Here's the background. Both my parents were/are horrible people. My mother was physically abusive and I cut her out of my life at a young age. My father- when he was around, was the drug addict, alcoholic, narcissistic, lazy type who absolutely LOVES mind games. I've been caring for since 2012 when he had a heart attack. Why did I allow myself to get into this position? Guilt I suppose. I tried one last time to reconcile with my mother too, and that ended in her trying to be just as abusive as she was when I was a little girl. That experience taught me some people, probably of the psychopath variety, can't change.
My Father, the one I'm feeling stuck with, isn't physically abusive. He's emotionally abusive. I've tried to get through to him that his behavior and actions hurt me emotionally. To quote his own words on the subject, 'I don't give a F what other people think.' All while looking me dead in the eye as I'm crying right in front of him after he hurt me once again.
My own emotional state. Well, I'm 32, was widowed at 24. That by itself broke me. I have absolutely no friends or family to turn to for help. NONE. Not a single individual exists. And, well I've def had better days. At least I think so, it's been so long since I was genuinely happy I don't know if i remember what happy is. Was I ever even happy? I think so. I have depression pretty bad these days, I won't lie- these thoughts have turned very dark in the past. I've got a handle on the worst of it right now. I do know this about myself, I can't be the one to do this. I literally don't have it in me- I'm not capable.
Dad's issues. Right now he's on medicaid and has mostly benign skin cancer, spiraling type 2 diabetes (because he absolutely will not care for himself at all, he won't even check his blood sugar) and he has chronic heart failure. So heart disease, cancer, diabetes. The trifecta. He's already had to have cancerous growths removed and relied on me to bandage him- even thought I know damn good and well he didn't need me- and he only forced it on me to exert yet more control and act as a some sort of guilt trip evidence of why he needs me.
He is not incapable. He still works, he can still walk, he still knows how to not burn down the house. He's never not mooched off other people, now he's doing it to me and further emotionally ruining me to boot.
Its baffling to me. He berates me, tells me I need to get out more. So I get out more and he punishes me for it. 'Where were you?!' He'll say. He won't take his keys with him when he leaves for work, on purpose. 'I don't want to forget them somewhere' he says. (which is dumb, because we have spares) So I'm simply expected to always be here, any time of the day or night. So when he's all drunk at 4am I can let him in. (Which is exactly what happened an hour ago) I can't date, I can't go hang out with friends. Not that I have any, anymore.
I'm pretty much at my wits end here. Just leaving is seeming like more and more the most viable option. I know that filial laws in my state are not likely to pursue me because of my nearly non existent income (zero assets or savings too) and the fact that I was an abused and neglected child.
Why haven't I just left? Guilt. There's also still a little girl inside of me who is desperately wishing she had parents that didn't suck. I keep trying to make it work. Then there's the reality, I think he'll do something stupid or drastic rather than take responsibility for himself. The elec is in my name, and God even the idea of broaching the topic of switching it to his causes me so much anxiety. Because I know it's going to cause an argument, and he's going to go all 'you don't love me' or 'your being selfish'.
And the truth is I want to, I really do, but how I can love someone who's STILL hurting me so much? I'm in so much pain all the time, literal pain, deep in my chest and it never ends. So what do I do? What are my realistic options?
They spent their life ruthlessly attacking me in any way possible. They had money and sent me away in the summer to camps to get me out of the house..away from them..because they didn't like being parents and I was a nuisance to them. I learned independence from it. They also sent me to counseling because they loved putting me down and treating me like garbage. They scapegoated me constantly. The therapist was horrified and at 12 years old told me that I was being severely abused. She taught me all about abuse and how to help myself cope and learn from it. She said to be as independent as possible, not use them as role models and realize that they cannot love me in a healthy way. I was taken from our home by my school teachers for my safety when I was in my teens because they got so brutal.
Fast forward to now. I am a survivor. My parents are vicious, hostile, jealous because they didn't want me to succeed..but I did, using their hate and putdowns as fuel to prove to myself that they are wrong. I have always had a talent in art which got me a lot of attention as a kid and is my career as an adult. I still get a lot of attention and my narcissistic parents HATE it. They are old..79 and 87. They no longer have the money they once had, or the fancy professional jobs. They've resorted to borrowing large amounts of money from close friends in order to buy their latest house..then stiffing the friends (whom mom knew from childhood). I got a call from the friends, telling me that mom and dad just blocked them! I've been contacted by an attorney too, looking for my dad who ran up a credit card without ever paying on it. Their delusions of money, power and superiority are strong..and at any cost.
