Here's the background. Both my parents were/are horrible people. My mother was physically abusive and I cut her out of my life at a young age. My father- when he was around, was the drug addict, alcoholic, narcissistic, lazy type who absolutely LOVES mind games. I've been caring for since 2012 when he had a heart attack. Why did I allow myself to get into this position? Guilt I suppose. I tried one last time to reconcile with my mother too, and that ended in her trying to be just as abusive as she was when I was a little girl. That experience taught me some people, probably of the psychopath variety, can't change.
My Father, the one I'm feeling stuck with, isn't physically abusive. He's emotionally abusive. I've tried to get through to him that his behavior and actions hurt me emotionally. To quote his own words on the subject, 'I don't give a F what other people think.' All while looking me dead in the eye as I'm crying right in front of him after he hurt me once again.
My own emotional state. Well, I'm 32, was widowed at 24. That by itself broke me. I have absolutely no friends or family to turn to for help. NONE. Not a single individual exists. And, well I've def had better days. At least I think so, it's been so long since I was genuinely happy I don't know if i remember what happy is. Was I ever even happy? I think so. I have depression pretty bad these days, I won't lie- these thoughts have turned very dark in the past. I've got a handle on the worst of it right now. I do know this about myself, I can't be the one to do this. I literally don't have it in me- I'm not capable.
Dad's issues. Right now he's on medicaid and has mostly benign skin cancer, spiraling type 2 diabetes (because he absolutely will not care for himself at all, he won't even check his blood sugar) and he has chronic heart failure. So heart disease, cancer, diabetes. The trifecta. He's already had to have cancerous growths removed and relied on me to bandage him- even thought I know damn good and well he didn't need me- and he only forced it on me to exert yet more control and act as a some sort of guilt trip evidence of why he needs me.
He is not incapable. He still works, he can still walk, he still knows how to not burn down the house. He's never not mooched off other people, now he's doing it to me and further emotionally ruining me to boot.
Its baffling to me. He berates me, tells me I need to get out more. So I get out more and he punishes me for it. 'Where were you?!' He'll say. He won't take his keys with him when he leaves for work, on purpose. 'I don't want to forget them somewhere' he says. (which is dumb, because we have spares) So I'm simply expected to always be here, any time of the day or night. So when he's all drunk at 4am I can let him in. (Which is exactly what happened an hour ago) I can't date, I can't go hang out with friends. Not that I have any, anymore.
I'm pretty much at my wits end here. Just leaving is seeming like more and more the most viable option. I know that filial laws in my state are not likely to pursue me because of my nearly non existent income (zero assets or savings too) and the fact that I was an abused and neglected child.
Why haven't I just left? Guilt. There's also still a little girl inside of me who is desperately wishing she had parents that didn't suck. I keep trying to make it work. Then there's the reality, I think he'll do something stupid or drastic rather than take responsibility for himself. The elec is in my name, and God even the idea of broaching the topic of switching it to his causes me so much anxiety. Because I know it's going to cause an argument, and he's going to go all 'you don't love me' or 'your being selfish'.
And the truth is I want to, I really do, but how I can love someone who's STILL hurting me so much? I'm in so much pain all the time, literal pain, deep in my chest and it never ends. So what do I do? What are my realistic options?
Afree telling me she was a survivor of of sexual abuse by a family member, I understood how she turned our to be the way she is.
Although she dishes out control & designations, I respond accordingly. With yes or no.
There are services available for disabled adults, so you don't have to stay and be her pizzing post.
Nothing is a good excuse for abusing others. Nothing gives anyone a free pass to do harm to another human being, period.
Your dad is functioning..he is walking, holding down a job.
Figure out what you need to do to leave and how long it will take you.
If it is 4 weeks...tell dad in 3 weeks that you are going to move out at the end of the week. Normally I would say give him a few weeks notice but it almost sounds like he would do something to sabotage your exit.
Before you tell him have all the things you will be taking with you at a friends house or if you have an apartment that you have rented have everything there that you will need.
You can love him because he is your father but you do not have to give up your life for him. Keep a healthy emotional distance from both your parents.
If the time comes when he needs help you can help him find Assisted Living, you can help him apply for Medicaid if he needs to, you can help him connect with agencies that will help but you don't have to personally help. You have your own physical heath and mental health to be concerned with.
By the way if your dad is a Veteran you can help him by looking into what services he would qualify for through the VA.
As all Caregivers know you have to take care of yourself and this means knowing when to step back and do indirect care rather than direct care.
