Here's the background. Both my parents were/are horrible people. My mother was physically abusive and I cut her out of my life at a young age. My father- when he was around, was the drug addict, alcoholic, narcissistic, lazy type who absolutely LOVES mind games. I've been caring for since 2012 when he had a heart attack. Why did I allow myself to get into this position? Guilt I suppose. I tried one last time to reconcile with my mother too, and that ended in her trying to be just as abusive as she was when I was a little girl. That experience taught me some people, probably of the psychopath variety, can't change.
My Father, the one I'm feeling stuck with, isn't physically abusive. He's emotionally abusive. I've tried to get through to him that his behavior and actions hurt me emotionally. To quote his own words on the subject, 'I don't give a F what other people think.' All while looking me dead in the eye as I'm crying right in front of him after he hurt me once again.
My own emotional state. Well, I'm 32, was widowed at 24. That by itself broke me. I have absolutely no friends or family to turn to for help. NONE. Not a single individual exists. And, well I've def had better days. At least I think so, it's been so long since I was genuinely happy I don't know if i remember what happy is. Was I ever even happy? I think so. I have depression pretty bad these days, I won't lie- these thoughts have turned very dark in the past. I've got a handle on the worst of it right now. I do know this about myself, I can't be the one to do this. I literally don't have it in me- I'm not capable.
Dad's issues. Right now he's on medicaid and has mostly benign skin cancer, spiraling type 2 diabetes (because he absolutely will not care for himself at all, he won't even check his blood sugar) and he has chronic heart failure. So heart disease, cancer, diabetes. The trifecta. He's already had to have cancerous growths removed and relied on me to bandage him- even thought I know damn good and well he didn't need me- and he only forced it on me to exert yet more control and act as a some sort of guilt trip evidence of why he needs me.
He is not incapable. He still works, he can still walk, he still knows how to not burn down the house. He's never not mooched off other people, now he's doing it to me and further emotionally ruining me to boot.
Its baffling to me. He berates me, tells me I need to get out more. So I get out more and he punishes me for it. 'Where were you?!' He'll say. He won't take his keys with him when he leaves for work, on purpose. 'I don't want to forget them somewhere' he says. (which is dumb, because we have spares) So I'm simply expected to always be here, any time of the day or night. So when he's all drunk at 4am I can let him in. (Which is exactly what happened an hour ago) I can't date, I can't go hang out with friends. Not that I have any, anymore.
I'm pretty much at my wits end here. Just leaving is seeming like more and more the most viable option. I know that filial laws in my state are not likely to pursue me because of my nearly non existent income (zero assets or savings too) and the fact that I was an abused and neglected child.
Why haven't I just left? Guilt. There's also still a little girl inside of me who is desperately wishing she had parents that didn't suck. I keep trying to make it work. Then there's the reality, I think he'll do something stupid or drastic rather than take responsibility for himself. The elec is in my name, and God even the idea of broaching the topic of switching it to his causes me so much anxiety. Because I know it's going to cause an argument, and he's going to go all 'you don't love me' or 'your being selfish'.
And the truth is I want to, I really do, but how I can love someone who's STILL hurting me so much? I'm in so much pain all the time, literal pain, deep in my chest and it never ends. So what do I do? What are my realistic options?
I'm, so much better already. When I sleep now, its like the first real sleep I've had in seven years. It really is just committing to change your fate isn't it? The knot that had buried itself into my chest doesn't hurt as much. I won't be using this large step forward as an excuse to not get therapy tho, I know I need it.
As for those who are posting in a similar situation. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I know intimately how hard it is. My advice, which may not be very useful since I'm still in the middle of my own hurricane, just get some perspective. Talk to people who aren't involved and don't know, sometimes the wisdom of strangers is invaluable. At least that's my anecdotal experience. I know we are all unique and have our own set of circumstances. I wish the best of luck to each of you.
I recently moved permanently away from my narcissistic mother for the second time, and as I drove through the states heading from east to west my breathing improved--realized I hadn't been breathing deeply in three years.
All the best and hope you keep us posted.
There are 12 step support groups (Adult Children Anonymous & Al-Anon). The programs really help me cope every day of my life and they are free.
