I am my husband’s caregiver, much younger, full time nursing job plus 2 other small jobs. I think I am a bad caregiver. I am always angry and resentful. I took care of my aunt and mom and had no problem but, with him I do. He really never considered me in the grand scheme of things. He came home one day and said he is retiring. He owned his own business. He gave stepson tons of money without consulting me and now I have to work full time plus 2 other jobs on top of taking care of him. I am resentful and hate how I am.
You’re much younger, so you knew this would happen at some point. He was bound to get elderly before you.
Sometimes women marry much older men because they’re wealthy. Sometimes men marry much younger women so they have a caregiver later in life.
Welcome to the forum.
It’s understandable that you’re angry and resentful about being a caregiver for your husband because of your particular circumstances.
He hasn’t exactly been forthcoming regarding how he handled his finances or being sensitive to your needs.
It’s exhausting to work full time as a nurse and then go home and take care of your husband.
Do you have any outside help? How serious are his health concerns? Who cares for him when you are working? Does he require 24/7 care?
Your feelings will have an impact on how you view caregiving for your husband. I am glad that you recognize this.
If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed to the extent of not wishing to be his caregiver any further, please consider placement in a facility as a viable option.
Have you tried marriage counseling to discuss your situation?
If you don’t mind sharing a bit more information, perhaps we could be more helpful.
Best wishes to you.
Maybe talking to a therapist will help you decide if you want to go to a lawyer to see what your options are. Perhaps an eldercare lawyer. Sorry you are in this situation. I'm sure you didn't expect to be working 3 jobs. Did your husband give the money away because he already had dementia ?
It changes a lot - the household daily pattern for both + the retired person having to find new purposeful activities.
It's a big finacial change too.
It seems from what you say this has been thrust upon you. Not a joint decision or a decision you discussed together. Many couples need to retire at separate times, due to health, different ages, career type.
Can you discuss the implications with your husband & make a plan together for your shared future?
If not, maybe with a third party eg a marriage councillor would help?
Then with a financial planner to ensure yoir financial position is viable. That both your incomes - your salary at *reasonable* working hours + his pension/allowance (if any) will be sufficient. Otherwise, how to make changes so it is. Eg many downsize their home to reduce debt or move to a location better suited to aging.
I'd see a lawyer pronto before you wind-up more than hating him.
What he did would've had me out so fast you'd think I had a rocket in my b*tt.
Before you know it 15+ years will whiz by and if you go bananas you'll be lucky.
Who takes care of your H while you are working your jobs?
How much money did he give your stepson? Did he give away most of his assets, and that is why you have to work all these jobs?
I'd be resentful, too. Please see an attorney to consider your options. The status quo should NOT be one of them!
There is no time to be his caregiver if you are working, caring for others.
So the result is burnout.
Allow his retirement plan to kick in and pay for his own caregiver.
Resource his health insurance benefits, or if he is a veteran, there could be Aid & Attendance Benefits.
Resource 'stepsons' for help. (His sons? Your stepsons, not your sons?). Do they work at the business he retired from?
Who "owns" the business now? Resource any hidden funds. If a closely held corporation he still owns, you are being exploited, because this does not sound to be on the up and up.
Downsize.
Quit at least one job.
Get emergency treatment for burnout.
If that is the case then it's time to see a divorce lawyer and let the chips fall where they may, so you can find happiness again.
I wish you well.
You posted for the first time January 2022 so you are still dealing with this. You can't continue to push yourself. Your probably 67 by now. Maybe time to place DH. If you have any assets, they need to be split. His split going for his care in a LTC facility. When it runs out, you apply for Medicaid for him. You become a Community Spouse, remain in the home, have a car and maybe able to get part of his SS to live on. There is also a form, that you can fill out saying you will not support him from your money. I am just giving u the basics here. You need to consult with an Elder lawyer to see what your rights are. You may too want to see if getting a divorce may be in ur best interest. As a nurse, you should be able to make enough to support yourself. The State can take over his care.
As I see it u don't have too many options. Since u work so much, who cares for him? If you leave him alone, at some point this will not work anymore. Another option would be to call APS (Adult protection) and tell them you can no longer care for him and see if they can help u get him placed. Another is to pack up and move out calling APS and saying there is a vulnerable adult who is alone. Leave no number or forwarding address.