Your dad has a job. He chooses not to be a responsible human being because you are laying down in front of him saying " step on me".
Give yourself a deadline. Say " by September 1, I will be in my own place". Break down the steps you need to take and set this in motion.
Your dad doesn't need care. He wants a mommy or wife and you have worked great for that. No options for a full grown male except for him to put his big boy pants on and man up.
You are NEVER going to have parents that give a rats tail about you, stop torturing yourself with the lies that you can do something to change that fact. You can't, you didn't make them this way and they are happy being abusive psychopaths. They will never love you the way you desire, they aren't capable of loving anyone.
You don't stop loving your parents, you stop letting them tear you down and destroy you. You stop being in the line of fire for their abuse.
Your dad doesn't need you and that means you can walk. You are not in a position that some are, because their parents are so ill that they can't leave without making arrangements or they could go to jail. Leave before it gets to that point.
If having a heart attack didn't open your dads eyes, nothing will. He is happy making you miserable and controlling you and playing mind f@#$ games with you. Nothing about that says love or care.
I beg you to pack your bags and get to a battered women's shelter. They will help you build a life away from your abuser. You don't ever have to talk to him again until you are strong enough to not be destroyed by his hatefulness and that is all you are getting from him and most likely all you will ever get. He has made you his little housewife, you may not be sexually used that way but everything he forces you to do, like stay home all day, is what a jealous husband enforces on his wife. Can't let you get strong and healthy because he will loose his pissing post and cook, housekeeper etc. It is sick beyond anything you can see right now because you are too busy trying to make this male you call dad love and accept you. Enough already.
Get your stuff, everything that means anything to you and get out of there, don't ever go back. Get to a women's shelter today and start healing the heart that those b@st@rds have destroyed. Never look back, remember he doesn't give a f what anyone thinks. You are included in this anyone.
If you don't get out now you could be stuck for decades and people like your dad tend to live very long lives. Go figure. You matter and you don't deserve to be his doormat. I would leave him a note that says goodbye so he isn't calling the police, but you don't owe him any explanation or loyalty and you surely don't owe him the courtesy of a notice. That would just create more problems and believe me, he knows you and how to control you better then you know yourself. Just leave, no warning, no notice and no regrets. Save yourself before you become a statistic.
Parents that use their messed up childhoods as an excuse to hurt their own children are an abomination, if anything they should want to save their own children from the misery they themselves lived through. It is the worse excuse I have ever heard and it doesn't give them a free pass to do it to someone else.
Please get out before it is too late.
How on earth can he work with all of these conditions???
What is your home? A house? That you own? An apartment? Let's help you figure out a way to break you free from this abuser's grasp.
Most communities have Women Against Violence Against Women WAVAW organizations. They are there to support women who are in and or leaving abusive relationships. The abuse does not have to be physical or sexual to be eligible for their services. Often they run shelters and have resources to help a women get back up on her feet.
There are Crisis Lines you can call day and night for support.
Lastly, when an abusive parents does say “I love you.” It does not ring true as people do not do horrible things to those they love. This I know from personal experience.
Your father still works. This means that he is capable of also stopping at the store and cooking for himself, and either hiring someone to clean or doing it himself. I don't see that he is demented.
And, no, filial laws are something I have NEVER seen put into effect.
So you are free to free yourself, and now it is on you to do so. No one can do this for you. In order to do so at this point you will need help because it is not your father or your mother stopping you, it is your own fear. Own that fear. It is yours, and it is real. Admit to it and admit it to everyone you speak with. That's the only way you can begin to work your way out of it and it will BE work, but it will have also satisfaction, something now missing from your life entirely.
I am hoping that there is some friend who has not been set aside in this abusive situation. Enlist that person's support to meet with you and your father; It is time now to give your father a timeline in which he is to leave your apartment. Tell him that as long as he can obey house rules he may stay 1 month or whatever you decide. Stick to this. I don't know that running away to another state is a good option, but desperate times can lead to desperate choices. I know it will not be easy.
You have mentioned some suicidal ideation unless I am wrong. I encourage you to reach out to a hotline, and especially for resources in your area to access for help either free or sliding scale. If you do not wish them on your doorstep (they do have rules) use a burner phone and use it at a secret location and do not give your information. A visit may be a good idea, however, and were I you I would welcome it at this point.
