care then you see a divorce attorney and you get a division of assets and move to your own place. I think you husband will soon enough realize he ALSO isn't up to this caregiving.
My DH was then all alone in CG for her, I did not see nor speak to her for over 4 years when she died. DH kept saying I would be sorry for not being the bigger person--well, I WAS the bigger person for 45 years. Putting up with mean, nasty, hateful comments every time I showed up to help with something. She didn't allow me to use the bathroom. I had to run up the street to my sister's. I had to drink from the hose. You get the picture.
I'd go, dutifully, with my Dh over and over again and take the abuse and nastiness. The final straw was when I went there after I had finished a 6 month bout of chemotherapy. I was bald and pale and sick as a dog. BUT, I was in remission and for that I was grateful.
She refused to let me sit down. I had to stand in her kitchen while DH fixed something on her computer. I grew tired and weak and asked (nicely) for a chair and she sighed and said "Why didn't you just die?".
Dh didn't hear this--I was so shocked, I mean, who says stuff like that?
I gathered my thoughts, slapped her on the back, grabbed a Diet Coke and told her I would never see her again and good luck with her life.
Walked out and never returned. She died 4 years later, a long, awful death. I didn't hate her, I didn't 'anything' her. Seeing her laid out in her coffin--I felt absolutely nothing.
The last year of her life, my DH had to do hands on care. It was brutal. He finally came to a place where he 'got it' and didn't ask me to do anything for her care.
It's OK to divorce yourself from toxic people. In fact, it was the best thing I could have done. She hated me, and was open and vocal about that hatred. It was hard on my kids, but they all understood.
She was my DH's mother. I respected that, but couldn't respect her.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you make create and defend your boundaries.
You do not have to play her game.
You let your husband know what the priority should be and the rest is on him.
I love Midkid's response and I admire what she did to remove the toxicity from her life.
If nothing else it sounds like the two of you need to schedule a few sessions with a therapist, or counselor if he does not see there is a problem then you should talk to a therapist alone.
Your husband needs to stand up for you? Does he really agree in what she says? Or just lets it go. If its he justblets it go, he needs to tell Mom the name calling has to stop or he will not help her. If he agrees with what she says, time to leave.
If you are helping with her care, then set a boundary. You will not be helping with MIL as long as she is being allowed to verbally abuse you. You will help DH in the background but you will not allow her to abuse you. You will not be entering her home. If she needs intimate care that DH does not feel comfortable doing, then MIL needs to hire an aide.
Honey, please. You deserve better than to be married to a boy-husband who's afraid to speak up to his mommy.
As for your MIL. The next time she says something to you, tell her to go 'love' herself then walk away. If she calls your house looking for your husband, you hang up on her. Or block her number from calling.
The ball is in your husband's now. Either he wants to be mommy's good little boy or he wants to be your husband. He can't be both.