Continuing to be the recipient of his abuse will not do your soul any good and you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You are only responsible for controlling yourself, not him. You have to learn to take care of yourself, first and let go of co-dependency. You deserve a better life.
In my mother’s case, it was prescription drugs but the physical and emotional abuse were the same. As a child, I would hide some her pills when I could, so I could give them to her to keep her somewhat sane during the weekend (in the 70’s when pharmacies were closed on weekends). I did this so she wouldn’t tear the house up and beat me. With the programs above, I learned to let go and give the things I cannot control to my Higher Power which gives me peace.
Even now, my mother (at her Assistant Living Facility), is actually happy that I am disabled and I have to walk with a cane. But, with the ACA and Al-anon support, I have tools that I can use daily to help me cope so that I can still take care of myself instead of obsessing over everything and anything about her. I learned that she has a “disease” and she will not change, but I can.
It is a very difficult situation that you are dealing with but there is help. I wish the best for you. Please take care of you!
Remember: abusive asshats will never change, you must rid yourself the thought that a normal relationship could ever exist.
Guilt is a powerful tool utilized by manipulative people. You area frog in boiling water, who will be burned and bounced around within your current dynamic.
You have been conditioned to hope for his change, nothing that you say or do will improve or change his behaviors.
He is abusive by choice. He knows exactly what he is doing and has done. And will continue being abusive because it's what works for him. Guilt is what binds him to others.
At this point you decided that abuse + guilt are NOT worth enduring. You reached out to this community ,so something inside said enough is enough.
You can emotionally cut ties by realizing the good side of your father isn't him. The abusive side is his true personality. Mourn the loss of the man who truly never existed; (the kind side you see every once in awhile),
Stockholm syndrome describes your situation as does Trauma Bonding.
SILENCE, again its extremely important that you say nothing to him about permanently vacating, take all pets with you, if he has a gun, remove its bullets. In my experience I've heard of abusive parents killing pets and shooting at offspring trying to escape. Abusive alcoholics are narcissistic psychopaths, who will make it a point to make you pay, for leaving...or trying to leave. Hugs (っಠ‿ಠ)っstay safe.
That said, I am about 20 years older than you are, and have learned A LOT of skills in that time to ensure my mental and emotional health around my mom. I have made very good boundaries, and I have stuck to them. These skills that *I* developed (emphasis on I) never required my mom to acknowledge her behavior, admit her wrong doing, or even change. I cannot make anyone change, so focusing on her behavior is a waste of my time. Instead, I focused on me.
I learned as a child there were times of day I couldn't speak to my mom, and I learned she would not remember many of our conversations. As an adult, I refines those skills.
For decades now I have ensured that I do not spend "unproductive" time with her. If I am around her, I have a project to do; she can join, watch, or leave me alone. Boundary development is the most critical skill I have ever learned, and it works!
Thru the years, my mom has chosen to join my projects. The result is a parent who wants to show her best public face, and I get the benefit of it because she can be quite helpful. Privately, even with family, my mom can be brutally ugly. She takes pleasure in telling straight out lies about me to my uncles, aunts and cousins. They turn and look at me, shocked, and I just shake my head to say it's not true. The family knows, and they see my respose, and it's simply not worth fighting over any more. It only reflects badly on her.
I cannot express fully just how emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive this woman was to me for years. She went into violent rages where she hit me with a belt. She drug my younger brother up the attic stairs and closed the pull down door on him right in front of me when I was too young to help him. She worked hard though her life to pit my brother and I against each other - and it worked, he has no contact with me, and very little with her.
What I will say next is not what everyone can - or even should - expect. But, it's worth saying: I have been my mom's caregiver to support her aging in place for the past 3 1/2 years, and I absolutely LOVE it! Over those 20 years between your age and mine, the boundaries I built, and the emotional work I did, has allowed me to create a relationship with my mom on MY TERMS.
She's older now. She still drinks, but doesn't have the energy for the brutal fights. And, I know all the warning signs. At the 1st hint of her ugliness, I make an excuse and leave. Sometimes I calmly say, "Well, you are in a bad mood, I'll come back later." Most of the time I don't. Because, it's not about getting her to change, it's about me, my health and my boundaries.