I've reached out to my boss, I'm a remote worker, he and his family are in another state. Only one away we aren't talking across the country, its drivable and visitable. So I suppose I don't see it as running so much as simply moving zip codes. The biggest leap will be from city to rural living, but mostly on my own income that would be more ideal anyway as I wouldn't be spending as much on rent. If I kicked him out, I would have to find a roommate or move anyway. I'm thinking moving will also provide more job opportunities for me, and upward mobility that I don't currently have because of the nature of my business.
You aren't wrong about ideation. I've been there, but that's also in the past tense. I've had some help in that arena but not as much as I probably need, I fully acknowledge that. When my husband died the world got very dark for me, and even though its been years i'm still dealing with it. However, I can honestly and optimistically say that today there is no ideation going on currently. Instead I feel scared because I know the road ahead will be hard, but also very enthusiastic and ready to start the next chapter of my life, the one where I'm not some doormat anymore.
Actually I'm feeling optimistic at the moment too. I didn't realize my boss and his family were an option as a resource to reach out to. I know you don't know me or them but I think this will be a good path to start to heal. The first thing I'm going to do is get into some sort of therapy or counselling. I realize I'll probably always be somewhat tainted by everything, the needy child feeling as you say, but i want to tamp that down as much as I can so I never find myself in this situation again, or find myself another toxic relationship.
I just joined this forum today, and it is likely to respond to you.
One doesn't have "perspective" unless it is from AFAR. I left home at 15 because of one abusive parent, a mother who is now nearly 90, and I have come "home" to help. But while she is away... I am remodeling her home for safety, putting a 30$ bidet washer on the john, threw away all toxins, bought sensitive soap for her ailing skin and a better air conditioner, etc. And I know I MUST LEAVE within 2 days of her arrival. Why? I will become horribly depressed.
And be useless to anyone, including myself. She says things like, "you have never held a job and have never worked a day in your life amounted to nothing." (I have had many jobs as an independent journalist, have 3 masters degrees and raised a child on my own.) And within days I start believing her. That I am worthless unless I LISTEN TO HER. (her goal.) And now that she has dementia a bit, I cant "listen to her advice." And I never could. I really had no functioning mother, as she never "saw" me.
Why I am writing... you cant "see you" in such a household. All that clutters your mind and your possible path to a future meaningful to you.
Imagine yourself in a place with a sweet roommate, or even a room of yur own with NO ONE asking you for obligitory labor, and some time to actually read a book. If you want to assess your actual skills (I am sure these have been belittled) try "what color is your parachute" as if you can stand to do all that while holding a job, you likely are capable of handling and enjoying an even better job, when you DONT have to handle all that as well.
Life starts anew daily. When you dont have all these terrible examples of how to care for yourself, you can also begin caring for yourself, your own body better.
When you feel sh*tty, start gently tapping your own chest. It is part of EFT, self mothering, and just getting yourself back to the present reality, and it lets yourself know that you are capable of "self soothing."
Once you have your new apartment, room, share, (only with super KIND people!)
take long mineral salt baths, listen to soothing upbeat music and calm your nervous system down, and realize YOU ARE SAFE. A decade or two of "not feeling safe or loved is enough to kill you. REalize that too.
And also that there are things like this in the world..
https://www.chamonix.com/cosmojazz-festival,41-4968610-138912,en.html
High altitude jazz concerts, and all sorts of lovely things.. that you cant even imagine when you are staring at and making the people who dont respect you and your gifts as mirrors.
Here is my mirror. You are worthy, You are caring. You don't deserve any of this crap and your caring wont make them change. Your leaving might.
Take great and impeccable care of yourself and be a great example to those who CARE.
Love,
elise
"Life starts anew daily. When you dont have all these terrible examples of how to care for yourself, you can also begin caring for yourself, your own body better." Very powerful words! And your response in general. I'm going to print it out for me because I personally need it right now.
SadSammy, please know that by posting your question, you are helping others who also have suffered - or are in the midst of suffering. And that you aren't alone.
Mine, broken my rule. Hadn't seen him for nearly 16 years when he passed. The Devil has a right hand man!
Even the best of parents are difficult when they decline medically and emotionally, and we sometimes have to distance ourselves. (Human sacrifice is illegal in this country you know.) You deserve a life. You made an effort to take care of your parents and it didn't work because they won't let you. This will never change, so stop trying. Dad is better off without you, because he won't feel like such a sh*t all the time. Maybe he just wants to speed up his inevitable demise and you are stopping him?