I have had strong boundaries and now am backing away even more. My parents now loom at me as their "cash cow". Nope. I am scared I will be hurt or killed by one or both of them, as they are desperate for money and refuse help from aging agencies. Plus mom as been so nasty and demanding to helpers that they all backed away.
My therapist says they can take good care of themselves and the best thing for me to do is to let go and stay away. She says my self esteem and wellbeing depends upon it, because they are so extremely cruel by nature to me whenever I'm around them (very rarely).
So, I live my life, in peace, on my own in my home. I wanted to be a "good daughter" all my life and tried hard to fix them. It didn't happen. Gradually I learned my power is best spent on helping myself. I have no children or local friends (I moved to an area where I don't know anyone). I'm ok though. I run my businesses online, have my pets and enjoy the solitude of no cruelty in my house. It is safe and peaceful..far from how I grew up (in complete chaos due to a histrionic, sociopathic mom who flew into huge rages). This holiday season I will turn down their attempt to have me visit them. They attacked me last Christmas, and I was a sitting duck at their house since my car died and they brought me there.
No, I am not jeopardizing my life anymore. Like every year, I buy my own presents, put up my tree and carry on my life. Traditions and routine have been good for me. When you leave, make sure to do nice things for yourself, too. Use that energy once spent on fear to give yourself love, healing and support. I parent myself..and tell myself kind things to fight the negativity heaped onto me by my parents. You will be JUST FINE. It may be extremely hard but getting out is the first step in thriving. It's a process. Just remember none of this garbage is your fault. You must take care of yourself first. I wish you only the best.
I guess we all handle this junk as best we can. My mother is the abusive narcissist. My siblings and mother have always used me as the scapegoat. I’m 66 years old and still discovering how a lifetime of abuse from them has affected me and my self image. Imo, run ! Call some aging service, tell them he can’t care for himself and let them take over. He’ll just accuse you of who knows what and as a narcissist, he’s a good liar and manipulator so they may believe him. You deserve a life free from abuse. He chose his course. You aren’t responsible for his situation, he is.
if you can, try to seek counseling. Childhood abuse is the gift that just keeps giving. It’s painful but if you can learn about you and your feelings, it will help you.
That said, I am about 20 years older than you are, and have learned A LOT of skills in that time to ensure my mental and emotional health around my mom. I have made very good boundaries, and I have stuck to them. These skills that *I* developed (emphasis on I) never required my mom to acknowledge her behavior, admit her wrong doing, or even change. I cannot make anyone change, so focusing on her behavior is a waste of my time. Instead, I focused on me.
I learned as a child there were times of day I couldn't speak to my mom, and I learned she would not remember many of our conversations. As an adult, I refines those skills.
For decades now I have ensured that I do not spend "unproductive" time with her. If I am around her, I have a project to do; she can join, watch, or leave me alone. Boundary development is the most critical skill I have ever learned, and it works!
Thru the years, my mom has chosen to join my projects. The result is a parent who wants to show her best public face, and I get the benefit of it because she can be quite helpful. Privately, even with family, my mom can be brutally ugly. She takes pleasure in telling straight out lies about me to my uncles, aunts and cousins. They turn and look at me, shocked, and I just shake my head to say it's not true. The family knows, and they see my respose, and it's simply not worth fighting over any more. It only reflects badly on her.
I cannot express fully just how emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive this woman was to me for years. She went into violent rages where she hit me with a belt. She drug my younger brother up the attic stairs and closed the pull down door on him right in front of me when I was too young to help him. She worked hard though her life to pit my brother and I against each other - and it worked, he has no contact with me, and very little with her.
What I will say next is not what everyone can - or even should - expect. But, it's worth saying: I have been my mom's caregiver to support her aging in place for the past 3 1/2 years, and I absolutely LOVE it! Over those 20 years between your age and mine, the boundaries I built, and the emotional work I did, has allowed me to create a relationship with my mom on MY TERMS.
She's older now. She still drinks, but doesn't have the energy for the brutal fights. And, I know all the warning signs. At the 1st hint of her ugliness, I make an excuse and leave. Sometimes I calmly say, "Well, you are in a bad mood, I'll come back later." Most of the time I don't. Because, it's not about getting her to change, it's about me, my health and my boundaries.