I couldn't have cared for my mom 20 years ago. I didn't have the skills. And, quite frankly, she didn't NEED me - which I'm sure is a motivation behind her improved behavior. I put no blame on you for any decision you make now - unless it is a decision to not protect yourself. Just know, you can change, your skills can grow, your boundaries can hold, and your relationship with everyone can change for the better because of it. You cannot make your father someone else. But, you don't have to expose yourself to his brutality without armor either.
Perhaps, in time, you will build the skills you need to handle abusive relationships. You are at a great disadvantage because of the poor foundation you got as a child. But, you can do it. The skills will empower you greatly! Perhaps they can transform your relationship with your parent, probably they will not. But those skills WILL be worth having for yourself.
I wish you strength, patience, and serenity in the time ahead.
I guess we all handle this junk as best we can. My mother is the abusive narcissist. My siblings and mother have always used me as the scapegoat. I’m 66 years old and still discovering how a lifetime of abuse from them has affected me and my self image. Imo, run ! Call some aging service, tell them he can’t care for himself and let them take over. He’ll just accuse you of who knows what and as a narcissist, he’s a good liar and manipulator so they may believe him. You deserve a life free from abuse. He chose his course. You aren’t responsible for his situation, he is.
if you can, try to seek counseling. Childhood abuse is the gift that just keeps giving. It’s painful but if you can learn about you and your feelings, it will help you.
They spent their life ruthlessly attacking me in any way possible. They had money and sent me away in the summer to camps to get me out of the house..away from them..because they didn't like being parents and I was a nuisance to them. I learned independence from it. They also sent me to counseling because they loved putting me down and treating me like garbage. They scapegoated me constantly. The therapist was horrified and at 12 years old told me that I was being severely abused. She taught me all about abuse and how to help myself cope and learn from it. She said to be as independent as possible, not use them as role models and realize that they cannot love me in a healthy way. I was taken from our home by my school teachers for my safety when I was in my teens because they got so brutal.
Fast forward to now. I am a survivor. My parents are vicious, hostile, jealous because they didn't want me to succeed..but I did, using their hate and putdowns as fuel to prove to myself that they are wrong. I have always had a talent in art which got me a lot of attention as a kid and is my career as an adult. I still get a lot of attention and my narcissistic parents HATE it. They are old..79 and 87. They no longer have the money they once had, or the fancy professional jobs. They've resorted to borrowing large amounts of money from close friends in order to buy their latest house..then stiffing the friends (whom mom knew from childhood). I got a call from the friends, telling me that mom and dad just blocked them! I've been contacted by an attorney too, looking for my dad who ran up a credit card without ever paying on it. Their delusions of money, power and superiority are strong..and at any cost.
I have had strong boundaries and now am backing away even more. My parents now loom at me as their "cash cow". Nope. I am scared I will be hurt or killed by one or both of them, as they are desperate for money and refuse help from aging agencies. Plus mom as been so nasty and demanding to helpers that they all backed away.
My therapist says they can take good care of themselves and the best thing for me to do is to let go and stay away. She says my self esteem and wellbeing depends upon it, because they are so extremely cruel by nature to me whenever I'm around them (very rarely).
So, I live my life, in peace, on my own in my home. I wanted to be a "good daughter" all my life and tried hard to fix them. It didn't happen. Gradually I learned my power is best spent on helping myself. I have no children or local friends (I moved to an area where I don't know anyone). I'm ok though. I run my businesses online, have my pets and enjoy the solitude of no cruelty in my house. It is safe and peaceful..far from how I grew up (in complete chaos due to a histrionic, sociopathic mom who flew into huge rages). This holiday season I will turn down their attempt to have me visit them. They attacked me last Christmas, and I was a sitting duck at their house since my car died and they brought me there.
No, I am not jeopardizing my life anymore. Like every year, I buy my own presents, put up my tree and carry on my life. Traditions and routine have been good for me. When you leave, make sure to do nice things for yourself, too. Use that energy once spent on fear to give yourself love, healing and support. I parent myself..and tell myself kind things to fight the negativity heaped onto me by my parents. You will be JUST FINE. It may be extremely hard but getting out is the first step in thriving. It's a process. Just remember none of this garbage is your fault. You must take care of yourself first. I wish you only the best.