One final word about guilt: it is a worthless and damaging emotion. If you have remorse, act on it and do those things you wish you had done. If not, apologize to yourself for trying too hard and making yourself miserable; now give yourself permission to have a safe, comfortable life and exclude those who try to sabotage you.
You owe him nothing, no matter how he tries to tell you otherwise.
You are a strong person, you have put up with and SURVIVED more than most ever deal with. You can do this but you must get away. I assume you work but there are shelters to help abused women. If you need help seek out social programs in your community. You are worth the effort and can overcome your past but do it now.
As difficult as any situation can be, actually the hardest time is just before a decision is made. Once you’ve made a decision and start to set up a plan of action, things get easier even if they are still tough. I’m happy to see that you have made a decision and you have started calling in resources. I think that you will be surprised at how many resources appear in your life as you open yourself up to loving and nurturing yourself. I have great faith that your healing has begun.
You are at the end of your rope. You don’t have to be in a toxic relationship with your dad. You are not happy. You have had tons of heartbreak.
Sounds like you want to make changes and I encourage you to do so. You have gone above and beyond what many would have done.
Make plans for YOUR future. Your dad will figure things out. When he questions you and he most likely will, tell him that it is time for you to move on. Wish him well and be on your way.
Best wishes to you. Take care. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
You know what? You have become conditioned to this lifestyle but after you leave and have some space and time to yourself, you will soon see how bad of a situation this has been.
Best of luck to you. Sending good thoughts your way.
You are not too old to have a life you want, attend some adult education classes in a college to find your interests and talents and to met others. Call up any old friends and be honest that you devoted time to a parent and found he didn't reciprocate so you want to renew their friendships. Contact a woman's shelter and discuss housing options if you have financial needs. They can link you with services till you get established.
Best wishes to you. I understand. Abused kids can resist taking a risk, and stay in a bad situation because it is all they know. Don't please. Move out, live your life.
We all hope she comes back and shares her success story with us.
FYI, let me say, I am a domestic violence advocate and in home senior care provider.
That being said my professional and personal advice for you is, Yes you need to get out from under all of this and soon.
You asked why you stay. It's your emotions keeping you attached. Logically, you know it makes sense to get outta there. Your emotions, which have no brains, keep you hoping for it to get better and you feel the responsibility is yours as his daughter.
You need to take care of you.
He is abusive alright. To get your self esteem and self worth back, I suggest getting into a counselor and or an abuse support group. This will help you to understand why you have stayed and h
elp you to feel better about yourself. This in turn. will help your motivation to leave this ugly mess.
Taking care of you first is mandatory.
Next I would see an elder care attorney to see what your legal rights are. You don't want to make a quick decision and have it come back to get you later. Make sure you can legally let your abusive father go solo. I cant help with this one other than to say see the Elder care attorney. There are options out there for care. Is he on medicare or Medicaid?
You may need to turn him over as a ward of the state.
Every county has some form of office on ageing. Find them and see what they advise for help for Father. Don't invest too much time in this if you don't have to.
Your focus from here on out is you!
Read about abuse online, educate yourself on the signs of abuse. Look up and Read the abuse power and control wheel.
Then get set up with a counselor and group. If you can only do one, do a group first but try for both.
A counselor needs to be an abuse counselor. Not a priest or general counselor-This is important.
I know it seems like a lot but it is required. These groups quite often are low low fee or free.
Please promise yourself and all of us you will do this. I'm concerned for you and your wellbeing.
Hugs again my friend. Your help is out there you just need to go get it.
Jenny
Call anyone that has your name on accounts that you are closing them effective when you leave - maybe not even say good-bye but leave when he is out & start a new life for yourself -
I'd even suggest switching to using your middle name which is legal - I knew someone who did this to make closure after her divorce & she said it helped her with her new start as almost a rebirth - good luck I hope you have the backbone to leave before it is too late
Well I have been doing some research trying to figure out how to get myself out of this nightmare. I was told by the Agency on Aging that I can take my Power of Attorney, go to the courthouse and relinquish all my rights and simply walk away. Sounds great! Unfortunately, much like you, I have guilt and trauma bonding....and have not been able to bring myself to do it. Each night I pray that the next day I will wake up and find him finally deceased so I don't have to abandon him to the State....even though the miserable son of a bitch deserves it. It is quite a conundrum, so I can definitely relate to your situation. Everyone I know keeps asking me why I can't put him in a home and be done with it....and honestly I just don't know why I can't. I have to do something, I can't waste anymore of my life taking care of this sh*tty person.
I hope you can find the strength to get out before you too end up with health issues.