I couldn't have cared for my mom 20 years ago. I didn't have the skills. And, quite frankly, she didn't NEED me - which I'm sure is a motivation behind her improved behavior. I put no blame on you for any decision you make now - unless it is a decision to not protect yourself. Just know, you can change, your skills can grow, your boundaries can hold, and your relationship with everyone can change for the better because of it. You cannot make your father someone else. But, you don't have to expose yourself to his brutality without armor either.
Perhaps, in time, you will build the skills you need to handle abusive relationships. You are at a great disadvantage because of the poor foundation you got as a child. But, you can do it. The skills will empower you greatly! Perhaps they can transform your relationship with your parent, probably they will not. But those skills WILL be worth having for yourself.
I wish you strength, patience, and serenity in the time ahead.
Remember: abusive asshats will never change, you must rid yourself the thought that a normal relationship could ever exist.
Guilt is a powerful tool utilized by manipulative people. You area frog in boiling water, who will be burned and bounced around within your current dynamic.
You have been conditioned to hope for his change, nothing that you say or do will improve or change his behaviors.
He is abusive by choice. He knows exactly what he is doing and has done. And will continue being abusive because it's what works for him. Guilt is what binds him to others.
At this point you decided that abuse + guilt are NOT worth enduring. You reached out to this community ,so something inside said enough is enough.
You can emotionally cut ties by realizing the good side of your father isn't him. The abusive side is his true personality. Mourn the loss of the man who truly never existed; (the kind side you see every once in awhile),
Stockholm syndrome describes your situation as does Trauma Bonding.
SILENCE, again its extremely important that you say nothing to him about permanently vacating, take all pets with you, if he has a gun, remove its bullets. In my experience I've heard of abusive parents killing pets and shooting at offspring trying to escape. Abusive alcoholics are narcissistic psychopaths, who will make it a point to make you pay, for leaving...or trying to leave. Hugs (っಠ‿ಠ)っstay safe.
There are 12 step support groups (Adult Children Anonymous & Al-Anon). The programs really help me cope every day of my life and they are free.
Continuing to be the recipient of his abuse will not do your soul any good and you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You are only responsible for controlling yourself, not him. You have to learn to take care of yourself, first and let go of co-dependency. You deserve a better life.
In my mother’s case, it was prescription drugs but the physical and emotional abuse were the same. As a child, I would hide some her pills when I could, so I could give them to her to keep her somewhat sane during the weekend (in the 70’s when pharmacies were closed on weekends). I did this so she wouldn’t tear the house up and beat me. With the programs above, I learned to let go and give the things I cannot control to my Higher Power which gives me peace.
Even now, my mother (at her Assistant Living Facility), is actually happy that I am disabled and I have to walk with a cane. But, with the ACA and Al-anon support, I have tools that I can use daily to help me cope so that I can still take care of myself instead of obsessing over everything and anything about her. I learned that she has a “disease” and she will not change, but I can.
It is a very difficult situation that you are dealing with but there is help. I wish the best for you. Please take care of you!
I recently moved permanently away from my narcissistic mother for the second time, and as I drove through the states heading from east to west my breathing improved--realized I hadn't been breathing deeply in three years.
All the best and hope you keep us posted.
I'm, so much better already. When I sleep now, its like the first real sleep I've had in seven years. It really is just committing to change your fate isn't it? The knot that had buried itself into my chest doesn't hurt as much. I won't be using this large step forward as an excuse to not get therapy tho, I know I need it.
As for those who are posting in a similar situation. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I know intimately how hard it is. My advice, which may not be very useful since I'm still in the middle of my own hurricane, just get some perspective. Talk to people who aren't involved and don't know, sometimes the wisdom of strangers is invaluable. At least that's my anecdotal experience. I know we are all unique and have our own set of circumstances. I wish the best of luck to each of you.
Well I have been doing some research trying to figure out how to get myself out of this nightmare. I was told by the Agency on Aging that I can take my Power of Attorney, go to the courthouse and relinquish all my rights and simply walk away. Sounds great! Unfortunately, much like you, I have guilt and trauma bonding....and have not been able to bring myself to do it. Each night I pray that the next day I will wake up and find him finally deceased so I don't have to abandon him to the State....even though the miserable son of a bitch deserves it. It is quite a conundrum, so I can definitely relate to your situation. Everyone I know keeps asking me why I can't put him in a home and be done with it....and honestly I just don't know why I can't. I have to do something, I can't waste anymore of my life taking care of this sh*tty person.
I hope you can find the strength to get out before you too end up with health issues.
Call anyone that has your name on accounts that you are closing them effective when you leave - maybe not even say good-bye but leave when he is out & start a new life for yourself -
I'd even suggest switching to using your middle name which is legal - I knew someone who did this to make closure after her divorce & she said it helped her with her new start as almost a rebirth - good luck I hope you have the backbone to leave before it is too late
FYI, let me say, I am a domestic violence advocate and in home senior care provider.
That being said my professional and personal advice for you is, Yes you need to get out from under all of this and soon.
You asked why you stay. It's your emotions keeping you attached. Logically, you know it makes sense to get outta there. Your emotions, which have no brains, keep you hoping for it to get better and you feel the responsibility is yours as his daughter.
You need to take care of you.
He is abusive alright. To get your self esteem and self worth back, I suggest getting into a counselor and or an abuse support group. This will help you to understand why you have stayed and h
elp you to feel better about yourself. This in turn. will help your motivation to leave this ugly mess.
Taking care of you first is mandatory.
Next I would see an elder care attorney to see what your legal rights are. You don't want to make a quick decision and have it come back to get you later. Make sure you can legally let your abusive father go solo. I cant help with this one other than to say see the Elder care attorney. There are options out there for care. Is he on medicare or Medicaid?
You may need to turn him over as a ward of the state.
Every county has some form of office on ageing. Find them and see what they advise for help for Father. Don't invest too much time in this if you don't have to.
Your focus from here on out is you!
Read about abuse online, educate yourself on the signs of abuse. Look up and Read the abuse power and control wheel.
Then get set up with a counselor and group. If you can only do one, do a group first but try for both.
A counselor needs to be an abuse counselor. Not a priest or general counselor-This is important.
I know it seems like a lot but it is required. These groups quite often are low low fee or free.
Please promise yourself and all of us you will do this. I'm concerned for you and your wellbeing.
Hugs again my friend. Your help is out there you just need to go get it.
Jenny
We all hope she comes back and shares her success story with us.
You are not too old to have a life you want, attend some adult education classes in a college to find your interests and talents and to met others. Call up any old friends and be honest that you devoted time to a parent and found he didn't reciprocate so you want to renew their friendships. Contact a woman's shelter and discuss housing options if you have financial needs. They can link you with services till you get established.
Best wishes to you. I understand. Abused kids can resist taking a risk, and stay in a bad situation because it is all they know. Don't please. Move out, live your life.
You are at the end of your rope. You don’t have to be in a toxic relationship with your dad. You are not happy. You have had tons of heartbreak.
Sounds like you want to make changes and I encourage you to do so. You have gone above and beyond what many would have done.
Make plans for YOUR future. Your dad will figure things out. When he questions you and he most likely will, tell him that it is time for you to move on. Wish him well and be on your way.
Best wishes to you. Take care. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
You know what? You have become conditioned to this lifestyle but after you leave and have some space and time to yourself, you will soon see how bad of a situation this has been.
Best of luck to you. Sending good thoughts your way.
As difficult as any situation can be, actually the hardest time is just before a decision is made. Once you’ve made a decision and start to set up a plan of action, things get easier even if they are still tough. I’m happy to see that you have made a decision and you have started calling in resources. I think that you will be surprised at how many resources appear in your life as you open yourself up to loving and nurturing yourself. I have great faith that your healing has begun.
You owe him nothing, no matter how he tries to tell you otherwise.
You are a strong person, you have put up with and SURVIVED more than most ever deal with. You can do this but you must get away. I assume you work but there are shelters to help abused women. If you need help seek out social programs in your community. You are worth the effort and can overcome your past but do it now.
Even the best of parents are difficult when they decline medically and emotionally, and we sometimes have to distance ourselves. (Human sacrifice is illegal in this country you know.) You deserve a life. You made an effort to take care of your parents and it didn't work because they won't let you. This will never change, so stop trying. Dad is better off without you, because he won't feel like such a sh*t all the time. Maybe he just wants to speed up his inevitable demise and you are stopping him?
One final word about guilt: it is a worthless and damaging emotion. If you have remorse, act on it and do those things you wish you had done. If not, apologize to yourself for trying too hard and making yourself miserable; now give yourself permission to have a safe, comfortable life and exclude those who try to sabotage you.